Seeking God

Recently, I sat in a room where a speaker posed this question:  

 "We have the ask, 'Where ARE the young adults? Where do we find them? How do we reach them?'"

There was more, and it was part of a larger discussion, but, of course, you know me: I can't keep my mouth shut. I was seated near the front of the room, which perhaps gave me more courage to speak up since I couldn't see who-all was listening (or not).  I confess...I do fear to speak up in groups, especially when those with more experience and knowledge are present.  But not that day. 

The presenter was missing a huge piece of the puzzle, and I realized that even though he has young adult children, since they hadn't fallen away from the Church he didn't realize what was going on in the real world.

I knew in that moment that an insight that had come to me earlier this week was being brought to fruition, and I had to speak up on behalf of all those who are still lost. I know them, because I was one of them.

We are many, and many of the current models used to reach young adults simply don't work because they assume somewhat regular attendance at Mass, if at all.  And those models also assume a hands-on approach.  Not evangalizing through revealing Christ, but evangelizing through finding slave labor for various causes.  

Speaking up

I raised my hand and explained that I still fit into the "Young Adult" category, then proceeded, in answer to the presenter's question, to explain my experience. I didn't go into detail. In fact, there was only the briefest of outlines in my head as I explained my involvement in high school, going to a Catholic college and falling away. I explained my family moved out of town and I moved into another city to begin my life as an adult...and had nowhere to go. My entire perception of what it meant to be Catholic meant "doing stuff." And if I couldn't "do stuff" as I was used to, how could I be Catholic?  

I stated very clearly that I would go to Mass on occasion, to one parish or another, looking for home, but not knowing what it meant to be Catholic. I didn't know my faith. I said that the young adults out there don't know their faith, either. They're floating around, maybe like I was, thinking that being Catholic meant "doing stuff", and while that's important, it's not our focus or reason for being.  It's not a way to find Home, where we belong. 

I said that it wasn't until I finally began seeking God that I really found my way Home.

When I had begun speaking, I didn't mean for it to turn into a testimony. I wanted to give insight into the fact that the models don't work because floaters aren't around to come into the realm that belongs to the current modes of evangelization. The speaker actually didn't really look very happy with what I was saying, although he seemed to listen attentively. I was grateful when a young woman behind me affirmed my experience as hers had been similar in some ways, and then, later another woman had even more to say.

All of that happened near the end of the session, and I turned and made eye contact with the last woman, mouthing "Thank you" to her own profound words. She understood so clearly what the speaker did not seem to want to understand.

I didn't get into "issues" such as why it was so hard to find a parish; I didn't discuss the problems with theology and liturgical abuse which I could not have articulated from that time in my life.  I don't think I could give a short explanation as to why architecture, theology, and body postures during the consecration matters so much, and why departures from norms I didn't even know EXISTED drove me away from countless parishes.  I let those issues be;  there may be another time and place in another large event that will force me to bring that up and tie it up in its own little giftbox for those who don't want to receive it.  

Where are the young adults? 

That's a good question.  Let me answer some of it:  they (we!)  are seeking God. And if they enter a parish and find the theology of the parish to be wishy-washy, they leave. If they find disunity, they leave. If they find outreach without sincerity and REAL understanding...they walk.  They realize their lives are worth far more than a ten-cent smile and a frivolous handshake.  They don't want their singlehood to become one of slave labor to the Church, their singlehood a memory of years spent in weird pigeonholed isolation at a parish that doesn't know what to do with them other than to plug them into various volunteer holes that need warm bodies to fill them.  

Young adults want to get involved, yes. Absolutely. But not without a deeper meaning. Not without God. For their primary search, even if they can't explain it, is God. They are seeking happiness. They are seeking Our Lord, and they don't know where YOU have placed Him.  

WHERE IS MY LORD?  

Recently, I walked into a church I had never attended, and I could not find Our Lord. I could not find the red flickering light of the tabernacle.  I paced back and forth, looking for Him, not daring to pass beyond the doors into the church if I could not find him. What if I failed to acknowledge His Presence with a genuflection?  I couldn't do that. I am a sinner of Augustinian proportions;  but if I can be faithful in the small things, then let me at LEAST be faithful in those.  Please.

You want to reach Young Adults?  In your parish, make HIM prominent.  Make HIM available!  Young Adults don't want to look at rows of other people of varying ages, especially at Mass!  Christ is not primarily present in the people, and if you claim that "Vatican II said so", then be anathema for Vatican II said NOTHING OF THE SORT!   Christ is, Christ was, and Christ will FOREVER be present in the Holy Eucharist,  Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity, through the consecrated hands of an ordained priest!  NOT the people!   

If you make your parish all about the people, then what is the draw for a FAITHFUL Young Adult? 

 NOTHING!

Do you know what I did as a Young Adult, since I couldn't find Christ?  I volunteered in secular venues, looking for Jesus there.  Because I still thought being Catholic was all about doing. That, and I was career-oriented. But ultimately I wasn't seeking a career for money, but I was seeking a way to spend my life meaningfully.  

In looking back, I realize that maybe I would have had something to offer the Church if the Church had first pointed me to Christ when I had gone there seeking Him.  If maybe someone had helped me understand what SHOULD have been happening. 

I remember speaking once to a priest after a Mass. I was in tears, totally convicted by the words he'd spoken that day. And I thought I had something to offer, wanted to get involved, said a prayer and thought that maybe if this was accepted, it was the place for me.

It wasn't. I don't think I ever returned. He was nice enough, but even now, looking back, it wasn't about what I thought I had to offer; that entire encounter was about what I needed from Christ, and that was the recognition that I even existed.

How do any of us reach out to that need, especially when it's presented to us in such a hidden manner? I don't blame the priest for not knowing. After all, it took me a long time to figure out what it was I really needed at that time.

But there's a key in what came out of my mouth on the day I spoke up, something I'd never even considered, something maybe we all have to remember, no matter our role in life.

That day, I stated very publicly, there in that full room, that I didn't come back to the Church because there was stuff to do, but because I was seeking God. It wasn't until I could clearly look for Him that I could find my way Home. Because if it's not about God, it's about nothing at all.

After I had spoken, I actually felt somewhat ashamed, realizing that I'd gone off topic and I'd let my mouth run too much. My typical scourge. After the two others had spoken up, though, I felt better, and one person, afterwards, approached me and thanked me for speaking out. I was still apologetic; I hadn't intended to give a testimony. I felt it was inappropriate for the venue. She thought not, and that perhaps the Holy Spirit had a hand in my words.

I can only hope so. I know that He did for me.

Pondering

Recently I was pondering an old blog post of mine from some time ago, which lead to another. I've been frustrated on so many levels, struggling in so many ways. In encountering these posts, I realized therein was the message I needed: Let God Love You.

It's not about me. It's about God. It's about what God has done. It's about how God uses us, especially when we least expect it. It's about being still, not worrying about the next moment or next plan, and just allowing God to take charge. He is faithful. Where is our happiness? In God.

The second, related post to that one was a reminder to let God work. He has a plan, He knows what He is doing. He's in charge. He intends for us all to become Saints, if only we'd be willing to follow His plan.

We are all seeking God, in some way, and the problem is that there is an entire population out there who can't even figure out whom they are really seeking.  That's where we have to recognize that it's our place to find them. Not the chancery. Not the parishes.  Ours.  Those who have fallen away don't come to Mass.  And it's not about programming or meetings. It's about prayer. Pray for them. We can't do ANYTHING to bring them back, no matter what actions we take. We can teach the Truth. We can speak out. We can be present, but until they're ready, until the Holy Spirit draws them, we have to remember....God is in charge. 

Message For Me, Message for the Church Everywhere

That day, after I spoke, I realized that God also had a message for me.  Why had I come back, when did I come back?  I was seeking Him.  There was a purity of intention.  

For those who have fallen away, there is a similarity, but they, too need to know that God loves them. The next step is to LET God love them. 

Just as I had to learn to let God love me.  

I realized I'm still there.  I've fallen away again. I go to prayer, I go to Mass, but I'm trying too hard, focusing on things that, ironically, are still of this world. My Vocation, for example. 

Maybe it's time to sit back, remember that it was seeking Him that lead me  home initially, and perhaps its important to return to those roots, and focuse once again on Our Lord.  For only He can lead me Home. 

How do we reach anyone?  Lead them to Christ. Point to Him.  

I have news for priests and parishes everywhere, throughout the world: If you are seeking to bring back the lost, point them to Christ. Bring them to Adoration. Invite them to Mass with you and with your family.  Before you ask them to help out with something, first give them time to know and love God. For if they don't know Him, they'll fall away again and again, for FIRST we must love God...and love of neighbor, service to neighbor, flows from that. Not the other way around.  

Youth Dying for Truth

I was like most youth when I "left" the Church. My formation had been horrid at best, I didn't know half or even a quarter of what I needed to know, and in reality, I was not equipped to face...well...reality.

So despite my very intense involvement in my home parish, I was lost when I went to college. I didn't go to Mass. I wanted to be cool and sleep in. And when I DID go to Mass, it followed a weird "Youth Mass" format that involved the priest inviting the students to circle around the altar during the consecration. I watched from a balcony with some friends, astonished, and yet, thinking the way my classmates in the front row leapt to their feet and circled the alter looked incredibly stupid, blocked the view for even we in the balcony, and that the entire thing seemed....wrong.

I was so put off that I went only one more time to a Sunday evening Mass in that particular place on campus, and the ONLY memory I have of it is from the balcony, watching the exact same characters leaping to circle the altar, while most of the students remained, kneeling silently.

My other memories of college Mass involved those from the chapel, where they always seemed to play the piped-in popular music of the day, the theme song of which was the secular song, "Hero" from some movie I never saw because it was both popular AND cheesy. To this day, I haven't seen the movie attached to that song and can't even remember what it is.

All I learned about Mass in college was that it was about us, that it was about popular culture, and I couldn't identify with it because it didn't come CLOSE to touching the very real issues I was dealing with in my life: divorce, death, suffering, the mental illness of a parent, the occult...etc. All I got was affirmation of false choices; I wasn't EVER shown WHY we go to Mass, WHO Jesus was and remains, or WHY it was necessary to go to Mass. Because it was all about us as teens and college students, I never learned anything objective about theology or Christ.

As it was, Mass was no different than any other part of my life. So I didn't go. There was no point.

That said, I went forward to receive Our Lord in Holy Communion, even though I was in a state of mortal sin, and I could not understand my tears, my repentance, my inability to remain aloof. Because He was there, and in spite of all that was wrong, all I did wrong...He saw and He knew...and He called.

I graduated college, and reconnected with college friends when I moved to the Cities. A friend, an even more marginal a Catholic than I, wanted to go to the Basilica Youth Group in St. Paul, and I think she did go, but it never worked out for me. In fact, I've completely lost touch with her. But I remember a sense of disconnection we both shared. We were on the fringes, as we'd always been, not knowing how to really become involved.

At the time, I didn't have a parish. I was seeking God, calling myself "Catholic" but really wandering around going to Mass at different places, giving my heart to the things of this world. New Age, Occult...it was all the same to me.

I kind of felt like the Church didn't want me. When I DID go to Mass, I felt like a fraud, a stranger, someone Jesus would never want to know.

And I have to admit..I've never totally shaken that "feeling".

For years, I went online, searching out different parishes,  seeking a connection, a group I could join. But all of them seemed so much like the cookie-cutter "good kids" I knew in college who lived so "perfectly", did great things, were so intelligent and connected. They were the ones with perfect lives, scholarships, and the ones present at the Masses that didn't seem right, somehow.

And there was something "false" there that I couldn't put my finger on, and to this day, I STILL can't.

After my conversion, after I bought my townhome and joined my current parish, I became involved in my own local Young Adult group, and I didn't fit in even there. It was the same kind of "cookie cutter" person; young women and men with whom I could not identify. I'd seen so much, through both my personal and professional life, and through my own cynacism, all I needed was someone to understand me, even as I tried to understand Christ. It wasn't that the young adults I met pushed me aside; it was that I couldn't understand them or what I saw as their perfect lives.

It's the plague of good youth and young adult groups all around: those who have seen and lived some very serious things have a hard time when they come up against the innocence of lived holiness and...dare I say it?  An absence of suffering.  

That is not to say that those in those groups have not suffered, but rather, I find that in many of those groups are those whose parents are still married, whose parents have supported them when they HAVE gone wrong, and whose catechesis was actually not bad overall (even if in the case of college campuses the liturgy has gone wild). There are different variations of goodness and sin, but no matter where I have gone, I've always felt like the scruffy outcast.

It's not in anything they've done; there has simply always been a sense of not fitting in properly. A square peg in a round hole. Choose your cliche'.

It's been years now, and things ARE getting better. There are WONDERFUL Young Adult Apostolates such as the Frassati Society and other groups.  And although I've been involved in Frassati, this June I end my "tenure" even though my connection to them has been marginal.  As they've sat around discussing faith, I've been teaching it, in all my incompetence.  I look at their perceived holiness, wish I could be there, because, in reality, in knowing these people...they're living better than I am.  And yet...I can't spend any time with them because I'm WORKING for the Church. 

What irony...cut off from my own spiritual connections with people my own age because I'm...WORKING for the very venue.  

Yet, I know that it's not my group, anyway.  I can't put my finger on it, but I know that this is not my group of friends.  They are wonderful people...but they aren't people I understand, or who can possibly understand me. There is no ill will.  Just...a disconnect.  

And I'm in so many ways just like so many other Young Adults out there, wanting to find that group of good Catholic friends, but we don't fit a particular profile.  What about us?  Where do we go?  

Orphans. 

I'm reminded of Menudo;  when I was a child, I remember watching them EVERY SATURDAY, so sad when one of them left and sang his farewell song.  Being a Young Adult in the Church is a lot like that, but we don't get to sing because no one knows us to begin with.  We're just...here. In limbo.  Disconnected, because everything out there seems almost an extended model of teen ministry, which DOESN'T fit those of us who have seen things better left unmentioned.  

In June, I won't be singing a song of farewell to anyone, for there won't be anyone to listen as I turn 35.  And it doesn't matter.  Because my life in Christ hasn't been about age, or a group, or a title. 

Ultimately it's been about Christ. It's been about Truth. It's been about seeking Him, and HE has provided those connections He intended me to have with others. 

I'm very saddened that for so long, Truth has been left out of the formation of teens and young adults; Popular Culture has been put in place of history and transcendence.  I'm saddened that what was supposed to cater to my "sensibilities" turned out to be the things that pushed me away, and that those doing their best to actually provide something REAL have been stymied by everything that preceeded them.  

And the vestiges of bad liturgy, bad theology hang on, holding everyone back. 

Everyone seeking Truth wants a faith they can DIE for. 

Yes, I've found it, but it's taken me to the end of my youth to do so.  That shouldn't be.  

I'm now in this "limbo" age; I'm technically classified as a "Young Adult" but haven't actually been able to see myself as such for several years.  Yet, I can't pass into the next category, whatever it is.  Once we turn 35, we're not "young adults" anymore. We're....what?  

Who am I, in the Church?  A single woman, in limbo. That's all.  Not part of any group, any category. A free agent.  A dryer sock.  Lost. Found.  Undefined.  Lint. 

It doesn't matter.  I've found a Faith worth dying for.  I've not been other there looking for a label or a group, but I've been looking for LIFE. And I've found it in Christ.  

I'm not willing to die for a job or an ideal. 

I'm not willing to wander the desert for a theory.  

But I AM willing to die for Truth, and I've found it in the Cross.  It doesn't matter that you can't pigeonhole me into a particular age group;  the Church isn't about that.  It's about LIVING as Christ calls us to live, and we don't always have the support we think we need. But we have HIM, and that's all that matters.  

THAT'S what we need to remember when we work with young people; they aren't looking for a label, but for Truth. And when they find that, they'll find something worth dying for.  Take away the fluff and the bad liturgy; they can spot it. They want reality. They want what matches their lives. They can understand the Cross because they're living it every day, but no one is willing to point it out to them. 

I'm so sorry that for so long, so many have been lost because the models the Church has been using hasn't addressed the deepest needs of those who have been seeking. I'm so sorry that so many have been deprived of a very real connection to Christ that should have been there, but wasn't. 

But it doesn't have to be that way.  It doesn't matter how scruffy we are, how much we don't connect to the existing "models" embraced by various parishes in how to do "outreach".  What matters is Our Lord, who inflicts no models and no lables.  He simply IS, and it is HE who defines us and helps us to find ourselves, there in His light and loving shadow beneath the Cross.