Diagnosis

Today, finally, I met with my spiritual director. I will admit, I didn't want to go. Again, I found myself in the situation of not wanting to tell him what I had to say. Sure, I knew he'd be understanding, but it has to do with things that are hard for ME to talk about. Which, of course, means that they are exactly the things that need to be discussed.

He knew some of what was going on as I'd sent him a word document with my last appointment request, a reflection I'd written that pretty much stated, at the core, some of my position. But it didn't say everything...a few things were held in reserve. I couldn't even WRITE them, but knew I had to STATE them when the time came.

God's grace. Always, His grace.

Our discussion was fruitful and dredged up something that has long been a problem. It's not really the first time it has come up, but this time, he saw something in this that points to something else. Something lacking in my life.

Suddenly he asked me, "Can you get away, even for a day? Find a retreat? Just...get away?"

I had immediate excuses...work schedule, grad school...ie if I "get away" my books come with me, thus rendering the retreat not a retreat. He understood, of course.

In hearing his suggestion, initially I was thinking, "I just WENT on a few retreats! I haven't been back that long!" I confess, though, that I wish I could take another weekend away in the silence and solitude of the monastery. The cost might be a problem as this wouldn't be a discernment retreat anymore, but I was already shrugging his suggestion off, anyway.

Our discussion continued, and near the end of our time, he restated that I should find the time to just...get away. Not to discern, not to "do" something, but to just get away from "HERE", meaning everything in my life. Get a new perspective. Get away.

"You need something to look forward to," he said, glancing at me appraisingly. "Everyone needs something to look forward to."

He's right.

It took me awhile to see it, but in reflecting on our conversation, I remembered he was asking me what I see in my future, the things going on in my life. Essentially...What's going on in my life that has any real meaning? I cited work, which we discussed is just a job, not a calling or a career, I cited grad school, to end in May, graduation in June, God willing. But...then what? Sure I look forward to graduating, but it's not attached to anything but a piece of paper and a lot of debt. And I have this job that can't pay the loan....

I said it without explicitly stating it: I have nothing to look forward to.

I have nothing to work toward. I don't know my Vocation, I don't know what to do with the grad degree I'm working on and I'm stuck.

"Go visit your friends in Ohio!" my SD exclaimed. "Go! They'll be good for you!"

Dunce that I am, I still left his office thinking of the impossibility of "getting away" right now. Stretched ahead of me I see few free weekends, no time off, just work and school and family for Thanksgiving, and then the insanity of Christmas, then back for my last semester of school. Get "away?" I'd LOVE to! I LOVE my dear Ohio (and Indiana!) friends! I WANT to go back to Ohio!

But of course, as good spiritual direction goes, the important message eventually kicks in.

D'OH!

Of COURSE! Get away!

Sure, first he suggested a retreat, which would be nice, but there's no way I could go on a retreat and not turn it into discernment. I have this problem of needing to make everything "useful".

What my SD sees is that what I really need is what I'm COMPLETELY lacking in my life: fun.

There's no fun. Anywhere. Everything is compartmentalized. Everything is regimented, and my free time...is still dedicated to the "hum-ho" of life. It's not exactly "fun". Oh, sure there are the occasional weekend evenings with friends, but out of months at a time of intensity, what is a few hours of friendly escape? Just a drop in the bucket and that drop is too small to even create a ripple.

He's right. The reason I've been so danged depressed is that I have no goals, I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to plan and "romance".

It's so completely obvious I can't believe I didn't see it.

So...am looking at the calender. Am not sure how I'm going to pay for it with so much debt, but if God wills it, I am going to Ohio, I will figure out how to pay for it (seriously, the plane ticket is usually not THAT expensive), and I'm looking forward to seeing my friends again!

Of course, looking forward is much easier when the date is actually circled on the calender and the plane ticket is being located....

Oh, I need this......

The email has been sent to my friends.....oh, now planning the adventure is underway.....

Horticulture Without a License

In the begining there was a gift, the gift of a tomato plant of unknown kind. And yea, so the plant grew and grew and had to be repotted. And yea, it grew some more and flowers bloomed and faded and became fruit (or vegetable, as I classify it). And the plant was in the biggest pot I owned, which wasn't very big, and it wasn't black either, as I learned it should be. Nor did I have enough sun for it so I moved the plant into the sun during the day, but not if a storm was coming for it was very exposed to the elements and wind and very vulnerable.

I went to a local nursery, and he gave me some good plant food but said my plant should be fine in the pot in which I had it, and so I waited and fed it and watched the fruit. But it's been a cool summer here (a blessed, cool summer!) which is great for us, but unfortunately, not so great for tomatoes.

Well, in the last couple days, the plant has tipped over a couple times in the wind. Once it fell off a plant pedestal I was using to keep it off of the hot pavement. The other time it was solidly on the ground, tipped over and even popped out of its pot (5 minutes before it had been FINE!)

Well, Tommy the tomato plant (as I've decided to name him) isn't doing so well now and it's totally my fault.

Let me say this first: I do NOT have a green thumb and the fact that I've eaten 1 ripe (albeit small) tomato from this plant is a HUGE BLESSED SUCCESS for me! But there are more tomatoes on it, one I had to toss (black on the bottom), and one green one that fell of in one of the plant falls. I think my plant has osteoplantitis from the bad treatment it's received.

Anyway, today, in desperation, I bought a much bigger pot (unfortunately not black or dark colored, couldn't find the right size in those), and lots of potting soil and returned home to repot my tomato plant. At some point in the process I heard a "snap!" and initially didn't discover the problem. Everything seemed to be in place. So I wrestled with the dirt and resetting poor Tommy, and still think I did it badly, although I did truly do my best. (Seriously, this is the hugest plant I've ever transplanted and I'm not sure he'll survive the trauma.)

Well, in looking at the plant, what I'd at first thought was a branch was actually...uh oh...a vertical split at the base of the stalk, right before the spot where all the branches sprouted.

Thinking back to tree grafts I've seen, I grabbed a couple bamboo sticks and put them into the plant to support the branches to take the stress off the stalk, and then took some string and wound it around the branch and stalk to "press" the damaged area back together. Certainly if I don't do something, it would just split up the middle as the branches grow heavier. If they continue to grow.

So, for all you tomato specialists, I have a few questions:

1. Is there a tomato plant ER somewhere? Can I buy tomato plant insurance or is it too late?

2. Does my plant have osteoplantitis due to my negligence?

3. Is there a horticulturist's code, something along the lines of "first do no harm?"

4. If there is, can I be sued for horticultural malpractice?

5. Does it matter that I don't have a license to practice horticulture and did it anyway in order to avoid the expense of the insurance premiums and copays?

6. Is Tommy going to die because I broke him? Or will my "graft" actually be effective and does the plant have the ability to "heal" like trees or other plants can with a proper "graft"?

OK...I await the bad news. Just give it to me straight.......

*cringing*

Dang. I'm hungry and craving tomatoes and now I'll never have ANY! *tears*

An Email I Received from a Reader....

I received an email from a reader and she gave me permission to post it, although I have removed all identifying information. (Emphases in bold added by me during editing)

Hi Adoro,

I am a faithful reader of your blog.

I really, really liked your recent post. You hit on a great point that the real experts are very cautious with their advice. I asked a priest I know for help once when I was having a hard time spiritually, and he wouldn't help me at all besides to tell me to talk to my SD. :)

I also have another little story that you can add to your "inappropriate advice" collection. One time I was talking to a man I didn't know very well (though I did know he was a very faithful Catholic), and I mentioned that I was discerning religious life, probably on the contemplative side. He replied that I am too social for that life and that it would be too hard for me! [YIKES! TALK TO ANYONE DISCERNING THE CONTEMPLATIVE LIFE AND THEY'LL TELL YOU PEOPLE SAID THAT TO THEM, TOO!]

In your post you focused on how inappropriate and unhelpful this un-asked-for advice is, but you didn't mention how damaging it can be for someone at a fragile stage of discernment. Thankfully I handled his comment well-enough at the time, but if it had come just a few months earlier, I would have been thrown completely off-track. As is, I still desperately needed the reassurance of a good friend when, a week or so later, I shyly mentioned to him what this other man had told me. My friend was shocked and said that I shouldn't give the comment any credance at all. That's what real friends are there for -- support, not critique.

This friend does give me advice, but he has the right to give me advice, and I am confident that his advice always comes from God. It's always exactly what I need to hear at that precise moment. [HE'S ON YOUR SHORT LIST! ;-) ]

Anyway, sorry for the length of this email, but I wanted to share my own experience with this type of advice. It can be so harmful. ~ A reader

Thank you, dear reader, for sharing your heart with us. It also helps me to hear such stories because it tells me I'm not alone in this experience. I also think your own willingness to share will be helpful to others out there who may mean well and don't realize that no matter how good their intentions, their words can be outright destructive. It's one thing for me to sit here on my blog and tell people that this is a common experience. It's another thing entirely to be able to share with them the words of another person who has experienced the "dark side" of discernment.

This reader gave an example of a harmful comment and explained why it was so harmful. Did the person who made the comment intend to destroy her? Certainly not! But one can see that at a fragile moment, that kind of a remark can actually chase someone away from a Vocation. It also displays a a very common myth about the contemplative life, and I have also been told similar things by thoughtless and uninformed people, even recently as they learned I'd be visiting a couple contemplative communities this summer.

There is a really ignorant idea running rampant both in and out of Catholic circles that contemplative nuns and monks are maladjusted introverts who can't function in society, ergo anyone with a personality would not be able to survive such a life.

My friends, get that idea out of your head IMMEDIATELY and stop telling people that! The contemplatives I've known are far more social than YOU are! And in fact, they HAVE to be! They have to function in society, a very small society, which can be much more destructive than living in a small town. Do you think that people stop being human when they enter a monastery?

If they don't have a sense of humor and an ability to relate to people in a very social way, they won't survive very long. This means they have to be willing to put up with small annoyances (that become large in close quarters), different temperments that don't change, conflicting personalities, etc...and overcome that. Most introverts I know CAN'T do that. (Of course, there ARE also introverts in a monastery, but they are well-adjusted introverts!)

So, there you have it. This is just some of the stuff that happens and why it's awful. Oh, and I should mention that as one commenter pointed out in my previous post, it happens to people who are dating, too. A couple meets and before they're done with their first date their family and friends have arranged the wedding and bought plane tickets for the honeymoon, decorated the baby's room and made arrangments for the "soon to be grandparents" to visit as soon as possible.

Here's what I've learned from being on the wrong end of this experience:

1. Discerners are always wrong

2. If discerners are actually right and know what they are doing, see #1

3. Never give advice unless specifically requested to do so. Ever. (Yes, I'm guilty, too!)

4. Advice is cheap.

5. No matter what any of us does with the best of intentions, we're still going to mess it up. That's why God is in charge and when the questions are deep and broad and important, He's the ONLY voice that matters. And our voice isn't His.

I'm sure there's more "rules" on this end but I think I'll end this post now. I've already gone overkill on this topic.

Thanks again to my "Guest Blogger" tonight! :-)

On Advice

I'm sure this post will ruffle some feathers, but so be it. I feel like I ought to give an explanation as to why, in my previous post, I specifically asked that any advice be withheld, and why I closed comments so quickly.

The fact is that my request was very directly ignored and no, I'm not a bit surprised. I had only hoped that perhaps the limit I set (with what I thought was humorous enough and bright enough to garner attention) would be respected a little bit longer for the benefit of those who have experienced this to tell their own stories.

The blogosphere is filled with all sorts of people writing with all sorts of intentions, and because we writers put stuff out there, it often inspires well-meaning souls to offer advice where no advice is needed or wanted. I'll admit that I usually just ignore useless advice, realizing the good intention of the writer and the sincere good will.

A lot of people see a certain "distress" and of course, quite naturally want to jump in and "help", probably without realizing that no help is really needed. Yet, THEY have a need to reach out anyway, and they fulfill that need of theirs by commenting.

Sometimes those comments are not about the person towards whom they are directing the comments. I've often commented on blogs and even with a note of advice, realizing as I hit the submit button that what I just said is advice I needed for myself. Whether it was useful to anyone else? Who knows?

In any case, I can tell you that being on the receiving end of advice has made me curb my own comments on others' blogs or web sites.

The Importance of Restricting Advice to a Few

The fact is that right now I am in a very fragile point in my discernment and the fact that I'm writing about it should not be taken by readers as an invitation to give advice. I wrote about what I was going through during my visits, and those who have done the same thing, I am learning, have also EXPERIENCED the same thing. And unfortunately, presumptive advice from people who have no idea what they're going through and want to "fix" the situation.

I know this because some of them have contacted me to say so. But here's the funny thing: NOT A SINGLE ONE has offered me any advice. Why? Because they know better than to do so. They, having often been victims of unsolicited advice at the hands of well-intentioned but clueless people realize that the best response is a simple "I went through that, too." Not to wax pop-psychology all over the place but validation DOES have its place.

Know that what I've put on my blog is not everything. There is a great deal more happening which I am NOT going to discuss in an open forum, and even have some difficulty in discussing with the people on the "short list". THOSE very few people are the ONLY ones qualified to give me advice.

Yes, I said "QUALIFIED" and I mean it. They know the details which are not now nor never will be public. We've spoken directly in verbal form. They know me personally and...they've been through this themselves, at least to some degree. The people who are qualified to give me advice are those who ironically, keep their advice at a minimum, don't incorrectly analyze me, and don't minimize the experience by making offbeat and illogical suggestions.

And when they do give advice, they don't presume anything in the process. They realize the key thing in discernment: it is a very intense personal discussion with Our Lord, and the job of my spiritual director and friends on that list is to help me hear Him more clearly.

Dangers of Unsolicited Advice:

The problem is that everyone wants to offer a suggestion which I guarantee you won't be proper and which they WOULD NOT offer if they knew all the details.

And the other half of that: the unsolicited advice might be completely contrary to what I know I need to do, have been told to do, and the wrong advice might stick in my head and distract me, cause doubts, second-guessing, etc.

In the end, such "advice" backfires and causes greater problems. It doesn't solve anything. I don't need anyone here to solve anything for me. It's not the JOB of any of my readers to solve anything for me.

Perhaps, then, you may be asking WHY I post what I do, if not for advice?

I post it on behalf of others who are also discerning. And it seems that every time I consider deleting a post or just taking the whole blog down, someone sends me an email to express that they are in a similar boat and what I'm writing helps them to realize they're not crazy, they're not alone, and others go through the same thing. And it is those emails that keep me going, too. Because in reading them, I realize that I'm not crazy, I'm not alone, and others are going through the same thing.

I do hope that what I write also helps others to better understand the people in their life who might be discerning their own Vocations. I hope it helps people to realize that it's NOT an easy process, nor should it be. Nothing worthwhile or real is easy.

Mother Assumpta of the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, a few years ago at a conference said, "You have to suffer for what you love." It was true about the topic in that conference, and it's true about discerning God's will. If we love God, we have to suffer in and with that love, and through that love. We can only find Him if we pass through the Cross.

Discernment is a road to Calvary. I am reminded of Jesus' own terrible walk up that hill, and recall the advice given to Him as He was crucified: "Come down from that cross!"

He didn't get good advice either, did He? And if He had taken that advice...where would ANY of us be?

Jesus listened to the voice of the Father, and acted in the will of the Father, even though everyone around Him had something else to say about it, all of it wrong, because they, also, didn't have all the facts, and didn't understand even those that they DID have!

So to those of you who live to give advice, please understand that it is for my spiritual good to ask you to stand down and stay your hands. You may think you have the perfect thing to say, and maybe you do, but please respect the fact that, unless I state otherwise, I need to focus on the advice coming from those who have all the facts and know me the best.

Thank you, and God bless you.