If Confessions of St. Augustine Had Been Blogged

This is a repost from August 14, 2009. Because humor is important!


"Chapter 6 -The Anatomy of Evil

What was it that I, a wretch, loved in you, my act of theft, my deed of crime done by night, done in the sixteenth year of my age? You were not beautiful, for you were but an act of thievery. In truth, are you anything at all, that I may speak to you? The fruit we stole was beautiful, for it was your creation, O most beautiful of all beings, creator of all things, God the good, God the supreme good and my true good. Beautiful was the fruit, but it was not what my unhappy soul desired. I had an abundance of better pears, but those pears I gathered solely that I might steal. The fruit I gathered I threw away, devouring in it only iniquity, and that I rejoiced to enjoy. For if I put any of that fruit into my mouth, my sin was its seasoning. But now, O Lord my God, I seek out what was in that theft to give me delight, and lo, there is no lovliness in it. I do not say suh loveliness as there is in justice and prudence, or in man's mind, and memory, and senses, and virorous life, no that with which the stars are beautiful and glorious in their courses, or the land and the sea filled with their living kinds, which by new birhts replace those that die, nor even that flawed and shadowy beauty found in the vices that deceive us."

August, 397    Discourse and Rhetoric:

FancyMama: Oh, I think you're being way too hard on yourself. It was only a pear! God has already forgiven you! It's not like there weren't enough pears for that guy to share with you. I'm sure if you'd asked him for one he would have given it to you.

Elizabeth III: You have several missepelled words. 5th line from the bottom should be "loveliness", next line down, not sure. Do you mean "such"? Next line down I think you mean "vigorous". Then, in that same long sentence you need to correct "births". Actually, grammatically you've got a lot going on here. You should edit to make your sentences shorter and more understandable.

Manichean: I can't believe you did that! Don't you know that pears weep when they are plucked? And mother tree, what milky tears she must have shed! You should have given the pear to me so that I could have eaten it and breathed particles of God into the world from your sinful hand. You ought to know better, serves you right to feel so awful, but I don't understand your reasoning. And I thought we were buddies. Guess not.

Alypius: Aw, I did that when I was a kid, too, and felt really bad about it after I was baptized and realized that theft is a sin. Baptism changed my whole world. Prayers for you, my friend, and thanksgiving for your conversion.

Rotgut: This is so totally bogus! What the hell is wrong with you? There's no such thing as sin! Life is what you make it! CRAPE DIEUM DUDE!!!!!!!!! And what kind of a doofus are you to write about "loveliness"? What are you, gay?

Augustine: Thank you for your comments, everyone. I will respond to each in turn when I am able.

Elizabeth III, thank you, I'll make the corrections. Typing is a fairly new experience for me and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet!

Manichean, I'm starting a new blog to answer you and Pelagius.

Alypius, ironic name and story - you'll see. Thank you for your prayers. Praise the Lord our God for His wisdom, mercy and the grace of Baptism! Would that I had not caused my mother so many tears before I came to conversion!

I'd also like to remind you all not to feed the vermine for they tend to carry diseases.

WiseGuy: You should totally get a life coach to help you get over these issues. I think you're depressed. There's "Depression" written all OVER your blog. Please seek help. There are medications to help you.

Plotinus2: I agree with what everyone here has said...to a certain degree, anyway. Thanks for this post. I really enjoy your blog and have been a faithful reader for awhile now. Keep up the good work!

RomanForum: Nice blog. You and your readers might be interested to know that we have hot chicks in togas and pears! Check us out at rrr.romanforum.rom

Wannabe: Rotgut, that is totally rude. Get a life, what do you live for, to just rip on everyone else? Hey, Manichaean, you tell him. picking that pear had awful consequences for mother tree, just like the fig tree. HEY! I just realized it's the same principle for both, right? All trees feel it when they're assaulted like that. Just the other day some guy I didn't know asked me for some food, but I actually had it for the saints as I was serving them, but I had to give the guy something. It was like...uh..condemned to hell for giving him the food meant for the saints and prophets. Sorry. Don't tell, ok?

Manichean: @Wannabe, I don't know which of you is worse...Augustine or you!

Illuminated: I don't get it. Augustine, what did you mean that "vices deceive us"?

JudasI: You shouldn't have thrown the fruit away. What a waste. It could have been given to the poor. Illuminated - Augustine doesn't know what he's talking about, don't worry about it.

Soulful: Oh, Augustine, this has to be my favorite post yet! I just LOVE how you address so much of this to God, and how you describe him! That's how I think of him, too!

Converted and Loved: I don't think you can call yourself a "wretch". After all, you've been redeemed, and baptized and all. God loves you! Don't ever forget that!

Manichean: @Augustine, I can't find the blog you cited. Can you email me the url? Or haven't you actually started it yet?

Watermuse: I see you got spammed. Nice. Guess they don't edit their victims. I'd love to see you take on the spammers. LOL

SFreud: I'd love to hear more about your mother, heard she was quite an influence in your life. Do you have any plans to discuss her here? If not, send me an email as I'd love to talk with you about her.

*

*** The quoted passage above is taken from John K. Ryan's translation, of Augustine's Confessions, Chapter 6, paragraph 12. *****

First Seek the Kingdom of God

This morning I planned to get up around 6 or 6:30 am, and be in to work around 8:30 am and work a nine hour day. You see, yesterday morning, because I was up too late Sunday night, I decided to sleep in, for I do have that freedom in my work schedule.

But this morning, I slept in, too. I just plain didn't want to get up. I tried sitting up a couple times, but both times, thought better of it and rested my head on my pillow once again. I looked up at my icon of Our Mother of Perpetual Help, and a nearby picture of Jesus, wishing I could be with them. Knowing that, if I got up, I could get to Mass if I rushed.

But no...I remained in bed. The second time I sat up and laid down, I began to wonder if, actually...was I depressed? Was this two-day-in a row problem with getting up a symptom of an actual chemical imbalance in my brain? Was I sick? I really had to consider it...am I depressed?

No. I'm not. Just...utterly and completely lazy. I COULD have gotten up. I just didn't want to.

Now, to be fair, once I did finally get up around 8:30 am, I did note some scratchiness in my throat and I have a little cough, so it could very well be that this fatigue is a symptom of an oncoming late summer cold. But...really, I feel fine.

The reality is that, during my "free" time this summer, when I wasn't on my discernment retreats, I got into the habit of staying up very late, knowing that I could sleep in. The irony here is that even THEN I often got up to go to Mass by 8 am...knowing that I could nap later. Now that I'm back to work full time, there is no napping. I need to get up and GO GO GO! School starts this coming weekend, and between the fact I know that both work and classes are going to be overwhelming me once again, well...I'm stressed.

I've long known that when stress enters my life, in many ways, I "shut down" and have to struggle to overcome that. I have to take a step back and objectively look at what's going on, and in so doing, turn each thing over to God.

This morning as I got ready for work, I wished I could just call in. In walking the dog, wanting silence, I didn't have my CD player (I don't own an ipod, can't afford it), so all I could hear was the noise of big trucks backing up, people yelling in the park as they played soccer, motorcycles, trucks, beeping, sirens...you name it. I live in large suburb but with all the noise around here you'd think I live in Times Square.

On that walk I realized that what I was really craving was...God. I need to go to Confession, I need to go to Mass. I need to RECEIVE Him in Holy Communion. The great irony of working full time, even in a church, is that once I'm on that work schedule I often don't have time to go to Mass. And..I needed true silence. The visit to the monastery has made me crave silence in a way I've never before experienced. Even before I went, I was eliminating noise from my house, but I can't control the noise of the city around me. And unless I stay into close contact with God, I can't maintain that private cloister in my soul where only He and I communicate. The outside world is too loud, and if I "leave", it becomes too boisterous to bear.

I do have to allow a little more honesty to enter into this "conversation", though. There IS one Mass I could get to, consistently....at 6:30 am. There are many reasons why I don't go, and there are days that I wouldn't be able to make it and for good reason. But...most days I have no excuse.

I'm not a fan of walking my dog in the dark for most of the year. It sometimes creeps me out. But my biggest problem....I have gotten used to staying up late and so I don't want to get up in the morning. No, I'm not a morning person, but still...it's MASS! People all over the world risk their LIVES to get to Mass and I'm too lazy to deprive myself of a little sleep a simple adjustment in schedule would solve?

But there's more....

There's a deeper reason I don't want to get up in the morning, and it isn't just laziness.

I'm weary from the battle. In all my hobbies and busy-ness and life, I know that God is trying to say something to me. In my last reatreat in silence and solitude, I became more deeply attuned to the presence of God in my life, and I can't escape Him, no matter what I do. He is with me in every moment. He sees everything I do, and even if I don't understand the reasons...He does. I can't escape His compassion, I can't escape His sacrifice. I can't escape His love, which He is showing me all the time, even as I run from Him.

But in my own panic I've been using everything around me in a spiritual "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and this can only go on for so long.

I can't get up in the morning because, in doing so, it means I have to face God. I open my eyes, and here He is. The early morning, the first few moments of rising are the most honest of our entire day. If we have any regrets, they crash down right then. If we have any doubts, they crowd in at that very moment when we are at our weakest. If we know we've been running for too long, we realize it then.

It's easier to pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes, feigning sleep as I did when I was a child and didn't want to wake up. It's easier to shut everything out, to delay the morning crush.

I'd rather face myself in the mirror after a rough night of tossing and turning than wake up to that spiritual assult of Truth, day after day.

So, this morning, I realized that it was time to return to simplicity: "First seek the kingdom of God."

I realized that being deprived of the Sacraments (Sunday is NOT enough!) is a problem, for I can't do anything without Him. I realized that I'm weary because I'm trying to shut God out and He will never tire, nor will He ever give up. If I try to keep this up, I'll be decimated, and rightly so.

I considered calling in to work this morning, as, I thought, my boss would be there but I had a few things to discuss with her. So I decided to work a couple hours then come home, spend time in prayer, being honest with myself and with God, and hopefully I'll be able to get to Confession tonight. (the time is limited and if the line is too long, which it often is, I might not be able to go).

I've decided that, with both work and school crushing down on me, I have to put myself on a schedule. It seems that prayer is always the first thing to be tossed, and when that happens, I lose everything.

I'm going to compose a schedule to follow, including regular time for prayer throughout the day. FORMAL prayer. I don't have the Liturgy of the Hours for nothing. I'm going to do my best to get to Mass if it means going at 6:30 am every weekday. Once school starts, I need to dedicate my short evenings to study, and then I need to get to bed. Even during my workday, I know that I can schedule regular prayer most days. I don't consider this to be a "break" but a requirement of the spiritual life and my job, and I know that neither my boss the DRE nor Father bats an eye at the idea of running to the church or chapel for prayer. I'm pretty sure they see it as a necessity, too.

If I can fulfill this schedule, it means less time for blogging and social networking. It means I need to get ahold of myself and dedicate myself to God. If He doesn't come first in EVERY MOMENT then I will be lost forever.

Of that I have no doubt.

For those who wonder why I'm writing this? Both for accountability (putting it in print has meaning!), and, well, take a look at the text in my sidebar:

"To whom do I tell these things? Not to you, my God, but before you I tell them to my own kind, to mankind, or to whatever small part of it may come upon these books of mine. Why do I tell these things? It is that I myself and whoever else reads them may realize from what great depths we must cry unto you. What is closer to your ears than a contrite heart and a life of faith?" ~ St. Augustine

**

It's no secret to any of my readers that I'm not a Saint. I'm crabby, I get crabbier when I'm frustrated, and I'm a sinner. I tend to lash out instead of hold my tongue, and then, the part you don't see, is how I beat myself up about it. Much of this could be solved if I just spent more time with Him, and less time with myself.

Anyone seeking holiness knows exactly what I mean by that...maybe all of it.

I'm sorry for the offenses that I've caused and ask for your forgiveness. I hope that I can follow this schedule (which I haven't written yet) and ask for you all to pray for me.

Thank you and God bless you.
*

What Does Ambition Seek?

Today in class our professor lectured on St. Augustine's Confessions, so throughout course of the day, my attention was drawn to certain passages. (whether they were a part of the lecture or not!) As often happens in class, I was struck several times by what he said and by the words that were in the text. And as usual, my mind went off to its own fields of observation.

"For pride imitates loftiness of mind, hwile you are the one God, highest above all things. What does ambition seek, except honor and glory, while you alone are to be honored above all else and are glorious forever?"

It is this passage that defines my very state in life right now, and which, ironically (or not so ironically when one considers the mystery of God in one's life), came up yesterday in conversation with a friend.

A couple years ago I lamented that I was stuck; I was in a job I hated, a career that was going nowhere. When I'd begun I saw a career path in front of me, I "knew" where I was going, and was excited that my background was going to propel me into a very successful future. It wasn't a future I'd originally forseen for myself, but it was one that seemed to arise from God's Divine Providence. But over time, the job wore on me, roadblocks went up, and the "shiny future" no longer looked like something I wanted. In fact, I saw it for what it was, and realized that I would not find happiness there.

But I didn't want to go back to the careers of my background, and in any case, I'd shut the doors that would have lead back to them, for I'd realized that they weren't a source of happiness. In fact, they were quite literally dead ends. Unfortunately, my time in that job I had begun to hate, also effectively prevented my return to any possible routes, for I'd been out of my degree field and original areas of experience for too long; I had rendered myself obsolete.

I'd unknowingly comitted professional suicide.

I was stuck. I couldn't move forward, I couldn't move laterally, every day was making me realize that my future had an Axe in it and not a promotion, and basically...the only thing I really had was God.

That's how I met Him face-to-face, so to speak, I think. That's the crisis that drew me to Him; I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or who I was supposed to be. In fact, I was on my knees in what I saw as the ashes of my life, once again. But let's face it; that's the BEST way to learn who we are and where we really belong. That's what made me start asking the right questions, redefine "happiness" according to a proper standard, and subsequently understand that life isn't about what we do...it's about who we are called to be.

One of my biggest laments was that all through high school and college I'd been very DRIVEN towards my career goals. I knew what I'd come from and what I desperately was trying to escape, I knew what I wanted to do, I knew I had a future, and I thought I was in control of it. And sure enough, everything I touched turned to gold: doors opened, gates parted, and my dreams (really quite humble ones, if glorious in my eyes) were on the verge of being realized. And really, they WERE realized.

Unfortunately, they lost their sheen, and like the Prodigal Son, I, the Prodigal Daughter, found myself eating muck and begging for my bread.

It's been a repetetive pattern in my life, but it was the last manifestation that was finally definitive; each crash was really a new ascent. A new purification. Each disaster, I now see, was bringing me closer to God.

To be perfectly honest, while my goals were truly humble in this world as I did not desire fame or political power or anything like that, I WAS still ambitious, and that ambition was truly a way of seeking glory for myself. I wasn't doing anything for God or out of love for God; everything I did was centered upon myself and what I wanted and what I thought I needed.

In short, it was my quite unholy opinion that I thought the world revolved around me, and whenever it didn't, I became upset and demanded that such "injustice" should change.

No, I never truly realized that this was my position, and I never voiced such an idea; in fact, I abhored the thought! All of us realize, rationally, that the world does not revolve around us, but when we get to the depths of our wounded souls, we have to face the fact that, if we are not living in reference to the Sacrifice of the Cross, then we are living for ourselves. With that kind of flawed philosophy, the only truth is that we make ourselves the center of the world.

We will never find happiness if we define ourselves according to our own scales, for we can ONLY know ourselves through knowing others, and we can only discover who we are called to be if we are willing to embrace the Mystery of the Cross - and in fact, let the blood of the Cross be mingled with our own blood and sweat.

Yesterday, in speaking with a friend, I revealed to her that I still don't know my future. I'm no longer in the job that made me so miserable, but the position I'm in now is definitely not my "calling". I do recognize a certain Call in my co-workers, which they are fulfilling beautifully. They are enthusiastic and passionate, and God's hand is on them. Myself...I'm there, I'm taking up space, I'm doing the best I can and I'm learning a lot, but it's not my future. It's a waystation, another purification, but have no fear; it is developing virtues and skills I'd not have in any other way. And it's building relationships that draw me further out of myself, refusing to take me out of the shadow of the Cross. I'm at peace, knowing there's a reason for where I am, and I do truly love the people with whom I work and those I am serving.

A New Future?

I don't see a future for myself, not when I consider my life according to career or material, worldly goals. "Future" is a word that's not really in my vocabulary anymore, for it's an irrelevant term. In fact, when it comes to my material future, I "foresee" disaster only. But it doesn't matter. God has taught me how to re-define my priorities, and even though I still battle with myself in self-love and glory-seeking ambition, it's not what defines me any more. My identity is no longer tied to what I do to pay my bills, but rather, it's in my identity in Christ.

I'm learning to live with reference to God, to know myself through loving others, and to look to the Cross for the answers of my deepest questions.

St. Augustine, one of my dearest and longest-suffering Patrons, really hit the nail on the head in the quote I used, and I love him even more for his honesty. His words still condemn me, but they also reveal, in hindsight, the spiritual journey my life has taken thus far, and remind me to continuously look to honor and glorify God in all things.

As long as we remember that, our own ambitions can be put into their proper place, in deference to God's own will, for He desires only our good, which cannot be separated from the good of the salvation of others.

It's a lesson I'd suffer again to learn...and probably will.

St. Augustine, pray for us!

Late have I loved you!

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would not have been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

~ St. Augustine, Confessions of St. Augustine


"Sin" is a term we hear a lot of in this blessed penitential season, and that is as it should be. Yet in our culture, so many don't know what sin is; there is, as John Paul II called it, a "loss of the sense of sin."

According to St. Thomas Aquinas in Summa Theologica, sin is "disordered love." We commonly understand sin to be a rejection of God's love and an abuse of freedom. We sin with our free will, in turning away from God, in turning away from holiness. God loves us so deeply he specially created us all to be in eternal union with him; each one of us is precious. He gives us gifts, andit is through this giving that we reject His love, which wounds him greviously.

Why would we do such a thing? Why do we constantly reject God's love?

Perhaps there is a more practical question; HOW do we reject God's love?

We reject him in simple ways, constantly, without even thinking twice about it. We personally sin when we reject gifts he has given us, and we sin socially as well, for every gift is given to us for the purpose of building up his kingdom.

I have always been on the artistic side; those things in which I always excelled surrounded the arts; music, writing, literature, theater. I have always loved beauty. I have always been drawn to that which was true and good and beautiful, but in simple ways. I have always been a romantic, even somewhat of an idealist.

Yet somehow, I rejected all of that in favor of pursuing "a career." I saw no way to "make money" through my artistic pursuits, so I gave them up. I also began to see them as a form of weakness so out of hand I saw no place for them in my life. Out the door they went.

There has always been an ache in my soul, striving to bring me back to what I had thrown away. And truth be told, I have never forgotten those things I always wanted to be, primary of which may not surprise you: a writer.

In second grade, I told my Mom that I wanted to write and illustrate my own books. Period. That's what I wanted to do and that was what I was GOING to do, gosh darn it! Oddly enough, that same year in school we learned how to make "books". We had to write a story and illustrate it on the folded construction-paper pages that made up this project. Being that we were very limited in the format, my imagination was cramped, lending to a very boring factual book about birds. It really was a terrible book. I “wrote” another one for extra credit. That was equally as bad. I'm quite sure I no longer have these books. I hope not, in any case; if I ever do succeed in becoming a famous author no doubt these atrocities would be pulled out and sent to a museum after my death.

But a spark was there, and even through the bad results my teachers encouraged me to pursue these talents and aptitudes that I had. As I matured and became more "driven" and "worldly", one by one, I began to reject my God-given gifts until there was nothing left. No wonder I've been so miserable in my professional work for so long; God gave me what I needed, and I chose to make my own path, cutting with the dull machete of my own willfulness through this jungle that is the world. God, in his infinite grace, has kept his hand upon me, yet He does not interfere with our freedom to reject him, no matter how much that rejection wounds him.

Just lately, I have realized that my rebellion was a complete rejection of God's love; I rejected Him through the gifts he so lovingly bestowed upon me. We all have talents and aptitudes in different things. We all have some sort of gift God gave us for the purpose of sharing it with others in order to build and strengthen His kingdom.

I rejected those gifts so many years ago, and now, I realize the love that went into each gift. I know that some of those will never be returned to me; others, in His infinite mercy, God has left with me, like tools just waiting to be picked up. The Kingdom still needs builders. The Kingdom needs architects. The Kingdom needs laborers, and workers for the vineyard. Our gifts are the tools He gives us for this work, and we are to use these tools with much love in order to fulfill the directive of Jesus to "love others as I have loved you."

I contemplate the words of St. Augustine, so poetic in their bittersweet testimony of love. The romantic in me recognizes the remorse of the great Saint, and my soul anguishes as I realize his very words apply to me as well. I adopt them as my own for he expressed so much better than I the understanding of the rejection of God's love.

In my search for worldly success, I rejected those things God gave me; no doubt at least ONE of them, had I been faithful enough to use it, would have lead me to a special place in which to put that gift to use. I pray it is not too late. I am late indeed, in loving God, but I pray, that in His infinite mercy, He welcomes me back to the vineyard and helps me clean and polish my rusty tools. There must be a place somewhere for me, and for all of us, in this place.

In a way, those of us who have rejected these gifts from our childhood are prodigals; we have rejected or perhaps misused our inheritance. We must be willing to come back to God and re-offer what we have, or even beg for the restoration of what he gave us before we had a chance to reject him. Maybe God has something new for us, or maybe a better version of the old gift. We won't know unless we take a step forward and ask with contrite hearts for another chance to serve Him, offering back to Him in sincerity those things he lovingly gave us so long ago.