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Monday, June 16, 2008

Backsliding

Tonight after a wonderful conversation with a friend, I went through some old posts, looking for something specific.

As I did so, I clicked on random posts either because I wasn't sure what they were about or their title reminded me of some particular trial or experience. So I read through them, amazed. Because one should be advancing in holiness....not backsliding. I'm backsliding. The more I look back on my journey, the more I see a disconnect between where I seemed to be heading...and where I am now.

It seems I was a better Catholic and far more attuned to God one year ago than I am right now.

I am so lost...here I was, hoping I was doing better, really even having MORE tools now to approach holiness, and yet, I am so far away. I'm not even CLOSE to being a Saint! Not that I was a year ago, either, but now...even further.

Thank you, Jesus, for this lesson in humility, a reminder that I have to keep striving, and that, without You...I can do nothing.

8 comments:

Adrienne said...

It is times like this when the greatest strides are being made.

Padre Steve said...

I agree with Adrienne! Don't get down on yourself... one day at a time! Keep smiling and God bless!

Brad Haas said...

I've suffered that same phenomenon. The way I see it, in the past, God wanted to hook me, life was great, and then He pulled away so that I'd go after Him even more. Kind of like crawling before walking.

Hidden One said...

As time has passed, you've grown less inclined to believe that you are doing anything good of your own power, and that realization, so I am told, is a great foundation for the highest sanctity.

If I were in a position to do s, I'd advise yo to do the following: To recognize where you've fallen, to recognize what kept you from falling more and further, to recognize where you have grown, to hand it all over, and then to say with even and ever greater honesty to the Lord, "sine Te, nihil!"

Prayin' for ya, Adoro.

Monte said...

Ah my friend, you ARE in good company! Many Christians have reflected on their life, or said as Paul the APostle did, "the things I want to do, I don't and I do the very things I don't want to do." (my version)

And, famously, (I bet you know this, I'm just reminding you) St. Thomas Aquinas is known to have faced these depths: While saying mass on this day, December 6, 1273, the noble-minded philosopher experienced a heavenly vision. Urged to take up his pen again, he replied, "Such things have been revealed to me that all that I have written seems to me as so much straw. Now I await the end of my life."

So, hang in there, it doesn't look like backsliding to me.

Monte

Terry Nelson said...

You'll make it! I think you are much closer than you realize - which is good.

Anonymous said...

1. Get a spiritual director. NOW. No more excuses.
2. I completely disagree! You cannot be further than a year ago. Your new love for the LOH is a milestone. You have NO CLUE what a milestone it is. You are still praying before the Blessed Sacrament, still attending Mass regularly.

Prayers. srfairah :)

Adoro te Devote said...

Thanks, all.

Sr., you KNOW I've been looking for and praying for an SD! I can't FIND one! It's not like they grow on trees...! (And if they did, I'd still be checking to make sure the tree wasn't rotten...lol)

God will apparently send me an SD when He is good and ready...and maybe has decided I'M not ready. That's entirely possible.

* sigh *

We have a huge crisis in the Church...not enough SD's!