Worth the Price?

Today at Mass, on the Solemnity of Corpus Christi, Father pointed to the crucifix, established just above the tabernacle, speaking of the Body and Blood of Christ, proclaiming, "Jesus sacrificed Himself on the Cross for you because He thought you were worth it."

That phrase reverberated right from my mind to my heart and straight to my soul...and back. Over and over again.

"Jesus sacrificed Himself on the Cross for you because He thought you were worth it."

Jesus sacrificed Himself...for me....because He thought...I...was worth it?

Forgive me, but I really do have a difficult time getting my mind around this. I know that I love Jesus, I know that Jesus died for me, I believe that fully, and I even believe it's personal. But it's still that last part that I can't seem to really grasp.

I want to say that I'm NOT worth it. Not one bit. Not even close. That's different than saying I merit it or don't merit it; we all know that none of us merits such a gift of salvation. For some reason, though, today that phrase really hit me hard.

Jesus thought I was worth it. I gazed at the crucifix suspended above us, unable to tear my eyes away. Jesus thought I was worth THAT. Because, had He not thought I was worth it, He wouldn't have done it. The reality was right there in front of me.

One of our essay questions for this last class dealt with the beatific vision; that Jesus Christ had that eternal and all-knowing vision, that knowledge of each and every one of us, before and even at His conception. Jesus has always known us each individually. When He became Incarnate at His conception, He knew us. And when He sweated blood in his Agony in the Garden, He saw us, the good and the bad, loved us...and decided that we, as individuals, were worth it. He would have gone to the Cross if only ONE of us had been created.

So maybe it's the information I've absorbed throughout this semester that disposed me today, or maybe it was just a pure gift of Grace, another unmerited gift. We often pray, "Lord, I am not worthy..." and indeed, that is the proper disposition of our hearts, because we have to realize that nothing we can do can make us worthy of such suffering, such a sacrifice.

But our Lord looked upon each and every one of us, and He decided that indeed, we were worth it. It was His decision to die for us, His judgment that we were worthy.

But far from instilling a sense of pride in me, it has instilled a deep sense of ...awe. Because when I consider my life and the choices I've made and those I make every day, I can't honestly look at the Cross and think that I am worth THAT. I'm not worthy of such a price. No one should die for me...especially God Himself.

And yet...He did, for it did not end with His suffering and death.

At Communion the choir sang my favorite hymn...can you guess? Adoro Te Devote. They began in English and I read the words, completely undone. It was perfect...the words I could fully understand as I prepared my heart to receive Jesus...and the Latin to aid my gratitude as I moved forward and then returned to my pew to pray. It doesn't happen often anymore, but it did today...I couldn't stop the tears, and they were tears of gratitude and amazement that Jesus would make such a sacrifice for me...because He thought I was worth it.

I can't see my own worth in God's eyes. I can only see my lack of worth through my own.

Thank God that He is in charge, that the sacrifice of the Lamb was not given into my hands, for I would never have allowed Jesus to go to the Cross for me. I would have damned myself to the eternal lake of fire rather than allow such a scandal. But the decision belonged to Christ alone...and He decided that we, personally and individually, were worth it.

Jesus went to the Cross...because HE decided I was worth it.

Thank you, Jesus.

My gratitude is too profound for words, and even tears will never convey what was finally revealed to me this morning at Mass.

Just a few bits'n'pieces of life...

First off, mantilla twitch to Happy Catholic for the link revealing that the Top 10 of each category at the 2007 Catholic Blog awards has been posted. And I'm amazed to report that I'm number 8 in the "Most Spiritual Blog" category. Wow! Thanks for all of you who voted me that far!

Voting closes on Monday, March 17 at Noon (and I don't think that "noon" is fluid according to consecutive time zones) so vote early if you haven't voted already.

Moving on....

This week I took the Spiritual Gifts and Charisms test through the Catherine of Siena Institute. When I began taking the test, having marked a great number of "0's" (on a scale marked 0-3), well, I actually became a bit concerned. "Oh my goodness, I'm completely USELESS to God!"

But as it turned out, apparently I do have some usefulness and apparently the Holy Spirit had not actually forgotten about me...he just wanted me to remember humility first. That's OK. I can always use more humility. (Incidentally, "humility" was not tested as a gift or charism...I shudder to consider the result if it was!).

There were no real surprises, although I was a little concerned to see "mercy" ranked very low. I have not gone back to read those questions, and hope to avoid that temptation so that I can take the test again at some point and not remember anything specific. The less I can remember of the test, the more honest my answers will be the next time I take it.

Oh, and not surprisingly...the vast majority of my current job duties are actually very low when it comes to spiritual gifts. And practical gifts for that matter. More and more, I'm convinced that God has brought me into my current position for a few very simple reasons:

1. Last winter/spring, I begged God to have mercy on me and let me "start over." Done. I am "starting over", all the way back to elementary school! And middle school at the same time, and I get to experience Confirmation vicariously. None of this is coincidence.

2. God has brought me into my weakest areas, for reasons known to Him alone. Maybe because, since I am completely helpless with the vast majority of tasks I have to handle, God is MORE glorified because if something goes well, I can't claim a single bit of the credit.

3. God has a sense of humor.

I do not see myself remaining in my current position for long. It's not where I'm truly called, but for the meantime only. And I accept that. Yet it's not my future, and this frustrates me. What do any of us want, but to know where we really belong? To use all of our gifts, whether our practical everyday talents or the spiritual gifts/charisms God grants us? And when we're stuck, we can't help but feel the chafing as we strain to run to something better.

But that's what it's all about; God can't give us what He intends until we are ready to receive it. All too often, He has to spend time preparing us in some way, because even though we might not want to do something, it is a necessary skill that will be required later in order to complete the mission the Lord has assigned to us.

So far, much of this week has been about surrender to God, and in that department, I'm failing miserably. A friend of mine even observed this week what she has witnessed of me, and this friend has, between her spiritual gifts and natural aptitude, the ability to read people fairly accurately. And she completely nailed me. I could do nothing but own up to it, affirming what she saw. Because I saw it, too, although not so concisely. She didn't intend it to be so, but her assessment was brutal, and I deserved it, and NEEDED it.

Her biggest critique...I haven't surrendered to God. I'm in an almightly power struggle against the Almighty, and against myself. She doesn't know what the struggle is about, exactly, nor do I, really. But I do know that this battle has been ongoing and I will be eternally grateful for God's infinite patience.

But there's another thing that came up this week, and in this I request your prayers. I can't say too much, and I won't. But as I learned last semester in class, God does not reveal sin without revealing His Mercy. As we all know, God's Mercy covers EVERY sin, ours, and those of others. He sees everything. He knows all, and in knowing all, there is His mercy.

This week an issue at work dredged up an old memory, something that occasionally comes to mind but which I push aside, either as unimportant, "over with" or even as too uncomfortable to consider. Yet the issue at work made me face it and consider consequences not just to myself, but to others in the same situation, and how to handle it. How it SHOULD be handled. And how my own little secret memory from so long ago has in fact influenced who I am today and why my life took the course that it did.

It has revealed God's mercy to me; it has helped me understand His patience with me as I've come to see that some of my decisions in life were not necessarily mine. It is not an avoidance of culpability in willful sin, but rather, has opened my eyes to see why I need to accept His Mercy, and be more merciful to others. None of us will ever see what God sees, none of us will ever understand what God understands.

None of us will ever bleed for another as much as Jesus has bled for us, knowing full well our true hearts. Because when He bled en route to Calvary and from the cross, upon the whole world, He took our own hearts with Him, so that we could bleed in unison. He shed His own blood...but He did it in order to unite us with Him for eternity.

I need to pray about what came to my attention this week, and determine what to do with it, and when. The revelations that accompanied the memory are important for my own spiritual growth, for my own self-knowledge. So while it's a bit uncomfortable, I am grateful to God for revealing these things so that, ultimately, I can come even a bit closer to Him.

Maybe Lent isn't such a failure for me this year!

Bloody Crucifix

Cathy has a great series of interesting posts on the Cross, and as a result I find that I must offer some thoughts on this subject as well.

Lent is the perfect time to regard the Cross, with or without a corpus, whether we are following the Carmelite tradition of placing ourselves upon that cross to unite ourselves with the suffering of Christ, or whether we need to be faced with His extreme suffering on our behalf. (Please note: I mentioned the Carmelite tradition as they follow a very austere life and thus their cross is not representative of the Resurrection, but rather is its own spirituality of suffering taken on by each soul. Thus their "corpus" is still present.) As Cathy points out in her posts, for the rest of us, we as Catholics need to see the corpus of Christ on the cross, for there is no Easter Sunday without a Good Friday. I would like to take this theme a little further, however.

When I lived in Mexico, although I never attended Mass there (which I will forever regret as long as I live), I went to a lot of churches. And in many of them one can find Jesus laid out as though in a tomb, but covered by glass. There were prie-dieus (kneelers) so that the faithful could kneel and meditate upon their Savior, focusing on His terrible wounds. He was bloody, he was bruised, and He was a horror to behold.

I was fascinated, of course, although not at the spiritual level that this was meant to prompt. Thankfully, though, part of our education there, through a Catholic college, involved understanding these images and models of Christ. Why do they exist in Mexico and not the United States?

Our professor explained that it went back to colonial times, when the missionaries were trying to convert the Aztecs and other native communities. The wise missionaries realized that simple catechesis was not sufficient; they had to find a point of identification with the people. The native peoples of Mexico had no problem with the idea of the Virgin Birth, or the Resurrection; in fact, these ideas existed in their own pantheon of deities. Thus, they were points of identification. But there was something else the people understood, and had always understood; bloody sacrificial death. Chosen sacrifices. Fasting.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I believe the missionary (or missionaries)with the proper intelligence commissioned an artist to create Jesus in as bloody and realistic a fashion as possible, and lay Him out in his mask of death. They did this also with the crucifix.

And of course, centuries later, there I happened along to witness this image, and it has never left me. I can't "unsee" Jesus in that condition. It struck me to the core, although I didn't really understand it at the time. And while some of my classmates shied away, I was drawn in, seeing something that maybe I hadn't before, although I couldn't have told you what it was.

To this day, I LOVE the bloody crucifix, and the more I learn about theology, the more I love it, and the more meaningful is every element.

The Suffering of Jesus Christ

Several years ago, I was suddenly hit with carpal tunnel in both hands. It appeared one night while I was sick with a viral thing, so at first the pain running up my arms and the numbness in my hands was misdiagnosed as related to the virus. Then the next night was quite sleepless as first my hands went numb, and then a piercing pain ran up my arms, through my elbows, and up to my shoulders. It was horrible. The only thing that stopped me from going to the ER at 3 am was the fact that I could find a pulse in both wrists...so I knew it was the nerve. But it was like fire in my arms.

I don't remember when I learned it, but a couple years ago someone on the radio was giving a description of the suffering of Christ from the nails in his hands, or wrists. The speaker described the horrible, torturous pain of the weight of Jesus' body rubbing on the sensitive nerves in his arms, and the exquisite sensations it sent up his arms and throughout his entire body.

I know similar pain. The very thought makes me tear up, because I know the pain I experienced with the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome can't COMPARE to the suffering of Christ...from the nails in his hands alone. When I consider this horrible sensation, and take time to meditate on it, I cringe, I cry, I flinch, knowing, to some degree, what it was. And it was such a small pain in comparison to the rest of His wounds. So I have to admit, I don't think about it a lot, because it's very difficult, and at times, I can actually FEEL that pain again.

So it seems I NEED that bloody crucifix to make me understand the pain I have caused Christ through my sin.

But it doesn't stop there, for recently, I became aware of some of the symbolism of blood, from the beginning of time.

The Significance of Blood

You've read the passages in Genesis; when Cain killed Abel, God confronted Cain and cited the blood of Abel crying out to him from the ground. You've read the passages about the sacrifices offered to God on altars, in which the blood of the chosen animal was let to fall to the ground, so that the sacrifice would be offered in the proper way. You have read about the Mosaic dietary laws, the proscriptions as to how animals should be killed, for to consume the blood was abhorrent. For blood belongs to God alone; it is symbolic of life.

In Exodus, the Israelites were instructed to mark their lintels with the blood of the unblemished male lamb they were to slaughter that night; thus it was by the blood of the sacrificial lamb that they were saved.

We understand that same meaning; it is by the blood of Christ that we are saved. It is by His very blood, shed for us, that the ransom for sin has been paid. Jesus has answered to the Justice commanded by the Fall.

Thus, although some people say that they don't need to see the bloody crucifix, they don't need to see the blood Christ shed for us all, I respond that if they do not accept the blood, how can they understand Christ?

Our society has a great fear of blood, and perhaps this is part of the tactic of the evil one, for our abhorrence is not through respect as it was for the Israelites, but rather, out of irrational fear. In our world today, blood carries atrocious diseases, and those of us who may come into contact with blood or other body fluids that may contain blood are bound to protect ourselves with masks and goggles and gloves and even condoms. (I give you myself...just don't expose me to your blood.)

We are a culture of barriers. Even as we beg people to "Give Blood!", we close our eyes so as not to see the fluid passing through the tube. Even as we know that blood saves lives, for indeed, life is impossible without blood, we are squeamish and we flinch back from it. Those who are fascinated by blood are attracted to the terrible facets of symbolism found in horror flicks...this is unnatural. This latter, I would argue, is indicative of the fallen state of humanity. For even as we realize the importance of blood, we either shy away from it or we bathe ourselves in it inappropriately.

I would so argue that those who suggest we don't NEED to see the blood on the crucifix need a little more understanding as to the spiritual and real properties of blood; for it is the very blood of Christ that gives us life. And had not God breathed life into Adam, that life that coursed through him, bound to his blood, had not God become Incarnate and spilled His own blood for us in His Passion, and if we did not consume the flesh and blood of Christ at each Mass, we would have no life in us.

Blood is akin to life, and it is the gateway to Eternal Life.

I completely understand those who say they prefer a more sterile representation of Christ from the perspective of art or propriety for children. And I understand that some people are incredibly sensitive and such images are difficult for them for various reasons. However, barring such obvious scenarios, I honestly believe that mature Christians at least need an appreciation of the significance of blood, especially in relation to the Passion and Crucifixion in order to have a proper spiritual orientation to the suffering of Jesus for our salvation.

So for those who previously thought that you don't "need" to see a bloody crucifix...please reconsider, and spend some time meditating upon the importance of the blood that has set you free.

Litany of the Precious Blood of Jesus

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy. Christ, hear us.
Christ, graciously hear us.
God the Father of Heaven,
have mercy on us.
God the Son, Redeemer of the world,
have mercy on us.
God, the Holy Spirit,
have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, One God,
have mercy on us.

R. Save Us

Blood of Christ, Incarnate Word of God...
Blood of Christ, of the New and Eternal Testament...
Blood of Christ, falling upon the earth in the Agony...
Blood of Christ, shed profusely in the Scourging...
Blood of Christ, flowing forth in the Crowning with Thorns...
Blood of Christ, poured out on the Cross...
Blood of Christ, Price of our Salvation...
Blood of Christ, without which there is no salvation...
Blood of Christ, Eucharistic drink and refreshment of souls...
Blood of Christ, river of Mercy...
Blood of Christ, Victor over demons...
Blood of Christ, Courage of Martyrs...
Blood of Christ, Strength of Confessors...
Blood of Christ, bringing forth Virgins...
Blood of Christ, Help of those in peril...
Blood of Christ, Relief of the burdened...
Blood of Christ, Solace in sorrow...
Blood of Christ, Hope of the penitent...
Blood of Christ, Consolation of the dying...
Blood of Christ, Peace and Tenderness of hearts...
Blood of Christ, Pledge of Eternal Life...
Blood of Christ, freeing souls from Purgatory...
Blood of Christ, most worthy of all glory and honor...

Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world,
spare us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world,
graciously hear us, O Lord
Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us.

Thou has redeemed us, O Lord, in Thy Blood,
And made of us a kingdom for our God.

Let Us Pray

Almighty and Eternal God, Thou hast appointed Thine Only-Begotten Son the Redeemer of the world, and willed to be appeased by His Blood. Grant, we beseech Thee, that we may worthily adore this Price of our Salvation, and through Its Power be safeguarded from the evils of this present life, so that we may rejoice in Its Fruits forever in Heaven. Through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.