Confession

Over and over again, I have written about the Sacrament of Confession. And indeed, I love this sacrament, and I still cry when I consider my twelve-year confession and what it was like to be forgiven so unconditionally.

It's still a powerful experience, because of the memory. I remember what the priest looked like, what he was wearing, his joyful expression, and his true concern at my own condition, evidenced by my tearstained face. I had been crying for over 45 minutes by the time I arrived into his presence, and even though I had merited Hell, he was thrilled to be the one to welcome this prodigal daughter home.

I love this sacrament, but I still struggle. Among practicing Catholics, it's easy to get into a conversation about "face-to-face or behind the screen"? What are the merits of each? And does it really matter?

As I mentioned, the best Confession of my life was face to face, and to this day I can't remember it without crying. Additionally, there's something to be said for the humility required for that. Yet I typically choose to go behind the screen. Some of that has to do with the positioning; it's so proper to kneel, and the only way I can kneel to receive God's mercy is behind the screen. Sure, sometimes there's enough room between the priest and the chair to kneel in a face-to-face confession, but I have found it's much easier, less clumsy, and just more obvious to kneel behind the screen.

But there's another reason...I usually go to Confession at my own parish, and I know the priests well. Two of them wrote me recommendation letters to two Grad schools, and the same two were references for my current position. And unless I was dying, I wouldn't even THINK of going to my boss for Confession! So I admit it's my own imperfection, my own pride that inhibits me (except for the confessing to one's boss who happens to be a priest thing. That's different.)

Yet I have stood in front of classrooms of adults in RCIA, of parents returning to the Church, and in small groups, proclaiming the Seal of the Confessional, the fact, as reported by priests themselves, that they can't remember who sat in front of them, what they confessed, and what they said in response. It is truly the Holy Spirit who acts, it is the authority of Jesus that forgives.

And yes, I believe it...but doesn't my own action make my a hypocrite? I fear that it does, because the BIGGEST reason I have for an anonymous confession is that if I sit in front of Father Favorite I fear I will sugar-coat my sins or even go so far as to omit something serious! It's far better to give in to that imperfection of a lack of humility, than to avoid telling Jesus what he already knows so he can offer me sacramental absolution!

There it is. I'm just a Catholic struggling like anyone else. And if going behind a screen makes me go to confession, darn it I'm going to go!

Yet there is still a failing there; besides the issue of humility; I fear that my Confessions are becoming too rote. Too often I'll read through an examination of conscience, and, besides already being aware of my favorite sins, I just toss the publication aside thinking, "I don't do any of that!" And then I feel pretty good about myself.

Uh...no. That's not accurate. Because, really, I know that I'm no saint. This has been bothering me for awhile. Either I'm not being honest with myself and God, or I need to find something more substantial! Yet although I have a few that are quite difficult...they aren't doing the trick. This prompted me today to send an email to a blog-buddy and ask him if he happened to have a "brutal" examination of conscience. What he sent me was good, and I can use it...but it's not enough.

I still haven't found something brutal enough. Nothing that makes me squirm. Which means that it's not the examin I'm using...it's me.

Defiance

The problem with making regular Confessions is that they can become too rote. Yet sometimes things happen to remind us of God's grace, and I really need to remember that. Because so often I think I'm not sorry enough, and sometimes, I'm not sorry at all although I know I should be!

A few years ago, I had an incident at work and I went into the chapel to pray and was still angry. And self-righteous. I did not intend to go to Confession, because I know that "contrition" was not something that I had. But something told me to go, anyway. That "still, small voice" asked me, "Don't you think you should let God be the judge of your sorrow?"

I realized I could go...and confess my lack of sorrow. It was a sin. It was up to my confessor to offer me absolution or not, and I was fully prepared not to be absolved. So I stood in line, and then I went...face to face. And I told Father what had happened (for the purpose of context) and that I wasn't sorry. But I knew where I was, so told him, "I know that what I did offended God..."

And that was it. I began crying, crushed by sorrow. There in the chapel, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I had acknowledged that I KNEW what I had done was wrong...but I wasn't sorry. It took the grace of the Sacrament to bring me to true Contrition.

To this day, I have no idea how Father kept a straight face. I had come in defiant, and even proudly so...and I left in a puddle of remorse. How do you maintain your composure in the face of such an instantaneous conversion? Seriously?

So you'll never hear me complain that face-to-face confessions are bad...two powerful incidents in my life involved such confessions. Yet, I prefer the screen, I prefer being able to kneel. I prefer that the priest not know who I am, because that is an imperfection of mine. Maybe one day it won't matter to me...and I suspect that will be the day that I die, when I have nothing else to lose.

Pride is a terrible thing, everyone. Fight it with all you have.

Potayto / Potahto, Tomayto / Tomahto

Just by way of explanation, the "preferred" term these days is "Reconciliation". I grew up hearing "Penance" and "Confession". I have adopted Mom's term from childhood, but as an adult, I have adopted that term fully. Reconciliation is only part of the Sacrament, and it's very important...that's the goal. But "reconciliation" presupposes some sort of willingness to admit faults and make amends for them. Thus the term "Penance" comes into play. For when we go to Jesus in this Sacrament, we are asked to do penance for our sins. So some use this term and focus on this aspect. My Mom's term was "Confession" and I have come to love this term because it includes everything. If you only look at it on the surface, it seems to be only one facet - the act of confessing one's sins. Yet "Confession" is required to get to Reconciliation, and then receive one's Penance.

But if we look at this in the totality of what we believe, we also see the term "Confess" in scripture regarding our beliefs. We "Confess" Christ. We "Confess" our belief in Jesus Christ, and we "Confess" that we are followers and thus "Confess" publicly, Jesus as our own identity. Thus, Confession has a LOT more to do with who God calls us to be than just this one sacrament. Yet without this Sacrament....we cannot properly confess the Savior who died for us. We confess to Him in order to be a part of Him.

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I love Confession, as much or more than I dread it. And I avoid it, and let the little things build up. Lent is beautiful as it shines a spotlight on the blemishes and pits in my life, and maybe I wrote this post because I'm already squirming. (Even though I went to Confession last week). We should ALL be squirming right about now, though, if anything is going RIGHT with Lent, whether we consider ourselves to be failures or not.

Because if we can consider the wounds of Christ and not be convicted, well...there is something hugely wrong with us.

One of the blessings for which I thank Jesus is the Sacrament of Confession...because even as I struggle with all my sins, I know He is there through His chosen representative, and offers me mercy in a very personal way. Whether I'm behind a screen or sitting in a chair, I know I am in the presence of Christ...such that my heart has been converted on the spot.

Going back to the issue of screen versus in-person, I will say this: All day long, many of us stare at screens, or talk on phones, or both, maybe while sitting in cubicles.

And then maybe we go to the church because we need to go to Confession. All day long, we've been in a box, and there's been a barrier between us and someone else, and if there's conflict, often those conflicts are erased when the barriers are removed...in other words, when we are in person.

We are usually more honest in person, believe it or not. And we are more open to being honest and forgiving when we look someone else in the eye.

So maybe it's proper, when trying to be reconciled with Jesus Christ, that we come to him without any kind of barrier. It's too easy to make Confession rote by looking at a screen, just as we do every day, all day. It's easier to depersonalize ourselves, deemphasize our sins, and separate ourselves from the priest who is standing in for Christ, if there is a physical barrier that prevents us from being identified.

Sure, I can visually focus on the presence of Christ if there's a screen, and listen to the priest clearly no matter who he is, if I can't see him. And as I am an imaginative person, it helps me to do this. But for sake of virtue....might it be better to get over myself and start going face to face, no matter what I have to say?

In any case, if you have been away, go again soon. Don't wait to be "sorry enough", or "perfect enough." It's not your job to perfect yourself. And as I have experienced, sorrow is often not necessary upon entering the sacrament. If we are open to what God wants from us, if we are willing to ADMIT we are wrong, even if we have no sorrow, God can still use that, far more powerfully than if we had come to him full of pride but thinking ourselves to be in the right.

Trust Jesus. He died for you. Thank Him for that. And be willing to be honest...with yourself, and with Him, whether you speak to Him behind a screen or to the face He chooses. Your salvation depends on Him.