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Friday, June 13, 2008

Embarassing Moment in the Life of Adoro

I'm thinking of instituting a new feature: "A Day in the Life". Most of it will be things from the past, maybe, but who knows? For now, that's my working title and I'm sticking to it! This last week has had a lot of heavier stuff, (other than the pink-hair stuff from today), so I figured maybe it's time for an Adoro-story from Adoro's past. And this one is one of my most embarassing moments. I wrote it just after the incident occurred, because that's how I handle stress...through writing. And no, I never ordered pizza from that joint again.

This particular story was written back in 2003, if I recall the year correctly, and as it was fresh, it was "present tense". A true glimpse into the person Adoro was at that time. Unforunately, my personality and the constant disasters of my life have not really changed. With no further ado, I offer you:

DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR!

OK. So I'm at my ex-boyfriend's house tonight to take care of the dogs, Phoenix and Saber...first time in a long time. Just for a little background; we broke up over a year ago, we have "joint custody", and I live in an apartment, so when he has to go on a military trip, I come over and take care of the dogs. Just until I get my own place, and can take the dogs with me.

So anyway, I order a pizza, thinking a few things...the restaurant (Shakey's on Lake Street) is a really good one and not a chain, so I can't get it at home; it'll encompass tomorrow's lunch and dinner, and then I don't have to dirty any dishes or anything.

Cool.

So the pizza arrives, and two disturbances simultaneously occur: I give the delivery guy 11 bucks instead of $14.21 plus tip, and when I open the box, it's pepperoni...not sausage and mushroom. So he and I arrive at the front door at the same time...and exchange. He makes a call, re-orders a pizza, apologizes (he already dropped mine off), and leaves. Genuinely nice guy, older than your average delivery guy, (probably a second or third job) and is trying to do what's right. I am very forgiving and just want my order...nothing more. He comes back awhile later with my pizza, I pay him properly, adding to the tip (mistakes happen, we all know), and he leaves.

I have closed the door from the house to the porch as usual to keep the dogs in. They are prone to either taking off out the door or overwhelming the visitor. So I had closed it like so many times prior, making sure the dogs can't push the heavy oak door open.

But there's a problem: the knob unscrews in one direction and doesn't move in the other. I look at the beveled glass set into the thick wood, the two panes into the house to my right, and realize that if the door opens with more pressure I don't have to break the livingroom windows in order to get back inside. So I twist the knob really hard in the direction it's stuck and ram the door a few times with my shoulder, doing nothing more than cause immense pain.

I study the deadbolt lock and realize that Saber probably locked the door when jumping up and scratching on it in effort to see me on the porch with the tasty food.

Uh oh!

So I ram the door again with my shoulder and realize I'm being a guy, so I stop, conceding my defeat. But that didn't stop me from praying desperately for divine assistance. God didn't answer...apparently he didn't care. I envisioned myself well-fed but thirsty and cold in the morning, calling work from a neighbor's home to explain I'll be late because I've been locked out all night...from a home in which I don't live.

I tried again to get in; nothing. I'm locked out. The back door was locked...I remembered locking it when I let the dogs in last. So I was locked out. With a pizza.

(As an aside--there IS something in Hemingway's style!)

So I popped my head out...the delivery guy was standing by his car, still talking on his cell phone. I asked him for assistance and he came back, still on his cell, telling someone he was delivering a pizza. I didn't hear the rest - I was desperately searching the locks on the windows and the stuff on the porch suitable for breaking glass.

Hmmm...skis...ski boots...a chair...picture frames...

Well, we located an unlocked window, and the delivery guy (a father...I'd heard him mention his kids in his cell conversation), suggested I go in head-first rather than step over as I was doing. I was actually trying to be modest. (As IF!)

With the couch hindering my progress, I realized he was right. He was holding up the outer glass, held slightly by an aluminum hinge at the top so that I could get in. So there I was, crawling through drapes, pushing the dogs back, my rear in the pizza guy's face, getting tangled in curtains, getting slobbered on by dogs...realizing that THIS ISN'T EVEN MY HOUSE!!!!

And as much as I need to tell the homeowner (my ex) that his front door is broken, I cannot think of a single way to break the news without exposing HOW I FOUND OUT!!!!! I don't even think my dogs respect me anymore.


Here's what I learned today:

1. Go through the doorway, but don't close it behind you or you might lock yourself out

2. Pizza delivery guys may be your only hope, so tip well.

3. If you don't tip well, then at least be ready to show them your rear as you go through the window into the house you are occupying.

4. Don't tick off God. He'll lock you out of your house.

5. Make sure the locking mechanism can't be locked inadvertently by your dogs.

6. Learn to be humble...there's nothing to teach humility like locking yourself out of a house and asking for help from someone who happens to have just delivered a pizza to you twice in the same night (and in REALLY crappy weather at that!).


I don't think I can recover from this one.

*

Update from June, 2008: I never did tell my ex-boyfriend about the broken door. I ended up renouncing my claim to Phoenix and Saber, which broke my heart. Saber died a couple years ago unexpectedly (that was the last time I've spoken to my ex), I adopted a German Shepherd and a Greyhound, and put the latter to sleep last summer. I take a key with me everywhere I go. And I always tip well when a pizza is delivered!

And the pizza place..it closed. That's one of the reasons I ordered that pizza that evening, as I knew I'd never be able to do so again. And I was almost relieved when it closed, even as I was sad as it was a Minneapolis staple. Minneapolis residents who knew the place would understand.

4 comments:

Lillian Marie said...

LOL!

While I'm reading this....first thought... I wonder what the story was from the Pizza guy's point of view!!!
LOL (Guess what happened to me at work today, hon?) LOL

(sorry...but it IS funny!)
And I'm sure we ALL have our most embarrasing moments (MEMs)!!!

adoro said...

LOL ~ It WAS funny, even then. And I don't even WANT to know the pizza guy's point of view!

Padre Steve said...

That is very funny! You gain humility points for telling it so honestly! Keep smiling and God bless! Padre Steve

adoro said...

LOL< thanks Padre Steve! Although doesn't humility points cancel out any humility I may have gained in the retelling? :-)