The Intercession of Fr. Walter Ciszek, SJ

I've written before of the good Father Ciszek and his cause for canonization. I've written about how I became aware of him after praying to the Unknown Saints, asking for any of them to reveal themselves.

Fr. Ciszek did. No, he is not canonized, but that week a friend introduced me to his book, "He Leadeth Me", and his subsequent book, "With God in Russia."  Oh, yes, indeed, the good Father was praying for me and I found much need to call upon his mechanical expertise in my years as a miserable and under trained claims investigator/adjuster.

This morning, on my way to work, his "Prayer of Surrender" kept coming to mind; certain portions of it stood out and his biggest adage, which is often set forth in the Liturgy of the Hours:  "Surrender to God and He will do everything for you."

Even though I didn't understand the random prayers, I prayed them sincerely, for I love them and they have guided me through some very serious trials.

This afternoon, I came across an article about Fr. Ciszek's cause for canonization, and sent it on to a few friends who know of him and also found great value in his spirituality, trials, and testimony.

Then, this evening, I went to leave work and sure enough, my car would not start. Two different co-workers using two different sets of jumper cables worked with me to start my car. The battery wouldn't hold a charge.As usual, I assumed the worst: alternator. Starter. All of it, all at once. And never mind the fact I'm overdue for a transmission flush and about due for an oil change. Oh, and one of the NEW brakes is grinding again.

Don't get me started.

After the last jump attempt failed, I walked around my car, knowing it would remain there until it was towed. I don't have the money. I have a credit card which, although I'm nowhere near the max, is high enough and I can barely pay it each month. (In fact, I have 2 cards that have attained the "barely-being-paid" status thanks to car problems, grad books over 3 years, and other random things my meager paycheck doesn't cover).

Facing this problem, I just sighed.  "Lord, Thy will be done."

I did all I could, my co-workers did all they could. I was grateful for their efforts, and grateful to have a ride home. God could do what He wanted with my car....I was bereft.

Surrender

I left work and called the tow driver from my pre-paid cell to give him the info. He couldn't get it until morning. Fine. I preferred an evening pickup, but it was what it was.

Tonight a friend called me and said he thinks he can fix my car. After some discussion, we realized that perhaps there was an applicable warranty, perhaps it is the battery and not the much more expensive alternator, and perhaps this situation isn't so bad as I thought.

Tomorrow morning I will be making some calls, but until then, I am praying to Fr. Walter Ciszek for his mechanical intercession, once again, and suspect he has been praying for this very issue for some time now.

Surrender to God, indeed. He knows how much we can take, and how much our finances can take.

Please pray for me, and pray for the canonization of Fr. Ciszek, who does his work behind the scenes and apparently, in the engines of cars owned by paupers like me.

PRAYER OF SURRENDER

Lord Jesus Christ, I ask the grace to accept the sadness in my heart, as your will for me, in this moment. I offer it up, in union with your sufferings, for those who are in deepest need of your redeeming grace. I surrender myself to your Father's will and I ask you to help me to move on to the next task that you have set for me.

Spirit of Christ, help me to enter into a deeper union with you. Lead me away from dwelling on the hurt I feel:

to thoughts of charity for those who need my love

to thoughts of compassion for those who need my care, and to thoughts of giving to those who need my help.

As I give myself to you, help me to provide for the salvation of those who come to me in need.

May I find my healing in this giving.

May I always accept God's will.

May I find my true self by living for others in a spirit of sacrifice and suffering.

May I die more fully to myself, and live more fully in you.

As I seek to surrender to the Father's will, may I come to trust that he will do everything for me.

With Ecclesiastical Approval


adapted from the spiritual teachings of Rev. Walter J. Ciszek, SJ.


The Father Walter Ciszek Prayer League, Inc.,
231 North Jardin Street
Shenandoah, PA 17976
(570) 462-2270


Official Organization for the Promotion of the Cause of Canonization of REV. WALTER J. CISZEK, S.J.

Create In Me a Clean Heart O God

Create a clean heart in me o God
~ Psalm 51

Today is the Feast of St. Augustine, a Saint that has been very special to me for a very long time, and, in fact, he's special to many people. Everyone may have their own reasons, but I suspect that most would cite this terrible sinner who continued to respond to God's grace. He was a great intellect and has contributed much to our faith and to the world. And now he interceeds for us, for we all get mired down in sins. For class this semester, we are reading "Confessions", and each time I read this book, I see more, I understand more, and I have more hope.


I think back to my “big” Confession of 12 years, the one I had delayed so long in part because I was not convinced of my own “steadfast spirit.” In being catechized through EWTN, I knew that I had to have a “firm purpose of amendment” and I questioned this, for I didn’t know how to get out of the life I was living at the time. I was truly struggling. It was purely God’s grace that got me to Confession and held me in the line until I could finally approach the priest.

And I told him, in between my sobs, that I had waited so long because I didn’t think I had a firm purpose of amendment. I knew that I would leave, and return right back into the depths of my sins. I didn’t want to do that, I wanted to be clean. I wanted to be pure. I wanted God. I didn’t think I could be forgiven, and I stood there that evening, saying that to the priest, yet not in those words. But he understood, perfectly, what I couldn’t convey.

Even now, I struggle at times with this idea, with habitual sin. We all do, to some degree or another. The problem is that we become quite comfortable in our sins, and even if we recognize them as sins, we sometimes can’t break away. We “sorta” have a desire to change, but not really. We like to grasp onto our favorite sins, their comfort like a warm worn-out old blanket. The kind of thing we know we should just throw away but it’s a part of us now, so we can’t.

Back then, I remained away from Confession because I was so lost in my sins, I didn’t think I could walk away from them. And I was right; I couldn’t. But over time, I was freed from the situation and really started life over. Now, though, the situation may be different, but the concept is the same. And now, although I go to Confession frequently, sometimes I wonder if I should not, for I question my own intentions. I consider my habitual sins, and it’s not those that are worn out...it’s me. They’re wearing holes in me. I WANT a clean heart, but apparently not badly enough to let go.

Still, I’ll return to Confession with my same old list, remembering the advice of that priest now long ago; that we all know that even as we confess our sins, we may return to them. And be back the next week, fallen yet again. But THAT’S why we have the Sacrament. That’s why we go back over and over again. Because we can’t pick ourselves up. Only God can, and He does, as many times as He needs to.

St. Augustine struggled mightily with sin, and even addressed this desire we have, this dichotomy and dissonance we all try to rectify. We want to become Saints, we know we are called to be Saints - but not yet. Not today. Let me just engage in this sin one more time and then I’ll really quit. I mean it. Or just a little longer, because it’s so comfortable, I don’t want to think about the fact it’s a sin. Because it doesn’t really “feel” like a sin. I LIKE my impatience, and my snarkiness. I like my laziness, etc. It’s what makes me “me”. It’s my quirk. It’s not a sin...that’s it. It’s a quirk. People have quirks. This is what makes me “people”.

It becomes very easy to rationalize, and explain away our little sins. It becomes avoidance of the real issue, and if we don’t take it to Confession, we don’t take that step to “own” it. Maybe it’s hard to break away, but God’s grace can do amazing things, if we would only let Him in and invite Him to change us. To pray that we WANT to overcome these things, instead of returning week after week or month after month to Confession.

I do often question my purpose of amendment, and I realize that all too often I don't want to give up those things that separate me from God. They don't SEEM that bad...but if there is anything that I keep in my life that keeps me from God, well, that IS a big deal! And so I go to Confession, and even when I don't mean it, I pray for the desire to change and truly WANT to eradicate sin from my life. Hopefully one day, the imperfect prayer will turn into a sincere one, and when we reach that point, that's where we can finally cooperate with God.

Create a clean heart in me o God, renew in me a steadfast spirit.

St. Monica, St. Augustine, pray for us!

The Communion of Saints, the Mercy of God...a Job?

I've really been in a slump, lately, as panic begins to set in. I will not be able to make my mortgage payment for September and I will have to contact those companies that charge my utility bills as well. I will need a payment plan of sorts.

This morning I spent some time looking for jobs that I can live on - nuthin'. Nearly despairing, I sat down to do some reading, and, giving in once again to the gloomy sky that so reflects my mood, I took a nap, falling asleep while talking to Jesus about how much my future really seems to suck.

And the one thing He keeps saying, over and over is "Trust Me."

That's the hardest thing in the world for me to do. And He knows it, and He knows exactly why. How many weeks into my self-imposed exile am I? And no end in sight. But the end of my money...I know where that is, and how long it can last, and if something doesn't happen soon...I know there are bills that won't be paid. That's not good.

I woke up from my nap, still wanting to sleep rather than face the dark and gloomy house. Looking up at my framed copy of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, I begged her for help...I can't get out of this on my own. I am adrift. I am lost. I am losing everything. Even she looked at me so serenely as she held her dear child, and she asked me to trust, too.

I got up and as I pulled back the curtain again to "brighten" the room (it didn't do much), I considered the Saints I have prayed to. St. Joseph...St. Anthony (his vigil candle is lit today), St. Monica, St. Piux X (Today is his feast day), St. Bernard...and others. I pray to my Guardian Angel to help me click on jobs I would not otherwise consider, to speed my applications along their way, to help me in whatever way he can.

I know the Saints, as they ae alive in Christ for eternity, hear and answer our please for assistance here on earth.

As I came downstairs, I told God I did not want to; I didn't want to look at the caller ID and see a blank face because no one had called. I didn't want to go to the mailbox for fear of finding a rejection letter.

But as I said this, the reply to my prayer was there; I had to accept the cross I had chosen...and trust.

So I went to the mailbox, and found nothing but a bag so I can donate stuff. That will come in handy, I thought, when I am preparing top put my house on the market and have to unload this sinking ship.

I came back inside, still sad, thinking I should make some coffee. I was trying to come out of my pitiful state, still somewhat sleepy, thinking the caffeine would help.

Wondering if I'd go to Mass tonight, or to another event at the same time, leaning towards Mass so I can appeal directly to God while in the presence of the Heavenly contingent.

And then the phone rang. I was terrified. What's that noise? I was afraid to look. Afraid of disappointment, yet again.

So I reached out and saw the name of a Saint on the caller ID.

I have an interview for a Faith Formation position next week! FINALLY! PRAISE GOD!

I am not really qualified for the job, however I have the skills needed even if not all the knowledge, and I can learn. And as I'm starting Grad School this weekend, I'll be in an active learning process, anyway. So it IS possible for me to get this job.

So my decision is made...tonight I MUST go to Mass, I MUST thank God for a small success, a little hope on a day I so desperately needed it, and I will socialize with people next month.

If I get this job there will be many Saints to thank...the one whose namesake is the parish, St. Monica, for I spoke to her very heart-to-heart last night, and, by the way...next Monday, the day of my interview, is her feast day. Is her intercession always that obvious?

For now, all I have is an interview, and I thank God for that.

Now, though, I have another problem! The interview suit I wore 5 years ago doesn't fit! I need a new one, so tomorrow or Thursday I will go shopping, and perhaps finally get my hair cut. Believe me, I need it. The last thing I need right now is to be sloppy-looking.

So I guess my next prayer, other than to have other requests for interviews...is to find a nice suit that doesn't cost an arm and a leg!

Of Toddlers, Temper Tantrums, and Timely Blessings

I think Father V. at Adam's Ale is rubbing off on me. He's fond of alliteration, and now here I go, copying his style.

Anyway, this is a long post alert. None of you should be surprised. You KNOW I can't keep my mouth shut!

Of Toddler and Temper Tantrums

Sometimes I think I paint a picture of myself on this blog that is not entirely accurate. Sometimes I get the impression that some readers think of me as some kind of "spiritual giant." As my previous post and some others like it should prove, I am nothing of the sort.

Today as I locked my computer, logged off my phone, and headed out the door, I considered some of the recent events of my life and the posts I've read recently by other bloggers, most notably Terry at Abbey Roads2 and Happy Catholic.

I have been struggling in my work for at least 3 years now. I've been there for almost five. My first year was very hard, but I had a goal, so it made the work bearable, but I couldn't lie to myself or anyone else...I hated it. Then I got promoted to my current position, and for about a year, I actually loved my job...mostly. Then things changed, and the company has gone downhill, the job has changed, and what I loved about it before no longer exists....that, and I've grown as a human being. I am not in the same spiritual place and those things I loved...well, let's just say that they are not things that are compatible with growing in virtue. Not for me, anyway. Perhaps others could handle the work and the focus of it without being so affected, but I am not one of those people. You all see how emotional I am; I wear my heart on my sleeve. My temperment is not compatible with my situation. Thus suffering ensues.

Yes, suffering is redemptive, and I've gone through phases...sometimes I'm able to accept my lot and trudge along, sometimes I'm barely keeping my rebellion at bay...and sometimes, the rebel in me is let loose in full fury and chaos reigns.

I am nothing but a spiritual toddler, kicking and screaming in my own little spiritual and emotional temper tantrums, telling God, "I will not serve!" even as I return to my work each day, grumbling, yet trying to hard, still telling God, "I am not going to do this!." And even as my words convey my feelings, my actions must be obedient, and God knows this, and tolerates my insolence. He knows I have no choice, and he knows this because he placed me in this very spot.

Today as I left, I considered one of my patrons, John Paul II. He helped me with my class spring semester this year, and has greatly opened my eyes to many theological matters. I've found him easy to talk to, and in doing so, he has lead me to answers.

Today, as I conversed in my prayer to this uncanonized saint, he reminded me of the posts I read, and asked me to consider what they told me. They are a mirror of myself and my reactions to things. They reflect what I do not want to see...that being my rebellion and my tantrums. I know that things happen on God's time, and I am reacting out of not necessarily frustration with God, but my own frustration with myself. I try to rely on myself far too much and end up leaving God out of the equation. I haven't found the balance of God's grace, my acceptance of it, and the actions I'm supposed to take versus the actions I want to take and my demands to God to fulfill what I want.

I say oh-so-piously, "Thy will be done," but what I reallly mean is "MY will be done."

God definitely knows our hearts, and even if we talk ourselves into saying we want God's will to be done, in reality, we are still praying to ourselves out of our own self-love, and God will certainly answer that prayer by allowing us to wallow in our own self-deceptive ways. It's the only way we can learn, and it's far more effective than a slap on the folded hands.

We inflict our own punishments. God doesn't have to do a thing. He just sits back and loves us enough to let us learn from our trials, most of which we cause for ourselves.

Then we kick and scream, we make demands, and finally God speaks up and asks, "Just WHO are you praying to?"

And then, maybe then, we stop long enough to listen to what he has to say, because that question is shocking in its simplicty.

Today, I realized that all my prayers are constantly being answered, even before I pray. In the context of my job, a few years ago God, seeing what was coming for he created me, drew me very close to him. I was attending Daily Mass and my work schedule allowed it. I was skipping lunch and going to adoration at a nearby chapel. I didn't realize it, but this was actually a fast. I once went almost two weeks without eating lunch, and I didn't care about the hunger, for the greater hunger was being met....my relationship with Our Savior.

Then it hit...bad management, friction with a certain key co-worker, realization that I had no future in my position, an impossible workload....and a possible call to religious life.

He saw my need and answered it, giving me strength to persevere when otherwise I would have run away. I was falsely accused, but the accusation and closed-door meeting happened upon my return from lunch Adoration, and I kept my eyes on the crucified Lord, as directed interiorly to do.

The suffering has continued...I have not found an escape.


TIMELY BLESSINGS

The Saints choose us...I'm convinced of that.

During my struggles, I was also making my entrance into the Church, and it was a long painful year, for even as I returned, I knew God was calling me to more, and I was so torn between the world and the spiritual life. Even as I suffered in the temporal realm, there was great joy in the spiritual, even as I suffered there as well.

One day I was in the back of the chapel, having an arrangement to wait until the end of the line to go to Confession with Father. I could not control my tears, I was struggling with so many things, and the waiting was unbearable. I sat, crying silently, looking at Jesus. I was near the statue of St. Therese the Little Flower; I've always had a devotion to her, even if marginal. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman wearing a black chapel veil standing next to me. She nudged me gently and held a little homemade booklet out to me. Stooping slightly, whispering, she said to me, "I brought this here tonight for someone who wanted it, but that person is not here. I think I'm supposed to give it to you."

That little booklet was a series of prayers and novenas to St. Therese the Little Flower. That same year, shortly after, I said a brief novena to her, and in October, a flower bush outside my door burst into bloom, 3 flowers only. My other bush, nothing. Some of my neighbors have the same bushes, the same light exposure...no blooms anywhere else.

Then God sent me St. Francis de Sales, and his words of wisdom headed off some other crises. Next was Fr. Walter Ciszek, a Jesuit priest who spent 23 years imprisoned in Stalin's labor camps in Siberia, falsely accused. The parallels with my situation are undeniable, spiritually speaking, and given the hardship of his everyday life, his story gives me strength when facing my own problems.

God is upping the ante on me yet again, and I'm noticing the pattern...whenever he invites me deeper, to take on more in service to Him, the temporal issues become greater and more intense. The job is usually at the forefront of this type of suffering.

Yet, I am not alone. He sends in the troops. He sends me to His Mother.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help has become my perpetual help. I have quite literally felt my hands in hers, I have recieved affirmations of her intercession, and now, the Saints are coming out of the woodwork.

St. Rita (two people, in two days, brought her to me), St. Anthony (today is his feast day), Walter Ciszek, reminding me of his aid to me every day in my work, John Paul II, with his apostolic guidance with a personal touch...and so many others!

There is another Saint especially dear to my heart, for his was a household name for us. Our family prayed to him before he was ever canonized; Padre Pio. He was a friend of my great uncle, who met him during the war. I still have a letter from that uncle (the one who wanted me to be a teacher and offered to pay for my education), indicating that he added my brother and I to Padre Pio's spiritual family long ago.

Padre Pio is so close to us that I have a hard time referring to him as "Saint Pio", because, to me, he will always be "Padre", the grumpy "uncle" bearing the wounds of Christ. I'm certain it's this grumpy "uncle" who brought me back home, and I KNOW that he's the one who brought me back to Confession.

Yet for me, he remains on the outskirts of my spiritual awareness. I pray to him for his intercession, but more often, he doesn't answer those prayers directly, but instead places me in a position to bring his intercession to someone else. He has used me to bring signs of confirmation for prayers heard, he has used me to cousel others, he has used me to make connections on behalf of others. I didn't know of the connections until they happened and the other party revealed them to me.

Yet he terrifies me; my impression of him is of his grumpiness, although I know he was exceedingly kind, and wise, and holy. I have a sense that he is impatient with me, and well he should be...for I am a spiritual toddler when he has desired I be "raised" to be more like Christ. I fall short through my own fault, in spite of every grace given to me. How he must have sighed in impatience at yesterday's post!

But the Lord is faithful, and even in our imperfections, our spiritual childhood, he stays his hand and bears us up one more time.

I am such a mess of a human being...I am so often a bumbling idiot, and I am so grateful for the Lord's patience and the presence of our Holy Mother.


Yes, I am suffering, I hate my job, and that will continue. God has not seen fit to move me, and God seems to be very forgiving of my temper tantrums. He has sent me to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, He has sent me Saints, he has sent me angels, he has sent me people on earth.

My friends, I have no right to complain about anything; I have all the blessings available, and yet, I know I will continue to suffer in misery because that is our plight on earth.

We all suffer, but even in suffering, we have to recognize the blessings, because, it seems, the blessings are more obvious and abundant when we are in the throes of abject misery.

Our God is a God of mercy and paradox; and thus in true form, I must admit I am praying for more mercy and less paradox. Because, spiritual toddler that I am, I know I should be praying for God's will, but I'm going to be honest with you all...I'm praying for my will, and I need help in overcoming such a prayer.

And that's all I have to say about that. You can wake up and go home now. Come back and visit again sometime, especially if you need a nap.