Always in Need of Perpetual Help

Today, June 27th, is the Feast of the miraculous icon, Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

The post I wrote about the icon a few years ago remains, throughout the year, one of my most popular posts so you can find it linked on the sidebar any time, or just click here to know everything you ever wanted to know about it. ;-)

As I have a deep devotion to this particular image of our Blessed Mother, and of course, the Passion of Our Lord that it portrays, I find it comforting that this year, I begin my summer reduction in work hours on her Feast day and conclude this "workweek" with the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

For those unfamiliar with the steady ups and downs of my life, during the summer, this being the fourth in a row of this particular hardship, my work hours drop from full time to part time. The first two years it dropped to 10 hours per week. I survived the first year on a good tax return, the 2nd year on the help of friends who paid my mortgage and sent me out East and throughout the midwest to visit a few religious communities, setting the conditions to finally do this: I considered the time to be a blessing and the support...amazing.

Last year I had an increase in hours to 25 hours per week for 6 weeks, so between that and not paying utility bills until I was back full time (playing catch-up), and my tax return, I scraped by.

This year is a different story. While I begin this summer on 25 hours per week, what's left of my already-meager tax return won't help me survive. My undergrad loans were transferred from a company that was helpful to a company that has no soul and in fact, INCREASED the amount they expect me to pay each month. My grad loan company is even MORE heartless and told me they don't have a financial hardship forbearance of any kind. (They're lying through their teeth but if they don't grant it, it's the same thing anyway).

So...this forces my hand. I'm in the process of filling out mortgage relief paperwork and my last attempt to keep my head above water until that can be completed and processed is to contact my mortgage company and see if they will allow me to skip a payment this summer. I'm asking for only one month, which I pray they grant me as I have never been late on a payment.

You see, then, how appropriate is today's Feast, for I do indeed, need perpetual help, both for my spiritual life and my continued financial existence.

The Icon

In honor of the Feast, I plan today to sit down at my own Icon of Our Mother of Perpetual help and finally highlight Jesus' tunic - which I already messed up and have to "re-do" in a sense. Should I complete that, I will begin working on Our Lady's face, at long last.

I have decided, based upon how well the faces come out, to add gold leaf to this image, for if it turns out well, nothing less than gold would be proper for this particular window to heaven - should God give me the grace to ever complete it.

Please pray for me as I continue to write this very large icon, and please pray that somehow, God provides me with some kind of financial relief. While this latter is necessary, the fact is that I am in a better position than so many in our society, for at least I still have a roof over my head, good credit (but for how long before it all crashes?), and a position to bargain with at least a few creditors. There is hope and I keep grasping for it, grateful for the motherly gaze coming to me through Our Mother of Perpetual Help.

Feast Day of Our Mother of Perpetual Help

Originally published June 27, 2007

I'm not sure when I first saw the icon of Our Mother of Perpetual Help (or Our Lady of Perpetual Help). I do know that the first time I saw it, I didn't "get it". I was more into "realism" and I didn't like the "art", I considered it to be bad although I recognized it as a certain genre. It was just as off my radar screen as was impressionist, modernist and abstract.

Then I read a little about icons, on a blog or some other formal publication, and it made me consider the style of icons differently; they are not "realistic" for a reason, for they are asking us to go beyond what is seen and into the unseen. Icons are a window to Heaven, in a sense, asking us to overcome our own earth-bound perceptions and see things more from God's point of view. Icons are an invitation to enter into the Divine, to see beyond what is tactile, and to experience, in prayer, what cannot be described in words. Icons are meant to be meditative, and can actually cause one to enter into the contemplative, should God choose to call such a soul through a given image.

After that small lesson, Our Mother of Perpetual Help continued to appear, first here, then there, and then, while I was working on the lesson I was preparing for RCIA with regard to Sacramentals, I couldn't help but stop and read about OLPH. The description of the symbolism in the icon opened my eyes. Although I skipped forward to find what I needed, I marked the page, and realized that, in a way, I was being called. Our Lady was reaching out to me...for it is clear to me now that I did not choose this icon, this manifestation, if you will, of Our Lady...she chose me.

It is no mistake that this icon came into my own personal sphere as I was learning very deeply about the mystery of the Redemption...for this is what the icon is all about.

Non-Catholics do not understand our reverence for Our Lady, but they DO understand the Redemption, for they, like us, believe they have been saved by the Blood of the Lamb. In this icon, the lamb, the Child Jesus, is being held in his mother's arms. Stop for a moment, and consider this image, note the lines, note the expressions, note the eyes...especially the eyes - of each person.

The Archangel Gabriel (who first appeared to Mary with the invitation from God) holds the Cross and the nails which signified the death of Christ, which were, of course, the instruments leading to the Redemption. The Archangel Michael holds the sword that pierced his side, and the spear holding the sponge that wet his lips as he hung experiencing deep, physical and spiritual thirst those hours upon the cross in abject misery. Jesus as a child in this image, was so stricken by the view of these instruments of torture, these tools of his death, that he ran immediately to his Mother, so quickly that he nearly lost one of his sandals.

Note how the sandal dangles near the bottom of the icon, while the other remains attached. Note how he leans into his mother, against her heart, looking over his shoulder at the cross, seeking protection from the shadow of the cross that falls over him...seeking protection from his Mother.

Mary always points to Jesus

Do you see how the lines in the icon all point to Jesus in Mary's arms? The folds in her own mantle point to him both directly and through a diagonal line. The folds in the gold pants Jesus wears (gold signifying God and the Holy Spirit) point to him. Note that he wears a green tunic with a red sash....green to symbolize healing, red to symbolize martyrdom, the blood to be shed which brought about the healing of the Redemption.

Look at what Our Lady is wearing: blue, for the royalty of her position, chosen by God, the Queen of Heaven, the Queen of the Angels, herself a creation of God, the most perfect creation (for Jesus IS God, human and divine intermixed), but Mary was chosen from eternity, and wears the color of eternity to signify her role all to God's glory. She also wears red beneath her mantle, for, as Simon predicted at the presentation of Jesus at the Temple, she would be pierced by a sword, and indeed she was...the very sword held by the Archangel Michael who gazes at her sympathetically from her right (our left).

The Secret is in the Eyes

No icon can be really understood, however, without understanding the eyes. We have all heard the term that "the eyes are windows to the soul", and it is the eyes in this icon that indeed penetrate our very souls, inviting us to, in turn, penetrate this icon, penetrating the Paschal Mystery. Both of the Angels gaze at Our Lady as she, in turn, although her head is inclined towards her beloved Child, she gazes at US! Within her eyes, within her expression, she invites us inward. She looks at us with the wisdom that comes with understanding, the resignation to the suffering of her Son and herself in accordance with the Father's will, the deep, deep sorrow only a Mother could know, for she, too is tormented by the vision of the Angels, the instruments of her Son's torture and death as she holds Him close to her, knowing what must be, what must happen, in order for humanity to be restored and saved from our sin.

She, in her gaze, asks us all at once to come also into her arms, for we are her children as well, given to her at the foot of the Cross by Jesus himself. "There is your Mother." We are invited, with John, to take her into our homes just as she welcomes us into her arms, all so she can bring us to her Son, bring us to Jesus.

See how her hands point to him, how the fingers of her right hand point towards his face, the fingers of her left hand, cradling him, also point to his face. Her head is inclined towards Jesus, just as are the angels', and the lines from her shoulder for a direct arrow to him.

But look at the center of the picture...look at how Jesus' hands are turned downward into his Mother's upturned palm. God entrusted Himself in his human vulnerability into the hands of this human woman. When Jesus was frightened, he ran to his Mother, just as all of us have done. He ran to her, and as we see his hands turned downward, it is conveying grace...Grace into the hands of Our Lady, Our Mother of Perpetual Help, to dispense the grace according to her motherly wisdom. Jesus could trust her with such a gift...can not we, her children, not follow the example of Jesus and turn to His Mother for our needs?

Through the window that is this Icon, we see the theological truth: even as we give our own concerns and our own fears into her hands, she passes them on to Jesus. She brings us to her Son, she points, always, to the Redemption. She points to her beloved Son, never denying Him or taking attention away, but rather seeking to bring us closer, drawing us in with her motherly instinct all for the purpose of our our salvation through the blood of her beloved Child.

There is so much to this icon...there is so much to this image, such that books can be written. I have only barely touched on the imagery of this icon, and there is so much more to be said, but one of the things that strikes so many people, other than the eyes, is the sandal...the dangling sandal.

Remember how Jesus ran to his mother when overshadowed by the cross, seeking the comfort and protection of her embrace?

Look at the dangling sandal, held only by a single golden thread. Contemplate the sandal...what does it mean? What does it represent? That sandal is not an accident - it has significance. Consider how the eyes of Our Mother look at us directly, inviting us into the icon, inviting us to penetrate further. Asking us to become a part of the icon.

That sandal....



I am the sandal...so are you. Sometimes we are affixed to Jesus, but we, too, become frightened by the shadow of the cross, the same shadow that Jesus asks us to brave, so that we may eventually carry his same cross. It is an invitation into his suffering. The sandal is us, falling away in fright, falling away because the road is too difficult, and we can't hang on anymore.

But that thread holds us to Jesus, to that foot that was crucified, in a position for the blood to fall upon us, drop by drop. Sometimes we hold tightly to Jesus...sometimes we fall away, but he never lets go of us.

See how Jesus ran to his mother, and his sandal almost fell off...but didn't. He brings both his fears and his falling sandal to his mother to fix. Who retied the sandal when he was a child? His mother. She did...she rewound it and re-affixed it, just as she brings us all back to Jesus if we entrust ourselves to her hands, just like Jesus did.

Jesus entrusted the salvation of the world into the "yes" of a human woman, a woman with free will, a woman free to reject the very notion. But Mary said "yes", and she suffered the burden with Christ....a burden only a Mother can truly understand.

Jesus, before death, entrusted his mother into the care of the Apostle John, declaring, "There is your Mother. There is your son." Had he had siblings, this would have been a terrible insult to them, but Jesus provided for his Mother, the woman who had always provided for him. He entrusted us all, while on earth, into her hands as well. Accept her own personal invitation. Look into her eyes, place your hands in hers, and leap into her arms when you are in need of comfort. Just as she held Jesus, so she holds us all, and offers us all to her Son, all to lead us to the salvation He provides for us through his very blood.

Our Mother of Perpetual Help... pray for us!

Cross and Sorrow

I have a huge devotion to Our Mother of Perpetual Help, and am also developing a deep devotion, consistent with the Passionist spirituality, of devotion to Our Lady of Sorrows, whose memorial we celebrate today.

Recently in my Mariology class, the connection was made for me between OLPH and Our Lady of Sorrows. One of the two possible Gospel readings today spoke of the prophecy at the presentation of Christ at the Temple, where Simeon praised God even as he revealed to the Mother of God that her own heart would be pierced.

When we look upon an icon, any icon, we are drawn in to the mystery through the eyes of those portrayed. Our Lady of Perpetual Help portrays the Mystery of our Redemption as she holds the child Jesus, who sought comfort in her arms as the shadow of the Cross and the implements of his crucifixion and torture fell over him. The very point that pierced the side of Christ was the very same as that which pierced her own heart. She is revealed both in the cited gospel

and the other for today, her presence at the Cross, as the Mother of Sorrows.

She invites us into that sorrow, for she is our mother and knows that without sorrow, without suffering, there can be no redemption. We are invited to penetrate the Mystery of our salvation by becoming a willing part of it.

So you see, it is no surprise that the Memorial of Our Mother of Sorrows follows upon the Feast of the Exultation of the Cross.

Although so many want to look at the Crucifixion of Christ as a one-time event (which it was), they ignore the second part of the teaching on the Cross; that we are called to it as well. We cannot experience the exultation without the experience of sorrow, for Christ Himself was a man of sorrows. Consider His Agony in the Garden; His sorrow in recognizing the need for our redemption was so great that it was not His Passion that caused Him to sweat blood, but the reality of sin in the world. It was that reality that made His Passion and Death necessary, and even as He meditated upon the sin of the past and future from that point....Jesus said yes.

But Our Lady had to say Yes before Jesus could in His humanity. It is said that "All of heavenand earth held their breath" awaiting her fiat to the Angel Gabriel. Our Blessed Mother greatly pondered the greeting of the angel, and in her humility bowed her head and said, "I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be done to me according to Thy Word." And the Word was made flesh, the living Torah, as the Holy Spirit overshadowed Mary just as God had once overshadowed Mt. Sinai, the tents of the Hebrews in the desert, and the Ark of the Covenant, and the Holy of Holies. He overshadowed her and she conceived, saying "Yes" not just to that moment, but to every moment.

Mary didn't just say "yes" to bearing the Messiah, but to everything that came with that. When we gaze upon icons portraying our Redemption, we realize that she said yes to that, to sharing Our Lord's suffering, and that of the entire Church. We see her ongoing fiat as, in the Gospel of John, she remained at the foot of the Cross when all but the Apostle John had long run away. She remained, keeping vigil in her great sorrow, trusting in the Triumph of her Son

...for she knew who He was.

Mary is the woman of Revelation 12, whose offspring (Jesus) was taken up to heaven as she fled into the desert, and the dragon (Satan), angry, went off to make war on her offspring. It is we, the Church, who are her offspring. That day, at the foot of the Cross, Jesus gave her to John, who Himself stood in for Christ, and Mary, for the Church. At Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit overshadowed she and the Apostles together, the day we celebrate as the birthday of the Church, we see her expanded maternity.

Mary is the woman of Genesis , John and Revelation who is in travail; not at the birth of Christ, but at the foot of the Cross and forever after that. Her greatest suffering comes not from a single point of agony, but from the reality of sin in the lives of her children, we, the adopted sons and daughters of God. She is in travail because we run from the Cross, and she calls us back, pointing to Christ, pointing to the Cross, for our redemption is there.

We cannot run from that shadow, for no matter how far we go, we cannot escape suffering. It is only through understanding the suffering and triumph of the Cross that we can give definition to our own sorrows. It is the Cross that brings us through everything that comes our way, and there, in union with Christ, it is overcome.

Psalm 57 reveals this truth:

Have mercy on me, O Lord, have mercy.

Under the shadow of your wings

I will take refuge

Until the storms of destruction pass by

We must be willing to flee to the shadow of His wings and embrace the Cross, letting it change us. Let the Cross be our guide, recognize the suffering of Our Lord that brings us through that terrible Cross and into His Glory.

Look at Our Mother of Sorrows, perhaps in the comforting light of Our Mother of Perpetual Help. She gazes at us, pointing to Christ, but inviting us into the mystery, her own sorrow exposed. She invites us to join her Son, to feel the cold shadow of the Cross and know that it is our destiny as well, if we would only stop running away.

Will we let our own hearts be pierced, or will we continue to flee, to fight the suffering that in the end, if we embrace it, conforms us to Christ Himself?

If we aren't willing to live the Cross, we will never find our way to eternal life.

Lord, by Your cross and resurrection, you have set us free. You are the Savior of the world.

Our Mother of Sorrows....pray for us!

Our Mother of Perpetual Help Rosary

A few days ago I was contacted by the Redemptorists, who are offering a new Rosary CD. Most of you know of my devotion to Our Mother of Perpetual Help...after all, her icon graces my sidebar! And if you could see my house, and my office - well, she's come into my life via several avenues. I'm thrilled to be called upon to assist in what I see as Our Mother's work.

While the focus of my blog is not commercial, at the same time, any of us can recognize worthy causes and the need to be a voice in the wilderness often means promoting other voices much stronger and more effective than our own. Such as the Rosary. After all...who has a problem with praying the Gospels? And this CD is a special treat. Read it in the Redemptorists' own words:

First Rosary CD to Feature the Music of a Saint

First time St. Alphonsus Liguori’s music will be heard

CD to be dedicated to Our Mother of Perpetual Help


DENVER, CO...November 1, 2007...The first Rosary CD to feature the music of a saint will be released in November by the Redemptorists of the Denver Province. Titled, “Praying the Rosary with St. Alphonsus Maria Liguori,” the 2-CD set will be dedicated to Our Mother of Perpetual Help, the name by which Redemptorists “make her known throughout the world,” as stipulated by Pope Pius IX in 1866.

A percentage of the proceeds will be used to fund the work of our Redemptorist missions in Brazil and Nigeria.

Original music composed by St. Alphonsus Liguori (1696-1787), founder of the Redemptorists, will be played during the reading of the Rosary and the twenty meditations, also by St. Alphonsus. A majority of the meditations are taken from his great spiritual masterpiece, The Glories of Mary. It will be the first time the music of St. Alphonsus will be heard by a mass audience and certainly the first time in English.

Rev. Peter Schavitz, C.Ss.R. will lead the listeners in the Rosary.

Produced and arranged by Little Lamb Music, St. Alphonsus’ words and hymns will be performed and sung by members of the Los Angeles Philharmonic, the Los Angeles Master Chorale and the Padre Serra Children's Choir. One of the selections includes his famous Christmas carol, Tu Scendi Dalle Stelle, which is performed every Christmas Eve as part of the Midnight Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome, Italy.

Ray and Theresa Herrmann, co-founders of Little Lamb Music, produce and arrange Catholic music for families and their young children. Ray and Theresa have dedicated their company, their family and their lives to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Ray is one of the finest instrumentalists working in the music business today. He has played with and arranged music for the likes of Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder, Johnny Mathis, Herbie Hancock, Chicago, and George Benson.

The release of the Rosary CD coincides with the 275th anniversary on November 9th of the Redemptorist Congregation, founded by St. Alphonsus Liguori in 1732 in the hill country of Scala, Italy, overlooking the Amalfi coast.

The 2-CD set will retail for $17.95 through Little Lamb Music. To order the Rosary CD, go to its website at littlelambmusic.com or call 1-800-231-1207 or 1-805-492-5302.

Novena Prayers to our Mother of Perpetual Help

For many, the novena begins tomorrow. However, in the Redemptorist tradition, it begins today. These are three traditional novena prayers to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, found at Vultus Christi. I don't know if the Litany is part of the Novena itself, but I recommend it just the same!



Novena Prayers to Our Mother of Perpetual Help

First Prayer

Behold at thy feet, O Mother of Perpetual Help, a wretched sinner who has recourse to thee and confides in thee. O Mother of mercy, have pity on me. I hear thee called by all the refuge and the hope of sinners: be then, my refuge and my hope. Assist me, for the love of Jesus Christ; stretch forth thy hand to a miserable fallen creature who recommends himself to thee, and who devotes himself to thy service for ever. I bless and thank Almighty God, who in His mercy has given me this confidence in thee, which I hold to be a pledge of my eternal salvation. It is true that in the past I have miserably fallen into sin, because I had not recourse to thee. I know that, with thy help, I shall conquer. I know too, that thou wilt assist me, if I recommend myself to thee; but I fear that, in time of danger, I may neglect to call on thee, and thus lose my soul. This grace, then, I ask of thee, and this I beg, with all the fervor of my soul, that in all the attacks of hell I may ever have recourse to thee. O Mary, help me. O Mother of Perpetual Help, never suffer me to lose my God.

Three Hail Marys.

Second Prayer

O Mother of Perpetual Help, grant that I may ever invoke thy most powerful name, which is the safeguard of the living and the salvation of the dying. O purest Mary, O sweetest Mary, let thy name henceforth be ever on my lips. Delay not, O Blessed Lady, to help me, whenever I call on thee; for, in all my temptations, in all my needs, I shall never cease to call on thee, ever repeating thy sacred name, Mary, Mary. O what consolation, what sweetness, what confidence, what emotion, fill my soul when I utter thy sacred name, or even only think of thee. I thank the Lord for having given thee, for my good so sweet, so powerful, so lovely a name. But I will not be content with merely uttering thy name. Let my love for thee prompt me ever to hail thee, Mother of Perpetual Help.

Three Hail Marys.

Third Prayer

O Mother of Perpetual Help, thou art the dispenser of all the gifts which God grants to us miserable sinners; and for this end He has made thee so powerful, so rich, and so bountiful, in order that thou mayest help us in our misery. Thou art the advocate of the most wretched and abandoned sinners who have recourse to thee: come to my aid, for I recommend myself to thee. In thy hands I place my eternal salvation, and to thee I entrust my soul. Count me among thy most devoted servants; take me under thy protection, and it is enough for me. For, if thou protect me, I fear nothing; not from my sins, because thou wilt obtain for me the pardon of them; nor from the devils, because thou art more powerful than all hell together; nor even from Jesus, my judge, because by one prayer from thee He will be appeased. But one thing I fear: that in the hour of temptation I may through negligence fail to have recourse to thee and thus perish miserably. Obtain for me, therefore, the pardon of my sins, love for Jesus, final perseverance, and the grace ever to have recourse to thee, O Mother of Perpetual Help.

Three Hail Marys.


Invocations to Our Lady

O Mother of Perpetual Help, thou whose very name inspires confidence.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may be victorious in the trying time of temptation.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may quickly rise again should I have the misfortune to fall into sin.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may break asunder any bonds of Satan in which I may have become entangled.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
Against the seductions of the world, the flesh, and the devil.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may return to my former fervour should I ever become lukewarm.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may approach the Sacrament of Penance with a heart pierced by sorrow for my sins.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may receive and adore the Most Holy Eucharist with love, thanksgiving, and awe.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
[Priests: That I may live my holy priesthood in intimate union with thy Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, Victim and Priest.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.]
Against my own inconstancy.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
Against my own infidelity.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
In the spiritual battle against my vices and sins.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
When the powers of darkness threaten me.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may persevere to the end in faith, hope and charity.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may never despair of the Mercy of God.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may ever love thee and serve thee and invoke thine assistance.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may make thy Perpetual Help known to others.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
That I may invite others to pray to thee and to venerate thy sacred image.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.
At the hour of my death.
R. Help me, O loving Mother.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help and Evangelization

Last night a friend gave me a wonderful gift; a copy of the icon of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, purchased in Rome, and blessed by the Holy Father.

I am floored by this gift and although she likely considers it to be quite casual and not really a big deal, this gift means a great deal to me, for many reasons.

Today I set out to purchase a simple frame, thinking to just do something quick to preserve it from inadvertant damage, and then shop for the right frame at a later date. But another friend today encouraged me to at least get it matted, and then the framing will be simpler later. Agreed.

So I went to a nearby Michael's, glanced through a few matts, and realized assistance was needed. The man who assisted me commented he really liked the colors in the icon and helped me to select a few options, then recommended a double matt, which really helps to set off the image. Several worked, but I decided on blue over brushed gold, and a frame which is simple yet decorative, somewhat of a bronze color.

While we were choosing the colors and the frame, we discussed art, and I explained the history of OLPH, just briefly, the legend of her origins, and the meaning of the icon. I pointed out several things, such as how all the lines point to Jesus, how Our Lady points to Him, and about how this icon is all about the mystery of the Redemption. I pointed out some other symbols as well, and explained, in answer to some of his questions, what little I know of iconography and that it doesn't just involve images of Mary and Jesus, but Biblical depictions, Apostles, and Saints.

He was very clearly interested and I saw that he was "seeing" the icon by the end of our conversation, not just as a casual piece of art, but something that means something. He thanked me for the art lesson. :-)

As this is a blessed image, it is a sacramental, so I had determined to correctly seat and frame it permanently, so paid the money to do so today. I shouldn't have spent the money, but who knows? Perhaps one day this image will become a gift to someone else, just as it was a gift to me. Sometimes even when it costs us, it is the right thing to do to take our treasure and treat it properly so that someone else may benefit even more down the road.

So even as we conversed about the framing options, pricing, and all the details, I offered prayers that the blessing on this icon at the Holy Father's hands would carry on to this man. For those unfamiliar with our Catholic understanding of blessed objects, the wording in the blessing pronounced by the priest (or in this case, the Pope) has to do not so much with the object, but that all those who use it or gaze upon it be blessed and drawn in closer to what that image is about; Redemption. I do not know anything about this man, only that he indicated somewhat hesitantly that he is a Christian. My prayer to OLPH was that she would reach out to him and draw him inward, so I took special care to point out her eyes, and how the eyes of the icon really draw us into it, invite us into the mystery portrayed, like a window.

I had mentioned that St. Alphonsus has a shrine to OLPH, and he expressed surprise. Apparently he is familiar with the church, so I explained where the shrine can be found.

Based on the conversation we had today, it sounds like OLPH has drawn another soul closer to her so that she can lead him even closer to her Son.

I never realized the simple task of paying to have an icon framed could also become an act of evangelization. May the man and any others who looked upon this icon today be abundantly blessed and consoled by the love of God.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Pray for us!

Of Toddlers, Temper Tantrums, and Timely Blessings

I think Father V. at Adam's Ale is rubbing off on me. He's fond of alliteration, and now here I go, copying his style.

Anyway, this is a long post alert. None of you should be surprised. You KNOW I can't keep my mouth shut!

Of Toddler and Temper Tantrums

Sometimes I think I paint a picture of myself on this blog that is not entirely accurate. Sometimes I get the impression that some readers think of me as some kind of "spiritual giant." As my previous post and some others like it should prove, I am nothing of the sort.

Today as I locked my computer, logged off my phone, and headed out the door, I considered some of the recent events of my life and the posts I've read recently by other bloggers, most notably Terry at Abbey Roads2 and Happy Catholic.

I have been struggling in my work for at least 3 years now. I've been there for almost five. My first year was very hard, but I had a goal, so it made the work bearable, but I couldn't lie to myself or anyone else...I hated it. Then I got promoted to my current position, and for about a year, I actually loved my job...mostly. Then things changed, and the company has gone downhill, the job has changed, and what I loved about it before no longer exists....that, and I've grown as a human being. I am not in the same spiritual place and those things I loved...well, let's just say that they are not things that are compatible with growing in virtue. Not for me, anyway. Perhaps others could handle the work and the focus of it without being so affected, but I am not one of those people. You all see how emotional I am; I wear my heart on my sleeve. My temperment is not compatible with my situation. Thus suffering ensues.

Yes, suffering is redemptive, and I've gone through phases...sometimes I'm able to accept my lot and trudge along, sometimes I'm barely keeping my rebellion at bay...and sometimes, the rebel in me is let loose in full fury and chaos reigns.

I am nothing but a spiritual toddler, kicking and screaming in my own little spiritual and emotional temper tantrums, telling God, "I will not serve!" even as I return to my work each day, grumbling, yet trying to hard, still telling God, "I am not going to do this!." And even as my words convey my feelings, my actions must be obedient, and God knows this, and tolerates my insolence. He knows I have no choice, and he knows this because he placed me in this very spot.

Today as I left, I considered one of my patrons, John Paul II. He helped me with my class spring semester this year, and has greatly opened my eyes to many theological matters. I've found him easy to talk to, and in doing so, he has lead me to answers.

Today, as I conversed in my prayer to this uncanonized saint, he reminded me of the posts I read, and asked me to consider what they told me. They are a mirror of myself and my reactions to things. They reflect what I do not want to see...that being my rebellion and my tantrums. I know that things happen on God's time, and I am reacting out of not necessarily frustration with God, but my own frustration with myself. I try to rely on myself far too much and end up leaving God out of the equation. I haven't found the balance of God's grace, my acceptance of it, and the actions I'm supposed to take versus the actions I want to take and my demands to God to fulfill what I want.

I say oh-so-piously, "Thy will be done," but what I reallly mean is "MY will be done."

God definitely knows our hearts, and even if we talk ourselves into saying we want God's will to be done, in reality, we are still praying to ourselves out of our own self-love, and God will certainly answer that prayer by allowing us to wallow in our own self-deceptive ways. It's the only way we can learn, and it's far more effective than a slap on the folded hands.

We inflict our own punishments. God doesn't have to do a thing. He just sits back and loves us enough to let us learn from our trials, most of which we cause for ourselves.

Then we kick and scream, we make demands, and finally God speaks up and asks, "Just WHO are you praying to?"

And then, maybe then, we stop long enough to listen to what he has to say, because that question is shocking in its simplicty.

Today, I realized that all my prayers are constantly being answered, even before I pray. In the context of my job, a few years ago God, seeing what was coming for he created me, drew me very close to him. I was attending Daily Mass and my work schedule allowed it. I was skipping lunch and going to adoration at a nearby chapel. I didn't realize it, but this was actually a fast. I once went almost two weeks without eating lunch, and I didn't care about the hunger, for the greater hunger was being met....my relationship with Our Savior.

Then it hit...bad management, friction with a certain key co-worker, realization that I had no future in my position, an impossible workload....and a possible call to religious life.

He saw my need and answered it, giving me strength to persevere when otherwise I would have run away. I was falsely accused, but the accusation and closed-door meeting happened upon my return from lunch Adoration, and I kept my eyes on the crucified Lord, as directed interiorly to do.

The suffering has continued...I have not found an escape.


TIMELY BLESSINGS

The Saints choose us...I'm convinced of that.

During my struggles, I was also making my entrance into the Church, and it was a long painful year, for even as I returned, I knew God was calling me to more, and I was so torn between the world and the spiritual life. Even as I suffered in the temporal realm, there was great joy in the spiritual, even as I suffered there as well.

One day I was in the back of the chapel, having an arrangement to wait until the end of the line to go to Confession with Father. I could not control my tears, I was struggling with so many things, and the waiting was unbearable. I sat, crying silently, looking at Jesus. I was near the statue of St. Therese the Little Flower; I've always had a devotion to her, even if marginal. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman wearing a black chapel veil standing next to me. She nudged me gently and held a little homemade booklet out to me. Stooping slightly, whispering, she said to me, "I brought this here tonight for someone who wanted it, but that person is not here. I think I'm supposed to give it to you."

That little booklet was a series of prayers and novenas to St. Therese the Little Flower. That same year, shortly after, I said a brief novena to her, and in October, a flower bush outside my door burst into bloom, 3 flowers only. My other bush, nothing. Some of my neighbors have the same bushes, the same light exposure...no blooms anywhere else.

Then God sent me St. Francis de Sales, and his words of wisdom headed off some other crises. Next was Fr. Walter Ciszek, a Jesuit priest who spent 23 years imprisoned in Stalin's labor camps in Siberia, falsely accused. The parallels with my situation are undeniable, spiritually speaking, and given the hardship of his everyday life, his story gives me strength when facing my own problems.

God is upping the ante on me yet again, and I'm noticing the pattern...whenever he invites me deeper, to take on more in service to Him, the temporal issues become greater and more intense. The job is usually at the forefront of this type of suffering.

Yet, I am not alone. He sends in the troops. He sends me to His Mother.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help has become my perpetual help. I have quite literally felt my hands in hers, I have recieved affirmations of her intercession, and now, the Saints are coming out of the woodwork.

St. Rita (two people, in two days, brought her to me), St. Anthony (today is his feast day), Walter Ciszek, reminding me of his aid to me every day in my work, John Paul II, with his apostolic guidance with a personal touch...and so many others!

There is another Saint especially dear to my heart, for his was a household name for us. Our family prayed to him before he was ever canonized; Padre Pio. He was a friend of my great uncle, who met him during the war. I still have a letter from that uncle (the one who wanted me to be a teacher and offered to pay for my education), indicating that he added my brother and I to Padre Pio's spiritual family long ago.

Padre Pio is so close to us that I have a hard time referring to him as "Saint Pio", because, to me, he will always be "Padre", the grumpy "uncle" bearing the wounds of Christ. I'm certain it's this grumpy "uncle" who brought me back home, and I KNOW that he's the one who brought me back to Confession.

Yet for me, he remains on the outskirts of my spiritual awareness. I pray to him for his intercession, but more often, he doesn't answer those prayers directly, but instead places me in a position to bring his intercession to someone else. He has used me to bring signs of confirmation for prayers heard, he has used me to cousel others, he has used me to make connections on behalf of others. I didn't know of the connections until they happened and the other party revealed them to me.

Yet he terrifies me; my impression of him is of his grumpiness, although I know he was exceedingly kind, and wise, and holy. I have a sense that he is impatient with me, and well he should be...for I am a spiritual toddler when he has desired I be "raised" to be more like Christ. I fall short through my own fault, in spite of every grace given to me. How he must have sighed in impatience at yesterday's post!

But the Lord is faithful, and even in our imperfections, our spiritual childhood, he stays his hand and bears us up one more time.

I am such a mess of a human being...I am so often a bumbling idiot, and I am so grateful for the Lord's patience and the presence of our Holy Mother.


Yes, I am suffering, I hate my job, and that will continue. God has not seen fit to move me, and God seems to be very forgiving of my temper tantrums. He has sent me to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, He has sent me Saints, he has sent me angels, he has sent me people on earth.

My friends, I have no right to complain about anything; I have all the blessings available, and yet, I know I will continue to suffer in misery because that is our plight on earth.

We all suffer, but even in suffering, we have to recognize the blessings, because, it seems, the blessings are more obvious and abundant when we are in the throes of abject misery.

Our God is a God of mercy and paradox; and thus in true form, I must admit I am praying for more mercy and less paradox. Because, spiritual toddler that I am, I know I should be praying for God's will, but I'm going to be honest with you all...I'm praying for my will, and I need help in overcoming such a prayer.

And that's all I have to say about that. You can wake up and go home now. Come back and visit again sometime, especially if you need a nap.

The Situation Groweth Dire

I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I can NOT do this job anymore. I can't go into it, but I'm having moral issues with my work, and I can't get out of this industry soon enough.

We're in our busy season and we're supposed to be in robot-mode. I don't have a robot-mode. Someone forgot to tell the Company that they hired human beings. My entire team is ready to walk off the job. We love our Manager, and if it were not for him, we'd all be gone. But we can't remain miserable just because we happen to like our leader.

Today is Day 9 of my Novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I know that she has been interceeding for me, for I have experienced much grace of late, very directly connected to her. One of my intentions was with regard to school, and there may be an answer for that soon..maybe not, but I have an appointment with a person of note, and I have a sense that this meeting won't just be about school, but about deeper topics as well. I will say no more about that.

But the job...another of my own intentions. The job has no end in sight, although I'm closer than ever to simply picking up my things and walking out the door, never to return. The only reason I haven't done that is because I'm just wise enough not to. But I had to literally hold on to my desk today to prevent my sudden flight.

My stomach is in knots, and every time I see something around me which is related to my job (which is quite often as I can't avoid these objects), my stomach turns and I'm nearly overwhelmed with despair. And I'm barely holding despair at bay...I just can't keep this up. I am losing this battle, and I have nowhere to go.

I am clinging with all my might to the hand of Our Lady, because I know that even if I falter and let go of her...she will never let go of me.

Ok, now I'm crying and I have to not do that because I have a meeting tonight at the church.

Does anyone out there have use for a Catholic in need of good, moral, useful employment? My resume is ready to go!

Shrine of Our Lady of Perpetual Help

I have cultivated a devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help (or has it been cultivated in me by Our Lady herself?), and today, I made a mini-pilgrimage to a local shrine. I brought many intentions with me, including those of fellow bloggers, so I pray you all receive the blessings and consolations requested through Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

Many of you are likely unfamiliar with this icon, and truly, the icon itself deserves a post of its own, as so much is written into every line, every color, every diagonal and expression. For now, though, simply gaze at this image and allow it to enter your soul, become familiar with it, thus when I post further information about the symbolism, you will have a greater understanding.

The original iconographer is unknown; by legend dating from the 16th Century, it was found in Crete by a merchant who took the icon but gave it away on his deathbed to a Roman friend. Years later Our Lady appeared to his daughter, identifying herself as "Holy Mary of Perpetual Help", indicating that the icon should be placed in the Church of St. Matthew the Apostle.

I will not go into depth as to the other history of the icon, other than to say that, according to "Our Lady of Perpetual Help, the Icon, Favors and Shrines," in 1865, Redemptorist Superior General, Father Nicholas Mauron, petetioned Pope Pius IX to grant the icon to them to be placed in the new Church of the Holy Redeemer, in their care. He granted this request, directing them in his own handwriting, to "Make her known throughout the world!" (p. 14)

At that time in history, the Redemptorists were set spread to all corners of the globe, thus the Pope's directive, and to this day, the image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help remains their responsibility. The icon and devotions have indeed been spread throughout the world as that mission was successfully carried out by the Redemptorists.

A friend recently revealed to me that at her parish, St. Alphonsus in Brooklyn Park, MN, as they are a Redemptorist parish, they have a shrine to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Before she said something, I'd had no idea. St. Alphonsus is only about 15 minutes away from me, maybe less, as I attend a parish in a neighboring city. I wondered why I didn't know a shrine was so close by?

I went online and found the parish's website, but no mention of the shrine. No mention of devotion to OLPH except for a Tuesday morning devotion after Mass. Her icon is in the upper left corner of the web pages, but other than that, it's a bland site with everyday information on the parish itself, what one would expect of an average parish website. Yesterday I called the parish, KNOWING I had to go there to visit the shrine. They explained that the icon is in the main church, which is apparently locked after the Masses. She explained that there is access through the parish office at other times, however. I thanked her and made plans to visit during a time in which I could enter quietly without having to go through the parish office.

I was looking for an unobtrusive visit to Our Lady of Perpetual Help; I did not want to announce my presence to anyone but God and of course anyone else who might be present and have the same desire for quiet, prayerful solitude in contemplation of this image.

This morning I got up earlier than I'd prefer and arrived at St. Alphonsus during the post-Mass rosary. There was only about seven people present, which was surprising to me as my own parish typically has droves of people remaining after daily and Saturday morning Masses to pray the rosary. As I've stated before, I struggle with the rosary, I don't like saying it with a group as I get more distracted than ever when attempting to do so, and so I thanked God for this small group's devotion.

St. Alphonsus is a very modern-styled church, modeled after a thrust-stage theater, an all-too-common design these days. The tabernacle is front and center on the altar, I realized, and did have a red candle lit, which I had not initially seen.

Although the church is quite ugly in appearance, (I'm not a fan of modern church architecture - it emphasizes the people and de-emphasizes God) it does have a few spots of great beauty, that being an alcove housing the baptismal font, a large suspended crucifix, a prie-dieu with an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and another prie-dieu with an image of Divine Mercy. Off to the far right side of the sanctuary is the icon of Our Lady of Perpetual help, surrounded by large vigil candles in blue and red, flowers, and about five prie-dieus in a half-circle around it.

I quietly walked around the small rosary group, again thanking God for their devotion, and knelt in front of the image. I actually saw a few things today I had not previously seen in the icon, and something else, too, in her expression.

Look at the icon: see the eyes, see the expression. At first the expression may seem bland, as it did to me when I first saw this image. Yet the more I look at it, the more I see in the total context and theological truth of it. I've been struck again and again at the communication in her eyes; they are wise, consoling, sorrowful, resigned, loving, tranquil...all that, at once. I have this icon on my wall at home and gaze upon it and pass by it frequently. I have actually seen reproach in her eyes!

But today, as I knelt there before her, she seemed to be smiling, her eyes had a loving gaze, if sorrowful and wise and consoling, but there was a joy I had not noticed before. I had not seen the "smile" before this and I was actually surprised.

I did not light a candle today, but I will be back with one. I looked around for a box for donations, for candles to light, and it seems that one either needs to request a candle from the parish office or bring one's own. As these are large novena candles, I can understand why they are not immediately available as they are far more costly than small vigil lights, not something to have on the "honor system". In the prie-dieu there is an alcove with a couple fliers; one is a little prayer card to Our Lady for vocations to the Redemptorists, and another is a prayer to Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

I would have thought that the shrine would also have something like a brochure or a sign explaining the history and devotion to Our Lady through this icon, but there was nothing. Finally I did find a small placque behind the candles, and as the candle holders are fixed in place, I was not able to read what it said. It seemed to indicate that candles were available in the parish office, but it seemed there was more on the sign that could not be read. I did observe a sign pointing to the parish office, but as I was in a pensive mood, I chose not to visit the office today. Perhaps next time, or I would bring my own candle to light.

I would encourage local Catholics to visit this shrine and do your own part to help renew devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. In my opinion and through what I saw today, St. Alphonsus is not doing enough; they are not fulfilling their directive to make her known. Yes, they have placed the icon in a shrine in the church, but that's not "making her known" ~ not outside the parish, anyway. Had my friend not told me about the presence of this shrine, I would not have known about it. I spoke to a priest I know today, and he didn't know about it, either. I'm sure if I polled many faithful Catholics, they wouldn't have any idea.

The website at St. Alphonsus has an email for comments and suggestions, so I will be writing to suggest they do a better job of promoting devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Her feast day is June 27, and according to the bulletin, St. Alphonsus will be doing something special on that day.

If you are local, consider making your own pilgrimage to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, bring a large novena candle insert (they can be purchased at Catholic stores and gift shops or buy one at St. Alphonsus, and bring your intentions. This is a miraculous image, and has been so throughout history. Perhaps contained between her hands and the hands of the child Jesus, your own miracle is hidden, waiting only for your presence and your heartfelt request.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Pray for us!



Source for posted info:

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, The Icon, Favors, and Shrines, prepared by a team of Redemptorist Missionaries in Rome, Ligouri Publications, 2002.

For more information:

www.cssr.com

Motherhood of Mary

I grew up in a very chaotic home; my parents were divorced when I was eight and a short time later, Mom was diagnosed as a "Manic-Depressive" (Currently known as "Bipolar Disorder"). I will not go into detail as to what my brother and I suffered during those years forward...suffice to say that I still have a difficult relationship with my mother and I still find it hard to trust in her or anyone else.

I want you to understand, however, that my mother is a Saint. Even through her disease, while she fought the extremes to which she was taken, she never let go of Our Lady's hand. It drove me crazy; I saw her as a fanatic especially when she constantly thrust reading material with regard to the Blessed Mother under my nose and demanded that I read it RIGHT NOW! I rarely read any of it, and in fact, I pulled away from any devotion to the Mother of God just because it was "Mom's thing", and as we all knew, Mom was nuts.

Yeah, Mom was mentally ill...but she could see clearly enough to know who would see us all through. It wasn't Mom so much as Our Lady that kept my brother and I from going off the deep end ourselves, although we had plenty of opportunities. I am certain, in looking back, that Mom asked the Blessed Mother to take over, to watch over us because she could not, and to somehow provide the protection we so desperately needed in a world that would never have our best interests at heart.

Yes, I fell away from the Church, I got into all sorts of things I should not have gotten into, and when I finally came home, I know it was because of the prayers of my Mother. While I am most certainly an emotional person, my conversion was intellectual as I sought to have my questions answered, and as, in the background, Mom prayed even though she knew nothing of my life. Even as she underwent her myriad of trials, she prayed for us, and her prayers did not go unanswered.

As I came Home to the faith, I did not have a relationship with Our Lady. I always remembered the devotion from my youth, however. Mom had taught us to pray the rosary, and we hated it, but it was part of our life, especially when storms hit. I learned from Mom to flee to Our Lady when there was trouble, and to ask for her assistance and her sheltering arms. In particular, I remember one storm durng which I sat on the step as Mom rushed around closing the windows and herding us into the closet in the face of the tornado warnings and raging winds and lightning. I had taken out a rosary and even though my brother laughed at me, I prayed Hail Marys with all my heart and soul, and I am convinced to this very day that all of Heaven responded to protect us during that storm.

Yet when I came back to the Church, I did not know Mary, and I did not understand all the devotions to her, although I accepted them because they have always been a part of my life and the life of my Mother.

Slowly, this has been changing, little by little. I knew I needed her presence in my home, so when my last Grandmother died, I took the small portion of the estate I was given and I bought a statue of Our Lady, a Renaissance Madonna with the most tender of expressions, pulling her veil around the infant Jesus resting in the crook of her left arm. Ever since this statue entered my home, my devotion to her has grown, and I have begun saying the rosary nearly every day.

Slowly, I have been approaching her for intercession, begging for her assistance, and coming to a theological understanding as to who she is, amazement at her creation, and wonder at her maternity of us all.

Of late, I have fallen in love with her icon, the image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I don't know what it is about this particular image, but she draws me in so intimately; and through this, there has been an even deeper union with Jesus, especially as the child in her arms.

Ever since I bought my house a few years ago, I have been seeking an image of the Immaculate Heart of Mary to match the Sacred Heart of Jesus hanging near the crucifix in my livingroom, but I've had no luck. The image I grew up with is nowhere to be found. To date, I still have a bare spot on the wall dedicated to a picture I don't have.

I have also begun seeking an icon for my wall, more recently, of Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I found a votive dedicated to her and it has been constantly lit when I am home. I don't know why, but this is the image that most appeals to me at this time in my life, and she has drawn me deeper into the mystery of the redemption, as well as the mystery of her maternal love for all of us.

Today, Mother's Day, I went into my parish's gift shop before Mass to purchase some votive inserts, and something told me to "look around." I resisted; for fear I would buy something I don't need right now and can't afford. So I remained focused, even as that little feeling told me to "glance around the store."

Just as my candles were rung up, I happened to lift my eyes to the back wall...to see an image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, the ONLY one I've been able to find since I first fell in love with the icon from an online image.

I asked about the cost...not nearly as dear as a more authentic copy of the icon, which I'd never be able to afford. I wasn't in love with the gold frame, but it was passable. I started to walk away, but couldn't. Her eyes would not let me go, and I realized this particular image was in place for me.

I bought the picture, and happened to run into a priest just as I left the store and headed to Mass. I didn't even have to seek him out to bless the icon.

Now the oddest thing is happening...I experimented with a couple places, but in my home, this picture has only ONE place, and it is as though this section of wall was MADE for her icon. And I can't expalin it, but ever since I hung it there, my home has taken on a sense of her maternal presence and protection that I did not discern prior to this, in spite of other images and statues placed in various rooms.

Do not ever fear to go to Our Lady for her intercession....at the foot of the Cross, Jesus instituted her maternity over us all. She is truly our mother. She truly answers our prayers and in doing so, she leads us ever closer to Jesus, always pointing to him through every action.

I still have a long ways to go in my relationship with my earthly mother, but it seems Our Lady is reaching out to me and today, gave me a gift I did not expect. I am not a mother, only a daughter, but it seems our heavenly mother is not adverse to reminding her children that she is present and ready to assist us with our earthly needs.

Maybe someone reading this has the same difficulty as I in understanding motherhood; go to the Blessed Mother. Let yourself be absorbed into this icon, each and every line, each and every color, and ask her for help. She will never disappoint you.

The Shadow and the Glory of the Cross

I have been limping this road to Calvary for a very long time, even before I knew that this was the road I travelled. And today, even as I saw the Glory, I felt the cold shadow of the Cross fall upon me.

I had my interview for AMU's Institute for Pastoral Theology this afternoon. The interview was set yesterday, but unbeknownst to me, I had been scheduled to attend a "web conference" at the very same time. As I told my co-workers, "too bad, I'm busy", my phone rang at 1:00 on the dot: because Professor Bushman is, as he says, "very German."

The interview went well, and as he's already had me in his class and thus is familiar with my work as well as some interaction during class, our conversation was helped along. It was the most interesting interview I've ever had and it was the most productive lunch hour I've ever spent!

And at the end of it, he officially welcomed me to the IPT program as an MTS (Masters in Theological Studies) grad student.

The financial discussion was part of it: IPT offers a 1/3 scholarship for those who take the full course load of 6 credits. I explained my current situation, planning to leave my job, unknown what this new one might pay IF it is meant for me, etc, and the fact that even if I were in my same position, I would struggle to cover the costs. So the scholarship is awarded, first under merit by virtue of my first papers as well as application/interview impression, and secondly, financial need. I am to let him know if circumstances change. Agreed.

The finances have always been in question, and long ago I entrusted this to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I will not falter now. Now that I'm accepted formally, I'm one step closer, and the next step has yet to be discerned. All money belongs to God, so if He wills this for me on behalf of his Kingdom, then it will be done.

I had referred to the shadow of the Cross, and just after this interview and the subsequent joy, the shadow fell over me. It has always been there, but it is the nature of shadows that we pass through them (or do they pass through us?).

First it was about some file reviews for work. I have been struggling for a long time and I took sudden vacation in March to deal with the burnout that nearly made me literally walk off the job. I have a good Manager, he and my direct Supervisor knew I was burned out, and they have done what they can to help. But I am struggling and even though I am working myself to death, I can't seem to meet the numbers. Not in any category. My most recent Personnnel Evaluation was disastrous. I was once one of the top performers, even broke a record...and now I have fallen so low!

And even though I desperately want to quit this job, and even though I think being fired would be merciful, that pride within me struggles for I have put nearly 5 years into this company, I have lost nearly 5 years of my life working in this position, and it is physically painful to think of walking out in shame rather than triumph. But I have to wonder if that very humiliation is what is being asked of me?

During Holy Week, especially on Holy Thursday, a prayer that continued to come to me until I prayed it over and over was "Let me be crucified with you. Let me die with you." I didn't want to pray that prayer, but I had to obey.

That prayer is being answered, and the shadow of it is chilling to the bone.

Just after my interview, I brought the requested files into my superiors, and only about 20 minutes later, I was called into a closed door meeting. I knew without a doubt the judgment to which I was walking.

En route, I came across a mother and her son, and had to go around them. I cannot help but be struck by their presence in my path.

I entered, and was bidden to close the door and be seated. My Manager before me across the desk, my supervisor to my right, I got "the lecture." This is the talk given to all those who are sliding and can't seem to get up. This is supposed to be redeeming, but, in reality, when most of us get to this point, it's actually a sign of things to come.

Indeed.

As my Manager spoke, I nodded, held back the tears, the agony, the humiliation, and reminded myself to keep my eyes on the Cross. I refused to let go of the Joy of my recent news, and the Hope of another job; I listened, nodded, responded, and endured. This is happening by God's will.

My Manager went into a spiel about how this is not personal, he and they all really like me, want me to stay, he sees me as the "spark plug" that usually keeps everyone going and they recognize that I'm at a very low point. I was actually shocked that, even though since my vacation my demeanor has been much better, apparently my burnout is still all too apparent, especially to those whose job it is to review my work.

They know I'm working hard. They know that I'm not consciously throwing my career away. They know I'm struggling and they know it's out of character for me.

My Manager reiterated that he will write me references, no matter how many hoops he has to jump through to get it approved through HR.

Of course, at this point, now I'm crying, and that kills me because I have always been an emotionally-driven person but keep it, especially tears, under wraps when in a professional environment. The only other time I have cried at work was when I learned of my Grandmother's death. I have to tell him to stop because he's making me cry, and I turn it into a joke, saying, "This is what girls do!"

Somehow, though, even in their humiliation, the tears were freeing. I am who I am, not the robot the company wants me to be.

They gave me examples of others, including themselves, who have hit rock bottom but were brought back and found their niche, and they were trying to encourage me to stay.

They are aware of a possible pending job, they are aware of the direction my life seems to be taking, and they are happy for me...but they still have to do their job, which involves an impending disciplinary action, based on performance, which will eventually lead to termination.

I told them very candidly that I am leaving, no matter how they try to make the job "better." I explained that I am trying to move on to something I'm truly good at.

My Manager told me, "You ARE good at this!"

I told him, no, I'm not. I've been trying to overcome my natural weakness for nearly 5 years; this isn't my area. It's never been my area. It's never been my gift..

He told me that if I ever get to the point that I really can't do this anymore, they'll understand, he'll help in any way he can and he wants to see me happy.

I explained that this is what I'm telling him; I CAN'T do this anymore. This job is all about numbers, and structure, and absolutes. It's not that I don't need structure for I do, but numbers...my worst subjects, and for almost 5 years they have ruled my life and the measure of my worthiness in my employment. And it's a losing battle. I can't overcome this weakness. I have given all I can, and I can't do it any more. I'm worn out. It's not who I was designed to be.

I have to go. It's time.

I gave him the time frame for the position for which I'm interviewing, but said that whether I get the job or not, I'm leaving. I will give notice, but I won't be staying. They agree that I'm not a slacker, he told me that he thinks I have a lot more character than that, and we discussed the remedial consequences of my present failings that I will be addressing with them in the next few weeks.

These are the dreaded "short-term objectives."

I have met Pilate...and I have been passed to Herod.

How will Herod judge me?

I know that God is opening doors before me, even as this one is slamming shut. He is calling me to something else, and I know that what is happening now MUST happen because there is no other choice. I know that ultimately there is glory in this, but I am having a very difficult time in seeing it, and so I am trying to walk in absolute trust.

Yes, there is hope with the potential new job, but is that my place? Is that where I'm being sent and for what God has been preparing me? Or is the interview only a stepping stone and is my current crisis a valley of death through which I must pass before I meet even a bigger Cross with a different type of Glory?

I knew this was coming, for with great consolations come great trials, and this trial is very real, very dark, very ominous, and very final. I've seen this place before, but this is the first time I've seen it through eyes unified with those of Jesus.

I flee to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, because, like Jesus, I have seen the shadow of the Cross and the suffering it entails, and I must go somewhere for comfort and for assistance. She knows of this Cross and where it leads, and even knowing the ultimate Glory, she is united in her own maternal suffering. So I flee to her, and I beg for her intercession and assistance.

The shadow of the Cross is so cold...but without passing through this, there will be no resurrection and no revelation.

Our Lady of Perpeutal Help, pray for me!