In Tribute to Pope Benedict XVI

Today, Pope Benedict XVI stepped down from Office and has entered a monastic life of prayer for the Church. In Tribute, Catholic bloggers everywhere are joining in with Ironic Catholic in posting our favorite paragraphs or quotes from the Holy Father's writings.

There are so many, but even as he left, Pope Benedict XVI gave us a message of hope, and leaves to go into a life of prayer, so I think it fitting to share with you one of my favorite passages as a highlight of his own lived belief and experience, advice and wisdom offered from the heart of God to us:

I. Prayer as a school of hope 
 32. A first essential setting for learning hope is prayer. When no one listens to me any more, God still listens to me. When I can no longer talk to anyone or call upon anyone, I can always talk to God. When there is no longer anyone to help me deal with a need or expectation that goes beyond the human capacity for hope, he can help me. When I have been plunged into complete solitude ...; if I pray I am never totally alone. The late Cardinal Nguyen Van Thuan, a prisoner for thirteen years, nine of them spent in solitary confinement, has left us a precious little book: Prayers of Hope. During thirteen years in jail, in a situation of seemingly utter hopelessness, the fact that he could listen and speak to God became for him an increasing power of hope, which enabled him, after his release, to become for people all over the world a witness to hope—to that great hope which does not wane even in the nights of solitude.
~ Spe salvi, 32

Thank you, dear Holy Father, for reminding us that even when we think we are alone, the reason for our hope is God who will never leave us totally alone for we can always talk to Him, and he never fails to speak to us.

The Desire to be Known and Loved

Having worked with and around children for a several years now, I have an observation I've been pondering for quite some time.

A few years ago, the Pastor at the parish where I am employed went to visit the Kindergarten class. They had some questions to ask him; simple but VERY important things that told them all they needed to know about him, such as, "What is your favorite color?"  "What is your favorite animal?" "What is your favorite sport?". There were more, of course, but those questions told the children all that was important about Father as a human being. They were relational questions.

You see, the children already loved and respected Father but they wanted to know things about him to which they could relate. It was of IMMENSE importance that they learn about his favorite color, animal, and sport  to see if those things were also THEIR favorite things!

Of course, each time Father answered a question, all of the children would pipe up with THEIR favorite things and start telling him all kinds of stories about their own favorite colors, animals (pets!) and sports, and naturally, that required them to expound greatly in detail.

Father, being  a very organized sort, had a very difficult time getting a word in edgewise and left that particular class session just a little rumpled in spirit.

I remember him telling me about this and all I could do was laugh at the mental image. "Father, they just want to make sure you know them as well as they know you!"

This is what I've been pondering for so long. Yes, it's clear to anyone that the children wanted him to know them and that they wanted to know more about him. But why?

The answer is simple:  Love. 

Think about it. This is "Human Nature 101".  When we love someone, we want to be known by them. Maybe we already know them or think we do, but it becomes of the utmost importance to also be known. To be recognized. To identify with them on some level. To be loved back.

This is the foundation of friendship. First it is superficial (identifying with another on favorite ie superficial  things) and then it goes deeper. Before it can go deeper, though, one must learn about things specific to that person and help that person recognize things that are specific to us as individual human beings.

Because I am an adult employee in a church, and therefore must lead many events and come into contact with many youth volunteers, sometimes I become the focus of a particular need. When one of our youth come to me for direction on a project or offer to work with me, even if I'd rather handle that particular thing alone and delegate them elsewhere, I have learned to let them help in some way. It might be painting a decorative mural for the wall for Vacation Bible School. . It might be asking them to carry this little box of pens (that I could handle myself just fine)  to that location. It might be just to be patient and answer their various questions about the simplest or most unrelated things. It might be just to listen and encourage an interest in a particular subject.

In the end, their questions and their tales about themselves and their families (from age 5 or younger on up to teens!) isn't about the event at hand. It is rather a simple request from one human being to another:  "Please recognize me. Please love me and let me tell you what I want you to love about me and how God made me!"

What I've noticed especially is that children love to talk. When they have learned to trust adults in their lives, they reveal everything. They latch on to their favorite people and tell them as many tales as they can about everything they know. They try to imitate that adult (or teen, even!). They will reveal their very souls and all this is really just an elaborate way for one human to connect with another. To say, "Please love me as much as I already love you!"

This behavior doesn't end with childhood; it's part of what adults do every day, too, although the form it takes is much more refined. 

Do you know why it's so hard to get volunteers for ANY given event, and why some need a personal phone call? Because a general call for volunteers isn't enough for some people. They need a little extra "I love you and know you so I'm calling you personally to take on this task."

We live in a world of broken families; families that have bourne children, now adults, in need of love that a shattered family simply couldn't provide when it was most necessary in their individual formation.. When a child comes to you and shares their heart, be open to them. Smile, even if you are sad about something. Smile, even if you are angry or stressed out. Take a moment  to enjoy the happiness of a child who is expressing that they love you and love you so much they want you to love them, too.

Do the same thing with adults because they, too, are the children they have always been, and they, too, are looking for someone to love them and to know them for who they are as fellow children of God.

As with young children, know when to encourage, know when to correct, know when to discipline. Human relationships can be very complicated, but everything comes down to one simple thing:

 What does the sacrifice that is true love for another human being, knowing they have been called to life with Christ for eternity, demand of you right now? 

And pray...

Pray for Our Lord to help you discern that answer in union with His Most Sacred and Merciful Heart!

The Truth About God's Love

Earlier this week, I had a wonderful conversation with a friend who shared with me some of her own profound experiences in her relationship with Christ. It was because of these that she was able to recognize His reality, even physical reality, in her life. She expressed how she had come to recognize His gentleness, His respect for us and where we are in our relationship with Him, no matter how limited or open, and, most importantly..his incredible love.

It's hard to really understand and internalize that love, for in our human frailty, we most often fail to love either ourselves or others - and all love is a participation in God's divine charity.

This morning I went to the Adoration chapel at my parish to pray the Divine Office and Morning Prayer before completing my errands, still pondering what she had said.

While I don't normally read or pray the "Psalm-Prayer" after every Psalm, today one portion of it from the Office caught my attention:

"We, your children, are weighed down with sin; give us the fullness of your mercy."

That line spoke volumes to me; we are, in fact, weighed down with sin, and only God's great mercy can relieve the crushing burden. Note in the prayer that we don't ask only for a little mercy, but boldly, we ask for what Our Lord has provided through the Cross: the FULLNESS of His mercy.

In prayer, even though we are "weighed down with sin", we still go to Him, prodigal children, humbly demanding  our birthright.

It was then that it struck me more profoundly than it ever has before; we have nothing.

I thought of my financial burdens, my burden of sin, my worries, my physical possessions...all of it. In prayer I said to Jesus, "I have nothing to offer because all I possess is my sin; that originates with me."

But no; even sin, even my greatest sins, are taken away through God's mercy in the Sacrament of Confession.

The only thing any of us truly possess, the only thing that makes us fully human, the only real treasure to be sought has been given freely; God's incredible, merciful, fiery Divine Love.

We are all poor in our mere possessions and money; no matter how much we have, it is nothing.

The ONLY thing we really need is not tangible, but is far more real than the biggest gem right down to the smallest penny: God's merciful love.

With that, we have far more than we will ever need; we have only to accept it so that we, too, can bring it to others.

Thank you, Jesus

Exercises in Humility

Sometimes God throws curve balls, not just to keep us on our toes, but also to remind us Who is really in charge, and to teach us to depend a little more on him. These experiences, although often painful, sometimes embarrassing, sometimes humorous (or all three) have other side effects, if you will:  gratitude, fortitude and of course...wisdom. 

This morning as I got ready for work, I was planning my day. I have a lot to accomplish with an event this weekend, and since I'm off tomorrow I need to be certain all my ducks are in a row so that I don't walk into a disaster on Saturday morning.

As I left my house, I grabbed a couple things to have for lunch, considered getting an oil change (I'm way overdue) and realized that I had to stop and get gas - not something I could put off any longer.

I locked  up, got into my car, set my bag of stuff on the seat next to me and as the car came on, so did the radio, tuned to Classic NPR and playing my favorite flute concerto. Normally I begin praying the rosary as I leave my driveway, and if I have to get gas, I get it from the station around the corner. But this morning, because that music was playing, I decided not to stop for gas. I evaluated the gauge and judged that I probably had enough juice to get me to a gas station near my work. That left me free to enjoy the incredible music.

Exercist  #1:   I wasn't free

All the way to work, I kept staring at the gas gauge, wondering if I should get off this or that exit to a nearby gas station. I began to "plan" what to do if it dropped lower than I expected. Surely enough, as I neared my possible exits closest to work, the gauge dropped and I "knew" the gas light was going to come on at any moment. That was the first time I began to pray since I'd entered the car.

"Please, God, just let me get to the gas station...give me enough to get there."   I watched the gauge bob up a little bit, as if a little injection were just given. I drove conservatively, doing all I knew to preserve what I had.

My prayer did not cease until I turned into the gas station lot and pulled up to one of the pumps. I turned off my car, breathed a sigh of relief and turned off the car.

Exercise #2:   Poverty

That's when I turned to my bag and reached in for my purse - which wasn't there. 

I stared into the bag, seeing my Liturgy of the Hours, a binder, my work keys, my lunch - but no purse.

It was slowly dawning on me that I had no money, no cell phone, and....no gas.

Uh oh!

I looked at my watch. I knew my supervisor was going to a meeting, one I had decided not to attend because of things I needed to accomplish in the office.

I was going to call her, but then recalled that without my cell, I didn't have her phone numbmer.

Uh oh!

What to do?

Exercise #3:  Humility

Taking a deep breath, I walked into the gas station and got in line. I had only a little change, not enough for the pay phone and certainly not enough for multiple calls.

I explained to the clerk that I had a bit of a weird problem and needed assistance. No purse, no money, no cell, no gas. She called her manager to the front and I explained the predicament to him, greatly embarrassed.

Although I grew up poor, I'm not sure I ever "felt" our poverty so much as I did in that very moment. I was walking into a business I had intended to patronize only to hold out my hand and ask for spare change.

I explained where I worked and that I just needed to use the phone to contact them to ask for help both to reach my supervisor's cell, or to ask one of them in the office to come help me.  I tried to hide my interior cringe, realizing how far this little episode was already spreading.

Thankfully he was very helpful, gave me the store's cordless phone and stood by while I called 411 at his direction (they didn't have a phone book that had my work city in it & I don't have the main number memorized!). 

I called the front desk, explained to the receptionist my strandedness and poorness, and she gave me my supervisor's cell number, but also told me to call her back if I couldn't reach her. She said that someone in the office would be able to help. I thanked her and tried twice to reach my boss - no luck, and it's not as if she could reach me where I was! I did explain the "back-up" plan and told her not to worry if we didn't connect, just said I'd try later. Which I did - no luck.

I called the parish office back and told the receptionist I was still stranded. She transferred me to the business administrator who said he'd come to the gas station to release me from gas station purgatory. (My words, not his). 

I handed the phone to the clerk and thanked her for their help and said my assistance was on the way.

Upon returning to my car, I continued to stare at my bag, wondering how I could possibly NOT have my purse? How could that be? How did I leave it home? WHERE WAS IT?

*sigh*

My "savior" soon arrived, filled my tank and told me to just write him a check when I next returned to work (ostensibly with my purse this time). He said that he'd been in a similar boat before and thought it nothing to offer a little assistance.

When I arrived at work, I had a message from my boss who had called the parish office and learned I was already being assisted. She told me that she was going to start sending me messages to remember my stuff every day. (Yesterday I left my work keys home).

Yes, that's life.

Obviously God judged that I was in need of humility today. But because of that lesson, I'm also incredibly grateful that I have people in my life so willing to come to my assistance, that I didn't run out of gas on the freeway with no ability to call for help along with the money to pay for it, and that, well, I have a job, for even though I am poor, at least I (usually) have enough for what I need without having to beg every day.

Thank you, Lord.

Stop laughing! 

Holiness and Humility

It's the right time of year for it, so today I watched "Charlotte's Web", one of my favorite stories.  In the more recent film version (2006), Wilbur questions Charlotte about the final word she wrote of him. He questioned whether it was the right word, for truth had always been an important definition within their friendship. In an important moment in the barn at the fair, Wilbur revealed that he didn't feel like he deserved ANY of the words Charlotte had written of him, and wanted this final testament to be, well....right.

"Then it's exactly the right word", Charlotte replied.

Although I've seen this movie more than once, today this scene really stood out to me.

I thought about the importance of humility in a life of holiness, and how few souls are truly humble. I certainly am not one of them!  I thought about my own ongoing pridefulness, my vainglory, if you will.

A spider would never call me humble. Even if said spider was the epitome of humility. (Charlotte herself).

In pondering further, though, I recalled the times I had asked for humility, and the painful experiences of humiliation that always followed. I recalled huge failures, true humiliations that occurred when I didn't even know about the virtue or that it would even apply!

I recalled how many times I have been knocked down, and I admit that when I think about "humiliations", I recall most often to mind the disasters in life, such as the day I turned in my badge and my gun and walked away from law enforcement forever.

It was a humiliation that sent me into a tailspin.

I recall the day I left the Fire Department, albeit with references, but it was still a humiliation as I had not been able to reach the goal I'd had since I was a little girl.

There are others, far more personal, that I have spoken of only to Confessors and Spiritual Directors and close friends.  Far too many others.

In meditating upon this, though, I realized something important:  the big humiliations are what pave the way for the little ones.

God knows us well, and He knows that when we built what we think is an impenetrable fortress, it must be demolished so that we can be dragged out from the rubble and our wounds tended to.

When the Saints speak of "humiliations", they are rarely speaking of something large, but rather, of those small moments of surrendering one's will in order that someone else might grow stronger.

We should not fear to ask for humility, for holiness is found in the small moments, the small humiliations that remain between the soul and God, and perhaps the soul's Confessor. The humiliations of the spiritual life that are truly part of a devout soul's journey in holiness are not the same as those that appear on CNN or the local news.

In looking back over my own life, it is clear that the very real and big humiliations I suffered were necessary only to create in me a wound that would allow the healing blood of Jesus to enter and bring me from death into life.  It was in suffering the most that I was finally brought to my knees, not in sorrow, but in love and devotion.

I need to thank God every day for those humiliations, for were it not for having been knocked down so hard, I would never have had the opportunity to even consider it possible to one day become truly holy and join my own blood with that of Jesus as we make our way, in this life, up to road to Calvary.

Thank you, Jesus.

Please give me the grace to sincerely pray for humility, and thank you still more when you answer the prayer, no matter what that answer may be. 

Amen.  

 

Gov'mint Cheese and Powdered Milk

On this Feast of St. Catherine of Siena, in the Year for Priests, I was going to post some more of her commentary on the Priesthood and the dignity of Priests. But I couldn't write that post today.

Instead, in her spirit, in honor of her life and her charism, I direct you, my readers, towards those she served most often, and to whom she dedicated her life:  The Unloved. The Forgotten. The Sick and Infirm.

Many think of the GREAT things St. Catherine did, including her role in ending the Avignon Captivity and the restoration of the true Pope.

Many try to misuse her name in favor of the laughable efforts of the "womynpryst" crowd in abusing her image for themselves with regard to their assessment of "speaking truth to power.".  Methinks St. Catherine would have something quite severe to say to such a crowd that does so much to taint the face of the Bride. Being a Catholic has nothing to do with "power": it has to do with service, and more importantly, our Vocation to Holiness.

The very moment "Power" enters into the conversation, holiness and salvation are no longer relevant. Oh, do I wish St. Catherine could speak today!

But, as usual, I digress.

Tonight....tonight, I speak to something dear to St. Catherine's heart. It has nothing to do with politics, and everything to do with humanity and God's holiness...and therefore, her holiness.

A Brief History

Many don't know that St. Catherine was cloistered in her own home for three years, serving as Anchoress to those who came to her for spiritual direction.  God Himself called her to this cloister, wherein He spoke to her through mystical experiences, but finally directed her Himself to leave the cloister to help her mother and to serve the poor.

St. Catherine was obedient, left the cloister of her room and like our modern Blessed Mother Teresa, went to serve the worst of the worst, and to great criticism.  She was never without both physical and personal persecution in her response to God's will.

She was not a feminist. She was not a politician. She was simply and purposefully a willing instrument of God in a world desperate for His Divine Love. As such, all she did was done according to God's will, and from what I know of her, she may well have been privy to the Divine Processions, and as such, to abuse her charism for political or ideological gain is an outright blasphemy. Let God be the Judge.

My Friends...St. Catherine is an EXAMPLE...stop trying to make her an exception to the rule! 

We are ALL called to holiness!

We are ALL called to grow  in holiness!

St. Catherine shows us all by her own example that before we can truly serve others and bring them to Christ, we must first be formed ourselves, and yes, that might be a very painful process!  For some (dense people like me) we need more advanced intellectual formation to feed our spiritual growth. Others are in more need of solid formation in prayer, which require, as a foundation, the basic tenants of our faith...such as the Catechism of the Catholic Church.  Unfortunately, for the last 50 years + (even beyond, far beyond the Second Vatican Council) that formation has been absent.  This is one of the reasons for the Council; to answer this deprivation of formation.

The fact is this:  If we go out to serve the poor and unfortunate out of a natural desire to help them, that is a good thing. But without a foundation in Christ, it is mere secular social work and has no eternal merit for either our spiritual growth or that of those we serve.

We are not called to be Government employees;  we are called to bring souls to Salvation in Christ!  

We can't give what we don't have, and if we don't take the time for supernatural formation, then all we have to offer is the spiritual equivalent of "Gov'mint cheese and powdered milk." **

This is one of the greatest messages of the life of St. Catherine;  like Christ, she lived by example. She spent time in deep prayer, and in her extraordinary case, was supernaturally formed by God Himself.

Most of us, no matter what our Vocation, don't have the benefit of such a grace of  mystical marriage with God, but that does not excuse us from our own foundational spiritual formation in accordance with our proper state in life. At a minimum, we MUST attend Mass every Sunday and Holy Day, we MUST, if we really want to serve God, attend more often as we are able, and seek to cultivate a life of prayer. The prayer of a wife or husband is not the same as a contemplative nun or monk, and the prayer life of a child usually doesn't match that of a priest. Yet we are all called to make Our Lord the center of our lives, through the Sacraments, thorough ongoing conversation with God...without which we can NEVER attain holiness and salvation.

We, all of us, as Catholics, are called to be formed, not just for ourselves, but to go out and form others. To serve others, to be Christ to others, leaven to the world, salt of the earth. To bring loved to those who are not loved.

There are no exceptions to this. There are different callings...but no exceptions.

Who Around You Subsists on Gov'ment Cheese & Powdered Milk?

Do you even know?

Who is your brother?  Who is your sister?

Many years ago, when I was a rookie police officer, still in Field Training, I was sent to my first Death Investigation.  We were called to "check the welfare" because the person's newspapers were piling up outside his door. The landlord was present with us when he keyed in and we discovered the resident of that apartment was dead.  He'd been there for a few days....and no one noticed.

Only the newspapers piling up outside his door gave a cue only the Landlord...that something was wrong.

No one else called. Not family. Not friends.

The Landlord. The guy he paid to live in that building, in that place. And when a payment wasn't due, he wasn't noticed. Think about it:  the only person who noticed something was the person being paid to notice, and he barely knew him.

We checked the dead man's phone. Nothing on the answering machine.

This guy was invisible to everyone but his landlord, who noticed his stack of unread newspapers.

This guy is your brother, and he died alone, and it took DAYS for someone to notice.

To St. Catherine, he would not have been invisible. To St. Catherine, he would have been noticed. He would not have died alone.

If we learn anything from St. Catherine it should be that our love for our neighbor flows from our love for God, and if we do not love God, we cannot properly love our neighbor.

Look around you. Take a hint from St. Catherine, and if there are any near you who are unloved, hard to love, or invisible, reach out to them.

Maybe your effort to reach out to one soul won't change the world, but it might save a soul, or at the very least, ensure that maybe that soul won't die alone and forgotten.

St. Catherine...pray for us!  

Footnotes:
Those of you who, like me,  grew up on Commodities will understand this reference to "Gob'ment cheese and powdered milk". Outside the US...leave a comment and one of us will define.) 

Entitled

I went to a Catholic College where, as at any college or university, there was a mix of students from several states, regions, and economic statuses.  As I recall, several of us used to comment on the sometimes shocking behavior or attitudes of those students that came from the wealthier suburbs of Chicago or other cities. We often snarked that they were always being bailed out by "Mommy and Daddy", and so never held to account for anything.

Truly there were some students who seemed to have no sense of the real world, so sheltered had they been by their parents' wealth.  One famous example from my class year came from a sociology class. A somewhat heated debate was raging with regard to male and female roles in the home, and there were passions on all sides. Finally one particular girl raised her hand and when given the opportunity, stated in honest astonishment, "I don't understand what the problem is! Why don't they just have the maid do it?"

The entire class fell silent in stunned disbelief. Was she SERIOUS?

Indeed, she was.  I do believe she learned a great deal during college and while completing her required internships, etc., about the plight of the everyday life of men and women everywhere, and that most people don't have maids. Anywhere.

I am ashamed to say, however, that even as I laugh at the incident now and even somewhat nostagically recall discussions with my friends on the "spoiled brats" at my college and everywhere...well, my house is made of glass, too.

Maybe it finally shattered today. At the very least, it cracked all over and will have to be replaced.

Sure, I grew up poor and "maid" was the word Mom used when establishing her role as Mother and not servant of we messy children. And sure, I had to work my butt off to pay for college (a debt that STILL has about $5,000 left to be paid off, but let's not discuss the grad school loans that will come due in 6 months on top of that...), but even so, I have just as big a sense of entitlement as those students did.

Oh, yes, my sense of entitlement is HUGE. I don't know where it came from, but have to admit it was in place even when I went to college.  I got financial aid and loans because I EXPECTED it and decided I DESERVED it. I decided I DESERVED to go to college, then DESERVED to get a good job with my degree...and on down the line.  Losing my "dream job" early on, the one I worked so hard for, was actually as devastating as it was because of my overdeveloped sense of entitlement.

The Human Plague of Hidden Hubris

If we all truly look at ourselves, we will recognize this same hubris. Maybe the rich kids in school had their entitlement influenced by their family's money or importance or other factor. But we poor kids, well, our likewise overdeveloped sense of entitlement (and the obvious superiority I described above) arose from knowing there was money for us because of our poverty, and the mistaken sense that we were "better" because we'd learned "values" and a "work ethic" from our working-class/ impoverished families.

Just last night, and a little today, some co-workers and I were speaking of this sense of entitlement we all have, how our pride gets in the way of all the different things we think we need to control. Not just out of a proper perspective of turning out a good product, doing good work, etc., but how the outcome reflects upon US in the eyes of OTHERS.

It's very easy to fall into the trap of doing some kind of good work or advancing some kind of program not for the good of the parish or the city or the school or other group, but out of a sense of misguided Pride in ourselves.  Although we may start out with the proper intent and ends in mind, it is very easy to lose focus and continually die to ourselves.  What may have started out as a meritorious thing can quickly descend into an occasion for Pride, in which we are seeking our own glory, instead of God's.

All of us seem to think we're actually entitled to a good reputation, respect and esteem of others! 

The last time I checked, though, holiness has NOTHING to do with how we appear in the eyes of others or what they think of us.  It has nothing to do with whether we have college degrees or a big house or even whether we live in an abandoned van down by the river with seven homeless cats and a wounded bird.

Perhaps one of the first things we need to really evaluate in ourselves is our sense of entitlement, and how ingrained it is in everything we think, how we live, what we do...in every moment.  Why do we get impatient when sitting in traffic?  Entitlement. Why do we get impatient when waiting for someone to call us back?  Entitlement. Why do we become put out when someone stops by our office without an appointment when the time might be inconvenient to us?  Entitlement.  Why do we become upset when someone else wants to use the computer or the phone or the TV?   Entitlement.

The Truth is this:  we have a lot more importance in our own eyes than we do in another person's estimation of us as they evaluate priorities in the circumstances of their own lives.  The unfortunate reality of human nature is that we ALL suffer from this plague of entitlement, and we feel put-out or put-upon when someone else's own sense of entitlement happens to collide with ours, literally or figuratively.  In our own tendency to be wrapped up in our own affairs and hubris, we actually forget the virtues of justice, mercy, and humility, all bound together by charity...which reminds us that true holiness is deferring to others and remembering we are called to serve, not to BE served.

NECESSARY ASIDE: 

Fr. S. at Clerical Reform has an INCREDIBLE post on this particular facet of Pride today.  Go read it!  I have to admit I  found his post to be timely given my ponderings and realizations of the last few days, am grateful for his commentary, and would love to sit down with a cup of coffee and discuss the theological implications of this very large topic with him.  Ah, the limitations of the internet:  often human interaction is limited. But then again, who ever said we were even entitled to the internet?  More on this in a moment....

Pride in Discernment 

As I wrote this post, another point hit me pretty hard, and because I know I am not alone in facing the difficulty of vocational discernment, I have decided to bring it up as well.

I've written before of the GIFT of Vocation, that it is something unmerited, and it's something I often forget to consider as I continually seek God's will for me.  I often complain about how hard it is, how exhausting, and how much I wish I could just put it aside and just "move on" with my life.  Never mind the fact that I can't "move on" if I don't know where I'm going!

Thus, in my prayers and thoughts this afternoon, I queried, "Why do some of us struggle so much with discovering our Vocation?"

The Answer:   Entitlement.

Ouch. Oh....ouch. Ow. Bleeding profusely now, and deservedly so.

When, exactly, did I get a sense of entitlement about such a great gift as a Vocation?  And when did I lose sight of the fact that the very SEARCH for it is a HUGE grace from God?

I've been realizing, more and more, how BIG my sense of entitlement is, and it's a painful process to evaluate everything in my life, taking a look in that mirror of my own estimation in my eyes, and recognizing I've been staring at my image in a distorted circus mirror for a very long time. 

The Remedy

Everything is Grace. Everything is a personal Gift from God.

There's nothing new here, nothing I haven't seen or read or heard, and it's nothing new to you, either. 

Maybe the problem is that even though it's not new, I've become so fascinated with the circus mirror that I  never put it aside long enough to actually embrace the reality of my own lack of importance in the face of God. Now that my perspective (again, by Grace) has been changed a little, now I can internalize, maybe, the Truth.

Yes, Jesus died for me, and my struggle with accepting that comes from the same pride that makes me depend too much on myself for everything. It's that sense of entitlement, that, at its core, is whispering, "You don't NEED a Savior...you're ENTITLED to one!"

Oh, it's painful to realize this, but necessary.

If we don't put this terrible, soul-killing, disordered sense of entitlement aside, we can't ever learn to depend on God. The loving God who knows our pride and our lack of humility, but STILL chose to die on the Cross especially in the face of our hostile lack of gratitude.

I'm going to continue pondering this, for as long as it takes. It will take YEARS to root out all the tendrils of entitlement that have taken over my life, but I'd rather spend the time NOW than have it burned away from me in the purifying fires of Purgatory. Which, by the way, is yet another Mercy of God's Justice that I don't deserve and to which I am not entitled.

Everything is a gift. Every moment. Every "inconvenience", every blessing.

Thank you, Jesus.  

Amen. 

Struggling for Trust

I've written before this of Trust, and it seems the more I learn from my studies in Theology, the more I learn about God, the more I learn about myself.

Everything is a new impact.

For so many years, I was in denial about the damage done to me by my parent's divorce, by my mother's bipolar disorder, my dad's alcoholism...everything.  I've rationalized, "I turned out fine, I am a college graduate, a home owner, a taxpayer...."

Yet none of those "titles" reveals who I am, but only what I've done. It ignores the reality of my life.  It ignores the fact that my struggle in finding my Vocation is deeply rooted in what has gone WRONG...not what has gone RIGHT. Which is fitting, actually, for Our Lord did not become Incarnate for those of us who are perfect, but rather, we who are sinners and in need of His Grace.

I have thought often, and have written, if you recall, on my problems with Trust. A family as defunct as my own doesn't lead to trust...it undermines it completely. Our parents are supposed to reveal God to us, and when things go wrong, we are shown a face of God that is not true.  I loved my Dad very much, but he wasn't reliable, was too permissive in general, and didn't uphold a very clear image of God the Father to me. In fact, in many ways he was the very antithesis of God the Father.  Mom started out well, but her own disease actually undermined most of it, especially when we got older and found that although we needed our mother...she was not there. We had to make our way....alone.

One of my biggest issues with accepting Mary, the Mother of God, as my own Mother was actually deeply damaged by my Mom's "mariolotry" while I was growing up, and her own reflection of what should have been an ideal...wasn't. I could write volumes on this.

My theological studies have done a great deal to reveal to me my own damaged nature.  No longer can I turn away from the perfection God intends, no more can I deny that as much as I used to protest, I have to accept I HAVE been damaged by my upbringing, by those who were supposed to reveal the face of God to me.

To be honest to all, I have shied away from the Blessed Mother and I gaze upon Our Lord with deep mistrust. Not through will, but through ingrained instinct.  Even as I struggle to come to Him, I cringe, I hide and so often, I run away.

For months now, I've been fighting with this reality, wanting to trust God, thinking that since I am aware of what causes my mistrust, by force of my Will maybe I can finally overcome it.

What idiotic thinking. What a recipe for despair!

No wonder I have been in such a spiritual depression! No wonder I have experienced such despair! No wonder I have lost contact with Hope.

I have been holding on by only a thread...for months now.

Months.

I've been grasping at straws...finally deciding to rest on what is left, knowing my struggle will only cause me to fall further.

Yet I have had a revelation:

Yes, we are to learn about God through our parents; the Decalogue (Ten Commandments) are numbered in that way for a reason.  We see that first we owe to God what He is due, then to our parents, for they stand in for God until we can discern Him ourselves.

God is Faithful, and cannot be taken by surprise. It is of no matter to Him that my parents were not perfect copies of Him. He knew them before they were born, He knew their own struggles and what would happen in their parenthood.  How could He NOT make provisions?  Are we not all His children?

What I have come to realize is that it doesn't matter that I was damaged; the fact that I was given a deep mistrust is, in fact, my Cross to bear on this earth.  Holiness doesn't depend on my parents, but upon my own willingness and desire to cooperate with God's grace. It depends upon His Sacrifice before my own can ever enter into the reality of  this battle.

The fact that I can't rely on my mother for guidance, and was damaged by my father before he died doesn't mean that I cannot become holy. Rather, it is a gift, a very deep and personal gift, from Our Lord's Most Sacred Heart to mine.  I guess it makes sense that blood is involved, and that it continues to gush in a way that no bandage or suture can staunch.

What God has given me is an opportunity to know and love Him as He is, for who He is, without seeing Him only through my parents. He has called me directly into the depths of suffering so that I could know Him that much more clearly.

This Cross that God has given me in the end will lead to perfect trust in Him, for He is all I have. He reveals His stability, His constant mercy, His ongoing friendship, His perpetual Sacrifice, even in the face of every faltering step I take, every fall, every disaster.  Jesus is present and I don't continue to fight against my passions and the fires of Hell for anyone but for love of Him. The fire that burns in my soul, placed there through Baptism and Confirmation fueled like infused coal in Holy Communion, is far hotter and more purifying than the eternal fires of the Hell that seek to consume me in the Devil's eternal and unholy wrath.

So I thank God for this struggle, I thank Him for this Cross and I keep Him in sight as I continue to stagger through my vocational discernment and my temptations, knowing that if I only keep getting up, no matter how mortal the wound...maybe, eventually, I will find eternal life.

Not through my merit, but only through God's Grace...and my willing cooperation.

Thank you, Jesus.

I Trust in Thee....I trust in Thee....Lord Help me, I'm trying....to trust in Thee...

Pondering the Wound of Charity

For a couple weeks now I've been thinking about love, and by that term, I mean Charity. This comes partially from my Moral Theology class regarding the Theological Virtue of Charity, and partially from my own musings over time on the Passion of Our Lord.

It should go without saying that when I look upon the Crucifix, I see love in its most pure form. There, in that moment, is contained....EVERYTHING. Even I, in my utter insignificance and desolation am caught up and drawn in to those Holy Wounds, becoming even less so that He can be revealed as more.

While attending a talk, some of the words of the priest who was speaking struck me and caused my "contemplative" side to make a connection. Nothing new or interesting, but only one of those little arrows from God that we all experience from time to time, when a teaching is suddenly internalized.

REAL Charity Wounds

I considered how real Charity creates a wound, a blessed wound that continually bleeds in such a way that it can't be staunched. This is not a "mushy" love, but rather, a type of pain not held inward, but expressed outwardly, like the very gush of arterial blood. It can't be contained. Yet the more it gushes, instead of causing mortal death, it rather is the very expression of the font of life.

Every so often I feel that blessed wound, and know that it has changed me. At times the bleeding is only a trickle. At times I staunch the wound myself with my sin, cutting myself off, refusing to serve the Lord. I let the blood flow clot, I wrap it up and I turn away.

It is only through the Sacrament of Confession that I bring that bandage in to be removed, for through God's grace, He reminds me of His own deep love for me, prompting me to realize that I cannot stop this flow and SHOULD not, for by bleeding, my own blood is united with that of Jesus.

I go to Confession and reveal this encrusted, infected bandage, this terrible blockage, this monstrous clot to the priest, who removes it gently and tells me how to let this blood of Charity flow more perfectly, how to, through this wonderful wound, unite myself to the eternal Word who waits only for me to stop placing obstacles in His way.

For when my blood, in this sense, flows, it is truly His, not mine. This wound that in life would be mortal death, in the Spirit, belongs to the mystical nature of our supernatural relationship with our Beloved Savior.

As He suffered and died, so are we all called to do, according to His Most Holy and Divine Will. Not on the natural plane, but the supernatural.

Purity of Love

I have been pondering my own dedication to Jesus, the purity of my love for Him. I have such a devotion to His Passion, and prefer to look upon the bloodiest of crucifixes to remind myself of the blood He shed...for me. I have a hard time accepting that very personal sacrifice, that it was done for ME.

In all honesty, I have a hard time considering that ANYONE would die for me, for I don't think I am worth such a sacrifice. I get caught up in looking at my nothingness, my sins of omission, my lack of importance in the world. Why would ANYONE think my life would be worth THAT sacrifice??? What a waste!

I find it hard to believe anyone would find ME worth dying for. If they were pondering it, I'd stop them and put my own head into the noose, or point the deadly scimitar to my own heart.

In my Pride, I wouldn't let anyone die for me so personally, for if I ever met someone so magnanimous, I would want them to live for they could contribute so much more to the world than me. Someone so brave is worth far more than me. It is I who should go...not them. In fact, I've experienced this, in part...a story for another post.

In any case, I didn't have a choice in the Sacrifice of Christ, did I? So I realize in that thought process that I think as Man thinks, not as God thinks. The God who called me out of eternity, through love and into being, continues to hold me in existence, and in fact, DIED for me on the Cross! In spite of who I am and who I am not.

The more I ponder the Cross, the more I love God, the more I understand the necessity of sacrifice, the more I expect the "curse" of suffering. For in order to be conformed to Christ, we have to suffer and become the Accursed ourselves.

Why Do I Love?

My own Love, my own Charity is imperfect.

The other night, while praying Compline before bed, I gazed upon the Crucifix and upon my picture of Jesus in His Agony. His love for US isn't in question. His very personal love for ME isn't put to the test; it has been clearly defined.

Rather, I considered the hierarchical nature of creation, of the Church, of love itself, and how God's own love begets love. We return to Him what He gives us, and the more we return, the more we grow. The more we allow to flow through us, the more we are given. The font of charity never decreases, but only becomes greater, even if it were to flood the world, it would not be enough.

I looked upon Our Lord and wondered: Do I love Him ONLY because of what He did for me? Is my love for Jesus dependent upon His Sacrifice on my behalf? If so, then it means I only love Him for what He has done for me. It means that my litmus test for God is, "What have you done for me lately"?

Do I love Jesus ONLY for what He did for my Benefit?

Can that be accurate? If so....how SELFISH!

I had to seriously consider that. Am I in love with Jesus just because He is the ONLY one who would ever die for me?

If so...my love is conditional. My love is based ONLY upon something that He DID...not who He IS.

That ISN'T love. Love isn't selfish.

I had to ask myself: if Jesus had NOT died upon the Cross for me, would I still love God? Or would I be selfishly looking for benefits of knowing Him?

Where is my focus? Am I just "receiving" or am I willing to GIVE?

Am I bleeding freely in union with Christ...or am I placing a barrier between my own personal sacrifice and anyone who might benefit from my immolation?

When I look back at the Prophets, at the great Women of Israel; they operated on Faith. They loved God not for what He DID for them, but for Who He IS. Even the Prophets, BEFORE they knew God, loved Him. Before they were privy to the Divine Processions...loved God in a particular purity of heart and intention. They knew the Mystery and loved because they recognized God was worthy of their Love...even before the Sacrifice.

The recognized God, they loved Him, and they poured their ENTIRE BEING out for Him on behalf of their people. It was THEIR sacrifice that preceeded HIS. It was THEIR Sacrifice that was proleptic of HIS and in fact, it was HIS Sacrifice that made theirs both meaningful and possible.

It was their FAITH expressed through WORKS that called down God's Justice. They raised their souls to Him and let their blood flow in a fountain we recognize even today. They sacrificed themselves in divine Charity, Hoping in what they could not see, having Faith in what they did not experience.

That wound of charity, that wound that comes only through the love of Christ Himself, binds mystically as it flows.

It is no wonder this doesn't make sense to the natural world, for it seems oppositional. Yet it is, as we read in the Gospels, that we lose what we try to gain and gain what we are willing to lose.

I realize that I do not love Jesus as I ought. I recognize that my love for Him is conditional, for my blood does not flow freely. I keep bandages on hand so I can stop the arterial rush when it becomes too much for me. I reserve that flow for my own desires, rather than trusting in God. In my imperfection, as that blood overflows, I don't recognize it as grace, but as my life leaving my control and so I grasp even at impure wrappings to slow it all down.

I do not love God as I ought. I have been deeply wounded by the Charity of Our Lord, but instead of letting the blood flow from me as it did from His wounds and His side, I bind it up in fear and trepidation.

Oh, that Jesus would rip those bandages away and force me to hold my hands outward so that His love could overflow!

Why, oh WHY can I not TRUST in His Divine Salvation?

Why, oh Why do I try to staunch the wound given to me through His Love?

Why, oh Why, can I not love as I ought, and why do I attach conditions upon what I am willing to give in spite of what has been so freely given?

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

"Holy Love" is not Holy and is not Love

I LOVE THE SMELL OF HERESY IN THE MORNING!!!

This morning I woke up to find out that a representative of "Holy Love" had left a treatise in how to defect from the Church in my combox. The basic argument was of course, not logical, but in the subtle slithering tones common to serpents, and with a scent of sulpher, this little combox infestation suggested that perhaps the Bishop was wrong (Like the Pharisees at the time of Christ) and that I should cast my lot with "Holy Love" if I had any concern for my eternal salvation.

And in childish, squirmy lack of logic seeking a loophole, ANY loophole, this sulpher-scented commenter said that praying is a right and we can pray ANYWHERE! (Can't you just hear the petulance, see the bottom lip drooping and the contrived threat of tears just before the all-out-screaming-rolling-on-the-floor-kicking Tantrum starts?)

People, do NOT be taken in by the argument "Holy Love" is trying to put forth. They are trying to encourage that you cast your lot in with the messages and the messenger, as opposed to the Church that was born out of the side of Jesus Christ. They are trying to make you think that if you are obedient to the Bishop, then you are putting your salvation at risk!

WHAT LIES! Do NOT listen to such lies!

Remember that we are charged with avoiding false prophets, we are charged with holding fast to Christ, and that Jesus HIMSELF gave us the Church as our Mother! Let us remember what Jesus said to Peter:

Matthew 16:17-19: And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

That, my friends is authentic DIVINE REVELATION. That comes from Our Lord. But what "Holy Love" wants you to believe is that, contrary to His Word, He has abandoned the Church He established, and the Bishops who speak for Him through Apostolic Succession in their action of the Ordinary Magisterium. "Holy Love" is clearly stating that the Catholic Church is no longer the Bride of Christ. They would probably deny that charge, but in the suggestion we not listen to the Bishop in favor of listening to and putting our Faith in the messages, well, that is prima facie evidence of their position that the Holy Spirit, and therefore Christ, has abandoned His Spouse, the Church.

I'd like to know where, in our entire history of Scripture and Tradition that Jesus stated that He'd be an adulterous spouse and leave the Church to the wolves, start speaking through some obscure lady and invent new doctrines through her? Will someone please find that prophecy for me? Otherwise, I'd say that Matthew 16 and all of Scripture and Tradition hold up to scrutiny...but "Holy Love" does not.

On Private Revelation and how it's Judged:

The litmus test for ANY visionary or message is: obedience. I am FASCINATED that this woman is claiming messages from Padre Pio and St. Catherine of Siena, two very very humble, obedient Saints. If this woman really IS channeling Padre Pio, well, he'd have slapped her silly by now for her disobedience. As I recall, when he was censured, he was immediately obedient. Not only in all of his actions and intent, but in ORDERING others to be obedient as well!

We see just the opposite at "Holy Love", don't we? The most recent "messages" are clearly written in anger, in angst at a falling empire and speaking harshly against the authority of the Bishop, desperately trying to make people believe it is the messenger and messages that are authentic, not the Bishop. BY THESE FRUITS YOU SHOULD RECOGNIZE SATAN!

Recall that humility and obedience calls down Our Lord to us! Recall that Eve fell through disobedience, and Mary untied the knot of disobedience through her own obedience! Recall that at the foot of the Cross, Jesus gave Mary to us as Our Mother, and moments later, after He had died his side was pierced by a spear; blood and water poured out. Mary is the figure of the Church; The Church is the Bride of Christ the Bridegroom. The Church is our Mother! And, my friends, the Bishops are a part of us as the Bride of Christ, the Mystical Body.

Why is "Holy Love" trying to tear the Mystical Body apart? Does Holiness and Charity rend a Body to pieces? How can they speak against abortion while tearing the Mystical Body to pieces in the same way?

Jesus and Mary speak authentically through our Bishops. Not through malicious visionaries speaking pretty words and pushing a few authentic doctrines just to make herself appear to be Catholic.

Remember that even apparitions that have been approved are not necessary for salvation. There will be no new Revelation. The Bible has been established; Tradition is in place. We need nothing more than to hold to original Truth.

Please read the 1978 document from the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith on Apparition Discernment. Some of the text is pasted below:

I. Criteria of judgement, concerning the probability at least, of the character of the apparitions and supposed revelations.

A) Positive criteria:

a) Moral certainty, or at least great probability, as to the existence of the fact, [revelation] acquired at the end of a serious investigation.

b) Particular circumstances relating to the existence and the nature of the fact:

1. Personal qualities of the subject—in particular mental balance, honesty and rectitude of moral life, habitual sincerity and docility towards ecclesiastical authority, ability to return to the normal manner of a life of faith, etc.

2. With regard to the revelations, their conformity with theological doctrines and their spiritual veracity, their exemption from all error.

B) Negative criteria:

A glaring error as to the facts.

b) Doctrinal errors that one would attribute to God himself, or to the Blessed Virgin Mary, or the Holy Spirit in their manifestations (taking into account, however, the possibility that the subject may add something by their own activity—even if this is done unconsciously—of some purely human elements to an authentic supernatural revelation, these having nevertheless to remain free from any error in the natural order. Cf. St Ignatius, Spiritual Exercises, n. 336).

Read the entire Document. It's very clear that "Holy Love" does not hold up.

In fact, it's ANYTHING but Holy and has NOTHING to do with authentic Love. In fact...it is persecuting the Church of Christ and all of we who remain here, staunchly supporting recognized and legitimate authority which has authentically and lawfully spoken...for Christ.

Everyone, remember to pray for Bishop Lennon. If we're getting backlash in our blogs, imagine how he, the author of the Decree, must be suffering attacks from his own rabid sheep.

More Links:

Condemned Apparition Goes Spastic **** Te Deum - GREAT commentary on this!

Diabolical

Ecclesial Condemnation of Holy Love

Diabolical!

Holy Love Ministries condemns itself through outright DISOBEDIENCE to the Authority of the Church, which speaks in the voice of Christ. Here is the message, the private revelation CLAIMING to be Jesus Christ: (Note that the red bold is my commentary):

November 13, 2009
Friday - For all those falsely accused within society,
governments and within Church circles; that all calumnies are exposed by truth.

Jesus is here with His Heart exposed. He says: "I am your Jesus, born Incarnate."{For the oblivious: This title contradicts theology: He was made Incarnate at CONCEPTION, not BIRTH. HERESY!!!}

"My brothers and sisters, tonight confusion may have entered your hearts concerning certain statements from the diocese. I have come to ask you some questions to help you to think like citizens of Heaven, not of earth." {Then why is "Jesus" speaking in careful "legalese"? Isn't He above all that? I seem to recall several scripture passages where he directly cited people and condemned them in very strong language.}

"Does it not say in Scripture,
'You should not stifle the Spirit' (1 Thess 5:19). Did I not state in Scripture,
'Where two or more are gathered in prayer, there I am in their midst (Mt
18:20)." {These passages have nothing to do with each other, and ignore the importance of testing the Spirits and avoiding what is not True. That's an inconvenient teaching in this case. Hint: Jesus doesn't cobble things together in an attempt to distract.}

"My brothers and sisters, you must not place OFFICE and
AUTHORITY and TITLE above the TRUTH." {"Jesus also said in Matthew 16:17-19: And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." }

"Tonight I am blessing you with My
Blessing of Divine Love."

I just love how she takes scripture out of context. You know, so did Satan when he tempted Christ. We are to discern the spirits, we are to test them. And our litmus test ought to be obedience to known authority, which is the local Ordinary, speaking for the Church, and thus, for Christ Himself. I'll listen to those who speak for Peter, who was given that authority by Christ, thanks.

My friends, the person offering these messages ISN'T speaking for Christ, and the above message is definitive PROOF!

I met someone this weekend who has been there and continues to support it. He will be obedient to the Bishop but clearly stated the Bishop got it wrong because apparently this woman is preaching certain things that ARE in line with the Church. But as Hamlet said, "The devil hath power t' assume a pretty face", and so that evil slithering beast has: in the form of Holy Love Ministries, which is NOW formally leading people astray in an "IN YOUR FACE!" message to the Magisterial Authority of the Church.

Let it be very very clear: we know the true spirit of any message that tells us to disobey legitimate authority. I direct you to St. Faustina. She agonized because Jesus told her to do one thing, and when she went to her Superior, her Superior forbade her from acting on what Jesus had directed her to do. St. Faustina returned to Jesus and confessed her obedience to her Superior. Jesus revealed in that moment that what she did was right, for it was a test of her obedience; she was vowed to obey legitimate authority, and the voice of her Superior was truly the voice of Christ.

It may be argued that some Saints in the past who received private revelations had some that were problematic or did not come true, and still, they are Saints. However, they were not canonized on the basis of the messages, but on their holiness, including their obedience to God AND the authority He established here on earth. Our Lord speaks through the Magisterial authority of the Church, and THAT is what we are bound to obey.

Not some chick who created a pretty place and brainwashed a bunch of people in order to push her own agenda. Outright disobedience and encouraging disobedience is NOT a sign of holiness! It is a sign of something Satanic.

What is going on at Holy Love is a complete scandal and I hope people choose obedience to authentic authority and not some "visionary" with nonsensical authority but a pretty place. Please pray for the woman claiming to be receiving these messages, and all those souls she is leading astray.

{SELF-CORRECTION: Holy Love is NOT under a "Catholic" heading as the Bishop already decreed that they are in formal Schism and advised they cannot function under the "Catholic" title, no matter how many Catholic doctrines or practices they promote. (From May, 1996) The Decree from November 9, 2009, a few days ago, is directed towards the Faithful, to include both clergy and laity.}

Lord, have mercy on us all and deliver us from such false "revelations"!

More info on "Holy Love" which is decidedly less than holy:

Evaluation on the messages part I

Evaluation Part II

Blessed Other by Laura Putre - lots of good info on the fraud being perpetuated. (As a former fraud investigator...can't believe this woman has taken her little spiritual empire so far.) How can otherwise-faithful Catholics be SO mislead? Do they switch their brains off? Their powers of observation?

Pray for Sweeny-Kyle's soul...Pray for all those who choose to follow her, especially now that the site has been condemned formally by the Bishop.

And if you are tempted to disobey the Bishop...consider your eternal salvation and that of ANYONE you mislead through the scandal you cause.

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DISCLAIMER: I'm not anti-private-revelation. In fact, I LOVE St. Catherine of Siena's Dialogues. But then again, she didn't invent a "six-chambered heart", but rather, through supernatural knowledge had an understanding of Catholic doctrine and theology which she had not been taught. Sweeny-Kyle, on the other hand, has made up her own theology and it COMPLETELY differs from ALL the Catholic spiritual masters and Doctors of the Church.

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Notice: "Anonymous" comments will be deleted without recognition or response. If you have something to say, attach a name or initials to it. The combox form allows you to do this without linking to a website, and it will show up at the top of your comment. This avoids confusion. Thank you.

Rocky Soil, Virtues and Sin

This last summer when I went out to Connecticut to visit a religious community or two, I fell in love with the countryside we passed through. The roads of that New England state have no shoulders and stone walls were everywhere.

It actually made me want to get on a horse and see how many stone walls we could leap, but I digress. (And I neither have a horse nor have ever formally learned to jump. Informally, though... heh heh...)

Although of course I'd seen many pictures of our Eastern states throughout my life and recall from early elementary school a discussion on the rocky soil that contributed to the hard life of the pilgrims, I admit I never really gave any thought as to how the land itself ends up forming the "character" of certain places. Sure, it should be obvious, so I'll admit to my shallowness here and now.

A few days ago a co-worker and I were discussing the characteristics of the narrow roads and stone walls, and she told her own stories arising from having lived there for some years.

She described how each spring they would go into the garden (or fields, for some!) and "pick rocks". The previous fall when the harvest was in, the soil would be spotless, but for the remnants of plants, stalks, anything. She always thought, "Oh, that's so nice, next spring we'll just have to till it and plant!"

Then spring came around, and where only a few months before there had been nothing but soft, welcoming soil, now there would be a huge boulder! Many huge boulders, in fact!

And so they would heave-ho right back to work, picking barrels and barrels of rocks from the fields, once again. This, she said, is why there are so many stone walls; they will continue to be built as long as the earth continues to heave up the rocks she contains. It's simply a part of life out there, for if they do not set to work to eradicate the rocks on a regular basis, the growing season would be wasted, the fertility of the ground useless without the requisite labor to make it fruitful.

Virtues and Vice

This semester we are studying Moral Theology, which, of course, involves a close study of the Virtues. (So far we haven't discussed Vice...thank God. I don't think I can handle that yet!).

Virtues have to be cultivated. We can't just rest on maybe what we've done before, thinking, "Oh, I'm more patient now than I was six months ago, so now I have that virtue."

We can never rest. As soon as we work to obtain a virtue, we find that all the habits we've developed over time block us. Maybe we have a habit of impatience, or intemperence, or something else. When we put the spotlight on a particular virtue, we so often realize that we don't have it because we haven't worked on it, or perhaps we've directly worked against it!

To use the metaphor of the rocky fields, we find that, each time we try to refocus anew on growing in holiness, in obtaining virtues, we have an awful lot of rocks to heave out of the way! It's hard labor, not an easy process, for it involves doing something contrary to the habits we've cultivated, perhaps over years.

Oh, and some of those habits might require a backhoe and a team of neighbors to completely unearth!

Growing in Holiness Involves Massive Labor

The road is rocky, the soil seems to be nothing but boulders. But below that, if we work diligently, and with fortitude (another virtue!), and persevere (!), we will finally reach that fertile soil and may find a few other things coming together as well. All of the virtues are linked in some way, so if we focus on one, it affects the others. And the more we grow in virtue, the fewer BIG sins we seem to find, although with them out of the way we can more easily spot the smaller ones which also inhibit growth.

This, though is where the metaphor departs, for just as one can't rest on one's laurels when one facet of the job is done, well, there's always more toil awaiting.

We can see, in a garden, the results of our labors. We can watch plants grow, we can observe the flowers budding and bursting forth. We can pick the raspberries, the tomatoes, dig the potatoes, etc. We can SEE results and enjoy them. Although it still involves a certain labor of love to water the garden and pull up weeds, we are encouraged to continue this because of what we observe arising from the ground; the fruits of our toil.

It is not so with virtues; the more we grow in holiness, the more we grow in attention to detail to our true spiritual state. We don't "see" our own progress in quite the same way, and the very moment we think we can say we have a particular virtue, we can be certain that, in fact, we do not.

That is not to say we can't notice that maybe we've progressed some; I mean this only as a caution. For example, if I were to announce that I've acquired the virtue of humility, finally, at long last...well...Oh, I can hear ALL my readers laughing at that one! To make such an announcement would be the antithesis of humility! Agreed?

And so, my friends, I don't know about you, but I've got a HUGE field of rocks in front of me, and if I don't start picking, I'll never be able to plant, and God will have nothing to harvest when He calls. I just have to figure out where to start, which Virtue to choose....and I think I'll go get rid of that big boulder right....there.

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FYI: The other day Fr. S. at Clerical Reform posted on this general topic and included, in answer to a request, an Examination of Conscience based on the Theological Virtues. I found it to be very helpful when I went to Confession yesterday morning, especially in that it includes some great advice from St. Ignatius of Loyola.

I hope it will be helpful for you, too.

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The Heart of Christ

This morning I pulled out the next book of the Liturgy of the Hours so that I would remember to begin using it tomorrow, Ash Wednesday.  

I opened it up and happened immediately upon a holy card; a picture of the Divine Child Jesus holding out His Sacred Heart in a gesture of offering.

It stopped me.  There He was…offering me His heart.  He does that every day. It made me think of the miracle of Lanciano, where the Holy Eucharist turned into flesh, which was studied and found to be cardiac muscle.  That is…heart muscle.

Do you realize what that means?  That every time we receive Holy Communion, we are taking the very heart of Christ into ourselves!  We are taking in the offering of love, symbolized by the heart itself…Himself.  Jesus gives Himself to us, fully. The source of blood, the source of life...the heart symbolizes all life, and it overflows with life, that WE might live.

What do we give Him in return?

I find it no coincidence that this image and these connections have been in my mind today - Shrove Tuesday. A day to examine ourselves and determine what we’re holding back from God.

Lent is a time to recognize what Our Lord has done for us, and see if somehow, we can take another step, offer more of ourselves to Him, or offer EVERYTHING to Him, just as He did for us. 

Jesus offers His very heart; are we willing to trust Him enough to offer our own, without reserve?  Completely abandoning ourselves to Him?

A phrase that has been going through my mind a lot of late is from John Paul II’s address to the youth at WYD 2000: 

 It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness. He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is he who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle...

And I think to myself…what ARE my most genuine choices?  My choices to sin? Or my choices that bring me closer to God?  To what end am I, as a human being, an adopted daughter of the King, directed?

What is my heart’s desire?  Really?

We can answer those questions during Lent. We can enter this desert, and perhaps allow Our Lord to reveal His heart to us…for us.  And maybe then, only then, will we be able to understand that what we truly, genuinely desire, is what He also desires for us.

Vespers this evening calls us to remember we are children, for in that innocence we will find Our Lord waiting.  Given the way I started my day, and the prayerful thoughts that have come to me throughout the various hours, I find that the Psalm-prayer and Antiphon are no mistake, but words to complete a little square in the quilt God has so artistically placed to represent His lesson for me today:

Psalm-prayer:

Lord Jesus, gentle and humble of heart, you declared that whoever receives a little child in your name receives you, and you promised your kingdom to those who are like children. Never let pride reign in our hearts, but may the Father's compassion reward and embrace all who willingly bear your gentle yoke.

Ant.  Unless you acquire the heart of a child, you cannot enter the kingdom of God. 

How do we acquire the heart of  a child?

All too often, we can't. We've forgotten what it's like to have such trust, such devotion, such abandonment.

So Christ offers us His own heart, seeing our deprivation, and unable, in His innocence, in His love, to allow us to be so impoverished.  In His Divine Childhood, he approaches us and gives us His most valuable possession..and asks us to make Him ours.

Because our hearts are stone, He comes to us gently, and offers us His own heart, beating furiously with the fire of love for us, and asks us to take it into ourselves, and share in His own Divine Life. 

Today, Jesus offers us His heart. How can we look into the joyful and trusting face of the Divine Child and refuse His selfless gift?  How can we fail to respond by offering our own?

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Lord Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner. 

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Faults

I'm a complete ditz.

That actually used to be my reputation, back around my college years. Even before. No one ever called me "dumb" because they didn't think that; just a bit air-headed. And yes, I was. Some of that was just being young and running around looking at the world with stars in my eyes. We all did that to some degree, even if not in such a loud dramatic way.

I'll never forget my first review at the psych facility, where I worked with children and adolescents. I rarely saw my assigned Supervisor as I worked a different shift, and wondered how my first review would go. It was nerve-wracking, as this really was my first job. Yes, I'd been a lifeguard, and I'd taught after-school enrichment classes for elementary students, I'd worked a few years in a community-based child care and as a chaperone. But the psych facility...that actually MEANT something for my future.

So I went into the review, and sat down with Ruth. She had a file in front of her and went over some things, asked a few questions, and then was very candid. She told me that when I'd first started, she wasn't at ALL sure about me because...and here she hesitated...I seemed like such a ditz.

I remember cringing in my seat but striving to retain an impassive expression; she was right.

But then she said that she'd also seen my reports, the reports of other staff, and how I handled things on the unit, especially with regard to the frequent crises that happened. And she told me, "So whatever you're doing, but keep doing it...it works!"

And she also gave me the advice to be more "self-aware", which she didn't need to define; I too often let my temper show, and then, as now, I wore my heart on my sleeve.

Growing Up

Somehow, over time, I've become less and less of a ditz. At least...outwardly. One of my nicknames in high school and into college from someone who knew me well was "Giggles".

Yes, I'm quite embarassed by that. Of course THEY loved it and just adored the lovely color of red my face would turn when they called me by that name. But it was a term of endearment, even as it called out to one of my flaws.

How many of us have or had nicknames that arose out of not our perfections, but our flaws?

To this day, I still carry the traits that used to be obvious, but maturity has forced them into hiding. They haven't gone away; I'm still a ditz. I'm still clueless.

Back when I was in Law Enforcement, one of my FTO's observed that I did seem to have a gift of having sudden, complete, intense focus. But it took nothing at all to destroy that focus. One commented that my ability to focus like that could save someone's life one day (he tended to be the positive one).

And so, I can manage to be observant and not entirely oblivious ALL the time, but it's very easy for me to become distracted and lose focus. I can look directly at a situation and not see a problem, only to learn later on there was something OBVIOUS going on.

I can be completely in tears with empathy in one moment, and the next, entirely miss what's really going on.

Because of this flaw, I know I've unwittingly been rude to a lot of people. And I have to wonder; would I rather be thought of as rude, or a complete dimwit?

Beating Ourselves Up

All of us have our lost moments, without exception. We do stupid things, we get wrapped up in ourselves and miss what we're supposed to be seeing. We are maybe not feeling well so facts aren't penetrating our minds. There are a thousand things that can cause us to miss what is before our eyes. Or it could just be our flaws.

We tend to know our flaws, and when they come to our attention, usually through our own realization too late to make amends, we beat ourselves up. Or if we realize it in the moment, we end up destroying it by trying to backpeddle and re-do it. Sometimes it's best to just move on.

Usually the "offended" parties notice our faux pas and have already moved on, either because they know us and expect our flaws, or have decided it's nothing to worry about. People can see the difference between intent and oblivity.

So it happens that we are often long forgiven by the time we even realize we've been cause for offense.

The very fact that we are proleptically forgiven for being ourselves should be cause for humility, for we don't ever deserve such consideration. And yet, there it is.

We all have friends and family members we dearly love even as we see their faults in full relief. It's part of who they are and it's what makes them...well...them. It would be wonderful if some habits would go away, but because maybe that will never happen, we accept the little things and love others in spite of annoyances.

When we lose our loved ones, often what we remember and love most were the things that bothered us.

Maybe, when we are silently berating ourselves for minor offences, although we should learn and try not to repeat them, we should also try to keep them in perspective and understand what is a pea in a tower of quilts to us is nothing but a forgotten moment to others.