And I know that I am deserving of death. Even as I sit at Mass, I plot my next sin...I can't even sit through Mass without offending God.
But God is merciful, so in the psalm, we are given a reminder of God's mercy, and His help in turning away from sin, for He will reveal the path. God knows we are weak, we are lost, and we are enslaved to our sins.
In the second reading, we were reminded to put others before ourselves, regarding others MORE IMPORTANT than ourselves. Again, there I was being smacked. Each and every word condemned me.
But the frosting on this cake of conviction came in the Gospel:
A man had two sons.
He came to the first and said, 'Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.'
He said in reply, 'I will not, 'but afterwards changed his mind and went.
The man came to the other son and gave the same order.
He said in reply, 'Yes, sir,‘ but did not go.
Which of the two did his father's will?"
They answered, "The first."
I am the disobedient daughter. I am told to go, I say I will, and then I sit on my duff and do other things. I rarely refuse and then think better of it; I simply lie and say I intend to do something I have no intention of fulfilling.
This afternoon, while praying the Divine Office, this thought was nagging at me. I looked up at Jesus in the tabernacle, knowing my guilt, knowing HE knows my guilt. And I wondered how I could climb out of the cesspool I've created. I considered some people I surmise to be very holy, but remembered some of their own flaws. We all have our favorite sins, we all have things we're working on.
We're not perfect...and it is from that poverty that we reach upward towards Our Crucified Lord.
It came to me that yes, I'm a mess and I'm very entrenched in my sins. But in some areas of my life, things are getting better. I'm not ignoring ALL of God's grace...only selected Grace. It's a Grace alone to recognize that.
And Our Lord reminded me this very afternoon...He's not giving up. He did not go to the Cross for me only to give up on me. He's not asking for me to perfect myself; He's asking me to keep getting up, and keep trying. I may be the disobedient daughter, but maybe one day I'll finally be the one who does the Father's will.