Obedience in Faith

God's sense of humor is always striking, that is, when it's not subtle. And sometimes it's both, because He often uses irony. At least, with me.

While I would not call myself a rad-trad by any means, I definitely lean to the right. For example, I don't like Contemporary Christian music in the Mass, and while I can tolerate SOME Haugen-Haas, an entire Mass of bad theology in music does make me go cross-eyed. But I've seen what some of the Christian rock-type music has done to draw some kids into the church and help their faith increase, even they outgrow the music and begin to beg for the timeless polyphony that many of us crave for its truth and beauty, and honor given to God.

And I don't believe that girls should be alter servers. Yet if they are allowed in a particular parish, I just accept that fact. For I see that all the girls fall away and go on to other things, while the boys remain, become seminarians, and often an adult man serves Mass when no alter servers are otherwise present.

Further, Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion are overused, in my not so humble opinion. And I have never felt called to that particular service, although earlier this year Father mentioned that he could train us. But it hasn't happened, and I've been relieved.

In any case, I far prefer to fade into the background in the church, to organize what I have to for work, but during Mass, take a back seat, be present, and pray. But not be visible. Because holiness doesn't depend on what others see us doing during Mass up in front of everyone.

But over the last couple days, given some of the questions that arose at the parent meetings, I came to see that being trained at that parish as an Extraordinary Minister could have value. Because I could answer questions as to how things are done at that specific parish.

Yet I'm still not willing to just volunteer to Father and ask him to train us, although he would do it in a heartbeat. I actually have the impression that he WANTS us to take on that role at Masses we attend there, or are involved with, thought he hasn't come right out and stated it as such.

Well, last night, I went into the chapel, and again today, I said the same prayer...I told Jesus that although I don't want to serve in that particular capacity, if Father asks me to do so, or any other capacity, I will take it as a request from the Lord Himself, and I'll obey. I'll surrender to God's will in that, and just asked for direction as to what He wants me to do.

Well, today, God answered.

At work, we are planning a Benediction, which I had to discuss for logistical purposes with Father today. And he mentioned the need for altar servers. Great! I told him I'd get him a list of the kids in the classes so he could tell me which are trained for this. He first suggested to me, "Well, you could do it."

Huh!? Serve? Ring the bell? Incense? Huh?!

But....I'm a girl! A girl who does NOT want to be at the altar.

So I counter-suggested we find the kids first, and then see. We literally have NONE in our evening program. So I looked to the high school students who would be there. None available because they have other obligations for that time slot.

So I called Father back, gave him the news, and said that if he wanted to train me, that would be fine. Of course he first gave me instructions over the phone. And while I've attended several Benedictions, and he's well aware of that, I've not really paid that much attention to what the server was doing and when. So I asked, "Uh....can I PRACTICE this before we do it?"

Sure. The day of, we'll run through it.

I got off the phone and told the DRE that I was going to be the altar server for the Benediction. She thought it was cool (and I know that SHE wouldn't want to do it, herself. She feels as I do about these things.)

So I went into the church for awhile to pray, and realized that Father's request of me today was a direct answer to the prayer I offered to God last night. And when I was asked to serve....I found every excuse possible to refuse. And grasped at straws. And tried to get away. And realized that I could not go anywhere to escape. And only THEN did I surrender to God's own will for me.

I was quite chastized today. Clearly, I have a HUGE problem with obedience. I seriously felt like I had to go to Confession, seeing my complete propensity to reject God's will in the most simple of things. Even after making a promise to obey.

So there, I surrendered, and I said "yes" to His Divine Plan, hoping I wouldn't set the alb on fire, and then the church.

But the story hasn't ended.

Tonight I had to recruit servers for a second Benediction, and in talking to the classes, a girl volunteered, a girl I know to be a real holy kid. And another boy volunteered, too. Perfect. But the girl asked to speak to me, and asked if we needed a server at the other benediction?

YES!

Father had told me he preferred two, but could work with one, and he's in fact done this by himself before.

But now we have one....and I am off the hook.

Tonight, God made His point. Thankfully, it appears He doesn't REALLY want me to don and alb and kneel next to Father at the altar and ring the bell. Rather, He wanted me to see my flaw, to surrender to His will...and only THEN did He reveal His entire plan.

And of course....if something happens and my lone server can't attend, well...I just hope no one has a camera.