First Seek the Kingdom of God

This morning I planned to get up around 6 or 6:30 am, and be in to work around 8:30 am and work a nine hour day. You see, yesterday morning, because I was up too late Sunday night, I decided to sleep in, for I do have that freedom in my work schedule.

But this morning, I slept in, too. I just plain didn't want to get up. I tried sitting up a couple times, but both times, thought better of it and rested my head on my pillow once again. I looked up at my icon of Our Mother of Perpetual Help, and a nearby picture of Jesus, wishing I could be with them. Knowing that, if I got up, I could get to Mass if I rushed.

But no...I remained in bed. The second time I sat up and laid down, I began to wonder if, actually...was I depressed? Was this two-day-in a row problem with getting up a symptom of an actual chemical imbalance in my brain? Was I sick? I really had to consider it...am I depressed?

No. I'm not. Just...utterly and completely lazy. I COULD have gotten up. I just didn't want to.

Now, to be fair, once I did finally get up around 8:30 am, I did note some scratchiness in my throat and I have a little cough, so it could very well be that this fatigue is a symptom of an oncoming late summer cold. But...really, I feel fine.

The reality is that, during my "free" time this summer, when I wasn't on my discernment retreats, I got into the habit of staying up very late, knowing that I could sleep in. The irony here is that even THEN I often got up to go to Mass by 8 am...knowing that I could nap later. Now that I'm back to work full time, there is no napping. I need to get up and GO GO GO! School starts this coming weekend, and between the fact I know that both work and classes are going to be overwhelming me once again, well...I'm stressed.

I've long known that when stress enters my life, in many ways, I "shut down" and have to struggle to overcome that. I have to take a step back and objectively look at what's going on, and in so doing, turn each thing over to God.

This morning as I got ready for work, I wished I could just call in. In walking the dog, wanting silence, I didn't have my CD player (I don't own an ipod, can't afford it), so all I could hear was the noise of big trucks backing up, people yelling in the park as they played soccer, motorcycles, trucks, beeping, sirens...you name it. I live in large suburb but with all the noise around here you'd think I live in Times Square.

On that walk I realized that what I was really craving was...God. I need to go to Confession, I need to go to Mass. I need to RECEIVE Him in Holy Communion. The great irony of working full time, even in a church, is that once I'm on that work schedule I often don't have time to go to Mass. And..I needed true silence. The visit to the monastery has made me crave silence in a way I've never before experienced. Even before I went, I was eliminating noise from my house, but I can't control the noise of the city around me. And unless I stay into close contact with God, I can't maintain that private cloister in my soul where only He and I communicate. The outside world is too loud, and if I "leave", it becomes too boisterous to bear.

I do have to allow a little more honesty to enter into this "conversation", though. There IS one Mass I could get to, consistently....at 6:30 am. There are many reasons why I don't go, and there are days that I wouldn't be able to make it and for good reason. But...most days I have no excuse.

I'm not a fan of walking my dog in the dark for most of the year. It sometimes creeps me out. But my biggest problem....I have gotten used to staying up late and so I don't want to get up in the morning. No, I'm not a morning person, but still...it's MASS! People all over the world risk their LIVES to get to Mass and I'm too lazy to deprive myself of a little sleep a simple adjustment in schedule would solve?

But there's more....

There's a deeper reason I don't want to get up in the morning, and it isn't just laziness.

I'm weary from the battle. In all my hobbies and busy-ness and life, I know that God is trying to say something to me. In my last reatreat in silence and solitude, I became more deeply attuned to the presence of God in my life, and I can't escape Him, no matter what I do. He is with me in every moment. He sees everything I do, and even if I don't understand the reasons...He does. I can't escape His compassion, I can't escape His sacrifice. I can't escape His love, which He is showing me all the time, even as I run from Him.

But in my own panic I've been using everything around me in a spiritual "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and this can only go on for so long.

I can't get up in the morning because, in doing so, it means I have to face God. I open my eyes, and here He is. The early morning, the first few moments of rising are the most honest of our entire day. If we have any regrets, they crash down right then. If we have any doubts, they crowd in at that very moment when we are at our weakest. If we know we've been running for too long, we realize it then.

It's easier to pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes, feigning sleep as I did when I was a child and didn't want to wake up. It's easier to shut everything out, to delay the morning crush.

I'd rather face myself in the mirror after a rough night of tossing and turning than wake up to that spiritual assult of Truth, day after day.

So, this morning, I realized that it was time to return to simplicity: "First seek the kingdom of God."

I realized that being deprived of the Sacraments (Sunday is NOT enough!) is a problem, for I can't do anything without Him. I realized that I'm weary because I'm trying to shut God out and He will never tire, nor will He ever give up. If I try to keep this up, I'll be decimated, and rightly so.

I considered calling in to work this morning, as, I thought, my boss would be there but I had a few things to discuss with her. So I decided to work a couple hours then come home, spend time in prayer, being honest with myself and with God, and hopefully I'll be able to get to Confession tonight. (the time is limited and if the line is too long, which it often is, I might not be able to go).

I've decided that, with both work and school crushing down on me, I have to put myself on a schedule. It seems that prayer is always the first thing to be tossed, and when that happens, I lose everything.

I'm going to compose a schedule to follow, including regular time for prayer throughout the day. FORMAL prayer. I don't have the Liturgy of the Hours for nothing. I'm going to do my best to get to Mass if it means going at 6:30 am every weekday. Once school starts, I need to dedicate my short evenings to study, and then I need to get to bed. Even during my workday, I know that I can schedule regular prayer most days. I don't consider this to be a "break" but a requirement of the spiritual life and my job, and I know that neither my boss the DRE nor Father bats an eye at the idea of running to the church or chapel for prayer. I'm pretty sure they see it as a necessity, too.

If I can fulfill this schedule, it means less time for blogging and social networking. It means I need to get ahold of myself and dedicate myself to God. If He doesn't come first in EVERY MOMENT then I will be lost forever.

Of that I have no doubt.

For those who wonder why I'm writing this? Both for accountability (putting it in print has meaning!), and, well, take a look at the text in my sidebar:

"To whom do I tell these things? Not to you, my God, but before you I tell them to my own kind, to mankind, or to whatever small part of it may come upon these books of mine. Why do I tell these things? It is that I myself and whoever else reads them may realize from what great depths we must cry unto you. What is closer to your ears than a contrite heart and a life of faith?" ~ St. Augustine

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It's no secret to any of my readers that I'm not a Saint. I'm crabby, I get crabbier when I'm frustrated, and I'm a sinner. I tend to lash out instead of hold my tongue, and then, the part you don't see, is how I beat myself up about it. Much of this could be solved if I just spent more time with Him, and less time with myself.

Anyone seeking holiness knows exactly what I mean by that...maybe all of it.

I'm sorry for the offenses that I've caused and ask for your forgiveness. I hope that I can follow this schedule (which I haven't written yet) and ask for you all to pray for me.

Thank you and God bless you.
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