I've been going through a long period of spiritual dryness, struggling in prayer and still trying to wade through my days at work. Certainly I have continued to pray, especially the rosary (some days that's all I could really manage), and work in the Lord's vineyard.
Perhaps a side-effect of working within the Church is "being there" for others, preaching about how God loves them, struggling to love others even in their worst moments, and, well, this kind of thing takes a toll.
Today at Mass I received the answer to what has been ailing me. The homily was about Eucharistic Adoration, and because of work, of late I've missed mine a great deal. But this priest, this blessed priest of God gave me a huge reminder as to why we go to Adoration: because God loves us.
I sat back in my pew, astonished that I'd forgotten such a simple, basic thing. I've been, in my spiritual life, focusing on how I have to love God, and I do love him, and want to love him more. As I listened and pondered and took the priest's words to heart, I realized that in all that loving, all that work, I wasn't at all praying about how God loves me.
This is something I've often struggled with; I've written of it before. But somehow, in the last several stressful months, I forgot that I'm not the one who's supposed to be doing all the "acting". That's God's job. For me to be effective in my work, for my prayer life to bear fruit, to even have a "life", it starts with God's love...for me.
All of us learn to love because we have first experienced love. John Paul II, in Redemptor hominis, as well as in many other writings, pointed out time and time again, "Man cannot live without love." Indeed. Everything we are, everything we have, comes from God's love, His very Goodness. If we are to love, we first must know His love. If we do not realize we are loved by God, how can we possibly carry love to others?
We can't. It's as simple as that.
So my advice to you, if you are struggling in prayer as I have been, take some time away from your regular meditations and just BE in God's presence, rest there, and ask Him to reveal to you how much He loves you. Let him love you for awhile, so that you can learn to love Him more perfectly.
Showing posts with label Adoration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoration. Show all posts
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Thursday, October 20, 2011
A Moment of Eternity
Today I had to run some errands that took me into a suburb in which I worked for five years. As I passed the familiar exits and mused on new construction since I had last driven that route, one particular sign gave me pause.
I knew where it led and suddenly, I knew that I had to go there before I continued on. There was time and, well...I couldn't say "no" to this particular clarion call.
When I worked in that city, I had a very stressful, demanding job, and one awful summer I had to do the work of three people as the others on my team had either been promoted or had left the company. Instead of taking lunch, I had begun going to Adoration.
Starving for Home
The first chapel I found near my work was still quite a drive and it was so comfortable and I was so emotionally exhausted that when I arrived there I'd almost immediately fall asleep, only to have to rush back, addled, to work. "Something" goaded me to look further, and indeed, I'd found a chapel closer to work. Each day, perhaps nearly every day that terrible summer, I looked forward to my break so that I could steal away to the chapel.
I didn't each lunch at all. I knew what I needed: My Lord.
I remember the first time I arrived and crept up the stairs to the chapel, careful not to disturb any of those who were there praying. I didn't like the fact that I had to enter the chapel from the front, but just the same, I was grateful to be able to go and sank down in a pew like an exhausted swimmer collapsing upon the sand.
The chapel was like one from an old convent (which may be what that building once was); the altar is in the front surrounded by stained glass windows set into an arched outer wall. the pews line up precisely with heavy wooden kneelers and the scent of the old building is so permeated with ancient incense and...well...that indescribably sweet but nostalgic pungence one often finds in old buildings.
I was always comforted from the moment I entered the chapel and it became an oasis of peace that kept me sane in a very difficult time of my life.
Today, although I was happy to be able leave the office to run my work errands on a nice fall afternoon, and I was thrilled with what I was going to pick up, I knew that I had to take this detour and visit Jesus as a perfect balm for my harried soul.
I could not disobey the invitation that came to me today on the freeway and it was like stepping back in time as I parked my car and once again approached the chapel door, climbed the steps, and entered into the presence of the King.
As I knelt before Our Lord, deeply taking in the familiar aromas, I was taken back in time, thanking Jesus over and over again for this refuge He so freely offers us. Thanking Him for allowing me to come into His Presence.
Although I've fallen away some from praying the Liturgy of the Hours, it continues to go with me everywhere I go and today I was not surprised to open it and find us amidst the story of Esther. Her prayer is never far from my lips: "Help me Lord, for I am all alone and I have no one but Thee."
The Psalms spoke to me so deeply today that I nearly wept in gratitude as well as sorrow.
I could not help but marvel at how far God has taken me with Him in these last several years. Even as I prayed the Psalms, the memories of the place played in the background of my intellect. I recalled that the last time I'd been there in that particular chapel, I barely knew my faith and was eagerly absorbing all I could. There were days I would go there and would just weep from stress and anxiety because of my job. There were days I would arrive and, in spite of the hardness of the pews, fall asleep out of pure exhaustion, unable to speak or absorb. All I could do was BE. And there, in that chapel, Our Lord allowed me to simply....be. I could do that in His company, where He, simply...IS.
My mother was always a very devoted Catholic and our homes always housed the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immaculate Heart of Mary. Although I was familiar with and loved that image of Christ and His mother, it was there, in that particular chapel, that I re-discovered the devotion, learned about it, and made it my own. I absorbed into my very being the spirituality of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and began learning how to entrust myself and my prayers to the Immaculate Heart of Mary.
I sat there today, realizing that God has given me SO MUCH, and has and is taking me along with Him on a long walk to Calvary. It becomes so apparent, for the last time I was there, I was asking to know Him more deeply, praying about a religious Vocation, knowing that what I was doing was not what He intended to be my life's work.
But still...it was all the same. Jesus is the same, everywhere, every day, in every age, from today to tomorrow, from the past we can't fathom and into a future we'll not see with earthly eyes. HE IS, quite simply. He IS. Eternally.
There I knelt, and although I did not really pray in words today, I prayed wordlessly, staring at Jesus as He looked back at me. And in that passive activity, time stopped and there was nothing but eternity in the gaze of Christ.
Earthly life continues and I had to break that incredible gaze, so I invited Jesus to join me as I ran my errands. I knelt and left the silent endlessness of the blessed chapel and continued in silence to the next task.
Pondering my brief visit to the chapel, I realized that it was exactly what I needed. God knows us all so well and although we can encounter Him anywhere, at any Catholic parish, whether hidden in the tabernacle or exposed in the monstrance, He continues to use ALL of our senses when we seem to have lost our way in the darkness of this world. Jesus brought me into that suburb today not simply to complete an errand, but to visit HIM in a place special in my own memory of Him.
I needed to go there today. I needed it because I needed the sensory reminders of my passion for Him and His life-giving Passion for me. I NEEDED that.
Today, in that all-too-brief interlude, God did not speak to me of the Cross or of deep theological explanations. He spoke to me of eternity with Him. There, in that place where I first discovered the meaning of real, sacrificial love, He gave me a moment of loving eternity. And that description contains no paradox.
I knew where it led and suddenly, I knew that I had to go there before I continued on. There was time and, well...I couldn't say "no" to this particular clarion call.
When I worked in that city, I had a very stressful, demanding job, and one awful summer I had to do the work of three people as the others on my team had either been promoted or had left the company. Instead of taking lunch, I had begun going to Adoration.
Starving for Home
The first chapel I found near my work was still quite a drive and it was so comfortable and I was so emotionally exhausted that when I arrived there I'd almost immediately fall asleep, only to have to rush back, addled, to work. "Something" goaded me to look further, and indeed, I'd found a chapel closer to work. Each day, perhaps nearly every day that terrible summer, I looked forward to my break so that I could steal away to the chapel.
I didn't each lunch at all. I knew what I needed: My Lord.
I remember the first time I arrived and crept up the stairs to the chapel, careful not to disturb any of those who were there praying. I didn't like the fact that I had to enter the chapel from the front, but just the same, I was grateful to be able to go and sank down in a pew like an exhausted swimmer collapsing upon the sand.
The chapel was like one from an old convent (which may be what that building once was); the altar is in the front surrounded by stained glass windows set into an arched outer wall. the pews line up precisely with heavy wooden kneelers and the scent of the old building is so permeated with ancient incense and...well...that indescribably sweet but nostalgic pungence one often finds in old buildings.
I was always comforted from the moment I entered the chapel and it became an oasis of peace that kept me sane in a very difficult time of my life.
Today, although I was happy to be able leave the office to run my work errands on a nice fall afternoon, and I was thrilled with what I was going to pick up, I knew that I had to take this detour and visit Jesus as a perfect balm for my harried soul.
I could not disobey the invitation that came to me today on the freeway and it was like stepping back in time as I parked my car and once again approached the chapel door, climbed the steps, and entered into the presence of the King.
As I knelt before Our Lord, deeply taking in the familiar aromas, I was taken back in time, thanking Jesus over and over again for this refuge He so freely offers us. Thanking Him for allowing me to come into His Presence.
Although I've fallen away some from praying the Liturgy of the Hours, it continues to go with me everywhere I go and today I was not surprised to open it and find us amidst the story of Esther. Her prayer is never far from my lips: "Help me Lord, for I am all alone and I have no one but Thee."
The Psalms spoke to me so deeply today that I nearly wept in gratitude as well as sorrow.
I could not help but marvel at how far God has taken me with Him in these last several years. Even as I prayed the Psalms, the memories of the place played in the background of my intellect. I recalled that the last time I'd been there in that particular chapel, I barely knew my faith and was eagerly absorbing all I could. There were days I would go there and would just weep from stress and anxiety because of my job. There were days I would arrive and, in spite of the hardness of the pews, fall asleep out of pure exhaustion, unable to speak or absorb. All I could do was BE. And there, in that chapel, Our Lord allowed me to simply....be. I could do that in His company, where He, simply...IS.
I sat there today, realizing that God has given me SO MUCH, and has and is taking me along with Him on a long walk to Calvary. It becomes so apparent, for the last time I was there, I was asking to know Him more deeply, praying about a religious Vocation, knowing that what I was doing was not what He intended to be my life's work.
I returned today, this time with a Masters in Theological Studies, with the Liturgy of the Hours, and with an entirely different type of burden.
But still...it was all the same. Jesus is the same, everywhere, every day, in every age, from today to tomorrow, from the past we can't fathom and into a future we'll not see with earthly eyes. HE IS, quite simply. He IS. Eternally.
There I knelt, and although I did not really pray in words today, I prayed wordlessly, staring at Jesus as He looked back at me. And in that passive activity, time stopped and there was nothing but eternity in the gaze of Christ.
Earthly life continues and I had to break that incredible gaze, so I invited Jesus to join me as I ran my errands. I knelt and left the silent endlessness of the blessed chapel and continued in silence to the next task.
Pondering my brief visit to the chapel, I realized that it was exactly what I needed. God knows us all so well and although we can encounter Him anywhere, at any Catholic parish, whether hidden in the tabernacle or exposed in the monstrance, He continues to use ALL of our senses when we seem to have lost our way in the darkness of this world. Jesus brought me into that suburb today not simply to complete an errand, but to visit HIM in a place special in my own memory of Him.
You see, I realized that it was in that very chapel that I fell in love with Jesus.
I needed to go there today. I needed it because I needed the sensory reminders of my passion for Him and His life-giving Passion for me. I NEEDED that.
Today, in that all-too-brief interlude, God did not speak to me of the Cross or of deep theological explanations. He spoke to me of eternity with Him. There, in that place where I first discovered the meaning of real, sacrificial love, He gave me a moment of loving eternity. And that description contains no paradox.
+Sacred Heart of Jesus, be my salvation!+
+Sacred Heart of Jesus, ThyKingdom come!+
+Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on me!+
Immaculate Heart of Mary...Pray for me!
Monday, January 04, 2010
Epiphany
Psalmody
Ant. 1 When will I come to the end of my pilgrimage and enter the presence of God?
Even when I think the journey is over, I find that God has not given up on me. Even when I've long given up on myself, God sends messengers in the form of angels, homilies, friends and prayer to call me again to Himself, to rouse me to battle on and seek Him in my Vocation...whatever it is.
I wrote only a few days ago that I'm certain I am NOT called to religious life, and the last time I met with my SD, he commented that I seemed at peace with the idea. I hesitated, though, in responding.
No, I'm not totally at peace with that idea. I know that there is something more, and in the end, I told him I think I'm just in some strange limbo. Neither here nor there, just....existing. Trying to focus on what I know and needing to work on holiness in the present moment.
The problem is that I'm so weary from this journey. I'm so tired of seeking that I'm ready to lie down and go to sleep, accept where I am and just go on from there. I'm ready to accept that I'll be single forever, and that my Vocation is one of perpetual pilgrimage, wondering if I should take private vows to that effect and be done with it.
This weekend, though, we suffered experienced the transferred Solemnity of the Epiphany, and at my home parish, the Pastor gave an incredible homily about the Magi, about their journey and about how we should learn from them. The journey is hard, but their eyes were on the goal. Father called us all to keep our eyes on the goal, and not to give up just because it seems at times that the journey never ends. He cited weariness, he cited trials and difficulties, delays and roadblocks. And then he called us all onward, to continue that journey because to find Christ under the star, to adore Him, is the goal of us all for eternity. He waits for us, He awaits our gifts, not just of what is needed...but the free gift of ourselves.
As Father spoke, nearly every word cut right through me. He didn't know I was there. He wasn't speaking to me or intending to be speaking in terms of Vocation. Yet...that's what he was doing. As I listened to his homily, I couldn't help but see the parallels between the journeying Magi and my own search, the search that seems to go on into eternity. First waiting, and then, upon recognition of the star, that there really IS a goal, to travel the long and dangerous route to get there.
No, Father wasn't talking to me personally...but the Holy Spirit was, and He isn't one to leave me alone. Later that day I saw that another priest had delivered the same message, although a bit more specific (I'm hoping he posts the text; all I have is an allusion to it.)
I left Mass a bit shaken, realizing it ISN'T over, God HASN'T forgotten about me, and hasn't abandoned me.
At that same Mass I pondered Marriage again, wondering if I was wrong. All I know is that the Single life isn't fulfilling. I need something more, am called to something more and the way I'm living it now isn't "it". Yes, I've spoken of being single as a Vocation, and it can be...when it is committed and consecrated in some way. For now I'm still floating. As I've called myself before, I'm a dangling participle, hanging out with a question mark.
I thought about a guy I met recently, and even as I considered wanting to know him better, I thought, and tried to push it away, "But I want to belong to Jesus."
During Mass on Sunday, during the Offertory, I thought about Marriage, about that guy and considered yet again that I KNOW I am not called to marriage. To be clear, I LOVE men, I think men are great, I'm attracted to men and sometimes lose about 100 IQ points in their presence, but I have absolutely no desire to have children and don't feel a bit "pushed" by the "biological clock" so many women cite. I cannot see myself as a mother, I cannot see myself raising children, I cannot see myself married even without children. The very idea is preposterous to me.
If I picture my wedding, in my mind's eye I don't see a groom and a fitted gold ring, but I see the Cross, I see a priest, and I see a ring that is a crown of thorns. I see the eternal wedding, of the Lamb and the Church and I know that nothing but God will ever satisfy me. I want to die to the world in order to die in sacrifice and rise with my Beloved, I want to do as His Mother commanded at the Wedding at Cana: everything He tells me. And I want to spend my life in Adoration of Him, for why would ANYONE ever want to be out of His sight?
This morning I knelt before a Nativity in a church to pray Morning Prayer, contemplating the Incarnation, the wood of the cradle and the wood of the Cross, the Adoration of the Magi...and death to myself.
Ant. 1 When will I come to the end of my pilgrimage and enter the presence of God?
Ant. When will I come to the end of my pilgrimage and enter the presence of God?
Tonight, during Evening Prayer, I prayed on:
Ant. 2. The Bridegroom is here; go out and welcome him.
Ant. The Bridegroom is here; go out and welcome him.
I have spent so much time and energy running away from Him. I don't know my Vocation, I can't say that I am being called by Him to be His Bride, yet I likewise cannot rest where I am, for my journey is not complete. Like the Magi I must continue on this quest, recognizing the light of Christ and knowing I have a choice: to follow it or to walk away.
He won't let me walk away. He won't let me forget, He won't leave me in "peace"...
Through His persistence, and the unwitting encouragement of my Pastor, I choose to follow and see where that star of Bethlehem leads....
****
Holy Spirit Sister in Adoration photo source
Ant. 1 When will I come to the end of my pilgrimage and enter the presence of God?
Even when I think the journey is over, I find that God has not given up on me. Even when I've long given up on myself, God sends messengers in the form of angels, homilies, friends and prayer to call me again to Himself, to rouse me to battle on and seek Him in my Vocation...whatever it is.
I wrote only a few days ago that I'm certain I am NOT called to religious life, and the last time I met with my SD, he commented that I seemed at peace with the idea. I hesitated, though, in responding.
No, I'm not totally at peace with that idea. I know that there is something more, and in the end, I told him I think I'm just in some strange limbo. Neither here nor there, just....existing. Trying to focus on what I know and needing to work on holiness in the present moment. The problem is that I'm so weary from this journey. I'm so tired of seeking that I'm ready to lie down and go to sleep, accept where I am and just go on from there. I'm ready to accept that I'll be single forever, and that my Vocation is one of perpetual pilgrimage, wondering if I should take private vows to that effect and be done with it.
This weekend, though, we suffered experienced the transferred Solemnity of the Epiphany, and at my home parish, the Pastor gave an incredible homily about the Magi, about their journey and about how we should learn from them. The journey is hard, but their eyes were on the goal. Father called us all to keep our eyes on the goal, and not to give up just because it seems at times that the journey never ends. He cited weariness, he cited trials and difficulties, delays and roadblocks. And then he called us all onward, to continue that journey because to find Christ under the star, to adore Him, is the goal of us all for eternity. He waits for us, He awaits our gifts, not just of what is needed...but the free gift of ourselves.
As Father spoke, nearly every word cut right through me. He didn't know I was there. He wasn't speaking to me or intending to be speaking in terms of Vocation. Yet...that's what he was doing. As I listened to his homily, I couldn't help but see the parallels between the journeying Magi and my own search, the search that seems to go on into eternity. First waiting, and then, upon recognition of the star, that there really IS a goal, to travel the long and dangerous route to get there.
No, Father wasn't talking to me personally...but the Holy Spirit was, and He isn't one to leave me alone. Later that day I saw that another priest had delivered the same message, although a bit more specific (I'm hoping he posts the text; all I have is an allusion to it.)
I left Mass a bit shaken, realizing it ISN'T over, God HASN'T forgotten about me, and hasn't abandoned me.
At that same Mass I pondered Marriage again, wondering if I was wrong. All I know is that the Single life isn't fulfilling. I need something more, am called to something more and the way I'm living it now isn't "it". Yes, I've spoken of being single as a Vocation, and it can be...when it is committed and consecrated in some way. For now I'm still floating. As I've called myself before, I'm a dangling participle, hanging out with a question mark.
I thought about a guy I met recently, and even as I considered wanting to know him better, I thought, and tried to push it away, "But I want to belong to Jesus."
During Mass on Sunday, during the Offertory, I thought about Marriage, about that guy and considered yet again that I KNOW I am not called to marriage. To be clear, I LOVE men, I think men are great, I'm attracted to men and sometimes lose about 100 IQ points in their presence, but I have absolutely no desire to have children and don't feel a bit "pushed" by the "biological clock" so many women cite. I cannot see myself as a mother, I cannot see myself raising children, I cannot see myself married even without children. The very idea is preposterous to me.
Every time I read scripture, praying the psalms of the Liturgy of the Hours I realize I want God alone. I want to come to the end of this journey, and I want Him to be waiting at the end of it.
If I picture my wedding, in my mind's eye I don't see a groom and a fitted gold ring, but I see the Cross, I see a priest, and I see a ring that is a crown of thorns. I see the eternal wedding, of the Lamb and the Church and I know that nothing but God will ever satisfy me. I want to die to the world in order to die in sacrifice and rise with my Beloved, I want to do as His Mother commanded at the Wedding at Cana: everything He tells me. And I want to spend my life in Adoration of Him, for why would ANYONE ever want to be out of His sight?
This morning I knelt before a Nativity in a church to pray Morning Prayer, contemplating the Incarnation, the wood of the cradle and the wood of the Cross, the Adoration of the Magi...and death to myself.
Ant. 1 When will I come to the end of my pilgrimage and enter the presence of God?
Psalm 42
Longing for the Lord's presence in his Temple
Let all who thirst come; let all who desire it, drink from the life-giving water (Revelation 22:17).Like the deer that yearns
for running streams,
so my souls is yearning
for you, my God
My soul is thirsting for God,
the God of my life;
when can I enter and see
the face of God?
My tears have become my bread,
by night, by day,
as I hear it said all the day long:
"Where is your God?"
These things will I remember
as I pour out my soul....
Why are you cast down, my soul,
why groan within me?
Hope in God; I will praise him still
my savior and my God.
My soul is cast down within me
as I think of you...
Deep is calling on deep,
in the roar of waters:
your torrents and all your waves
swept over me.
By day the Lord will send
his loving kindness;
by night I will sing to him
prais the God of my life.
I will say to God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
oppressed by the foe?"
Why are you cast down, my soul,
why groan within me?
Hope in God; I will praise him still
my savior and my God.
Ant. When will I come to the end of my pilgrimage and enter the presence of God?
Tonight, during Evening Prayer, I prayed on:
Ant. 2. The Bridegroom is here; go out and welcome him.
Psalm 45, II
Listen O daughter, give ear to my words:
forget your own people and your father's house.
So will the king desire your beauty:
he is your lord, pay homage to him.
The daughter of the king is clothed with splendor,
her robes embroidered with pearls set in gold.
She is led to the king with her maiden companions.
They are escorted amid gladness and joy;
they pass within the palace of the king.
Sons shall be yours in place of your fathers:
you will make them princes over all the earth...
Ant. The Bridegroom is here; go out and welcome him.Canticle: Ephesians 1:3-10
God our Savior
Praised be the God and Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ
who has bestowed on us in Christ
every spiritual blessing in the heavens.
God chose us in him
before the world began
to be holy
and blameless in his sight.
He predestined us
to be his adopted sons through Jesus Christ,
such was his will and pleasure,
that all might praise the glorious favor
he has bestowed on us in his beloved.
He won't let me walk away. He won't let me forget, He won't leave me in "peace"...
Through His persistence, and the unwitting encouragement of my Pastor, I choose to follow and see where that star of Bethlehem leads....
****
Holy Spirit Sister in Adoration photo source
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
How Long Must I Wait?
Love is so hard to comprehend. I don't understand it it all.
Yes, I've written about it theologically, and I believe that God's love is personal, but for some reason, I can't internalize the depth and witdth and breadth of Our Lord's love.
Growing up, I heard over and over how God the Father loves us, how the Holy Spirit loves us, and how Jesus loves us. We sang about it in songs. Yet, the words and chintzy tunes weren't enough. They revealed...nothing. God always seemed in some sense, impersonal and aloof. Certainly I agreed that His Sacrifice on the Cross was personal, but in my mind, it was personal to us collectively and He didn't really know me. He was like a celebrity, one who might be very kind to me if he met me, but would recognize me no more than would, say, David Hasselhoff. I was just one of millions saying, "I love you Jesus!"
Even as an adult, it's hard to grasp such deep, personal, and truly passionate love. Even though I have the theology and can express Thomistically and in Augustinian language the fact that Christ's Sacrifice was personal in the most intimate sense, this truth is something that hasn't yet truly brought me to my knees.
I've experienced bona fide miracles, and all the time I witness answers to prayers, both of mine and those of my friends. Little prayers are often answered in big, obvious ways. Even so, I simply can't grasp that God's love for us is truly tangible and real.
Honestly, I can barely even write about how personal is His love. Over and over, when I've written on this topic, I tend to make it impersonal, using terms like "we" and "us". Certainly that IS true, and in using those terms I do want to help others understand that this love is for them, maybe if I was being honest I'd have to say that the personal pronouns are too difficult. I need to "diffuse" this love of God to spread it out, because it's so strong that to understand it would bowl me over.
As it stands, I have a hard time truly accepting God's love for...me.
My response to such a revelation has always been, and remains even now, "How can this be?!?"
Lately, when looking at different pictures of Jesus, what has stood out the most has been the wounds on His hands. No matter how sterile and bloodless the picture, the artist has always taken care to portray the wounds left by the nails that pierced Jesus' hands. Every time I see these pictures, I want to stop and lose myself in that image, hide within those wounds. Even as I flinch back in guilt at what I've done, I am drawn forward with a love I cannot deny or refuse.
How dare I write about this love? How can I write about loving Jesus if I struggle so hard to accept His love for me?
This evening before Mass I was musing about this and wonder if perhaps the reason for this dichotomy is actually very simple: we don't know what love really is. In our puny, imperfect human love, we set boundaries, restrictions and conditions, even disorder. Then, when we are confronted with the perfect, personal, unconditional and unrelenting love of Jesus, we realize immeditely that we must accept it on His terms
I was almost overcome in that moment of prayer, still not understanding, but coming a little closer to His Most Sacred Heart. His Heart, the source of all love, that teaches me I don't have to understand in order to accept, that He is only asking me to trust.
Sacred Heart of Jesus...have mercy on us.
Sacred Heart of Jesus...have mercy on us.
Sacred Heart of Jesus...have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary....pray for us!
Friday, August 01, 2008
Be Still and Know That I Am God
The other morning I stopped into the Adoration Chapel to pray Morning Prayer. The chapel had a few people in it, all retired people, some maybe from the nearby assisted-living. When I stop in during the day, that's the usual "crowd", and it always makes me remember my p's and q's. For example...I feel like I have to be EXTRA quiet, and dress very properly. I know these people remember what it was like prior to Vatican II, and even when I walk in with capris and a nice top, I've caught a glimpse of disapproving stares. I don't belong to a rad-trad parish, but I DO know that we have a large number of very devoted Catholics. And maybe it's my own guilty concience if I wear shorts in the chapel, knowing that my outfit would not be tolerated in many churches in secularized Europe But I digress.
As I was praying the other day, a woman quickly came into the chapel, very reverent, and knelt, in very quick movements, but very reverently. She sat down in the row in front of me, the next chair over, and proceeded to quickly pull out a STACK of printed prayers and devotions. Every movement she made was done very quickly with a sense of almost desperate urgency.
I was kneeling and had my breviary open in front of me, reading quietly, occasionally stopping to digest some line or some other related thought popping into my head. Before she had come, the chapel had been so quiet, so peaceful...but suddenly this person appeared and....well...
She was a fidgiter.
Normally I'm not too disturbed by people coming and going in the chapel. I might look up, but that's my own hyper-vigilance bourne out from years of training and attitude. I'm not usually too bothered by these people and quickly can return to what I'm doing, even forgetting what or whom I saw.
But the fidgiters...they're a whole 'nuther story.
They're very devout, typically, excellent Catholics, know their faith or at least tend to seek more knowledge, and always...they are seeking greater devotion. These people (always women, in my observation) clearly love Jesus and are seeking greater union with Him. It's a wonderful thing, and I love these people. They're the backbone of the parish.
But they don't seem to know what it means to "Be still and know that I am God."
As I'd mentioned, the woman in question came in with a stack of prayers on various papers, and I think she had a few small booklets, too. As she was immediately in front of me and just to the side, I couldn't help but be distracted, no matter how much I tried to focus on my own conversation with our Lord.
She paged through her papers, pulled one and then another out, variously reading them through. Her movements were rapid, she was trying to be quiet, but it wasn't the noise that was distracting; it was the movement. The constant movement. She moved in and out of her row several times, likely for various devotions, only to return to her stack and go through it for the next thing, only to set that down, maybe go through her purse again for another leaflet, maybe finding it in another place.
I don't know what devotions she was trying to complete. All I knew was that her body language of worry and quickness intruded into my own prayer, and made me try even harder to shut it out, to realize I had to be willing to deal with others and their methods of prayers.
In moments like that, I try to remember what St. Therese of Lisieux said about the Sister with the rosary that constantly rattled against the pew. I know that I need to deal with this thorn in my side, and so, in the end, I'm not irritated, only distracted. There's no sin in distraction, only temptation.
The woman in question got out of her pew once again, knelt in the center aisle, crossed herself very quickly and irregularly, several times, and then returned to her seat, collected her things, and left the chapel, quickly, silently. And again..it wasn't that she was making noise. It was her constant movement that was distracting.
On Prayer
So let's talk about prayer a little bit, for this woman is not alone. A priest who was at my parish previously once gave a talk in which this behavior was addressed; he spoke of people who come to the chapel for Adoration, but they bring a stack of prayers and devotions. They don't remain still ; they are constantly in movement, offering their novenas and litanies and list of prayers that * must* be said. And then they leave.
He asked, "Where, in all that, have they had time to LISTEN to Jesus?"
I've taken his words to heart. Although I've never gone so crazy on devotions, the temptation has been there. I've found wonderful novenas, captivating litanies, several prayers applicable to my situation or the situations of others, and really....lots of things that could take up an hour or even a brief visit.
As it is, it's tempting to just drop into the chapel and let loose with my own complaints, supplications and demands. None of us is without a laundry-list of issues to bring to the foot of the cross.
But that's NOT what Adoration is about.
Sure, Our Lord invites us to bring our concerns, ask for help, petition on behalf of others, and pray our litanies that honor Him and His Mother and the Saints. Those prayers are important. But maybe it's even MORE important to just come to Him and sit at His feet, silently, allowing Him, for once, to speak to US. To love us. To be present with us, and help us to understand how to be present with Him.
Adoration is not about the nearly-obsessive compulsion to pray a thousand devotions, to "get through" them each time, no matter how many indulgences they carry. If we're only rushing from one prayer to the next, seeking one indulgence, then another, with a desperate neediness to complete the words in the time we have...that's NOT prayer. It's...words. It's EXACTLY what Jesus cautioned us AGAINST! The multiplication of words does not get us or others to heaven!
One Hail Mary, spoken deliberately and with devotion, is far more valuable than a thousand litanies spoken without a thought other than to get the words out in a specific period of time.
I love devotions, and many devotions draw us into contemplation. But not when we're praying one devotion while thinking about the next one we HAVE to complete during our "prayer time."
Compare it to this: You are going to visit a friend you highly respect and love dearly, more so than your own life. And so, when you visit them, you rush in, skip a calm "hello" in favor of rattling off a bunch of things you think this person needs to know. And as soon as you get through your list, you're off. In the meantime, your dear friend listens patiently, not able to get a word in edgewise, and then in exasperation watches you rush off, knowing that he has something to say to you that, for once, will give you some peace.
And the amazing thing...this friend will take this abuse over and over, as long as He needs to.
But what He really wants is a relationship with you.
Jesus appreciates the honor of your visit, the litanies, the intercessions, and WANTS to hear of your troubles. Even though He already knows you more intimately that you know yourself, He wants you to talk to Him about it. And He wants to respond to you. And sometimes, like any good friend, he wants to just spend time with you, even in silence.
There's nothing like companionable silence, where both understand one another and can simply exist together.
THAT is contemplation.
So many sincerely devout Catholics become so focused on what is written that they forget that prayer is relational and requires reception of the other half of the conversation. And sometimes, it requires hearing ALL of the side of the other.
It's not that I'm not guilty of this. I've gone into the chapel with my own laundry list, and even now that I'm praying LOH, I have to take care not to rush through the prayers because sometimes Jesus uses only one line to get my attention. If I'm praying a litany, sometimes it's one title that makes me stop.
Sometimes the devotion isn't about completing the devotion, but being willing to listen to Jesus as He tells us what about that prayer is important in our relationship with Him.
In speaking with a priest this afternoon, we both lamented that people can't seem to get through the written devotions in order to grasp the beauty of contemplative prayer. It's not that everyone experiences mysticism, but rather, that they are willing to put aside the STUFF and just engage with Jesus, one on one.
There are so many beautiful devotions in our tradition, and they ARE important; but they are only tools. If we let the tools take control, then we are not developing a relationship with our Beloved; we are building obstacles.
So to all Catholics who love Jesus and love their devotions; please take note of what you're doing with your time and take even a day to leave your stack home. Just be present with Jesus, knowing that even if you don't know what to say...He DOES. And if you ALLOW Him to speak, you'll be amazed at what He has to say.
I promise.
For those of you who don't have the Blessed Sacrament exposed, know that Christ is just as present in the Tabernacle, and values your presence there where He is hidden just as much as He does where He is exposed in the monstrance. Truth be told, although my parish has Perpetual Adoration, I've had some of my most intimate encounters with God in the church where Christ is present but enclosed.
Jesus is there. He is waiting, and all he needs is a little bit of silence...and He will change your life forever.
I promise.
As I was praying the other day, a woman quickly came into the chapel, very reverent, and knelt, in very quick movements, but very reverently. She sat down in the row in front of me, the next chair over, and proceeded to quickly pull out a STACK of printed prayers and devotions. Every movement she made was done very quickly with a sense of almost desperate urgency.
I was kneeling and had my breviary open in front of me, reading quietly, occasionally stopping to digest some line or some other related thought popping into my head. Before she had come, the chapel had been so quiet, so peaceful...but suddenly this person appeared and....well...
She was a fidgiter.
Normally I'm not too disturbed by people coming and going in the chapel. I might look up, but that's my own hyper-vigilance bourne out from years of training and attitude. I'm not usually too bothered by these people and quickly can return to what I'm doing, even forgetting what or whom I saw.
But the fidgiters...they're a whole 'nuther story.
They're very devout, typically, excellent Catholics, know their faith or at least tend to seek more knowledge, and always...they are seeking greater devotion. These people (always women, in my observation) clearly love Jesus and are seeking greater union with Him. It's a wonderful thing, and I love these people. They're the backbone of the parish.
But they don't seem to know what it means to "Be still and know that I am God."
As I'd mentioned, the woman in question came in with a stack of prayers on various papers, and I think she had a few small booklets, too. As she was immediately in front of me and just to the side, I couldn't help but be distracted, no matter how much I tried to focus on my own conversation with our Lord.
She paged through her papers, pulled one and then another out, variously reading them through. Her movements were rapid, she was trying to be quiet, but it wasn't the noise that was distracting; it was the movement. The constant movement. She moved in and out of her row several times, likely for various devotions, only to return to her stack and go through it for the next thing, only to set that down, maybe go through her purse again for another leaflet, maybe finding it in another place.
I don't know what devotions she was trying to complete. All I knew was that her body language of worry and quickness intruded into my own prayer, and made me try even harder to shut it out, to realize I had to be willing to deal with others and their methods of prayers.
In moments like that, I try to remember what St. Therese of Lisieux said about the Sister with the rosary that constantly rattled against the pew. I know that I need to deal with this thorn in my side, and so, in the end, I'm not irritated, only distracted. There's no sin in distraction, only temptation.
The woman in question got out of her pew once again, knelt in the center aisle, crossed herself very quickly and irregularly, several times, and then returned to her seat, collected her things, and left the chapel, quickly, silently. And again..it wasn't that she was making noise. It was her constant movement that was distracting.
On Prayer
So let's talk about prayer a little bit, for this woman is not alone. A priest who was at my parish previously once gave a talk in which this behavior was addressed; he spoke of people who come to the chapel for Adoration, but they bring a stack of prayers and devotions. They don't remain still ; they are constantly in movement, offering their novenas and litanies and list of prayers that * must* be said. And then they leave.
He asked, "Where, in all that, have they had time to LISTEN to Jesus?"
I've taken his words to heart. Although I've never gone so crazy on devotions, the temptation has been there. I've found wonderful novenas, captivating litanies, several prayers applicable to my situation or the situations of others, and really....lots of things that could take up an hour or even a brief visit.
As it is, it's tempting to just drop into the chapel and let loose with my own complaints, supplications and demands. None of us is without a laundry-list of issues to bring to the foot of the cross.
But that's NOT what Adoration is about.
Sure, Our Lord invites us to bring our concerns, ask for help, petition on behalf of others, and pray our litanies that honor Him and His Mother and the Saints. Those prayers are important. But maybe it's even MORE important to just come to Him and sit at His feet, silently, allowing Him, for once, to speak to US. To love us. To be present with us, and help us to understand how to be present with Him.
Adoration is not about the nearly-obsessive compulsion to pray a thousand devotions, to "get through" them each time, no matter how many indulgences they carry. If we're only rushing from one prayer to the next, seeking one indulgence, then another, with a desperate neediness to complete the words in the time we have...that's NOT prayer. It's...words. It's EXACTLY what Jesus cautioned us AGAINST! The multiplication of words does not get us or others to heaven!
One Hail Mary, spoken deliberately and with devotion, is far more valuable than a thousand litanies spoken without a thought other than to get the words out in a specific period of time.
I love devotions, and many devotions draw us into contemplation. But not when we're praying one devotion while thinking about the next one we HAVE to complete during our "prayer time."
Compare it to this: You are going to visit a friend you highly respect and love dearly, more so than your own life. And so, when you visit them, you rush in, skip a calm "hello" in favor of rattling off a bunch of things you think this person needs to know. And as soon as you get through your list, you're off. In the meantime, your dear friend listens patiently, not able to get a word in edgewise, and then in exasperation watches you rush off, knowing that he has something to say to you that, for once, will give you some peace.
And the amazing thing...this friend will take this abuse over and over, as long as He needs to.
But what He really wants is a relationship with you.
Jesus appreciates the honor of your visit, the litanies, the intercessions, and WANTS to hear of your troubles. Even though He already knows you more intimately that you know yourself, He wants you to talk to Him about it. And He wants to respond to you. And sometimes, like any good friend, he wants to just spend time with you, even in silence.
There's nothing like companionable silence, where both understand one another and can simply exist together.
THAT is contemplation.
So many sincerely devout Catholics become so focused on what is written that they forget that prayer is relational and requires reception of the other half of the conversation. And sometimes, it requires hearing ALL of the side of the other.
It's not that I'm not guilty of this. I've gone into the chapel with my own laundry list, and even now that I'm praying LOH, I have to take care not to rush through the prayers because sometimes Jesus uses only one line to get my attention. If I'm praying a litany, sometimes it's one title that makes me stop.
Sometimes the devotion isn't about completing the devotion, but being willing to listen to Jesus as He tells us what about that prayer is important in our relationship with Him.
In speaking with a priest this afternoon, we both lamented that people can't seem to get through the written devotions in order to grasp the beauty of contemplative prayer. It's not that everyone experiences mysticism, but rather, that they are willing to put aside the STUFF and just engage with Jesus, one on one.
There are so many beautiful devotions in our tradition, and they ARE important; but they are only tools. If we let the tools take control, then we are not developing a relationship with our Beloved; we are building obstacles.
So to all Catholics who love Jesus and love their devotions; please take note of what you're doing with your time and take even a day to leave your stack home. Just be present with Jesus, knowing that even if you don't know what to say...He DOES. And if you ALLOW Him to speak, you'll be amazed at what He has to say.
I promise.
For those of you who don't have the Blessed Sacrament exposed, know that Christ is just as present in the Tabernacle, and values your presence there where He is hidden just as much as He does where He is exposed in the monstrance. Truth be told, although my parish has Perpetual Adoration, I've had some of my most intimate encounters with God in the church where Christ is present but enclosed.
Jesus is there. He is waiting, and all he needs is a little bit of silence...and He will change your life forever.
I promise.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Obedience in Faith
God's sense of humor is always striking, that is, when it's not subtle. And sometimes it's both, because He often uses irony. At least, with me. While I would not call myself a rad-trad by any means, I definitely lean to the right. For example, I don't like Contemporary Christian music in the Mass, and while I can tolerate SOME Haugen-Haas, an entire Mass of bad theology in music does make me go cross-eyed. But I've seen what some of the Christian rock-type music has done to draw some kids into the church and help their faith increase, even they outgrow the music and begin to beg for the timeless polyphony that many of us crave for its truth and beauty, and honor given to God.
And I don't believe that girls should be alter servers. Yet if they are allowed in a particular parish, I just accept that fact. For I see that all the girls fall away and go on to other things, while the boys remain, become seminarians, and often an adult man serves Mass when no alter servers are otherwise present.
Further, Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion are overused, in my not so humble opinion. And I have never felt called to that particular service, although earlier this year Father mentioned that he could train us. But it hasn't happened, and I've been relieved.
In any case, I far prefer to fade into the background in the church, to organize what I have to for work, but during Mass, take a back seat, be present, and pray. But not be visible. Because holiness doesn't depend on what others see us doing during Mass up in front of everyone.
But over the last couple days, given some of the questions that arose at the parent meetings, I came to see that being trained at that parish as an Extraordinary Minister could have value. Because I could answer questions as to how things are done at that specific parish.
Yet I'm still not willing to just volunteer to Father and ask him to train us, although he would do it in a heartbeat. I actually have the impression that he WANTS us to take on that role at Masses we attend there, or are involved with, thought he hasn't come right out and stated it as such.
Well, last night, I went into the chapel, and again today, I said the same prayer...I told Jesus that although I don't want to serve in that particular capacity, if Father asks me to do so, or any other capacity, I will take it as a request from the Lord Himself, and I'll obey. I'll surrender to God's will in that, and just asked for direction as to what He wants me to do.
Well, today, God answered.
At work, we are planning a Benediction, which I had to discuss for logistical purposes with Father today. And he mentioned the need for altar servers. Great! I told him I'd get him a list of the kids in the classes so he could tell me which are trained for this. He first suggested to me, "Well, you could do it."
Huh!? Serve? Ring the bell? Incense? Huh?!
But....I'm a girl! A girl who does NOT want to be at the altar.
So I counter-suggested we find the kids first, and then see. We literally have NONE in our evening program. So I looked to the high school students who would be there. None available because they have other obligations for that time slot.
So I called Father back, gave him the news, and said that if he wanted to train me, that would be fine. Of course he first gave me instructions over the phone. And while I've attended several Benedictions, and he's well aware of that, I've not really paid that much attention to what the server was doing and when. So I asked, "Uh....can I PRACTICE this before we do it?"
Sure. The day of, we'll run through it.
I got off the phone and told the DRE that I was going to be the altar server for the Benediction. She thought it was cool (and I know that SHE wouldn't want to do it, herself. She feels as I do about these things.)
So I went into the church for awhile to pray, and realized that Father's request of me today was a direct answer to the prayer I offered to God last night. And when I was asked to serve....I found every excuse possible to refuse. And grasped at straws. And tried to get away. And realized that I could not go anywhere to escape. And only THEN did I surrender to God's own will for me.
I was quite chastized today. Clearly, I have a HUGE problem with obedience. I seriously felt like I had to go to Confession, seeing my complete propensity to reject God's will in the most simple of things. Even after making a promise to obey.
So there, I surrendered, and I said "yes" to His Divine Plan, hoping I wouldn't set the alb on fire, and then the church.
But the story hasn't ended.
Tonight I had to recruit servers for a second Benediction, and in talking to the classes, a girl volunteered, a girl I know to be a real holy kid. And another boy volunteered, too. Perfect. But the girl asked to speak to me, and asked if we needed a server at the other benediction?
YES!
Father had told me he preferred two, but could work with one, and he's in fact done this by himself before.
But now we have one....and I am off the hook.
Tonight, God made His point. Thankfully, it appears He doesn't REALLY want me to don and alb and kneel next to Father at the altar and ring the bell. Rather, He wanted me to see my flaw, to surrender to His will...and only THEN did He reveal His entire plan.
And of course....if something happens and my lone server can't attend, well...I just hope no one has a camera.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Let God Love You
Between my job and school, God has it in for me. Really. Because, every so often, they intersect and I turn into a pancake of a soul.
Last night I had to teach a Confirmation class, but this one involved the parents. My assignment...the parents. The topic? Discernment. Talk about the blind leading the blind! Of course, it had more to do with marriage (Again with the blind thing...child of divorced parents here...), but with Theology of the Body as our foundation, all was well.
The speaker doesn't matter if the material used comes from the greats.
So I had a very loose outline, and ended the evening with something that I knew was over their heads, most of them. It was a quote from Cristalina Evert, taken right from Theology of the Body for Teens, and went something like this: "When you are caught between confusion and sin, that is when it's time to sit down, be silent, and let God love you."
That's very paraphrased...her own words are much more powerful. And I saw the power when I was preparing for the evening. But although I thought it hit me heart and soul...it hadn't. And I know that because...it hit me today.
Because last night's work was almost 8 hours, I took today off, with plans to work on my Spirituality paper, which happens to be about Unanswered Prayer and Suffering.
I wrote about a page and a half, and then ran a couple errands. What I've learned is that the study of Theology has a built-in wall; I can study it only so long before my eyes glaze over and nothing makes any sense whatsoever. Then it's time for a break or to quit for the day. As it was only 9:30, it was time for a break.
I'd been feeling a call to go to Adoration for awhile, so planned to make it my last stop before home. Indeed, between the store and the church, the thoughts deep in spirituality and prayer, God spoke.
That line...."Let God love you."
Let. God. Love. YOU.
It made my heart stop. Really.
That means everything. At the end of RCIA last year, I said, right here in this blog, to just love God...and He will do the rest. And that's still true. But there's a very important element that presupposes our love of God. He loved us first, He loves us last, and He loves us forever. With a love deeper and more real than any love we will ever find on earth.
When we pray, what do we do? We adore Him, we thank Him, we worship Him, we beg forgiveness, we interceed for others, we petetion for ourselves. Look at that: it's all about us.
I realized that when I go in to prayer, or I go to Mass, even though I am there to worship God, it's all about ME! When, in all that chatter, is it ever about GOD? When have I given Him and opportunity to LOVE ME?
What am I so afraid of?
Why can't I just sit there and be in His presence, and just let God be God? Why do I aways have to bring an agenda...as though He doesn't already know all about it? Why do I NEED to go in and complain about things, beg for help, ask for illumination, pray for holiness...why? He already knows my deepest needs, and he answers the prayers that remain unpetetioned, because He knows what I need even if I can't speak a word.
When have any of us taken the time to just be with God, wherever we are, and let God love us?
So I went to the chapel, resolved to do just this; let God love me. Just be there, present. I wanted to pray about my paper and other things, and so it was a struggle just to keep such petetions at bay. My goal was silence. My experiment was to experience being loved.
And there, in that experience, the Lord brought to bear the paper I'm writing. He asked me, "Where is your happiness?"
In YOU, Lord.
And it's true...none of the things of this earth bring happiness. None of them is an end in and of itself. God is.
And then He asked me, "To what do you give your affection?"
And I considered all the things of my life, where my affections lie, my "favorite" sins, all of that. And I was ashamed. Christ is my bridegroom...and I give my affection o things that are not of Him. I withhold myself from Him in order to engage in other things. I reject true happiness for temporary pleasures. Name your sin...gluttony, pride, lust...we all do this. We all lose ourselves to the world, making up our own definitions of happiness that leave us bereft. And then we return to our Bridegroom, crestfallen, defiled...and He makes us new.
We are adulterers, all of us. Every last one. Our hearts are divided. Not just because we take our love and give it to the things of the world, but because we don't let God love us. And that is the key. We can't make the decision to love God if we don't know what it means to be loved by Him.
Think about it. Where is your happiness? What definition do you give to happiness? And when was the last time you let God love YOU?
Last night I had to teach a Confirmation class, but this one involved the parents. My assignment...the parents. The topic? Discernment. Talk about the blind leading the blind! Of course, it had more to do with marriage (Again with the blind thing...child of divorced parents here...), but with Theology of the Body as our foundation, all was well.
The speaker doesn't matter if the material used comes from the greats.
So I had a very loose outline, and ended the evening with something that I knew was over their heads, most of them. It was a quote from Cristalina Evert, taken right from Theology of the Body for Teens, and went something like this: "When you are caught between confusion and sin, that is when it's time to sit down, be silent, and let God love you."
That's very paraphrased...her own words are much more powerful. And I saw the power when I was preparing for the evening. But although I thought it hit me heart and soul...it hadn't. And I know that because...it hit me today.
Because last night's work was almost 8 hours, I took today off, with plans to work on my Spirituality paper, which happens to be about Unanswered Prayer and Suffering.
I wrote about a page and a half, and then ran a couple errands. What I've learned is that the study of Theology has a built-in wall; I can study it only so long before my eyes glaze over and nothing makes any sense whatsoever. Then it's time for a break or to quit for the day. As it was only 9:30, it was time for a break.
I'd been feeling a call to go to Adoration for awhile, so planned to make it my last stop before home. Indeed, between the store and the church, the thoughts deep in spirituality and prayer, God spoke.
That line...."Let God love you."
Let. God. Love. YOU.
It made my heart stop. Really.
That means everything. At the end of RCIA last year, I said, right here in this blog, to just love God...and He will do the rest. And that's still true. But there's a very important element that presupposes our love of God. He loved us first, He loves us last, and He loves us forever. With a love deeper and more real than any love we will ever find on earth.
When we pray, what do we do? We adore Him, we thank Him, we worship Him, we beg forgiveness, we interceed for others, we petetion for ourselves. Look at that: it's all about us.
I realized that when I go in to prayer, or I go to Mass, even though I am there to worship God, it's all about ME! When, in all that chatter, is it ever about GOD? When have I given Him and opportunity to LOVE ME?
What am I so afraid of?
Why can't I just sit there and be in His presence, and just let God be God? Why do I aways have to bring an agenda...as though He doesn't already know all about it? Why do I NEED to go in and complain about things, beg for help, ask for illumination, pray for holiness...why? He already knows my deepest needs, and he answers the prayers that remain unpetetioned, because He knows what I need even if I can't speak a word.
When have any of us taken the time to just be with God, wherever we are, and let God love us?
So I went to the chapel, resolved to do just this; let God love me. Just be there, present. I wanted to pray about my paper and other things, and so it was a struggle just to keep such petetions at bay. My goal was silence. My experiment was to experience being loved.
And there, in that experience, the Lord brought to bear the paper I'm writing. He asked me, "Where is your happiness?"
In YOU, Lord.
And it's true...none of the things of this earth bring happiness. None of them is an end in and of itself. God is.
And then He asked me, "To what do you give your affection?"
And I considered all the things of my life, where my affections lie, my "favorite" sins, all of that. And I was ashamed. Christ is my bridegroom...and I give my affection o things that are not of Him. I withhold myself from Him in order to engage in other things. I reject true happiness for temporary pleasures. Name your sin...gluttony, pride, lust...we all do this. We all lose ourselves to the world, making up our own definitions of happiness that leave us bereft. And then we return to our Bridegroom, crestfallen, defiled...and He makes us new.
We are adulterers, all of us. Every last one. Our hearts are divided. Not just because we take our love and give it to the things of the world, but because we don't let God love us. And that is the key. We can't make the decision to love God if we don't know what it means to be loved by Him.
Think about it. Where is your happiness? What definition do you give to happiness? And when was the last time you let God love YOU?
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