Discernment Dilemma

My parish is a full-stewardship parish, meaning that we are fully self-supporting financially and in practice. This is a new status for our parish and somewhat experimental in our area, but we are a large church and really the ideal place to start such a calling.

With that, our leadership structure has become much different than the basic parish-council model.

We have a Parish Council, to be sure, and our Pastor has complete The-Buck-Stops-Here authority over all decisions. The council is made up of the chairpersons of all of the various Commissions...Finance, Liturgy, Education, etc.

Our leadership follows a discernment process, as opposed to a "nomination" process, so what happens is that the parish prayerfully discerns those who should be called to leadership and nominates them. The nominees, if they accept their nominations, attend two informational sessions to aid in their own discernment in order to determine whether or not they are indeed called to this service. The last disernment meeting is a regular Commission meeting (in June) during which the Commission of interest explains their role, learns about those discerning and they, in turn, learn about the commission and what is expected.

Last year, I was discerned onto the Liturgy Commission at my parish, beginning with 5 nominations. (I still have no idea who 3 of my nominators are). This involves a three year term, and I felt I could give that type of committment.

I remember thinking about grad school, was surprised by the thought, and figured, way back last May, that it was a done dream...I was dismissing the very idea, thinking it would never happen. So I stepped up to the plate and offered myself for the service of my parish.

It's been an interesting year, and I have come to understand that each and every meeting is one hour of my time served in Purgatory. As Father Corapi says, "Pay now or pay later!" I see my Commission service as "pay now!".

I'm not a "meeting" type of person. I hate politics. I'm developing a severe distaste for committees. My typical desire is to stand up and say, "LET'S MAKE A DECISION AND JUST DO IT!"

I'm ready to head out and carry out the decision.

Apparently I'm not a visionary...I'm a doer. I'd rather be given an assignment and take to it and see results, whereas a Commission involves discussing the obvious and considering the inane as though the inane were valid, define our role in the inanity, whether we should get involved in the inane and the obvious, and whether we have the authority to carry out the inane, and whether if we don't have the authority, who the proper authority should be and how it should be addressed and which authorities are actually qualified to carry out the decision on the act.

I don't think I can take this, but I have submitted so far for a year.

It's not all bad...I've met some great people through this service and I have learned a great deal from them. But I hold with my own initial feeling for my pre-nomination days: I can't "lead" my way out of a wet paper bag. What am I doing in "parish leadership"?

I actually attended a couple Parish Council meetings, and was seated next to one of our Associate Pastors (we had 4 priests at the time...now we have 3. We're a "mega-church", over 5200 registered families/individuals). I commented to him my above observation about this being Purgatory, and I'm not the first to say it. Actually, I think I asked him if the Council meeting alone counted for time off in Purgatory?

He laughed at me. I can't figure out why.

Then enter my Graduate School process. A year ago, it wasn't even on the radar screen; I'd actually given up on it but thanks to a friend, I considered it again and went seeking info, and now, I've been accepted to both the University of St. Thomas for an MA in Catholic Studies, and to Ave Maria University for an MTS (Masters in Theological Studies) in Pastoral Theology. I've accepted the latter, and look forward to goign through a 5 credit regimen beginning in late August.

I know what kind of committment this is going to take, and I don't plan to drop my involvement in RCIA. My level of committment to RCIA is likely to grow because our team has shrunk and our RCIA Coordinators have stepped down. I think our Faith Formation director is taking the brunt of that loss, but it will involve a higher level of committment from the two of us that remain.

I know I am called to serve in this ministry so I can't eliminate it even for Grad school.

So I thought to step down from the Liturgy Commission. I gave a committment for three years, but each year we discern on new members. The process allows for life changes, and I think that there is one happening for me, and whoever takes my place would be giving a 2 year committment.

I sent an email to our Chair to advise him of my discernment to step down. We had a brief discussion at our meeting this month, and today I happened to run into him after Mass.

Funny...just as I had been contemplating my status in the parish, the status as a single woman and where I am called to be.

My "resignation" is not being accepted. I explained to him the reason for stepping down; because I know the level of committment needed for my grad studies, and I can't guarantee I can be there for the Commission or dedicate myself to our work outside of the meetings as I will need that time to study and to deal with other life issues that arise for all of us.

He informed me that he understands, but for now, my name will remain on the roster and if I can't make it, they're willing to deal with that.

So I accepted this...since the terms are out there and they still want me to serve, I will serve.

We do have some things in the works that I helped to influence...like a possible Latin Norvus Ordo Mass, maybe a Tridentine Mass (for both, a one-time thing as a type of experiment), introducing Latin back into the Mass, little by little, etc. Bringing back the statuary and art so that we don't look so darned Protestant, giving better suggestions to break the dictatorship of the Environment committee (not a Commission) to be certain our decorations look liturgical and not like an Easter Basker exploded in the Gathering Space, etc.

I am still entertaining thoughts of stepping down, but I know that every valid call within the Church has to be affirmed by the Church, and since my resignation is not being accepted, and in fact, I'm being called to MORE service, in spite of my possible Grad classes and less time available, I'm thinking that my service is a Call.

I've been wondering all year what I'm doing serving on a Commission, wondering if the disernment process is broken for having placed me there.

But God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes He asks us to do things we would not otherwise do, and He uses others to bring us into His service.

I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I pray that whatever it is is God's will and that if I do remain on the Commission, that I am able to fulfill my obligations, and I am able to do all I need to do with RCIA, and I am able to do well in Grad school, if God does choose to pay for it for me. (My only obstacle to Grad school is funding, at this point...I still have no idea where the money is coming from as they are not accredited so I can't get tax breaks or regular student loans.)

As St. Therese of Avila once said to the Lord, "If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you don't have very many!"

Book Meme

Rob at Back to Catholicism tagged me this weekend for this book meme.

THREE NON-FICTION BOOKS EVERYONE SHOULD READ

1) He Leadeth Me, by Fr. Walter Ciszek, S.J.

Fr. Ciszek was convicted without trial of being a "Vatican Spy" back in the age of Stalin and faithful Jesuits, and spent 23 years in Soviet work camps. This book is his spiritual testament, his journey of faith in God, and service to the Lord's people even in the most God-forsaken places on Earth. This book has changed the lives of those who have read it.

2) The Theology of the Body, by Pope John Paul II (in a series of Wednesday audiences)

I believe it was George Weigel (another recommended author) who stated that TOB is a spiritual timb bomb set to go off...at any moment now. I think the explosion is happening as we speak. I have only just begun this book however due to teachings on this from various venues (radio, church, CD's, EWTN, etc.) I am familiar with the concepts and look forwad to letting John Paul II speak to me for himself on this topic. This is another book that will change your life, but does require intellectual fortitude and perseverence to get through it. I actually picked up a companion book, "Men and Women are from Venus" by Dr. Mary Healy, as a study guide to go along with it.

3) Four Witnesses, the Early Church in Her Own Words, by Rod Bennett

Rod Bennett set out to prove that the Catholic Church is wrong when he began researching the early Church Fathers. He set out to prove that the word "Catholic" wasn't even used in the early days. The result was that he was convicted and he converted to Catholicism in the process of his research. This book tells the stories of and provides some of the writings of Clement of Rome, St. Ignatius of Antioch, St. Justin Martyr, and St. Irenaeus of Lyons. Some people are familiar with the writings of Jeff Cavins, who happens to hail from my general neck of the woods here in Minnesota. His wife, Emily Cavins resisted conversion to the Catholic Church...until she read this book. My friends who own St. George Books explained this to me on the day I bought this book, and I can understand how this particular title can effect conversions. I read it during my weekly Adoration hour and rediscovered that sense of being a part of something ancient and even a greater renewal in dedication to the Blessed Sacrament. There came with that also an amazement and sense of gratitude for the holy martyrs (many of whom have never been identified), those holy men and women who voluntarily stood in solidarity and claimed to be Christians as their leaders were being sentenced to death for following Christ. They knew what would happen and how their horrible deaths would be torturous and put on for the entertainment of others...and still, they stood up and proclaimed allegiance to Christ in the very face of the lions set to devour them.

Read this book. Please.

THREE BOOKS OF FICTION EVERYONE SHOULD READ

1) Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis

This book captured me as a child, and when I reread it as an adult, I was still just as enraptured and embarassed to realize I still had the impulse to go to the back of my walk-in closet to see if the back wall was still there...or was there an entryway into Narnia? Also as an adult I was able to better see the Christian themes woven throughout, and by the end, I was "ready" to go to Heaven. (Those who have read "The Last Battle" will know what I mean.)

2) Father Elijah, Michael D. O'Brien

This is an incredible story of a monastic priest called to Rome for a specific purpose. The descriptions of society and government are a little too apt. O'Brien captures the essence of our current days in such a way that, while this book is fiction, you cannot help but question the truth portrayed in his words and realize how easily the "end times" could be upon us, even as we sleep in everyday complacence thinking, "everything is as it should be."


3) To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

I read this in Jr. High, I think, and have read it over and over since then. Most people know about this story, and for those of you who don't....go get it now and read it!

THREE AUTHORS EVERYONE SHOULD READ

1) C.S. Lewis
2) John Paul II
3) St. Francis de Sales

THREE BOOKS NO ONE SHOULD READ

1) Roman Catholicism, Lorraine Boettner.

Complete disregard for the facts in favor or pushing an anti-Catholic agenda. Flagrant display of a lack of moral and intellectual integrity on the part of the author. The work most frequently cited by anti-Catholics who sincerely believe the lies in that book.

2) DaVinci Code, Dan Brown

You'll never get all those hours of your life back.

3) Left Behind, Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye.

While this book actually was a factor in my reversion to the Church because it called my attention to the fact that I really needed to have a relationship with God, and the outright anti-Catholicism was so obvious to offend me back into the fold, this book is complete tripe wrought with bad pop theology.

Blogs of Our Lives - Pilot Episode

The Characters:

We begin in a small corner of St. Blog's Parish, a thriving city community in Minnesota, where Ray, the local Catholic "scoop", is hard at work perusing headlines to bring to the Catholic Faithful who read his blog. He is also alert to forward on the latest offense against the Church to the local Catholic Defense League. Ray is a lifelong Catholic with his own past he shares only with his closest Catholic friends, and anyone else he cares to share it with, and has found a home by parish-hopping and featuring articles on "Great Parishes!". He used to be a combox jockey but finally started a blog at the urging of his good friends Adoro and Cathy. Now the local St. Blogs residents wouldn't be able to do without his information or his humor.

Ray's most recent story points to Cathy, the Recovering Dissident Catholic who is apparently still sporting the Chrism from her annointing on the Easter Vigil, during which she was Confirmed. The Holy Spirit has a good hold of her and she is calling us all to be committed Catholics and wear our beliefs as a badge of honor, for that is what it is! Keep an eye on Cathy to see where her always entertaining and informative observations will take us next! Of note in her ongoing saga, her family manse, as she calls it, recently sold, and while she has happy memories of the home, she has come to reaize that it's not really home if her loved ones aren't in it.

After all, a house is just a box you keep your stuff in while you hang out with the people you love the most.

More on Cathy...she used to attend the local black eye parish, the dissident of all dissident locales but clawed her way out of the pit through a grueling regimen lead by the Holy Spirit and a healthy dose of Truth to bolster her upwards. Now she's one of the strongest Catholics on the block.

Let's switch scenes now and pan over to the ever elusive Terry Nelson at Abbey Roads. . Terry has a past occassionally alluded to but never fully shared; a past to include residence at different monasteries, and a history akin to that of St. Augustine (who doesn't have that kind of history?), but found his way home to Mother Mary's arms. Unfortunately the road lead to a terrible position in a poisonous atmosphere of an allegedly Catholic business which he recently left. What is he going to do? The drama is ongoing, and in order to escape the notice of whatever powers that be, Terry takes on a new identity on a daily basis.

Terry has yet another informative post up today, lamenting the damage done by calumny and the care we all need to take to avoid gossip. Terry often gives moral voice to the failings we all seem to fall into on a regular basis. It's always good to go check out Terry's blogs, because one never knows what he's going to look like from day to day. What will Terry look like tomorrow?

Meanwhile, in another corner of St. Blog's Parish, Happy Catholic and her husband are celebrating their 23rd Wedding Anniversary. Congratulations to the happy couple and may they have many more!

Happy Catholic (Julie D.) is a staple in St. Blog's, perhaps the heart and soul of all those who know and read her work. She provides the wisdom of the sages in her daily pages, ever leading those who seek such wisdom closer to the Lord they seek. Whenever she is not sharing her faith she's sharing her recipes and working on her latest knitting project. If St. Blog's were a real parish, it would be wealthy indeed for people would come from near and far to experience her home-grown version of Catholic hospitality.

And Father V. over in the Cleveland area of St. Blog's is offering a challenge to his extended parish family - can YOU give all the responses to these common calls used during the Mass? Check in tomorrow over at Adam's Ale for the answers!

Fr. V. has been sharing his story little by little, leading from theater to seminary, finding humor in the every day and explaining the art around us that has nearly been lost by the extreme confusion that happened after the "reforms" of the Second Vatican Council. Fr. V. is a fan of people, parishioners, art, symbolism in liturgical art, education for the laity, holiness, the Pope, and "The Princess Bride." While he hasn't been "assigned" to St. Blog's for long, he's already a beloved spiritual leader among us and has experienced all the battles waged at the real life parish level, if subdued by the cybercharacter of the internet.

And what's a story without the mysterious MIA's?

Angela Messenger, one of the resident Canadians, RCIA instructor at a circular-in-architecture parish, has taken holiday to places unknown. Word on the street is that she's informed a few people as to how she can be reached, but the info is top secret and can't be shared among the general St. Blog's audience. A hush falls over the parish as everyone wonders if someone will leak her wherebouts...and if so, will she be in danger?

Or is she only visiting her family?

At Angela's parish, there is a broiling controversy surrounding the imminent destrction of a building that now houses the Adoration Chapel. Where to move it? What will this mean? And will her Pastor's attempts to place the altar and tabernacle in a place of reverence in spite of the poor "Spirit of Vatican 2" wreckovation architecture cause people to take their families and flee...or will moving Adoration to the main Sanctuary bring people flocking in worship of our Lord and foster Vocations for years to come?

The other missing woman is Ironic Catholic. All she left was a mysterious message:

Out of town
...until Monday. Have a good weekend, all!

What can this mean? Ironic's true identity is unknown. We know (because she says so on her blog) that she is a professor of Theology somewhere, she has been grading papers, and she is a fan of satire and caption cotests. Now she's on a secret retreat of some sort, and, unlike Angela, she didn't forward any contact information.

Hmm....time to get out the magnifying glass.

Sarah is another missing blogger. She's a farm wife and mother from Ohio with a wee little one and another on the way, and her voice has been absent, although she commented on the recent Catholic Carnival for last week. Did she run away when she heard the lambs screaming? Did she get lost in the pasture, or did she simply step in a cow pie and has been spending the week prying the damage from her shoe treads?

Is it significant that THREE women and no men from St. Blog's is missing? Are they in cahoots? Are they planning a takover of dissident parishes? Are they ringleaders?

Or have they really been kidnapped?

And what is the Catholic Church without a black eye somewhere?

This parish has all the doings and human failings of a regular church, coupled with the extreme confusion and even outright disobedience of your favorite dissidents! Check out the antics of Che' (not his real name - it really starts with a "B") the Music Minister, and Todd, the Music Director as they go at each other's throats. And will Che' find his missing red backback? And will the mysterious Keith, (whose marijuana-stuffed red backpack was found by the hapless and cluless Fr. Juno) get his weed back? And what's going to happen with Che's banners or the Myn's or Wymyn's groups?

Meanwhile, in West St. Blog's, Father Reichtsteig, the pyromniac priest, is up at arms about Ascension Thursday having been moved to Sunday, thus depriving the faithful of a Holy Day which is truly still in existence. He also, grasping reality, cautions the faithful that the current "advertisement" for priests is none other than a couple of antisocial losers promulgated by MTV in the 90's...how can this possibly be a good thing?

Stay tuned for the next episode and additional characters from....BLOGS OF OUR LIVES....



STAGE DIRECTION:

(music playing...)


Ave....Maria........gratia plena.....

Unknown Saints

I have sensed for a long time that we need to recognize the unknown Saints.

Indeed, on All Saints' Day, we do recognize all the Saints, "known and unknown", but when do we really consider the unknown? During the month of October, we pray especially for the Holy Souls in Purgatory, but they are not yet the unknown Saints.

For your consideration:

There are the known saints...those that were recognized for their sanctity before their deaths: St. Padre Pio (the patron of my family), Bl. Mother Theresa, St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Francis de Sales, etc. There are so many!

There have been many Saints beatified and canonized in our time or in recent times, to include priests, religious, and the laity. From every generation arises spiritual giants that somehow obtain notice, perhaps through a certain act or contact with the general population, and are recognized for their inherent holiness. For some, such as Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, his acts and holiness were not recognized fully until his very funeral, when his deeds were revealed.

But what of the men and women in cloisters? There may be many who have attained a level of holiness warranting canonization, but for one reason or another are not recognized by the proper authorities as such. That does not mean that God does not recognize them, for as Scripture reveals, God honors what is done in private...while we see what is outward, God sees what is interior, in the heart, and what is hidden has far greater merit than that which is expressed externally.

That doesn't just apply to those who have been chosen to enter a papal enclosure; there are men and women all over the world who live lives of holiness every day, lives of quiet sainthood, asking nothing, giving everything, all for the glory of God.

Isn't it feasible that some of these souls are not recognized, for God has designs for them? For He desires that their works be hidden, part of the mystery of the wonder of Man, of the amazement of humanity, of the holiness of God's divine plan for salvation?

For those who may be skeptical, let me offer a worldly view of what I am saying.

Have you ever watched the Winter Olympics? As I am American, I must focus on the American team, although what I have to say may apply to Canadians as well (mantilla twitch to my Canadian readers out there, ski fans or not).

Have you ever paid attention to where the elite athletes come from? Denver, CO, Park City Utah, Tao, CA, etc. They come from SKI TOWNS. They are raised on the slopes, no wonder they're elite! Then consider a few others...Kristina Kosnik from my backyard, (literally for a year, it was my back yard - Buck Hill, called locally "Buck Bump"), a World Cup winner from Burnsville MN, and her friend from the same area, Tasha Nelson. Both Olympic competitors. But do you know what the latter two had? Great instruction from a skiing great.

This is something MOST people never have access to. When you watch the elite in these sports, you are seeing the privileged. Picabo Street, my skiing hero (not in person, but in ability) had a hippie family that sacrificed greatly upon recognition of her talent, she nearly threw it all away, had a "conversion" and went on to win Olympic medals...grew up in the mountains. The Mahr brothers...grew up in the mountains.

Yes, God placed them there, and yes, free will is always involved, but I have dreamed since I was a child of becoming a world-class skier. Ever since I saw my first race on TV, that's where I knew I wanted to be, but it was not to happen. When I did finally learn to ski, really ski, well into adulthood, I found out I had a certain natural ability, and it took me completely by surprise. While I joked that I was the next Picabo Street, we all knew that was nothing more than a joke, but the sport came so easily, I had to wonder about "what if...?"

As usual, you may be asking what my point is. Be patient. I'm getting to it, but my thought process is much like John Paul II's...we like to take the scenic route. Yeah, it takes longer and causes an increase in perseverance and fortitude just to get through it, but when we're done, we're that much wiser.

Yeah, so I'm not called to be an Olympic Skier. I'll get over it. Really. But in my time on the Ski Patrol here in MN, I've seen many stellar skiers, kids who could be the next big thing...if they are but given the chance. If they lived in the right place. I do think that for some of them, if they were in Colorado or Vermont or California and not Minnesota, they'd be there.

Those, my friends, are the unknowns. Maybe they become great locally, and have the talent, the drive, the ability...but don't get the breaks that take them where they need to go. I agree...all in God's plan, for if He wants them there, they will get there. But maybe God wants them to be REALLY GOOD where they are, ski their hearts out, and find their happiness at Buck Bump in Burnsville, or Wild Mountain in St. Croix Falls, or Welch Village in Red Wing. Maybe they have the talent, and they practice and continue to get better, and if they were to finally get the opportunity to compete at the elite level, this "unknown" would blow everybody away, surprising themselves as well as the world...well...those are the equivalent of the Unknown Saints.

The Unknown Saints are those chosen by God specially to be the hidden firepower of the Church. Yes, the cloistered contemplatives are the backbone of the Church, but the Unknown Saints bolster the backbone and spread out to the hands...the Unknowns are the nervous system of the Church, and we hardly recognize their presence. They walk among us. They live lives like ours. They go to work, they raise families, they live alone as singles...but their hearts are elevated to God alone. They do not live for recognition, but simply live in humility of the Glory of God...and they die like everyone else, have funerals like everyone else, and no one realizes that they are interceding and prayers are being answered because of the unknown Saint.

The Church has a process for formally recognizing Sainthood through a painstaking process. This process does not negate Sainthood, only makes it clear which IDENTIFIED persons have met certain criteria such that they can be declared to be formal residents of Heaven, as opposed to Purgatory. There is still a clause for the Unknown Saints, for they are already recognized by God, or souls released from Purgatory into eternal union with God, or perhaps they are Saints in the early process of canonization. Or they are Saints who walk among us, such as Sister Faustina who experienced the prayers of others while still walking the earth.

For those of you who are still skeptical of the Unknown Saints, I ask you to consider the early Church, and the blood that provided the seed of the Church. The martyrs. Never forget the holy martyrs who died for the faith long before the rhetoric of our current culture of death. I have read accounts of regular men and women, who, in the face of death, stood proudly and claimed themselves to be Christian...even as the Lions drooled. The story of St. Iraneaus comes to mind. St. Justin Martyr. Their deaths were accompanied in that time period with countless others, and we shall never know their names. They are the unknown Saints, and on All Saints' Day, during the Litany of the Saints, and at the Easter Vigil, we recognize them, not by name but by grouping.

What Unknown Saints walk among us?

This weekend, I am going to find a vigil candle to light in honor of the Unknown Saints. I can't seem to find a novena to them so I'll see if the Lord inspires me to pen one of my own. If you know of an existing novena specific to the Unknown Saints, please let me know.

All you unknown Saints of God....pray for us!

Another "MeMe" Meme

Desperate Irish Housewife tagged me for a meme:


1. What do you hope to accomplish with your blog?

Good question. I started out thinking had nothing to say, only to find out that apparently I had something to say. So now I would say that I hope to be accomplishing exactly what Jesus Christ told us to do...to spread the Gospel. I also hope to be "discovered" and to find my way into the world of formal publication. (Yeah, fat chance, I know. But a girl can dream, can't she?)

2. Are you a spiritual person?

If you mean "spiritual" in the wishy-washy "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual" BS, no, I'm not "spiritual." If you mean "spiritual" to signify a soul seeking intimate union with the Heavenly Father via all the treasures given to us by the Catholic Church in order to achieve this wonderful gift...then yes, I'm spiritual. Just a soul trying to find my way home.


3. If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three things would you want to have with you?

A military Survival Guide (or maybe Anarchist Cookbook), a magnifying glass, and duct tape. And WD40

4. What’s your favorite childhood memory?

Christmas when Mom and Dad were still married.

5. Are these your first (tagging) memes?

Nope.

Here are the rules according to whomever likes to make up rules: • Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. • People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. • At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. • Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.


Hmm....8 random facts.

1. I used to be an accomplished flutist and during High School I played trumpet in the Pep Band during basketball season, and in a band for a stage adaptation of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

2. I almost won the role of "Annie" in "Annie Get Your Gun" when I was 16, played her part for 2 blissful weeks while the real "Annie" finished her finals at college, and then I was the understudy. The formal role I was given was in the chorus. (I have photos of myself from this wonderful summer in Community Theater).

3. I can grill a mean steak!

4. A couple years ago I nearly adopted a neglected horse, but ended up doing the right thing and formally reported the neglect. I supported my contentions with photos which I emailed to the county deputy and gave him my name, but asked that I remain anynymous. The ranch owner found out that it was me and when he caught me there that April, he banned me from the ranch.

5. When in Arizona for training a few years ago, a friend and I climbed Camelback Mountain in Scottsdale hoping to obtain great photos of a desert sunset. We were caught in a severe thunderstorm at the summit, went off the trail while trying to descend in the darkness and pouring rain while lightning struck nearby, and somehow finally made our way to the maw of the camel. (Those who know this mountain will know what I'm talking about.) Hmmm....sounds like a blog post I haven't written yet.

6. I jumped off of a waterfall in Mexico in the Sierra Madres in a very remote area.

7. I am very appreciative of a good Pinot Noir

8. I met Maya Angelou when I was a Senior in college, and assigned to plainclothes detail as a "Special Agent" (with the local Police Dept.) during her appearance at another university in town. She wanted to meet those of us who were there to provide for her safety, so the Investigator I was working with and I went backstage after her speech by her request. Ms. Angelou paid me a compliment I'll never forget.


I tag:

* Cathy
* Ray
* Terry
* Ultracrepidarian (yeah, I know...you don't wanna...but you really do...)
* Fr. V.
* Julie D.
* Sarah
* Bethski

Coadjutor Nienstedt

I read the letter from Archbishop Nienstedt published in the Catholic Spirit today, and my heart just goes out to him.

He's been bashed A LOT in our local publications, and even though he hasn't even begun his work here, people have been judging and crucifying him, while demanding that they themselves not be judged BY him. The complete incharitability of some of his detractors is astonishing in its compete malice. I will not republish any of that distasteful stuff here; suffice to say that anyone following his appointment has also been reading the letters and editorials and knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I think we need to remember that Archbishop Nienstedt is a human being and it must be terribly hurtful for him to hear about or read such comments made by people who have not taken a moment to bother getting to know him. He hasn't been given a chance yet. None of us has a right to condemn someone who hasn't even taken his place yet.

Of course, I'm in the camp that, in taking a look at his track record, see a man ready to step up and defend our faith, explain our teachings correctly and without wish-wash, and get to know and understand what's happening here before he takes any specific actions.

God bless him.

From his letter:

As you know, the local newspapers have assumed a "tabloid-like sensational" posture to my nomination, seeking to discredit me in your minds before we even meet. Personally, I find this very inhospitable and not at all in keeping with the classic Minnesota attitude of "fair play."

I ask you to keep an open mind at least until we meet, which I hope will be soon.

I plan to begin making the rounds to our parishes, our Catholic schools and religious education programs as soon as the summer ends.

You know, I have always considered the church a family. We may disagree about one thing or another, but we must, in the end, reconcile our wills to the mind of Christ as it comes to us through his body, the church.

AMEN TO THAT!

And that's all I have to say. I find that our soon-to be Archbishop speaks best so I ask everyone to take heed to his heartfelt plea and cut him a break.

MeMeMEME!

I was tagged by Cathy and Ray both for this Meme that has been making the rounds.


All About MEme


1. Male or Female: Female

2. Married or Single (or religious): Single

3. Dream vacation: Pilgrimage to the Holy Land or Rome, or both. Or Skiing...or why not ski San Moritz in Italy when visiting Rome?

4. Birthplace: Rockford, IL, in a hospital

5. Area I live in currently: The box I keep my stuff in, called a "house". in MN

6. Someone you wish you could meet: Yeah, I know everyone SAYS this, but I REALLY want to meet the Pope!

7. Biggest "pet-peeve": Hmmm..... Dog owners who do not pick up after their pets, esp. in public areas.

8. Favorite Religious devotion: Eucharistic Adoration

9. Favorite Saint (besides the Blessed Mother): So many! St. Joseph is up there.

10. Favorite sport that you play: Windmill jousting

11. Favorite food: Pizza or Fajitas

12. Tridentine or Novus Ordo: I have never attended a Tridentine Mass, although I want to. So I have to say Novus Ordo by default, HOWEVER, appropriate reverence and orthodoxy are a requirement.

13. Would you (or are you) home school or public school: Went to public school, but depending upon where I live if I ever have children, I may consider home schooling if there are no good Catholic schools available.

14. How many kids do you have: none. I have two dogs.

15.Ever been in an auto accident: Yes. Was a passenger in a vehicle when I was 13 and hit the windshield. Also totalled my own car, a Honda Prelude, my VERY FIRST CAR (3 months to the date after I bought it) back in 1992.

16. Ever seen a Pope in person: No, but I play one on TV.

17.Languages that you know fluently: English (I struggle sometimes to form words and sounds), Spanis (6 years in school, 3 months immersion in Mexico). I wouldn't call myself fluent anymore, but I can carry on a coversation, even if haltingly.

18.Last movie you saw in theatres: The Nativity

19.Favorite Blog: Several

20.Your thoughts on Barney, the Easter bunny, and Santa Claus: I don't think about Barney. Why would I? He's a purple dinosaur with an annoying song. Easter Bunny...well, I had no problem with it when I was a child and if I had children the "Easter bunny" would come for them, too...but as a childless adult I don't think about that character either. Santa Claus...well, St. Nicholas was a real saint and if we could all emulate him we'd all be happier.

I'm not sure there's anyone left to tag on this. So, if you care to tag yourself put a note in the combox and I'll link you.

Motherhood of Mary

I grew up in a very chaotic home; my parents were divorced when I was eight and a short time later, Mom was diagnosed as a "Manic-Depressive" (Currently known as "Bipolar Disorder"). I will not go into detail as to what my brother and I suffered during those years forward...suffice to say that I still have a difficult relationship with my mother and I still find it hard to trust in her or anyone else.

I want you to understand, however, that my mother is a Saint. Even through her disease, while she fought the extremes to which she was taken, she never let go of Our Lady's hand. It drove me crazy; I saw her as a fanatic especially when she constantly thrust reading material with regard to the Blessed Mother under my nose and demanded that I read it RIGHT NOW! I rarely read any of it, and in fact, I pulled away from any devotion to the Mother of God just because it was "Mom's thing", and as we all knew, Mom was nuts.

Yeah, Mom was mentally ill...but she could see clearly enough to know who would see us all through. It wasn't Mom so much as Our Lady that kept my brother and I from going off the deep end ourselves, although we had plenty of opportunities. I am certain, in looking back, that Mom asked the Blessed Mother to take over, to watch over us because she could not, and to somehow provide the protection we so desperately needed in a world that would never have our best interests at heart.

Yes, I fell away from the Church, I got into all sorts of things I should not have gotten into, and when I finally came home, I know it was because of the prayers of my Mother. While I am most certainly an emotional person, my conversion was intellectual as I sought to have my questions answered, and as, in the background, Mom prayed even though she knew nothing of my life. Even as she underwent her myriad of trials, she prayed for us, and her prayers did not go unanswered.

As I came Home to the faith, I did not have a relationship with Our Lady. I always remembered the devotion from my youth, however. Mom had taught us to pray the rosary, and we hated it, but it was part of our life, especially when storms hit. I learned from Mom to flee to Our Lady when there was trouble, and to ask for her assistance and her sheltering arms. In particular, I remember one storm durng which I sat on the step as Mom rushed around closing the windows and herding us into the closet in the face of the tornado warnings and raging winds and lightning. I had taken out a rosary and even though my brother laughed at me, I prayed Hail Marys with all my heart and soul, and I am convinced to this very day that all of Heaven responded to protect us during that storm.

Yet when I came back to the Church, I did not know Mary, and I did not understand all the devotions to her, although I accepted them because they have always been a part of my life and the life of my Mother.

Slowly, this has been changing, little by little. I knew I needed her presence in my home, so when my last Grandmother died, I took the small portion of the estate I was given and I bought a statue of Our Lady, a Renaissance Madonna with the most tender of expressions, pulling her veil around the infant Jesus resting in the crook of her left arm. Ever since this statue entered my home, my devotion to her has grown, and I have begun saying the rosary nearly every day.

Slowly, I have been approaching her for intercession, begging for her assistance, and coming to a theological understanding as to who she is, amazement at her creation, and wonder at her maternity of us all.

Of late, I have fallen in love with her icon, the image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I don't know what it is about this particular image, but she draws me in so intimately; and through this, there has been an even deeper union with Jesus, especially as the child in her arms.

Ever since I bought my house a few years ago, I have been seeking an image of the Immaculate Heart of Mary to match the Sacred Heart of Jesus hanging near the crucifix in my livingroom, but I've had no luck. The image I grew up with is nowhere to be found. To date, I still have a bare spot on the wall dedicated to a picture I don't have.

I have also begun seeking an icon for my wall, more recently, of Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I found a votive dedicated to her and it has been constantly lit when I am home. I don't know why, but this is the image that most appeals to me at this time in my life, and she has drawn me deeper into the mystery of the redemption, as well as the mystery of her maternal love for all of us.

Today, Mother's Day, I went into my parish's gift shop before Mass to purchase some votive inserts, and something told me to "look around." I resisted; for fear I would buy something I don't need right now and can't afford. So I remained focused, even as that little feeling told me to "glance around the store."

Just as my candles were rung up, I happened to lift my eyes to the back wall...to see an image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, the ONLY one I've been able to find since I first fell in love with the icon from an online image.

I asked about the cost...not nearly as dear as a more authentic copy of the icon, which I'd never be able to afford. I wasn't in love with the gold frame, but it was passable. I started to walk away, but couldn't. Her eyes would not let me go, and I realized this particular image was in place for me.

I bought the picture, and happened to run into a priest just as I left the store and headed to Mass. I didn't even have to seek him out to bless the icon.

Now the oddest thing is happening...I experimented with a couple places, but in my home, this picture has only ONE place, and it is as though this section of wall was MADE for her icon. And I can't expalin it, but ever since I hung it there, my home has taken on a sense of her maternal presence and protection that I did not discern prior to this, in spite of other images and statues placed in various rooms.

Do not ever fear to go to Our Lady for her intercession....at the foot of the Cross, Jesus instituted her maternity over us all. She is truly our mother. She truly answers our prayers and in doing so, she leads us ever closer to Jesus, always pointing to him through every action.

I still have a long ways to go in my relationship with my earthly mother, but it seems Our Lady is reaching out to me and today, gave me a gift I did not expect. I am not a mother, only a daughter, but it seems our heavenly mother is not adverse to reminding her children that she is present and ready to assist us with our earthly needs.

Maybe someone reading this has the same difficulty as I in understanding motherhood; go to the Blessed Mother. Let yourself be absorbed into this icon, each and every line, each and every color, and ask her for help. She will never disappoint you.

A little Mother's Day Humor

I found this over at Father Joe's blog.

Answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mother?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Go over to visit Fr. Joe and read the rest!

And to all you Mothers out there, you know who you are...God bless you and thanks for saying YES to life!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Blessed are the poor and meek

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

I never really understood these beatitudes, for I always inflicted my own definition upon the terms used. "Poor" must mean "financially bereft", and "Meek" must mean...uh...well, turning the other cheek.

But as I've been studying theology in earnest, and as I've come across several speakers to discuss this very thing, I think I have a better, more complete understanding now.

"Poor in spirit" has nothing to do with depression or finances; rather, it speaks of true humility. What Jesus was saying was that those who recognize that they are dust, that all they have and all they know is from God and of God, are getting the point of their existance. None of us can claim control; control is an illusion, for all that we think belongs to us is only a gift from God for our usage and stewardship. We HAVE to be poor in spirit to recognize that and apply this poverty to all that we have been given, relizing that it was given for a purpose and we must use it to further the Kingdom of God.

"Blessed are the meek" ~ this one is a little more difficult. What does it mean to be "meek"? I would suggest a change in terms: "docile". Docile to God's will, willing to go where lead by God, willing to accept life on God's terms, not upon our own false sense of control over our situation.

Yes, we have to make choices, daily, and yes, we have free will. God will never contradict our free will, and this is the reason for the Beatitudes; he is explaining to us how to reach our ultimate goal, to be fully realized as human beings in cooperation with God's will. It is when we decide that we are in control that we lose our poverty of spirit and our meekness, wherin there lies the true power given to us by God.

God has a plan for each and every life on earth. Every one, down to the embryo created in a petrie dish. Each life is blessed with a plan and a purpose, and as we come into our own cognition, we find we have the opportunity to say "yes" or "no" to God. Daily.

I am working hard at being poor and meek, and the harder I work at this, the more I realize that while I give these virtues lip service, I do not live them out. I am impatient, I am a complainer, and I am fighting hard to maintain what I think is "control". But I never had control. Ever. God always did, and he has allowed me to live out my fantasy of control and he has allowed me to live out the consequences of that.

It is never too late to give the reins back over to God, fully.

The Simpsons's has a sequence in their introduction showing Maggie at the wheel of the car; it's just a child-sized steering wheel she holds while Marge really does the driving.

That's us, folks. We're all sitting there with a false steering wheel, honking our horns, twisting the wheel, and pretending we are directing the car that carries us along.

What an illusion. What a complete illusion.

Yes, God will let us drive if we really insist....and when we crash into the nearest telephone pole, he'll still be there to bandage our wounds and kiss away our tears. He'll do that as long as we insist we are in control, because he will not impose his will upon us...we have to be willing to invite Him.

That is true poverty. That is true humility. That is what it means to be meek.

It's Official

I got my "Thanks for interviewing" letter today.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me in this process. God has spoken, and this is not where He is calling me, and I accept that.

If I could please humbly ask you all to keep praying. I need a miracle, and I need one SOON, and I have nowhere to go.

The good news is that my resume is up-to-date!

So to Sing

Some of you read my post from January in which I discussed why I don't sing anymore. I have not felt called to join the choir or cantor in my current parish, although when I was in high school I was very involved with the music ministry. Now I'm content to sit in the pew and sing from that vantage point. I also think that just being an average pew sitter has been healthy for me.

This year during RCIA, I happened to mention during one of my talks that I used to sing, and one of our priests happened to be in attendance that day as he was the scheduled catechist. When he took the podium he told the class that he's just learned something new about me; and that we need cantors. He also let me know afterwards that he thinks I should get into it again, and I told him I don't sing anymore. I wouldn't tell him why.

Well, last week I made the mistake of singing a couple lines from a parody in his presence, and he basically ordered me to become a cantor. I initially refused...sort of. But I also realized that perhaps obedience comes into play and perhaps God is asking me to sing again. I had considered long ago whether I should step up, but given my reservations, I offered this question to God as the judge; if He wanted me to sing, then I would have to be invited to do so.

I realized that Father was inviting - nay - ordering me to cantor.

So upon that reflection, I sent him an email and told him that if he really wants me to sing again, I will.

I do have serious reservations about this, partially because I don't have the voice I used to have. But if it's time to offer my voice again for God's glory, then I am willing.

The photo I posted is from college; I was singing "Safe in the Arms of Love" by Martina McBride. I still had a decent voice back then. So have no fear; the above is NOT a liturgical abuse as it did not take place in the context of the Liturgy.

I just pray that, if this cantoring thing does come to fruition, my rusty cords don't cause my fellow Catholics to suffer.

VOCATIONS

First of all, I'd like to dispel some myths.

There's not so much a crisis in Vocations as there is a crisis in Catechesis. Those are two very different things, and those realities are bourne out very practically. For example, it is those parishes that are all about "Social Justice" divorced from Morality, Tradition, and Obedience, that are crying out about this "crisis." They are crying because they can only see what is in their own backyard because they have shut out the light that is the Truth. Their "solution" is "married priests", "women priests" and varying innovative liturgies and "theologies" such as "eco-spirituality" and other nonsense.

Then there are those parishes that are Faithful, bother to teach the Faith LINKED to Morality, emphasize the Sacraments...and in those parishes, Vocations are RISING. It is reality. And the contrast leaves nothing to debate.

I began this blog while I was discerning a call to religious life. This call occurred first in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, completely freaked me out, but made me take a very deep look at my faith, the reality of the Church, and my place within her. It was people I knew who came to me to reinforce this call and the need to discern, and I thank God for them.

But there is a problem, even in the faithful parishes.

We tend to ignore or minimize Vocations for women to the religious life.

I hear and read FAR more about dissident women seeking an ordination of power they will never have, than I do about women who are hearing the call to live as Spouses of Christ in faithful acceptance and obedience.

When I was discerning, while I recieved a great deal of support from the people in the Charismatic prayer group I was involved with at the time, (for the record, they would have put the quabash on any Community that was without a habit and that subscribed to anything other than faithful orthodoxy), and those priests I knew were also supportive...in prayer. What else could they do?

I was blessed with a Spiritual Director at the time, and I told him of my discernment over the phone...I think he was more surprised than anyone else. (You have NO IDEA what a mess I was...). We discussed it upon our next meeting. I'm certain he knew what the outcome would be (NOT CALLED), but he was gracious and knew I had to follow this path. He had been a Vocations Director in his home parish in India (is now a "Monsignor" and the Vicar General), and told me I had to go that route, and do what I was told.

So I called our Vocations Director, set up an appointment, and had a meeting with him on a very hot June day a couple years ago. Our meeting took place on the campus of the University of St. Thomas, and since he was late, by necessity and desire, I spent some time in the chapel where the Blessed Sacrament was reserved, and had one of the most powerful moments of my life, during which I realized that my very words had been spoken by so many others before me for centuries.

"Jesus, I offer you everything I am, everything I was, and everything I will ever be."

I don't know where the prayer came from, but there it was, and I offered it sincerely, realizing I was in the very chapel where the newest seminarian to the newly ordained priest may have spent his most profound moments of formation, where various women may have prayed the very same words, seeking to know God's will for them. And there I was...and I was nearly overwhelmed. It was only by God's grace that my composure was maintained because I was ready to throw myself at His feet. The very timeless of the Church was present there with Christ, and I will never be able to adequately describe the knowledge imparted to me in that moment.

My meeting with the Vocations Director went very well, he acknowledged my unwillingness to consider most of the local religious communities...for most of them are New Age, have embraced Social Justice divorced from true Human Dignity, have "kicked the habit", and really, have nothing to offer a revert who seeks to be faithful to the Church.

All he could do was ask a few questions, listen to my journey and responses to his questions, provide me with a booklet and some brochures...and wish me luck.

There isn't much in place for women, and I have met others who need more guidance as well and have the same complaint.

Our Vocations Director is simply not set up or equipped to handle women seeking Vocations to religious life. It's not his fault; he did the best he could with what he had, he offered his availablity and admitted his inability to guide effectively. I have nothing but respect for him.

So there is a breakdown in the system in our area. Maybe everywhere?

I find that there is a much stronger network in place for men who are discerning the priesthood, and indeed, I do place that at a higher degree of importance. However, in our times, we do need to have a better framework for support for women who want to respond to the Call.

We have the Serra Club in our area, my parish has a Vocations Committee, and there are other things, but it's not enough. Most of it is all about high school and college-age young adults. But what about those of us with a later call? Then what? Some people don't even know about Serra or other opportunities; they are adrift. I felt adrift, even though I knew of those groups.

A recent article came out stating the average age of newly-ordained priests is 35. What about newly professed Sisters and Nuns? There are many up and coming Communities, and I'm sure their median age is greater, too, but each publication claiming to be Catholic has different numbers. In my own observation, the old "Social Justice" orders are dying off with their embrace of goddess worship and New Age ideals, and orthodoxy is rising, but not a lot of reliable numbers are provided. From my own observation, again, it is the faithful Communities that are growing in leaps and bounds...and they would have even more if women had a better framework so as to approach them.

I do not think I am called to religious life, but my heart goes out to every woman who seeks this or seeks to respond...with very little guidance. Where is she to go? The Vocations Director in her Diocese will not know what to do with her, as much as he likely appreciates her response to God. The local religious Communities may not be fitting for her, thus she will need to do a great deal of reasearch all by herself to find out how to find out where she might have to go for answers to find out where she belongs.

That's an awful lot of "finding out" for anyone to endure. I'm quite certain that if it were so hard for seminarians, they'd be fewer and further between, and we'd have a true crisis on our hands, even in the most faithful of parishes.

It's an absolute miracle that any woman ever responds successfully to a call to religious life and manages to find the Community to which she is called, which is often far outside of her own hometown.

Yes, there is a crisis in Vocations, and part of it is within the system we have, as well-meaning as it is. Cannot something be done to better promote and assist WOMEN in their calls to religious life? Without the backbone of the Church, made up of women in prayer, we'd all be lost. Shouldn't we be doing something to relplenish their ranks?

Prodigal

Some time ago, I alluded to STILL being the Prodigal Daughter, and it seems I may still be there. I have not heard anything from my interview of last week, so I fear that I am out of the running and eliminated from further consideration. So be it...God has a plan and if this isn't my place, then I submit to His will.

But I cannot help but be frustrated by the bars of the prison that surrounds me.

I see my current position to be a culmination of the rebellion I began in earnest so long ago. Most teenagers rebel by simple disobedience (just like in the Garden of Eden!), most teenagers just go through a lot of angst and do typical teenage things. I was never like other kids. I was a good student, I worked hard, I kept my focus, and even when I ran away from home to find refuge from our chaotic home, I ran to a family I knew, and continued going to school and going to work. I was the responsible daughter...by appearance.

My rebellion was much deeper. My rebellion was more insipient because it was subtle and took on the tones of responsibility, even as I cast away my "inheritance."

I was always an artist, I was always active in Church, I was the writer, the musician, the thinker, the scholar. Mom was so proud of me.

And then I threw it away, little by little, by degrees. I would have been a good teacher; I was told so by many. I had gifts I was encouraged to use and pursue. But I decided I was going to do something totally different; I was going to be a cop.

I found that such an endeavor meant (to me) the rejection of my natural gifts for they had no place in my new worldview. I had to overcome what seemed like weakness (and anything Mom liked was weakness), and adopt things that were "difficult." I was not a natural athlete as far as I knew, so I worked to overcome that...and succeeded much more easily than expected. I needed to develop a thick skin, to overcome my natural sensitivity. Slowly I took on the trait of cynacism, even wrote a story about it freshman year...I may post it one day. (It's fiction). It was actually the last bit of fiction I wrote for years.

Slowly, I shed the remnants of my true nature in order to take on a persona that did not fit me. I wandered through law enforcement jobs, through firefighting, and finally all that training and experience culminated in my current position in which I'm using much of it, but the position has morphed and all I'm dealing with is numbers and mathematical absolutes. My worst subject. I have been in a hell of my own making for the last 5 years.

Slowly, as I reverted, my original gifts have been brought to the forefront and I have begun taking them up again. I have asked for them to come back. I have been asking to be released from this prison.

I have found myself to be in a place in which I am now rejecting the education I am still trying to pay for, the experience I literally gave a piece of myself to obtain, the blood, sweat and tears...all of it, in favor of what I should never have left behind.

It is all so dusty, it is even foreign in some ways, but in a reminiscent way that is comforting. I have been coming before the Father, rehearsing and asking Him to take me back, release me from this prison, and restore me even as a servant because there I could at least have access to what I was first given, even if the full benefits are no longer there.

The Father has not answered yet, and perhaps it is because I am still rehearsing. While the true rebellion is over, I sense I have something else to do, something else to request, some better way to approach the Throne of Mercy. I am the Prodigal, and the Father is in sight, and He is welcoming me...but I haven't yet reached him. I am still missing a big piece of my own coversion, but I can't quite figure out what it is.

In my rebellion, I fell so far and squandered what little I had, and I still squander what has been given to me for the present. I have fallen, and I have lost my dignity, and I can't seem to really take it up again.

I am coming before God, begging forgiveness, asking that the dignity I so rejected be restored to me. I am asking that my punishment come to an end. I formally reject the rebellion I began and ask to start anew.



Please, God, give me another chance. Let me start over.

Please.

I can't do this anymore. I'm not fit to be called your daughter.

I am the Prodigal Daughter, and all I want is to find my way home.

Solitude and Silence

I had things to do tonight. I was either going to go to Mass and Confession, or out with the local Frassati Society, as for the first Wednesday in MONTHS, I haven't had an evening obligation.

I came home with the full intention of going out...but it just seemed wrong. Going to Mass didn't seem right, either, because for some reason, all I wanted was silence and to not have to interact with people.

One of the fruits of my Lent this year was the gift of silence. Because of my class and the need to concentrate, I had everything turned off. I was always like this in college...the sound of the radio, even softly played music, grates on my nerves and distracts me when I am trying to grasp something deep and meaningful. This year, I even put on one of my Gregorian Chant CD's and had to turn it off. As soothing as it is, the sound has no place when I'm trying to understand God.

Although since Easter there has been more "noise" in my house, it is significantly less than before the penitenial season, and I'm finding more and more that, in order to refresh myself, I NEED to have that absolute silence. I'm even finding myself switching it off in my car, choosing to just be quiet, even if my mind is full. It's easier to sort things out when we have fewer distractions.

Tonight, then, I discerned, was one of those nights; the craving for solitude and silence was overwhelming. I've actually been feeling very pensive all day, if excited and nervous and anxious about whether I will be able to move on in the interview process for the job I want.

But I've realized that it's time to just let God work, and he does this on his schedule, not ours. Ironically, I lost my watch this week. I can't find it ANYWHERE and that thing is normall fully fused to my wrist, stays close by while I sleep in case the power goes out, and it remains with me as I walk my dogs in the morning so I know whether I'm on schedule or can maybe take a longer walk. Especially now that it's light out, our morning walks are the best part of the day!

It's much easier to praise God for his creation when the sun is peeking over the horizon in glorious colors, than it is when trudging through ice in pitch blackness before dawn.

So I'm without a watch, and it's like a piece of control has been forcefully taken away from me, and I really feel adrift for not having the ability to know for certain what time it is if I am not near a clock.

I realize this is a blessing, but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier to bear.

It's been a rough week in general; I recieved some wonderful graces the other night as I prepared to go to sleep, and then the night hours proceeded with spiritual attacks all night long. My dreams were vivid but disturbing, although I could not recall them upon waking, there were dark presences in my room and so I prayed and prayed all night long, never knowing how I managed to get to sleep time and time again, only to be awakened once again with my heart in my throat and facing the nearly-visible presences that surrounded me.

Finally after 2 am, I began a Divine Mercy chaplet, and after the first decade realized I was only saying the second half: "...have mercy on us and on the whole world. ....have mercy on us and on the whole world.....have mercy on us and on the whole world." I didn't know if perhaps a patron Saint was praying the first half or if I was just begging for mercy? But after that I fell into the longest interlude of sleep for the night, lasting around an hour and a half.

Then there was spiritual dryness which always seems to follow a period of consolations, even if there is also a period of attack, and in the dryness my faith is tested in the usual way. "Why are you studying something that doesn't exist?"

And then I find my faith in doubt...and somehow it is restored.

It's been an exhausting week. No wonder I need silence. No wonder I need solitude.

I haven't been able to read at all tonight although I have tried. I haven't been able to take what I know and advance my paper any further. But I did just sit in the darkening comfort of my livingroom and contemplate God and acknowledge His presence. It occurred to me that whenever I want to seek God, I go to Adoration, and who doesn't love to sit in the very presence of Jesus? But sometimes He finds it important to make "house calls", and help us to understand that he is knocking, always knocking, and that we have to be willing to sit in silence and just let HIM be present with US. Sometimes he calls us to take action and come to him in his True Presence...sometimes, he knows that we need to remain in solitude, he places us there and asks if he can come in.

So tonight, I let Him in, and although there were no real "words" exchanged, I have a clearer sense of his presence, a clearer understanding of the actions of the Holy Spirit, and a sense of tranquility I have not had for a few weeks. This silence may have been the best prayer I've "said" in ages.

I encourage everyone to take an evening and just be silent, turn everything off, go about whatever activities you must, and when you can, just find a comfortable place and sit...and let the Lord come to visit you.

News and Theology

OK, first of all, the news part. There isn't any. I haven't heard anything so that means that I'll either get a letter in the mail stating, "Thanks but No Thanks", they weren't able to finish their first round of interviews yet, or they are sorting through the candidates and have yet to call for the second interview. All in God's time.

Moving on to the Theology part:

From today's Gospel reading:

John 14:27-31a (Last verses)

"I will no longer speak much with you, for the ruler of the world is coming. he has no power over me, but the world must know that I love the Father and that I do just as the Father has commanded me."

This class definitely has me making connections in scripture. I just shot off a note to my professor because today's Gospel seems to demonstrate a very profound link between the Trinity, the divine and human dimensions of Jesus in relation to the Father in expiation for sin (ie perfect obedience), the dignity of humanity in the image and likeness of God, and the similarity in how Jesus responds to the Father's commands as a demonstration and lesson to us all. And I say this because he shows us by example how we must respond to His commands within, that being the conscience, which is the Holy Spirit convincing us of sin in relation to the definitive judgment that already took place (Satan), and pointing us to the all-good, which is God.

Whew! Did you get all that?! I'm not sure I did, and it's not how I phrased it in the question posed to my professor. It's one thing to summarize it lightly here, another entirely to send a question to my professor knowing what he knows, his knowing what he has taught us, and then to be specific enough without laying the foundational theology it would be necessary to explain if I were to write a solid post on this idea.

Perhaps I'll expand on this idea if the prof. can confirm my imperfect understanding. I do NOT want to spend a bunch of time on a post only to find out I've just opened up a can of Gnostic on myself.

Single for the Sake of God's Kingdom

Yeah, it's an old, tired discussion, but for those of us who are single, it's not old or tired enough, because so many haven't gotten the message.

The Vocations talks are great, and we're all for chaste marriage and religious callings. Most of us who are single have considered those routes, and we have either chosen neither or have been chosen BY neither. So we are in a "no man's land" of singledom. So be it.

It does not help to ask us, when we adopt pets from the local animal shelter, why we don't just get married. Well, the short answer would be "free will."

We're waiting to be "adopted", too, but given our own "free will" to not choose guys (or girls if you be a male) who are not good for us, or the free will of the other half in a marriage, we're still waiting in the wings. It's better to not be chosen than to be chosen or to choose incorrectly. Just ask all the divorced couples out there, or the battered women, or the miserable men who were doing what everyone else wanted without considering what God wants.

I have dogs, and people sometimes condescendingly suggest they are a replacement for childen.

Apparently it simply doesn't occurr to people that I just like animals and I can identify with the "unwanted" in some way, nor does it occurr to people that to suggest "you should get married" can actually be a harmful comment.

People tend to go about their lives wearing a type of blinder that allows them to see things only from their relational perspective, thus, the options, if they are Catholic, are surrounding either the married or the religious life. We who are not married simply don't make sense to them.

But that leaves an entire section of the Gospel out of the mix, doesn't it? Jesus did indeed discuss the option of being celibate for the sake of the Kingdom, and it wasn't just in reference to the ministerial priesthood. He calls men and women of the royal priesthood to the same thing; we are not all destined for "someone", no matter how much Hollywood and Hallmark try to make us believe otherwise.

A couple years ago, in conversation with a new friend, he commented that, "obviously, you were set aside."

My initial knee-jerk reaction was to be offended, thinking he was suggesting I was "unwanted." Thus there must be something wrong with me, because that is the attitude expressed by the larger society. But I thought about what he said, and I realized that he meant "set aside" to be the highest compliment in his vocabulary; for from being "unwanted", he meant "chosen for something specific". The friend who suggested this was single himself and perhaps had come to a certain level of comfort with that.

Perhaps that's the perspective all we singles need to adopt. We are not in some strange form of "limbo", but rather, we have been "set aside" for a specific purpose. Maybe it is marriage or religious life...but later in life. Maybe we have certain gifts to offer at a certain time, and our singlehood allows us to live fully with those gifts and offer them without hesitation or obstacle as we have no family that clamors for our attention. Perhaps we all need reminders that we are all adopted sons and daughters of God, and He did not bring us into the world without a purpose or a specific Vocation.

I do think the Church needs to do a better job at including singles in some way. It's getting better, and yes, we need to be willing to step up on our own to offer our services, but sometimes we need to be invited. So much of parish life has to do with families, as it should. But sometimes, it would be nice if we as singles were specifically called or invited to participate in something.

I don't think any families or priests or anyone in the leadership of the church specifically means to exclude singles; far from it! They often simply don't consider us at all, given that most of them are caught up in their own vocations, seeing life from the perspective of knowing what it is they are called to do, and forget that there is an entire group of people who sometimes feels lost or perhaps needs their Vocation to the single life to be affirmed.

I once spoke with a priest regarding this, and his position is that there is no call to the Vocation of Singlehood. If one is not a priest or religious, then by default, one must be called to marriage. I considered this seriously, but upon a great deal of reflection, I have come to the conclusion that he is wrong. There are many people God has not called to either; does that mean that they will not come into full personhood if they do not go through a specific committment ceremony, be it Ordination or formal Vows? I can't believe that. I think this priest has missed something somewhere. Like everyone else, he means well, but he is forgetting that God has his own designes upon each life...and those who are "set aside" perhaps have another role to fulfill, no matter how humble or sublime.

I am single, I'm soon to be a year older, and I'm still not married. I don't think I'm called to religious life, and truth be told, I haven't figured out why I've been given the great gift of life. But I know, even if I remain single for life, God has a plan, He has always had a plan, and it is my job to seek his will and rely entirely upon him, making my way as I am able. That reality would not change even if I took Vows, for we all live our lives in reference to God.

If I may be so bold as to make a request; for those of you who are married, please do not suggest to your single friends and acquaintances that they have only two choices. To do so is to undermine God's will for them and send them upon a spiritual wild-goose chase. Just love us, be our friends, and be willing to be there for us in proxy for our families if we have none present. For those of you who are priests and religious, I say the same, although your role is a bit different with regard to how you respond to and guide us. Perhaps your role is to, not only to serve as "family" in whatever way you can, but to assist us in connecting with families in the same spirit of "adoption" shown by God to us all.

The greatest ministry to a Single is to affirm us in our Vocation, even if it is only temporary, help us to live it out to the fullest, and include us in whatever way you can. Sometimes you are the only family we have.

I was bored...

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination. You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Believe you me, thank your lucky stars I am not a doctor! LOL! There isn't anyone on the face of the earth with LESS aptitude for that field!

I do have the right handwrighting, though. :-)

So I retook the test with the other answers I liked. Some of them had really been a tossup. Funny thing about human nature; we're far more complicated than a 5 question quiz will allow. Here are the results:

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

I'd say this one is more accurate, but before someone starts a PhD fund for me, can I at least get well into my MTS degree first? I'm not sure this one is accurate,
either.


Next...

Apparently I'm creative:

You Are 67% Creative

You are beyond creative. You are a true artist - even if it's not in the conventional sense of the word. You love creating for its own sake, and you find yourself quite inspired at times.

How Creative Are You?

As for sports, this is no surprise:

You Are Skiing

Graceful, athletic, and gusty - you're willing to put it all on the line. You're willing to take big risks for big rewards.

What Winter Sport Are You?

The Worst Day at Work

One of the questions in my interview had to do with my worst day at work. I remember thinking to myself, "But there have been so MANY!" I don't remember actually praying, maybe just a desperate "Help Holy Spirit!", but not even in words. But the answer came, and I think I had blocked it out of my memory for awhile. It was truly a bad day, but a perfect bad day for an interview question to take place 11 years later.

I was a fledgling cop, less than a month on the job. There was a lot to get used to; the squad cars were equipped with computers, there was the radar, the lights and siren, the radio, the FTO (Field Training Officer), and all that stuff to pay attention to while driving. That's when it happened. What with all the paying attention, I didn't pay attention and while looking at a yellow light a half block ahead, I missed the light turning red right as we passed through it...and I came to a screeching halt in the middle of the busiest intersection in the south metro area.

I sat there a moment, frozen. My FTO had put his hand over his eyes, head ducked. I was cringing, both hands on the wheel. There was a moment of silence.

"Is anyone looking at you?" he queried, hand still covering his face from his ducked position.

My head was ducked also, eyes squinted shut. "I don't know, I'm afraid to look."

"When that happens to me, I usually just hit the lights and siren and take the nearest exit..." (Here he took his hand away from his face long enough to point to the freeway exit a hundred feet away) "....and pretend I actually have somewhere to go."

I did as...uh..."instructed", hit the lights and sirens, hit the gas, and we headed off into the wild gray yonder of the freeway. As I escaped down the exit, I commented, "So...you've never done this before..."

(Think Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor) "Noooooo! Never!"

So we passed through that crisis.

Later we got a call for a missing child. This suburb was designed by properties with roads placed haphazardly like typical urban unplanning, so I had to look up the address on the map. I somehow "lost" the map in my mind en route to the call and my FTO had to direct me. When we arrived, another officer was already speaking with the distraught mother. We pulled into the steeply inclined blacktop driveway and got out...and that's when I found I had not placed the car in "Park". Both my FTO and I had not choice but to dive back into the car so I could hit the brake and put it in park.

Unfortunately, neither one of us had the ability to put our hands in front of our faces this time, considering we were using our hands to both stop the runaway squad car and hold on for dear life.

The distraught mother looked even more distraught thanks to the "Keystone cops" who showed up in her driveway and had a circus, and the officer who was there was visibly trying to figure out how to do "damage control" and instill in this woman an understanding of the actual competence of the men and women in blue who were there to serve her.

All turned out well, the child was found at a neighbor's home and the entire fiasco was the result of miscommunication between parents and children.

My lesson was to, in the future, not miscommunicate with the car.

We were immediately called to an armed robbery in progress. Thankfully, I knew where this place was and how to get there, and cued dispatch that we were responding Code 3. (lights and sirens).

We arrived, the robber was of course gone, and the cashier that had been held up was shaking and crying. Because I'd had extensive experience in crisis management from my years working in an adolescent psych hospital, talking to her was the easiest thing I'd done in a long time. She calmed down, asked if I minded if she smoked, and I told her to go ahead. Can't say I approved but considering she'd just had a gun put in her face, it was not the time to discuss the damage to her health caused by inhaling harsh chemicals. We got down to business when she had ahold of herself and because she was calm, she gave me a wonderful description of the suspect, what he was wearing, what he did before, during, and after the robbery.

Then the Captain came in. I'd been warned about him. He was the type to come into a situation and rather than ask the person in charge or anyone else what was going on and what had been done, he tends to start barking orders that make no sense. He of course approached the poor cashier and started barking things at her, asking her the questions I'd already asked. She started shaking again, answered his questions but kept glancing at me. I could only shrug. What to do? He was my superior, and he was making all of us look like idiots.

Like I needed any help with that.

It was the end of our day, and my FTO and I headed back to the station to write our reports and leave for the day. As I was backing the squad car into our assigned spot, I backed into the pole.

My FTO just looked at me, and this time, I put my hand over my eyes.

"Why don't you just SHOOT me!?"

He silently got out of the car and looked at the rear bumper. I waited quietly, not even breathing at this point. I was ready to burst into tears.

He came back, sat down, and told me there was no damage, so he wasn't even going to put it in the report of our activities for the day. Unfortunately the other misfortunes WERE in writing.

And they go down in infamy.

I don't honestly remember if I went home that night and laughed or cried. Maybe both.

The silver lining is this; during the interview, the panel was ROLLING with laughter. So you see, what is misfortune for one is mirth for another.

The Interview

So I had my interview this afternoon. I left work early, came home to change, and spent about 10-15 minutes in the Adoration chapel at my church before I headed out to my interview.

There was a panel of three people who are intimately connected with the position, two of them would be people I would supervise, the other is the person who would be supervising me - the DRE.

They started with a general question to tell them who I am, etc., and so I gave them the short version of my reversion story. (Did you know there was a "short" version?). And of course, I started off with my joke about how I'm St. Augustine and my Mother is St. Monica except that...except that...etc. (The way I started the written story).

So they started off laughing. That was good, and of course just fueled me for the other questions which were good ones: to discuss a one of the best days in any of my work, to discuss one of the worst days. There have been so many in each category, but I do believe that's when the Holy Spirit stepped in to provide which moments to discuss. The best...the one about Jeremy that I wrote about some time ago. The worst...one of my days in law enforcement. Fortunately, that worst day was also hilarious in its calamity, and definitely worth a blog post of it's own. If there's interest, I'll post it.

So the interview proceeded, they described the job in greater detail, the challenges, the traits they are seeking and asked me for a self-assessment as to where I would see myself. Do I have those traits? Are they strengths or weaknesses for me?

I answered as honestly as I could. So much came down to a "depends" upon the situation so I tried to qualify the "depends" responses as well as I could because I did not want to give wishy-washy answers.

So in the end, I think they personally liked me, but I have no idea if I'll make it to the second interview. I think there's a good chance because the fact that they were laughing points to good tidings. But I have a feeling that their decision will not be an easy one.

As I learned more about the job, I have to admit I'm intimidated because it's a big job and there's a lot of stuff that is outside my rhealm of experience, and I acknowledged that just as I affirmed my interest in the position. I do fully believe my background does indeed prepare me for this position and those weaker points would actually give more glory to God. God likes to work through weakness, and in fact, He prefers to do so. This very interview proves that.

I will find out next week if I make it through to the next round. That interview is more formal. God's will be done.

Thank you all for your prayers! Please keep praying because your intercession is efficacious!

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow....

....creeps in this petty pace from day to day
And all our yesterdays are lighted fools
The way to dusty death.
Out! Out! Five year career
A walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the timeclock
It is a tale, told by a burned-out employee
Full of sound and fury...
Signifying...the beginning of something new?

My interview is tomorrow (Thursday)at 3 pm...and the clock is moving so slowly. I will be leaving work early so as to go home, freshen up, change clothes, and hopefully spend a few minutes in Adoration before heading up to my destination.

I promise not to mis-quote Shakespeare to them, nor will I parody the Gospel of John.

And I will be praying to several Saints. And asking for the prayers of all YOU saints out there as well!


UPDATE: 5:55 am - Last night I had more bad dreams per capita than I've had in a long time. And I kept waking up to a sense of an evil, terrifying presence.

Thank you for your prayers, everyone!

Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity

Sunday was Vocations day, and sadly, I didn't happen to hear this discusssed at Mass this weekend, although my parish is one that might have considered such a message to be "preaching to the choir." We supply many souls to the seminaries and the religious communities everywhere...but we still need the message.

One community to check out, whether because you're considering religious life, or if you just like music, is the Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity. They've got some new music available for download through the month of May.