I KNEW IT!

I just found this article on KSTP.com, and it just confirms what I already sensed....every damn time I crossed that bridge, which, by the way, was several times per week in a typical week. I had no basis for my sense of unrest, but for the last several years of having to cross it to get to St. Paul Impound, I always felt queasy. I could not keep my thoughts from wandering into the "what if it collapses?" scenario. So, you see, the only surprise I truely felt at the I-35 W collapse was the fact that it was that bridge that went, and not the Laffayette Bridge in St. Paul. To be clear, the I-35 W bridge also gave me the heebie-jeebies, but not to the degree the St. Paul bridge did. Thankfully I'm no longer in that job, and I live on the far side of the Metro area from it....but if life takes me in that direction, I'll find alternative routes, even if it involves swimming the Mississippi.

ST. PAUL (AP) - A heavily-traveled bridge over the Mississippi River in St. Paul has raised some of the same safety concerns as the interstate bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis, and isn't slated for replacement until 2011.

Like the collapsed bridge, the Lafayette Bridge - which carries Highway 52 over the river just east of downtown St. Paul - is considered structurally deficient, with a sufficiency rating just under what the I-35W span was rated. Also like that bridge, the Lafayette is "fracture-critical," meaning that if one part fails the whole bridge could fail.

The Lafayette carries 81,000 vehicles a day, making it the state's most-traveled bridge with troubles similar to the I-35W bridge. Its history includes a temporary shutdown in 1975, less than a decade after its 1968 opening, when a crack was discovered that was described at the time as large enough to put your arm into.

That fracture in the southbound lane nearly resulted "in (the) collapse of the bridge," according to a 2006 inspection report. The damaged component was jacked back into place and reinforced with bolted plates, the report said.

"That's a bridge we've been watching for a number of years," said Department of Transportation spokesman Kent Barnard. He added that its condition is "nothing ominous, nothing threatening."

Barnard said he drives across the bridge two to three times a week and doesn't worry about it.

But Mike Legato does worry about it. The St. Paul construction worker says there are times, especially if traffic is heavy and cars are bumper to bumper, that he can feel the bridge rattle and shake on his daily commute.

"When you're stopped, you really feel it," he said.

Khani Sahebjam, an engineer for the Metropolitan District of the state Department of Transportation, said he knew of no plans to accelerate the timetable for reconstruction. But he acknowledged that priorities could change.

"Of course it's all tied to possible future funding," Sahebjam said. "Right now, with this situation, the focus is on bridges, so maybe bridges will be done sooner."

Bridges do vibrate and are designed to do so, Sahebjam said.

St. Paul City Engineer John Maczko said he hopes the I-35W collapse will result in a quicker replacement for the Lafayette Bridge.

"I would think that this has shaken them (MnDOT) to the bone," Maczko said.

Surreal Week

Last weekend, I still had a greyhound and I was looking forward to my last day at work. My worry for him tainted my joy at leaving my job, but I was looking forward to some "free days" in order to spend time with him, likely to be his last days.

But that's not how it worked. The cancer was end stage, and I will write more about it and what happened, but I can't do it yet. Suffice to say that Tuesdy was a terrible day, I made the hardest decision I have ever made, at the most inconvenient time...and those most impacted showed me nothing but compassion and understanding.

But my grief was so deep on Tuesday, I fell asleep in tears, I woke up and immediately felt Fire's loss...and had to go to work. I'm grateful I had to work, for it kept a certain schedule, preventing me from sitting around in a daze. I couldn't stop my tears, I begged God for help, and I went to work with tearstained cheeks and swollen red eyes, determined to do my job even though my heart was breaking.

Having to talk about it did help, even though, had I had my choice, I would have spent Wednesday locked up not speaking to anyone. But God had other plans for me, and my Manager, who knew what happened, hadn't passed on the news to my co workers. They knew my dog was sick and had cancer; they didn't know why I'd left work, so I had to tell them. There are many pet owners in my office, and they formed an unofficial support group for me on Wednesday, individually, sharing their losses, empathizing with mine, and no one commented when the tears came, no one made a fuss, and somehow, I made it over that hurdle. One co-worker isn't a fan of pets, but she is blessed with a soft heart for the suffering both human and animals, and when I told her I'd had to put my dog to sleep, I could see tears in her own eyes. I quickly made an exit...I barely had control of my emotions, and I could see that she, too, was trying to maintain at that point. So through our shared cube wall our conversation continued...it was easier when neither of us could see emotion.

By the end of the day, a sort of numbness set in, and I walked into a half-empty house, Fire's lack of presence echoing and reverberating. I never realized until then how BIG his presence was. My big red dog wasn't whining to get out of the kennel; the kennel was empty and silent. My Shepherd was even subdued, not having to compete for my affection. I had only one dog to take out...my worry for Fire was gone, and in place of that weight was a heavier, silent weight. So I went about our regular routine...but this time, without the other half of it.

Then I turned on the TV. I wanted to take the Shepherd for a walk; her evening walks had been missed for awhile, for obvious reasons, but on Wednesday evening, the sky was overcast and darkening, so I turned on the TV. I didn't normally watch the 6:00 news because I had access to the news all day at work, via internet, and figured I didn't need to know any more. Much of the stuff I was handling was news-worthy stuff, and I didn't need to see it played out overly-much when I got home. But Wednesday night, I needed the weather.

Almost immediately, I saw the breaking news. I still had the awful numb feeling, so in a disconnected manner, thought the initial reports, without a visual, were referencing the 35W bridge over the Minnesota river that runs between Bloomington and Burnsville about 20-30 minutes south of Minneapolis.

That bridge is closer to the water, would indeed be a disaster, but of a different sort...so initially I still had a vague sense of horror, but I could not grasp what they were saying. University? 10th St? Where is that? I was racking my brain, trying to find the mapping files stored there, for I've driven the length of 35W through the Metro area at least a thousand times since I've lived up here, more than 10 years. What bridge? The information wasn't making sense.

And then they had the initial grainy images from the air...and then I understood. Yet I was still anesthetized by my grief, and now this was added to it. I couldn't move away from the TV...I couldn't do anything but watch, amazed, unbelieving, wondering if anyone I knew was involved or had friends there.

One week ago, for work, I'd driven across that bridge en route to a shop in Bloomington. For a long time, that bridge has caused me vague unrest when crossing it. Last Wednesday, especially. I had an odd feeling, a sort of "twinge" that something wasn't right. I remember loooking across towards the west, as I headed southbound on the bridge, noting the low cement rail, looking at the view...and considering the drop to the river. I remember a strange sense of nostalgia that came over me, and I shook it off and continued on. When re-crossing, northbound, the sensation caused me to again look to my right, at the construction workers, and consider their safety as all the cars rushed by on one side, the river on the other. I vaguely wondered what it would be like to work on the bridge.

I had no idea it would be the last time I crossed that bridge. I had no idea the horror that would occurr only one week later.

Thursday, my second to last day at work, we recieved emails from the top describing how claims should be handled with regard to this disaster, compassion being priority. We didn't know enough to be able to describe a process to people, but as I understand it, my co-workers weren't asked about process or what to do. Those who did call were just taking care of business and had other concerns. They knew it was an odd situation and knew that we'd all have to wait before we'd know what to do.

Today was my last day at work. I expected my last day to be joyful, but instead it was busy as I cleaned out my desk, got nothing done on what was left of my files, and basically just tried to clean some things up to make life easier for whoever takes my place. I went out with our special investigations unit, all of whom worked in my unit at one time, and they congratulated me for getting out. All of my co-workers were envious...because they want to leave, too. The truth; not many people really LIKE working in the insurance industry. They do their jobs, they do their best...but it wears on them.

So it was strange today as I was busy...but not so much. My files were reassigned by the end of the day, I shipped a couple off to the new reps, tried to have good to do's in them, apologized for what was not done, and said my goodbyes. I am leaving with both personal and professional references from management and co-workers, and I did decide, when answering the exit interview questions, to allow the company to contact me in the future with any particular openings. I do believe in leaving doors open, even if we think we want them closed. My official answer for leaving is to return to school. "Burnout" was not an option, and there were some good points to my job, and what I've learned here.

I can't believe that I'm now officially unemployed, and am so by choice. I can't believe that I'm going to orientation for Grad school tomorrow, and that in a few weeks, it begins. I can't believe that basically, I'm in a financial free-fall, I've jumped by choice...and I'm not as terrified as I should be.

Because in everything that's happened during this tragic week, and my very trying month, I see God's hand. On my Birthday, on June 20th, I commented that 33 was a bad year for Jesus. Indeed, why should I expect anything different for myself? We are called to follow Him, even unto the death.

So June passed with a preface...and July was the beginning of my year of trial. Fire started limping on July first, and I lost him on July 31st, the Tuesday of my last week of employment. August 1st brought one of the worst disaster in the history of Minnesota...and August 3rd...the end of my gainful employment.

By my choice.

And it all seems surreal. Just surreal.

But God is present, He is everywhere, He is loving, and we have to trust in Him, even when we don't understand the events surrounding us. Even in the midst of unspeakable grief and suffering, we must trust. Even when all is lost...that is only an illusion, for all is contained in God's hands, and he is especially close to those who suffer.

Please continue to pray for those involved with the bridge collapse, victims, survivors, families, and rescuers. Please pray for our government leaders, the specialists, and those who rebuild. Please pray for the Twin Cities; these are trying times.

None of us is immune to disaster; we don't know the day or the hour.

And when life gets surreal...it really just means that you finally understand that you really have no control over anything, and have to give the steering wheel to God...because the only one you have is just a toy.

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse

I went to work today, wondering if any of my co-workers were on the bridge. Wondering about my Manager, but thinking he took a different route home.

As it turned out, he was nearly one of the souls on the bridge; he revealed this morning that he is still in shock. Last night, he was on I-35 W, which, north of the bridge, has been under construction for some time. The bridge itself, which is 8 lanes wide, was down to 1 lane on each side. (One week ago, when I was last on this bridge, it was 2 lanes on each side). So as you can imagine, with a major highway, the main thoroughfare through the Minneapolis downtown area, so crippled, well, traffic was HORRENDOUS, and was literally bumper to bumper for miles, and traffic was just crawling.

There are a few exits approaching the bridge, the last one being the 4th St/University exit, coming from the North. My manager was fed up with traffic, was on the phone with his wife, and, there, about a quarter to 6, he told her that he was going to go around it. She chided him, telling him not to go on one of his "expeditions", but he ignored her, being a typical man and needing to explore and find his own way (see TOB to understand this mentality), and took the 4th St. Exit. He found another bridge and crossed through downtown, then re-entered 35W from the next exit down, a few miles along in South Minneapolis.

By then, the bridge had collapsed.

He is convinced he would have been on the bridge, given the way the traffic was crawling, given the timing of it...and is thrilled to be alive. And sorry, all you women out there...thrilled he didn't listen to his wife.

This is a huge tragedy, and the repurcussions are NOT going to stop with Minneapolis. Already, States everywhere are assessing their bridges.

Many years ago, when I was a child, I was terrified of the bridges with the large metal support structures over them. When I saw them as we approached, it looked like scaffolding to me, and scaffolding meant that something wasn't finished being built, yet.

I don't know from whence my fear came, but whenever we took trips somewhere, invariably we would have to cross one of these bridges. And the surface, the strange sound the tires made on these particular types of bridges, terrified me even further; it was like nails on a chalkboard, to my sensitive disposition. And so when we were approaching this structure, I would scream and scream and scream, certain Dad was driving us into disaster. I literally could not control my screaming; it was terrifying to me, so eventually my family just gave me a pillow to scream into, and I agreed...what did it matter, when we were all going to plunge into the river we were crossing?

And the moment we crossed, my screams stopped, and I was fine. I did this for years, and I can't tell you when it stopped. I even remember, after I had learned how to read, coming across a magazine or newspaper article discussing a bridge collapse. In it, the author discussed how the collapse had affected people in the area, such that, even though they had not been on or near it, when it was rebuilt, or when crossing any other existing bridge, people had to drive them across. They could not do it themselves. They could rationalize, they could look at it and see that it was safe, but they were so terrified they could not cross. So volunteers literally stepped forward and provided the service of driving people across that bridge.

Being that this was one of my fears, the article stuck with me; I realize there were others out there fearful of the bridges, but they had a reason. I was a kid; we'd never suffered a collapse, my fear was based on misunderstanding and misinterpretation, and I did eventually outgrow it.

But yesterday, I was reminded of my fear, and realized it's not always irrational to assume a structure is dangerous and can collapse. The I-35 bridge was not a cable bridge or suspension bridge or a truss bridge, but it collapsed just the same. It was not the type of bridge that terrified me as a child.

But I guarantee you; those who were on the bridge will suffer fears for the rest of their lives. They are changed forever. Those who lost family members in this tragedy will suffer fears for the rest of their lives, and they are really hurting now. Those whose family members are yet to be found, they will perhaps suffer the most, for there is no end in sight for their suffering.

I don't know why I suffered such fear as a child, but I do know that such fear is sometimes appropriate. My heart goes out to all who were there, all who were almost there, and all who have loved ones who have been lost or killed...and I offer my deepest sympathies and my prayers.

Please keep all those who were on the bridge in your prayers, as they deal with the ongoing trauma as a result of this horrible disaster.

35 W Bridge Collapse in Minneapolis

7 Confirmed Dead
60 Injured, with several critical
20 people still missing.

This morning, the recovery operation begins; they do not expect to find any more survivors.

Please pray for all those who were on the bridge, for the souls of those who have been lost, and for all their families.



Thanks to IC for the picture.