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Monday, July 23, 2007

Light in the Shadows

I wish I had some words of wisdom or some kind of insights or even something interesting to say or observe, but I don't. I have writer's block. Which is just as well; I need to focus on many things, and perhaps when a few things are knocked off my list I can stop being Martha and be Mary again.

Or something like that.

I still can't pay for Grad school, and today I read about osteosarcoma; Fire has weeks to up to 4 months, but given how fast this is moving, I don't think he'll make his next birthday, which is in September, according to his ear tattoo. And it weighs very heavily upon me because I will have to be the one to give the word. It's not time yet, his pain is being managed and I'm making accomodations for him in the meantime.

And I'm asking God what I should be learning right now, which is, maybe, going back to just living one day at a time. Realizing how precious life is, and how much things can change in a single moment. How much we all take for granted, plans we forsee, assumptions we make about the future, and then in a moment, it all changes.

I have to wonder, in all of this, what is really important? What is being lined up right now? What is God doing in the background? What is he asking of me?

I don't have any answers, not to anything. Not to my job situation, not for how to deal with Fire's terminal diagnosis, not for how to pay for grad school this semester or ever.

Tonight I'm just sad, and have been biting back tears most of the day. A couple women from the greyhound rescue organization have been in contact and have offered their support. Of the three of them, two have suffered this loss recently and let me know of their concern and prayers for us, knowing how it feels.

I guess it's just hitting me that this is for real, it's formal, and it's terminal. And the best thing to do is to let nature take its course. All I can do is wait and watch and pray, and thank God for the gift of life and the gift of love. Because no matter how painful this is, I would not take it back. I would not reject this gift, and I am willing to accept this because it is God's will for me in this moment. It is God's will for this dog, and one day, I will write about the spiritual lessons brought into my life by these humble creatures.

But not tonight. Not tonight.

Tonight is my night and even as I wander among these shadows, I know there is something more beyond them and so we will pass through this valley, never alone.

It's always hard to face losing a friend.


Joe D. said...

Yes, it is.
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

once a month, i meet with a group of men to pray ... we pray as intercessors ... we pray for needs and wants for others ... we pray for healings ... we pray for jobs ... we pray for relationships ... we pray for just about everything and anything that comes up.

there are 26 members of this group, but the number present each month will vary from 10 - 40 (guys travel for their jobs, other things come up, we sometimes bring a friend, etc.)
tonight there were 13 of us present - half of us were occupied elsewhere ... but even when absent, we try to remember to pray for the group while they're meeting.
tonight you made it onto the list of intercession - we prayed for your health ... we prayed for your emotional and spiritual well-being ... we prayed for a new job.
our prayers are very personal, even when they're for 'strangers'. just thought you might be encouraged to know the gates of heaven were stormed in your behalf tonight.
how we feel doesn't necessarily change how things are, but feeling good is certainly better than not.
i hope you feel a little better, now.

HeyJules said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Every time I go to pick out a new pet, I open my heart not only to the thoughts that it will bring so much joy to my life but also to the ones that will require the hardest of decisions and the biggest of sacrifices. When I can face both ends of the coin, then I go find a new friend.

Still, it doesn't make this part of the journey any easier...

I told a friend recently who was facing this same situation that all you can hope to do is to "be Jesus" to this dog. Love him, care for him, keep him free of pain. When the time comes, make the hard choice (as Jesus did) and do it out of love.

I hope that helps you.

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.

Cathy_of_Alex said...

I'll remember you at Adoration this evening

One Hand

Banshee said...

You know, it's hot and it's summer and your dog's sick. Maybe you should just camp out downstairs with your dogs. You'll probably sleep better in the cool, and you'll feel better when the time comes.

Adoro said...

Thanks, everyone.

Hey Jules ~ I read your comment today at work and had to choke back sobs. That's exactly it...making that decision out of love, not out of anything else. A co-worker suggested I should "expedite" that decision. She loves animals but I do think that if she could see him, she'd also agree it's not his time yet. I do hope to make the call not out of panic or a sense of too much "inconvenience", but out of love, and I think that he will tell me himself when that time comes.

Maureen ~ I'm already doing that. When it's hot like it is now, I can't get any decent sleep upstairs, anyway. I haven't slept up there since last Thursday night, (Because of Fire) and likely, until it's Fire's time, I won't again.

Small sacrifice for a loyal friend. Besides...I need to keep an eye on his pain level and as I'm a light sleeper, if he figits too much, I'll know it right away and can call the vet so he can up the dosage or change the med schedule.

I think it's actually necessary for me to sleep downstairs on the couch from here on out.

Maybe some would disagree with me, and I'll admit that, at least when it's cooler out, my bed is much comfier than the couch, as comfy as the couch happense to be. But last night Fire came to me for his own comfort and some pats and then limped on his way back to find a spot to lie down in.

Someday I'll look back on those moments and realize how worth it this is, to be inconvenience in order to spend my last days with a pet who has given me so much joy.

The cancer is moving fast...he's already getting a larger growth on his leg. It's not swelling. And he's figiting more so I'm expecting that by the weekend we'll be giving him more drugs.

If he can just last a few more weeks. My last day at work is a week from Friday, and then I'll have time to spend with him, and if needed, time to mourn and acclimate my Shepherd back to being an only pet again.


Anonymous said...

Adoro, I'm crying here. I lost my dear friend just a few weeks ago, after 15 years, and it just hurts. She went from being a dog, to an old dog, to gone in the space of a month. I also slept downstairs with her because it was too painful for her to make it upstairs. I washed her blanket daily, as she would lose urine during the night--so painful for her--she was always so fastidious. God bless you, and give you peace as you face this very difficult time. Fire is also God's creation, God was so good to us--giving us these faithful and beautiful creatures. I miss my girl, dreadfully..still cry off and on. Oh, dear.