Passion

I've made a decision....of sorts.


Today I received a response back to my most recent letter to the Passionists in St. Louis, which I sent under obedience to my spiritual director's orders. Sister is inviting me to visit them, in spite of what I revealed as a very peppered history and a hopeless amount of debt and obstacles.  My age, apparently, is not an issue; she reads in my letters sincerity, and in fact has not told the community about me as I am, in her words, "so far in the future".  By that she means that I won't be entering by May or August or October.  Yes, I'm an "if" but I am far in the future.


I gather from what she says that they are experiencing an unusually high number of inquiries and visits this year, and this is wonderful to "hear".  Please keep the St. Louis Passionists in your most heartfelt prayers!  I don't know if I will visit, or whether if I do, their particular community is for me, but this increase for them is a sign of the workings of the Holy Spirit, the life of the Church, and may He call MANY to this charism to offer their lives in union with the Passion of Our Lord!


So...you may be wondering, what is the "decision" I have made?


I may be speaking prematurely, but the one thing I know is that in order to progress in any way, I need to make a decision.  In looking at my life and circumstances through the lens of reason, I know when I can and can't visit religious communities. The great irony in working for the Church is that it is not easy to take more than a day or so away, for quite literally, my presence is required in nearly everything we do. There are times where it can be filled with volunteers or taken over briefly by a co-worker (at least in this parish),. but the reality is that I am not free to enter into discernment during the academic year. Of course, my own graduate studies has had something to do with this over the last three years, too.  Next school year will be a little different, but what is not being given to my own education is, really, going to translate into even MORE work and activities and crazy hours at the parish. That is the nature of working for the Church:  you give EVERYTHING whether you have it or not. 


That is the nature of God, deep calling into deep.


So, now, again,  I am facing another summer, a great gift of TIME, but also again, without the benefit of income.


Last year, about "now" when I met with my spiritual director and expressed my panic of oncoming financial disaster, he told me, "God is asking you to trust Him."  


He was right then, and I think, even more so now.  This year, though, the situation even more precarious:  It's not just the mortgage and credit for car repairs/maintenance & other random necessities I'm trying to pay, but now, both my undergrad loans (which have been subsidized in deferment while in school), and my UNsubsidized graduate loans, are all coming due. In fact, my grad loans have been due for the last few years, but have been in deferment in their unsubsidized state. Ergo: I owe more than my education actually costs.  


All I can see in front of me is disaster. And, having been in the job market even when it was good, even back when I was making decent money, well, I've NEVER had a job that will pay what I owe right now on a monthly basis.


And I have NEVER intended to be in a position to not pay my bills. I have always intended to pay them and have always worked hard to make sure I'm holding up my end. Thus far, I have excellent credit and I even keep an interior rolodex of money owed to people who helped me along the way, whether intended or not. I want to pay even that undocumented debt...and I WILL. Come hell and high water both at the same time, I was raised right, and I. Will. Pay. My. Debts. ESPECIALLY the personal ones.


Period. 


It doesn't make any logical sense, therefore, to state right now that I am giving this summer, again, to God.  


But I declare it so; this summer belongs to God. My Vocation is more important than anything else, because my salvation is dependent upon my Fiat to God in every circumstance. It is not that I effect my eternity, but a matter of operatio sequitor essse:  grace builds upon nature. 


A year ago I noted that we all work so hard for money, when really, all we really desire, all we really need, is actual TIME.  How many professionals have TIME to spend? Vacations are limited, overtime is premium pay, and in America, we tend to be obsessed with our jobs and what we put into them. 


I don't care anymore about Corporate America. I care to pay what I owe, but more than anything, I want to give to God what I owe HIM, and that is...time.  It is nearly impossible to find TIME for anything, but here it is, in my lap. I don't want to waste it. Live is not about making money, but about who we are in relation to God.


The other night, I was reminded that my life is not my own; I am called to lay it down, as are we all. 


Life to the Author of Life


Saturday evening, the vigil of  Mother's Day, after Mass I purchased three roses. One for one of my volunteers (who left before I could give it to her), one for my Mother whom I am not going to see for several weeks, and one to give the Blessed Mother.


I was almost in tears when I realized I'd purchased the rose too late for my volunteer, who has been so helpful to me this year, and really, ever since I began in my position.  Such a small token of respect, and I couldn't even give it to her! I considered leaving it for her, but realized by morning it would be wilted. I considered asking the people selling the roses (parishioners) to perhaps give it to her the next day, but realized in their busy-ness, it might be forgotten.


I wanted to give a rose to my mother, but as I wouldn't see her as usual for Mother's Day, I suddenly understood I had an option, one Mom would appreciate, one I would as well. After all....she raised me!


When I left work with the three roses, I drove to my home parish and went to the statues of the Immaculate Heart of Mary and Sacred Heart of Jesus. They aren't in the Adoration chapel, but in the main sanctuary of my parish, and I KNEW this was where I should make my offering. I laid the roses at the feet of the Immaculate Heart:  one in the name of my volunteer, one in my Mother's name, one...from me. Each was a different color, each, a different purpose. 


Two of those roses were in thanksgiving for lives lived according to God's plan.  One was in hope of a life yet to be fulfilled, but thanksgiving for the chance.


As I looked at those roses, I thought to myself, "I have just given God something HE created. How lame."


Then I understood a deeper lesson.  A lesson that brought home again the fact that we are not our own. We do not even possess ourselves. We "do what we do not want to do" in a constant battle against our passions, and therein is our own Passion; the Passion only revealed in light of the Cross.


I knew that it was one thing to hand a rose to Our Lord through His Mother, but it was merely symbolic of what I need to do: to lay down my own life. 


Roses die and enter the dumpster.

Souls grow and are united with the eternal life of God Himself. 


When I gave my rose this year, I did it as a symbol of my intention, my lived hope to not just lay down my life, but to enter into eternal holiness.  Not just in a symbol, but in reality.


I don't care if I have to live in a van down by the river:  my heart and soul belong to Jesus, and if that is true, so does my debt. Whatever happens....so be it.Jesus, I trust in thee. No matter what comes..I trust in Thee. Even if I have to live in a van down by the river.

Oprah, Religious Life, and REAL LIFE

I couldn't watch Oprah ** the other day when she hosted the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist on her show. I was busy at work, living my own life of celibacy, chastity, and, well....obedience, too...if not vowed.

Yes, obedience is the most difficult. Even when one is not vowed.

Although I've only seen a few clips it seems to me that Lisa Ling's time in the convent changed her and I am grateful for her respect, and possibly, friendship with these women. I hope she stays in touch with the Sisters.

From what I've heard of Oprah herself, she was focused on, predictably,  sex and materialism. That's not such a bad thing, for she is a representative of the world, not God. How can we be critical of her questions or her attitude?  Haven't we, as Catholics, enabled and even encouraged such a pluralism?  Isn't it our job as the faithful to engage the needs of this world, and confront head-on what is most contrary to human dignity?

We need to give Oprah credit for this segment, for her willingness to open her show and her heart to the daughters of Dominic and Brides of Christ in their charism, to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ in what is otherwise a land hostile to everything we believe and hold dear.

Oprah should be complimented.

We as Catholics should WRITE to her and reveal our gratitude for her respect for our dear Sisters, our Spiritual Mothers (a title which should be emphasized), for her hospitality and respect not just for the Sisters, but for our very Faith.

In the blogosphere we are so quick to criticize and condemn, but are we ready and willing to compliment?

Do so now.  Please.

Personal Experience

Last summer, as many of my readers know, I visited three religious communities. One active, like the Dominicans of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, but the others were contemplative or what we call cloistered.

The lifestyles are very different, but the theology...the same. The reality of the lived life is incredible, but not so much a sacrifice as an EXCHANGE. It is, in the words of Fr. Corapi, an exchange for goods that are higher for those that are lower.  It is blackberries and ipods and, with Oprah's obsession, sex, in comparison to the incomparable Lord of Life, marriage to HIM who saves us and gives us all that we NEED versus the random inconsequentials we may want.

The decision is obvious, and as some observed, at the end of the segment, Oprah, who had begun nearly condescending, ended up nearly envying the dear Sisters.

It IS a beautiful life of incredible freedom, and I can at least attest to that!

We all have obligations in our lives. We all must get up at a certain hour and go on with our lives. Even if we don't like the hour, we do it for our careers, don't we?   We do it for SOME reason, and we don't get to dictate that hour from the moment we accept employment, or motherhood or fatherhood or any regular obligation.

But the Sisters accept something more. They agree to the hour of rising, they agree to the life, and in the end, they agree to a marriage to Christ Himself.

As a visitor, I witnessed and in some degree, became a part of this beauty. I saw and experienced, every day,  the lived joy of the Sisters.

It is a life of sacrifice amongst the joy, for there is not a single faithful Religious Sister who does not know the Sorrows of Mary or union with our Crucified Lord.

One Sister expressed to me, during her time there, the cost of her sacrifice. She loved, as I did, the time in prayer in the chapel. Yet at the moment that she was deeply entering into prayer, the time or the bell itself would be calling her to something else. It became her greatest sacrifice to LEAVE Jesus in order to fulfill His will as His spouse!

I experienced some of this, too.  During my retreat I was given a schedule and even when the Sister to whom I was entrusted told me I could spend more time in the chapel, I knew that I had certain duties while there and must attend to them. It seemed that at the greatest point of prayer, it was time to head back to the bakery, or perhaps some other thing, breaking that prayer in order to become the prayer itself in a way I could not understand. I found that I must break even that attachment to my own will, a moment that seemed to be a gift from God, in order to fulfill obedience to a community to which I was not vowed, but deserved my respect in form of conformity to their own vows.

The life of a Religious, a Nun, a Sister,  is a life of sacrifice that reveals the reality of contemplative prayer and loving service which comes to a soul only through obedience and God's own timing.  None can be open to infused prayer without the GRACE of Christ who prepares that soul through the inconvenience of obedience even when that obedience SEEMS to interrupt the deepest moments of communion with God.

It seems a dichotomy to even the most faithful, and it seems an absurdity to the children of this world, who are prudent only in things of this world.

I am glad when the Children of this world are willing to recognize the Children of Light, and even, at the end of their skepticism, find that they are lacking. It is a sign of God's grace.

I do not know to which Vocation I am called, but I do also, like Oprah, continue to seek. So many ridicule her, but I don't have it within me to do the same. I am just as lost, and I have been even MORE lost than she. Perhaps I am so even now.

I thank her publicly for her willingness to host the Sisters, and to treat them, and therefore us all,  so respectfully. In a world, with a popular Media so willing to ridicule all that we believe, all that we live for, we should honor those who reveal even the least bit of true charity. Oprah and Ling have done so.

Thank you, Ms. Winfrey. Thank you, Ms. Ling.  Thank you for your respect, for your openness to our beliefs, our faith, and our Spiritual Mothers.  Thank you.


** Aggie Catholics link to the 4 segments currently available for the Oprah Winfrey/Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist 

Please Don't Break My Heart

I never thought I'd write about this particular topic, but in speaking with a friend tonight, someone discerning the priesthood, I realized that it's not something that belongs to me alone. He revealed he has the same deep fear as I, and together, we think that others experience the same thing.

It is because of this that I've decided to put this "out there" in hopes that it offers some comfort to someone, just so that you, and maybe we all, can realize we're not alone.

I watch the reasons why people come across my blog, and I can't forget the day someone found it by typing in:

"Why is vocational discernment so difficult?"

I don't know who asked the question, or why, or from what perspective, whether from honest seeking from their own agony and looking for help, or from a standpoint of derision. After all, our hugely secularized world thinks it's just a "job" to enter religious life, and they speak of it in those terms. They don't ask the deeper questions, looking only at utility, at functionality, but never theology, eternity or conversion of heart and soul. The questions of the world don't address the whole person, but only look at the human being as a convenient (or inconvenient) machine to be used and tossed aside.

Those who are truly discerning their Vocation are looking deeply into God and into themselves, trying to find out not "who they are" but rather, the very reason God called them into existence. They are looking for their true mission in life, their very BEING, realizing that, fundamentally, they are Called to something that long transcends this world and their very lives.

Discernment is a process by which a person bonds closely with Our Lord and with the entire Church, past present and future, and in so doing, sees far more than he ever realized possible. It is awe-inspiring, it is is painful, for they come face-to-face with themselves and the questions that are most fearful to address. The questions most people want to avoid...and do avoid. That's why it's so painful. Not just because of the questions and resulting discovery of Truth, but because that Truth is rejected, not only within themselves as they try to flee that purifying light of conscience, but because the secular world has no sanctuary...and finds need only to attack, never to accept.

That's why it's so difficult. That, and far more.

Broken

I've never spoken or written of this before, and find it hard to do so now. But maybe it's important.

This summer, it was only through God's grace and some massively generous souls that I was finally able to visit some religious communities. I wanted to go, I was ready to go, and spiritually prepared. I had a lot of support from all sides, even my family. They weren't thrilled about the distance, but understood I needed to go.

I won't lie; I was apprehensive about this very new experience, and even more so as the plane drew closer to the East Coast. As it landed and we taxied towards the gate, I was nearly in tears as my most heartfelt prayer finally came to the surface and I let it come, praying it with my entire being: "Jesus, please don't break my heart."

There it was.

Jesus, please don't break my heart.

My heart has been broken enough. I can't take any more. I'm tired of being lost, I'm tired of being alone, I can't keep doing this. I'm weary from the battle, I have scars that are still bleeding, and if I take another hit, I fear I will fall and never rise again.

I prayed this, knowing the battle wasn't over. Hoping maybe I'd find my way home on this trip, realizing it's NEVER been that easy and I wasn't about to put my trust in that idea. Praying for strength to continue, no matter what.

There was nothing else to do; from that point forward, I was no longer in control, so I offered myself completely to Jesus, stripped before Him, laying everything bare, sharing my deepest, deepest prayer: Don't break my heart. Beat me, kill me, abandon me, I don't care. But don't break my heart. Not that. Break everything else, but don't reject me. I can't take it. Please.

Don't break my heart.

I knew that I'd broken His Most Sacred Heart so many times, and that my prayer was presumptive. How DARE I say such a thing to the One who was Crucified...for me? But love reveals itself in all its facets, and it is only by Our Lord's Grace that I was able to allow that very very deep longing to come to the surface, and to plead it before His throne...right there in that little tin can of an airplane.

There are many who will understand this prayer; there are many who won't. There are many who will misinterpret it to mean something it does not, and so I must define it as clearly as I can, although it will STILL be insufficient.

My prayer was one of Trust.

It was not that I was asking that THIS community be the RIGHT one. I was not arriving out of expectation of it being "perfect." I was asking for the very presence and blessing of Christ in my visit. I was asking to be shown the way to Him, to what He was calling me to be.

I didn't know if I was called to religious life or something else, and I didn't think that a discovery of NOT being called to religious life would be a bad thing. At the time I thought it WAS my calling and of course that's why I was there.

In my heart of hearts, though, as they say, I was simply asking that Our Lord not reject me, no matter what happened. I was begging for His presence and guidance wherever all of this would lead, for His comfort, and learning to trust that I truly WASN'T alone.

Jesus did answer my prayer.

It was, as I have written, an agonizing week and I expected it to be so. I spent a lot of time searching the depths of my soul and my relationship with Our Lord, trying to die to myself in order to live for Him. The daily routine alone demanded this. It made me think of prison and purgatory as I gave up my own will and freedom to willingly live in accordance with the structure of the convent. I even remained obedient to the boundaries given to the Sisters, those that did not bind me as a visitor. I could have left at any time, called a cab, asked to be taken to the airport, walked up the hill from the convent to investigate a berry bush, etc. And there were a couple days which, I admit, I desired only to be heading home. I couldn't wait to get "home."

But where was "home", really? Home isn't were the "heart" is, for the heart is so often wrong. Home is where God is...and that's what I was trying to figure out. How to get to Him, in spite of my broken, distorted heart that does not know love.

Jesus was made manifest, though, through His Brides, none of whom knew my agitated state and who would not have changed their demeanor if they had.

At that convent, I met some wonderful Sisters who received me enthusiastically and made me feel like family. They let me know that there was a place there for me, room in God's mansion. Many rooms. I was advised not to be afraid to answer God's Call, and every need I had was met, even those that were unexpected and forced me to depend on their own charity.

My life is better because of that week, because of that experience and knowing those dear Sisters. I can't imagine my life now without them. It was a great privilege to be one of them, even though I was apart from them. I was on the outside looking in yet experiencing all the warmth and joy of that life so many never see or experience.

But that wasn't the end. I can say the same about each visit this summer. Each was a direct encounter with God, answering my most heartfelt plea, all from different angles. I loved each convent or monastery individually, and loved Christ more because of them.

In each was His response to that little prayer of mine, asking Him not to break my heart.

"I didn't call you here to break your heart. Please don't break Mine."

I knew Jesus was with me, wanted me there, and spoke through His dear Brides. They wanted me there, too. Each invited me to deeply drink of God's Love, and, without pressure, to discern whether I was called to their life or some other.

It was clear that Our Lord was speaking to me, not as Master to Slave, but as a beloved daughter, as a possible spouse...to Him...or someone. It was clear, ultimately that I simply didn't have the foundation to accept or reject anything. I was there to meet Jesus, to speak intimately with Him, and to learn to let Him be the guide, even if it made no sense to me.

Truly....NONE of this makes sense to me.

If I were in charge, I'd just choose somewhere and go, on my own time and when I chose.

Instead, God has given me impediments or opened doors as HE has chosen. HE has chosen my closest friends, HE has chosen my circumstances. He has made connections, drawn lines, and has asked me to follow. He has asked me to give up the wheel and let Him drive. Not because I can't, but because without headlights, He can see so much more clearly than I.

Jesus is asking me to trust.

It is only in trusting that I can give Him my heart. If I hold on to it, broken, it will NEVER be healed, I will never be made whole. If I don't let Jesus take my heart into His own hands...I will die.

My prayer, that day on the tarmac, was my offering. I gave Jesus my heart, entrusted it to Him with my breathless, tearful words: You can have it...just don't break it. I want my life to be yours. I want to live ONLY through YOU and in You.

I gave everything to Jesus in that moment, knowing that only He and I would understand that offering.

I still don't know what God is calling me to be. It's a constant battle not to give up. It's a constant battle to just NOT jump to a random decision among a plethora of good decisions...and some bad ones.

There is only ONE thing that I can say with certainty, and that is that Our Lord has not left me alone. He has not broken my heart. He has not rejected me, no matter how much I deserve it in every moment.

We who are discerning, in the depths of our hearts, we know we're broken. We are seeking God with everything we have, laying ourselves upon the altar and asking to enter into His sacrifice in any way He chooses. Deeply we fear that He will reject us, just as the world has and other people have, many times over. Not a single one of us has ever NOT experienced rejection of some sort.

The only thing I know now is that God is in charge, I've turned EVERYTHING over to Him, and He has promised that He will never reject me and will never break my heart.

Thank you, Jesus. I trust in Thee.

Adoro's Monastic Adventure Continued

God (and several generous human beings working for and with Him) has given me six weeks this summer to focus on discerning whether or not I have a Vocation to religious life.

As you know, so far no questions have been answered. Which, really, is fine, as my spiritual director assures me.

I worry because I'm not getting younger. Others think I should jump off a pecipice just because I'm not married, and others want me to be a nun or a sister because they have a romantic idea of monastic life (which is no more romantic than married life, actually.) And still others fall into other categories in their bet-taking as to what they think I should be doing and why.

So really, it is those few voices, who are the chosen designates, who are keeping me on track both to keep me from being too discouraged and to keep me from making a hasty decision much like a person who runs a red light and is flattened by a semi just because the guy behind them beeps in impatience.

We've all passed such accidents, haven't we?

This Thursday I'm going to make another pass at monastic life, this one really intense. The Cistercians of Common Observance pray 7 times per day in community, work in silence, study in silence, and seek God in solitude while living in community. It is their practice to rise at 3:40 am in order to begin praying Lauds at 4 am, so that while you sleep you can rest assured that people are praying...for you.

I'll be driving to this monastery, only a few hours away, and this week I received the instructions as to what to wear, what to bring, what not to bring and whatnot.

The process for even VISITING this community has been quite the experience! We've been in contact for months, I was required to read a book, "The Cistercian Way" by Andre Louf, and I now learn I have to bring it with me.

Unfortunately, I don't own it. I got it from the library, and as it was an order from another library system, it took them 3 weeks to get it to me. Thankfully I have a friend who is sending me his copy and hopefully it will be here in time!

The communities I just visited didn't require much for the visit: only an open heart to hear God. Certainly I'm sure other contact is required, but that was fulfilled long before my plane ticket was purchased.

The Cistercians, on the other hand, sent me a form for a recommendation to be completed by my Pastor or Spiritual Director and believe you me, they were asking some heavy questions! I wondered why they wanted this just for a "come and see" type of visit where I would not be admitted to the enclosure, but so be it. I turned over the form, and my SD filled it out and sent it on.

I also had to write an autobiography, and the one I wrote on my blog or for grad school wasn't appropriate as those had the wrong focus. In addition to the actual story of my life, they wanted a self-assement of strengths and weaknesses.

All of this has been completed and sent, and in response, Sister sent me a list of instructions. I am to bring a Bible, a rosary, The Cistercian Way, the Liturgy of the Hours, toiletries, clothing proper to the outdoors and weather, and nothing else that logic doesn't dictate. I am asked to leave all other media at home (no problem! I don't have it anyway!)

I've been told I'll meet with her, the Prioress and the Novice Director, and alll will have read all correspondance between Sister and I, including my autobiography and reference from my SD, and they will keep it all in strict confidance. Comforting.

I feel like I'm under a microscope and I haven't felt like this since my law enforcement background. I'm still waiting to be told I have to meet with a background investigator from the CIA before my arrival at the monastery.

In speaking with others who also considered the Cistercians, they found the process so off-putting that they never continued and thus never visited. The Sister with whom I have been "speaking" explained that in the past they required the autobiography and recommendation with an application for entrance to the Order, they now require it at a 3 day visit.

By the way, they also define the 3 days; it wasn't by my request. They asked me to plan for five days, to include 3 full days there, 1 day for arrival and a day for travel home, and this, of course makes sense. I believe the monastery has hermitages for private retreatants and this kind of a schedule likely helps them keep things running at a proper pace during their busy guest season.

I wonder if my perseverance through this arduous application-to-visit process is maybe not as big of a deal for me because I've been through intense background investigations in the past? Both police and fire put me through my paces, sending me to intense physicals, psychologicals, physical tests, personal interviews, etc. I've been fingerprinted multiple times, my family and friends interviewed, my hometowns visited, employment records searched, etc etc etc. By comparison, this process is NOTHING!

It still seems invasive, yet I'm wi

lling to undergo it because something about the Cistercian Order has gotten my attention, has made me consider things more deeply, and that means I have to go.

So now, armed with my slight monastic experiences in an active community, a day and a half with my beloved Dominicans, now I prepare for the silence of an ancient Rule, one of austerity and early rising, something so contrary to my very being that it MUST be of God. Why? Because the idea of ME going there is totally insane.

Closing comments for obvious reasons. Thank you.

How do you spot a future nun?

Fr. Zehnle asks: How do you spot a future nun?

This is a very interesting question. Most of the priests I know, either in real life or via blogging, have a sense of how to suggest the priesthood to young men (and some "older" ones!). But they often seem mystified as to how to address Vocations for women. Certainly, they might suggest religious life to some, but I get the distinct impression that they are almost afraid to do this. Please correct me if I'm wrong in this assessment.

Let's face it...men in general are terrified of women, and for a lot of reasons, some of them legitimate. You don't want to offend us in any way, and there is a weird undercurrent of an idea out there that to suggest a woman become a religious sister is akin to telling her she's substandard in some way. I've run into this myself. Several years ago I told a male friend that a woman I knew in college had entered a cloister. I wasn't practicing my faith at the time, but I admired her, and with great affection, I said, "I'm not a bit surprised." His response was derisive laughter, assuming I was insulting her. I'll never forget the moment; it was as if his comments were directed at me.

So, everyone, let's just get that behind us. Normal-in-every-way men and women are called by God to enter the priesthood and religious life. Some people might ascribe the invitation to be some kind of a veiled insult, but please don't let that kind of hostile ignorance stop you from seeing the good in us and suggesting that God might actually love us and be calling us to something more.

That's exactly what an invitation to consider the religious life is about; that invitation alone is an expression that God loves us so much that He is asking us for a particular type of participation in His own love. It's not an insult by any stretch of the imagination, and if you suggest it to us, it's also an expression of your own affection for us, for it shows that you see something in us that maybe we don't see in ourselves, or, if we are thinking about it, it can be an affirmation to try.

We all need a little push sometimes.

When I was in High School, very involved in my parish, I used to cringe on "Vocation Sunday". I was very aware that I was one of the few (count 'em on less than one hand) involved teens. I knew I would be a prime target for the dreaded Vocation Invitation.

I loved serving in the capacity in which I served, but I didn't want to be a nun. Every time I heard a homily about Vocations, I would shake in my shoes and think, "No! I don't want to do that! I don't want to be a nun!"

Never mind that no one had EVER approached me with that idea.

We had a Sister in our parish, Sr. Zacchaeus, a very short lady who wore a modified grey habit and black veil. She had a perfect U-shaped smile, and actually tried to get me, via scholarship, to go to the local Catholic School. I was REALLY terrified of her during Vocations Awareness week! She often expressed how happy she was that I was so involved in the parish. And when she went down that route, I would try to slip away as quickly as I could. Quite literally, I was trying to avoid ever hearing anyone suggest that I "become a nun."

Either I was successful in my efforts or no one ever thought to bother to ask. I'll never know.

And I have a confession to make; there was a part of me that hoped maybe someone WOULD catch me and suggest, "Have you ever considered becoming a nun?"

Because even though on one hand it would be "uncool", on the other hand, I knew instinctively the love that comes with such a suggestion. And because I didn't know how I would react, I ran away before the subject could even be broached.

In looking back now, I have to wonder if maybe that was the mysterious Call...even then.

So what to look for?

That's a great question. But even I can't answer it.

Look for someone who is involved in their parish. Sometimes love for God is expressed first through service...or perhaps that service is what makes the catechesis hit the heart. Look for someone who loves prayer, who has a desire to learn the faith, and above all..a joy about doing so. Look for someone who is consistent (ie not given to following the latest "theological" fads), and truly seems to have a love for Christ.

Don't look for perfection, for a particular personality, a type of family. Maybe it's the girl who goes about some regular service in the parish, quietly, without pomp and circumstance. Does she attend Mass regularly? Every day? Is she in college? Just out of college? Is she in her 20's or her 40's?

Age doesn't matter. God calls everyone according to HIS will, not our timing.

Maybe she's the woman in the pew next to you on Sunday, or Tuesday, or the Holy Day. No ring on her finger, no children at her side. Maybe something about her strikes you and you wonder if maybe she's ever considered that option.

Maybe she needs to hear it from YOU.

Because she won't say a word. She might be living out a silent agony of indecision and a sense of unworthiness, terrified to ever consider that when God points His finger, or Jesus stretches out His hand, it might be towards her. You might be the person to make her reach back.

Give that invitation, and without hesitation. It doesn't matter if you can "spot" a future nun. If you even have an inkling, go ahead and make the suggestion. And if you know she is discerning, don't push, but also don't be afraid to offer encouragement.

How do you spot a future nun? You don't. But God does, and He might be using you to point her in the right direction.
*

Rich in Mercy

The most amazing thing happened yesterday.

I recieved a voice mail from the mother of a girl who need to recieve the Sacraments of First Communion and First Confession.

That's not so amazing. In fact, that's my job, to work with such parents and their children. But this call was different. Her question applied to an older child, one who is beyond the typical age.

I returned her call and after some chatting, I requested to know their background so as to know how we can best answer their needs. She was a bit hesitant, and explained that when her children were babies, she and her family fell away because the babies cried so much during Mass. And so, even as the children grew, she and her family just never returned to Mass, and admittedly, she was ashamed of this.

So I explained our current process for the Sacraments and that I will have to get back to her with an answer as to what to do specifically, but we will work with her. She was fine with that.

But our conversation continued as she explained that she hasn't been going to Communion since she has been away for so long, and doesn't feel that it's right to recieve.

My excitement was growing...this woman TOTALLY GETS IT! I affirmed her feelings; as she's been away, it is NOT proper that she recieve Commuion, and I commended her on doing the right thing. Then I just about fell out of my chair when she asked me, "How do I come back? What is the process I have to follow?"

So there, from my humble position on the floor under my desk, bursting with excitement, fighting to keep a measured tone, I simply affirmed what I'm certain she already knew...she had to go to Confession.

Quietly I said to God, "You're sending me an easy one! She already gets it!"

I did not allow too much of a lapse in our conversation, because I know from experience it's so hard to come back. And she's not coming back for herself; she is coming back for her children, and her return is a resistance to her husband who does not want to come back. So I looked up the hours for Confession at this parish, and explained she can come anonymously and has a right to do so. But I also recommended very strongly that she make an appointment with Father, and then...enter the testimonial.

There was no detail to my testimony; only enough so that she knew I understood her fears. She herself commented on a sense of shame and guilt for having been away so long. I told her I understood, I'd felt the same way...but that we want nothing more than to have her come back into communion with the Church. And that when she went to Confession, that it would be the same...it was that way for me. I emphasized that it SEEMS scary, but it's not, and that all she needed to do was to say it had been awhile, and Father would walk her through it.

I also recommended an examination of conscience. Unfortunately I did not have one immediately linked, but promised to get back to her with one; she accepted this.

One other issue that came up; she is not so familiar with the parish as it's been so long. She hasn't been to Confession in a long time, and was apparently never much of a member, so didn't know where the Confessional was. I gave "directions", but realized they didn't make a lot of sense to someone who doesn't know the geography of the building. Remembering that this was also one of my issues, I offered to meet with her to give her a tour of the church to help her feel more comfortable.

Because I've not spoken of this before, I feel it's proper to mention; one of the things that keeps people away from Confession is the lack of knowledge of WHERE the confessionals are! They aren't marked anymore in many places, they aren't obvious, and sometimes people need a MAP to get there! Some parishes have Confessions regularly, and so it's easier, but still. Even in my home parish, it's not obvious. Other churches have traditional confessionals, others have "Reconciliation rooms", and the lack of consistency is very confusing to people who have been away for a long time.

So I recognized in her the same fear I've had; where to go? What to do? When?

She didn't ask all her questions, and I didn't want to overwhelm her, so I just told her that if she has any questions, to call me, that I'd be happy to show her around, and encouraged her to call Father...because that's what I wish I had done.

What a wonderful lady. You should have heard the absolute relief in her voice! When our conversation began, there had been an edge; she was unsure. She had questions, not just about her children, but about her own status. She wanted to know what to do, but wasn't sure really how to ask. She wanted a map...but didn't know where to look for it. She had a clear sense of what was right and what was wrong...but wasn't certain that this was correct. My goodness, what an example of humility!

And if you could have heard her tone when she spoke of not recieving Communion...there was an ache there. She'll do anything to come Home. She was terrified that I would say something to build her sense of shame, and because I know that feeling, all I did was welcome her. All through our conversation, in the back of my mind, was the story of the Prodigal Son, and John Paul II's Dives in misericordia. All I could do was reach out to her, wanting to bring her and her family home.

I could hear her very desire to be reconciled; she knew she wanted to come Home. And I wanted to offer her that reconciliation; but I couldn't. I don't have the authority. I'm not a priest.

So I did what God created me to do; I reached out to her...and directed her onward, to the one with the authority. I can offer a welcome...but I can't offer her complete absolution.

And in the moment, I realized the power of the authority carried by priests; the ability to truly welcome us all home. I don't want to be a priest, and as a woman, I cannot be a priest. There are good, theological reasons here, and even those reasons came home in a different way today.

As a woman, my goal is not just to be like Christ, but to be like Mary, as my model, for she ALWAYS points to her Son. Today, someone came to me, and I got to point her to Christ, via the one who stands in personal Christi, the priest who was given, via ordination, the power to bind and loose. What a blessing! I never before considered the very Vocation of woman to stand "in persona Mariam". To always point to Jesus.

To all of you priests....do you REALIZE how AWESOME and INCREDIBLE this is, to be able to welcome people home, and by the very authority of Jesus Christ, to WELCOME them back HOME!????

Seriously...if I was a guy, I'd have called the Vocations office this afternoon and asked what I need to do to become a priest.

This is powerful stuff. Having a front row seat to conversion does amazing things.

And as I'm a woman, I'm going to take this to the next level; I'm not going to demand to be a priest; instead, I'm going to work as hard as I can within my state in life to help more men answer the call to the priesthood, and for women, the call to religious life. What woman would settle for being a priest when she could work to answer the need to cultivate a THOUSAND priests? As one person, I can do nothing; but if one day, a thousand priests and religious stand as witnesses at my Judgment and say I had a positive effect on their choosing or reinforcing their Call...well, I choose that. Let me stand "in persona Miriam", and do all within my ability to point people straight to Jesus Christ.