Anonymous....Invisible...Mysterious....Friend

When I was growing up, in classes in school and through magazines, "pen pals" would be advertised. For awhile in 9th grade, I had a pen pal named Paqui from Valencia, Spain. We gave up, though, because we both had to have someone translate our respective letters. I also had a pen pal in Michigan, which relationship began when I met her one summer when visiting my Dad. That didn't last, either.

Adrienne has a post up urging everyone to, for once, get a pen out and WRITE to people...put pen to actual paper or cardstock, and trace, with the ink from the pen, lines that comprise words and sentences and paragraphs, then actually send it by REAL mail. Fr. V., too, laments the lack of handwritten letters which in the past forged such a connection between people. In this age of technology, how many of us receive WRITTEN letters as opposed to electronically-generated bills and advertisements every day?

I know I rarely receive anything handwritten. If I do, it's a card for a holiday from Mom or an Aunt. And as I have admitted before and do so again...I'm horrible at even sending cards!


WHO ARE YOU...REALLY?

UKOK has a wonderful post up, an invitation to share with her our true images; what we really look like, so she can place a face to our words. It's a brilliant idea, but I hesitate to carry out the same thing; because I fear if I do, I will have to "come out" here and reveal my true identity.

I did go ahead and send her a photo of myself, as did many other people, via email. Because even we, the Great Anonymous Bloggers, have a desire to make true connections, to see each other, to place a name with a face, to humanize those we are meeting in this area of penpalship greatly accelerated by the advances of technology.

There are a few who know who I really am; we've met in person, or maybe exchanged photos and names and addresses. And I value all of these friendships; indeed, once we take that step, it takes our relationship from a superficial "internet friend" to a level approaching true friendship.

Several years ago, I was involved in a writing website, and there were some people I would have called "friends", although our values were different, although our perspective on life was different, although we had neither seen each other nor would we ever be likely to do so. The site began a series of annual conventions, which are even today enormously popular, and turned those superficial friends into real friends. I do think such a thing is beautiful; for who are your friends but those who share your interests?

I think that, had I gone to that convention, I would have had a great time, but in all honesty, it's unlikely I would have maintained contact with anyone. Because my "friends" there were not really based upon any solid foundation, but upon our interest in writing and in writing about similar things. With some, there was a bond of faith...very generally. (I was at the beginning of my conversion at the time.) With others, it was friendly "chat", which often resulted in revealing a difference of fundamental beliefs, of which we agreed to disagree.

Those kinds of connections with people are fine...but they aren't really "friendships" and I knew it then, and know it now.

QUO VADIS?

When I first entered the world of the internet, I was very cautious; I did not want to put my true name or my face out there, for fear it would be used against me. What if I said something stupid? What if a psychospaz found me and came after me? What if my identity was stolen?

To this day, my email is a pseudonym. I have a very common name, so it's unlikely that will change; adding a letter or number only invites a typo that will send an email with sensitive information intended for me, to some stranger who, with my luck, would be just the person looking for such information for some financial gain. (Not that they would gain anything off of me...I'm very poor and can't afford to have bad credit as a result of such theft!)

Blogging began at the behest of a friend that I met on a Catholic singles website. During the course of our conversations, he thought he might be called to the priesthood, I thought I might be called to religious life. And so we never dated, but our friendship continued. We are friends to this day. He is now engaged and looking at the permanent diaconate...I am...um...you know...still lost. (I may start a new community: Sisters and Brothers of Perpetual Discernment)

Anywho, after several email exchanges, my friend, himself a blogger, encouraged me to put my thoughts and opinions into a blog. My initial thought was, "What can I POSSIBLY have to say?"

STOP LAUGHING!

REAL FRIENDSHIP

It's been a few years, and I think this blog has become the equivalent of a book. And my commenters, some other bloggers, some not, have become friends. During my first year, a few of us local bloggers got together and had dinner. (I still owe Desperate Irish Housewife a beer from that night.) I've met a few of those people outside of that night...such as Cathy, the Recovering Dissident Catholic. She first contacted me via email one day, and now, we are good friends, and she has a blog of her own which reaches out to those seeking the true faith. And there are others, such as Ray Marshall, and Our Word, formally Judy and Mitchell Hadley. (We watched the Preakness together a couple years ago, in shocked silence as Barbaro first broke from the gate and then shattered his leg in front of his adoring fans.)

But there's more.

Last spring, a reporter contacted me, looking for information on the Catholic and general Christian blogosphere. I put some thought into this because it's different than the writing website I used to be on. The "friends" I have met as a Catholic blogger have become true friends, including those I haven't met yet. There are a few who are truly "pen pals" although we haven't written longhand letters. Yet the seeds of friendship are there, and if we were to be able to meet, we'd likely chat as though we'd known each other forever.

There are bloggers who have contributed to my grad school funds, and, very touchingly, last summer to my vet bills for Fire when he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma and subsequently put down. I had just quit my job, did not have other employment...and these people came to my aid. They didn't know me in person, they had no idea if I really was who I said I was, and in our world of deception, I would argue that they had every reason to leave me to rot.

But they didn't. Because there is something that unites us as Catholics that goes far beyond blogging or even pen pals. There is a foundation that transcends us. There is a community that was established long before the internet.

We have a supernatural unity in the Catholic Church. Those I call friends in Canada, in Texas, in Ohio (numerous!), here in Minnesota, in Illinois, in Utah, in Tennesee, etc., are not just pen pals or fellow bloggers. They are fellow parishioners. They are the people with whom I would be friends if I went to their home parishes. If they come to my town, I'd invite them to my church...and/or others in my area.

I look a the letters from Clement, from Ignatius, from Paul and from James...they are our predecessors. While they wrote from authority and friendship both, guaranteed other early Christians were writing to each other out of simple friendship and brotherhood. Is the Church really any different today?

PSEUDONYMS

You may ask...why, then, with all this happy-go-lucky-warm-fuzzy-brotherhood do I still use a pen name?

Simple; for discernment.

Not EVERYONE on the internet is a potential friend. Not EVERYONE is trustworthy. Not EVERYONE is who they claim to be.

I have actually Googled my real name, and the the only thing I found was actually my race scores in an Alpine GS (Giant Slalom) from a local league a few years ago. Sadly, it wasn't even my best time!

So far, I have been successful in keeping my identity sacred.

Names have power. Names are important, and I reserve the right to give my name ONLY to those who have proven themselves to be worthy. And likewise, I am honored to be entrusted with another person's real name.

When I write, I write what I truly think, what I believe, and what I feel. I have written of my family and of my work. Being "anonymous" allows me to do this freely, without fear that what I say will be attached, correctly or incorrectly to certain people or places. Maybe there's a certain catharsis in my writing, that, through writing under a nom de plume, doesn't degrade to gossip or detraction.

If I knew my family was reading what I wrote, my writing would be sterile and stunted. Most of my friends and others I know, even my coworkers, know I have a blog, but they don't know what it is or where. There are a few who know, but I don't think ANY of them actually read it. And I'm grateful for that; for if they did, I'd become self-conscious and I would likely comment only on the news or some other trite thing.

I have come to see that ultimately, my blog is not about me. Which is amazing, because I talk about myself all the time, hedonistic self-centered, vain sinner that I am.

More and more, I am finding that what I speak, others are feeling, too. My opinions are shared by others, my experiences are not unique. My pain is not my own, my triumphs are shared in the triumphs of others, and my joy is never in solitude. I have found that sometimes, by writing, I am giving others a voice, and in the end, I take a back seat to that.

I would love to see photos of my commenters and other bloggers who do not reveal themselves. But I do not want to do this in such a way that would force me to reveal myself. Because if I reveal myself, I fear not only that I would be found out by those I know and be forced to be silent out of propriety, but also that I would take the forefront...and God would no longer be glorified.

I began this blog when in the process of discernment, which has not really ended. And the moment this blog becomes more about "me" than it does about God, then it's time to hang it up. Clearly, as I write, I am speaking of myself and my own experiences. But as long as I can be anonymous, I can decrease so the Lord can increase...His works can be highlighted in my tiny soul, and in my anonyminity, no one but God knows my true self, and thus, His actions are really on center stage.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be a character on stage before the world, my own name in neon lights. Now, I want to be in the orchestra pit, hidden deeply under the stage, playing note by note, contributing to the whole, while above me, the name of Christ headlines...and my job is only to point to Him.