Discernment

I don't understand how one can "discern" into something that isn't there. I don't understand how one can feel a call to something they don't see, can't obtain because it isn't present, or just "know" it is where they belong. And it's a far cry from the nihilism that so plagues our society.

For years now, I know that God has been calling me to something. I don't know what, really. I'll admit the door isn't closed on religious life, nor is it closed on marriage, nor is it closed on the single life. On one hand, it seems that I don't know how to close doors. On the other hand, I wonder if they are SUPPOSED to stand open?

Each state in life has a beauty unto itself, a differing relationship with God, each important, equally, in the life of the Church. Each is needed for the holiness of the individual soul and to contribute properly to the Mystical Body of Christ. Each is beloved of God.

Each is a Vocation.

It's been discussed here before, but I still don't accept the idea that the single life is a "Vocation Inactivated." In fact, I find the idea insulting and, quite honestly, narrow-minded out of willful ignorance.

Sorry, I tend to speak bluntly. That's why the parish I work at is making plans to lynch me any day now.

But my words are not without love. Because I could ONLY come to this realization with love, and I can only express it, bluntly, with love. Maybe it's my German heritage. I dunno.

In any case, just look at the single men and women who have contributed to building the Kingdom of God. Consider Blessed Pierre Giorgio Frassati, (a tiertiary Dominican, by the way) who was 24 when he died. He did what he did and lived the life that he lived as a chaste single man. God did not call him to the religious life, nor did He call him to marry. God called this young man to serve His people in the lay state, as a Single. And he rose to his Vocation.

And what about St. Margaret of Castello, another Dominican? She was a deformed child, abandoned, and chosen from eternity to serve Christ and His Church in a special way. She was DEFORMED...clearly she could not be called to marriage. And from what I remember from her story, she was also rejected from religious life but was allowed to live as a Third Order Dominican. I must look over her story again. In any case, if she WAS admitted to the religious life, I do not see a story of a Vocation inactivated. She lived her Vocation in the state that she was given, fully.

The very idea of "inactive" is insulting, demeaning, and I do believe that people are going to be answering to God one day for such malignment of holy souls. No, there is NOT "someone for everyone." And you know it.

Yes, yes, yes, I realize that the term "vocation" can be greatly abused if used in the secular sense, and that sense is sometimes intermixed with the spiritual sense of the word. But I hold that there are 3 legitimate states in life: Married, Religious, and Single, in no particular order. All are necessary. All are beautiful.

And clearly my usage of the term is not in reference to employment, but rather, a state in life, a state chosen by God Himself. Disagree if you wish as that is your perogative. But I will not change this position, nor will I engage in the argument. I am at peace with the idea, and you have the right to be at peace with your own idea.

So, you may be wondering...what am I talking about here, in this ramble of a meandering musing post?

Discernment. It has many forms. Each more confusing than the last.

A few years ago I met a man who wanted to enter a Third Order. It was a fairly new idea to me, and for myself, I did not feel called to it. I did not belive I was called to religious life, and I don't know that I've ever felt a real STRONG call to marriage. Then again, talk to me in a few days and I may say something different. Marriage is beautiful.

I can tell you that it is wonderful to be a single woman, and there are things that I can offer in this state, and can do in this state that I could not accomplish as a married woman. I can also tell you there are things that I WOULD be able to do if I were married and had a man in the house! In fact, at times it seems I'd have MORE freedom by being married.

And while the idea of religious life is still there, it still repels me to a certain degree, which I feel I must discuss. For one thing, while people who know me see my social face, they see it on my terms. When I am feeling social. And indeed, I am a talker, I do like people, certainly...but I can only take so much. I have ALWAYS been very isolative. I was a very shy child and always withdrew to be alone, in silence. Yet sometimes the silence and aloneness (not the same as lonliness) is too much, and I need to be around people. I need a certain balance.

My family fell apart and I know that this contributed to who I am today, because I can't fairly say I am comfortable with community living. I will admit that it draws me like a moth to a light, but at the same time, I am also repelled, as though sensing a ZAP! is coming if I get too close.

I know that the religious life is completely proper to a socialite, contrary to maybe popular opinion. The men and women who enter cloisters and other religious communities tend to be outgoing (although all personality types are called). And it is their outgoing nature that gives them the ability to be in the constant presence of others...the SAME others...most of the time.

I don't think God gave me that gene. I LOVE living alone, but I don't think I could be a hermit.

In other words, maybe I'm telling you that I'm a normal human being with a personality that can go anywhere, with God's grace. But might be more suited to just remaining in the lay state, in the world, but not OF the world. Unfortunately, this reality does not solve my discernment issue.

For a long time now, I have sensed a closeness to the Dominican charisms. Since my reversion, I have recognized an intense thirst and hunger for God, and nothing really quenches it. I continue to desire to study, to learn, and to share those fruits. I can't keep my mouth shut or my keyboard silent. I MUST speak.

And I also feel a draw to be a part of SOME KIND of community, some form of common prayer, something more intimate than the larger Church, but never apart from her.

In short...I need more. I want to give my life to Christ, I want to give all that I am, all that I have, all that I have been, and all that I will ever be...to Him. And for some of the faithful, that means entering religious life. For others, that means getting married and raising children. For others, it means offering themselves as singles.

So even as I need...I crave to BE needed. To fit somewhere definitively. To make some kind of committment.

I already know that my life means nothing apart from the Cross. While certain points of religious life have their appeal, so does living as a single. And more and more, while I love the idea of marriage, I don't think that's where God is calling me.

God created us all for Himself, and Himself alone. He called us out of eternity, formed us, and placed us in the womb of our mothers. He brought us to live in that warm, encompassing environment, already a foreshadowing of the beatific vision. He brought us into the world, already beloved by Him. Our lives have meaning. Every one. Even those of the aborted children, martyrs by conception, have meaning for someone. Everything is ordered toward God. All is His.

I know that I am His, because I don't belong to anyone else.

In December, I feared we'd lose Mom, and that scares me. Because although I don't rely on her anymore, I still NEED her, maybe partially for definition. We lost Dad in 1995, and in truth, we'd lost him long before that. But Mom...we need Mom. When she goes, it will be my brother and I. And I have no one. My brother has his girlfriend (future wife!) and her family. I don't. I have only God.

I know that my singlehood has been a special place. It is through this state that I have become friends with such Saints as St. Joseph (to whom my Mom has always had a devotion, especially after she was divorced) and others. I have been able to "converse" with the Saints by virtue of the fact that there is no one else. I have a sense of being "adopted" and even protected. Speak to any faithful single...God has His hand on us in a special way.

And now enter the idea of becoming a Lay Dominican. Where I fled the idea of the Third Order Carmelites, and shuddered at the idea of the Secular Franciscans, I am more intensely drawn to the concept of being a Lay Dominican.

There is nothing wrong with the Carmelites. It is a beautiful spirituality, and many Carmelite Saints are good friends of mine. I would not be where I am without them. And they will always inform my spirituality. And the Franciscans...LOVE the Franciscans. St. Francis has always been a special friend as long as I can remember. And it's not a mistake that St. Francis and St. Dominic were very good friends...God drew them together for the sake of the Kingdom. Seperate...but just as important.

And of course, St. Augustine. You don't hear of the "Augustinians", but are you aware that the Dominicans live by the Rule of St. Augustine? Several years ago I took a "test" and it told me that I had "Augustinian" spirituality. What I read seemed to fit, and I read the other descriptions as well. I did not know at the time that "Augustinian Spirituality" was also Dominican.

It was St. Augustine and St. Monica who have brought me to where I am. And for many reasons, both have been present in my life, although I haven't always recognized them.

It seems my Saints are all in cahoots. They have brought me here...they will not abondon me here.

Now I am stepping forward in trust. While I have fled the idea of religious life and feel "so-so" towards marriage, I am loving the idea of professing to a secular order. And maybe it's just a step. Maybe God has other plans for me. Maybe He wants me to remain in the world as a single woman, but connected to a certain community. Maybe He will use this to lead me to my future husband. Maybe He will use this as a springboard into religious life.

Maybe it will all come to nothing and there will be an entirely different surprise.

Not to be morbid, but maybe I'll die tomorrow. And maybe it's my "Yes!" today that will make a difference in that moment.

I realized back in November that I wasn't in a place to say "Yes" to God, and that took me by surprise. But nothing takes God by surprise. He knows our hearts, he knows our true desires, and He will do what is necessary to help us come to Him. He is infinitely patient, infinitely merciful, infinitely good.

Maybe I still can't say "yes" unconditionally, but I am willing to take steps, holding tightly to His hand. And maybe the steps I am taking now will bear fruit.