Saturday, July 12, 2008
It is Christ who lives...
I have no idea how many people are reading my blog. Not a clue. I don't have a stat counter of any sort and intend to keep it that way, at least for now. I'm not writing for statistics, or for popularity, or anything else. Sometimes I wonder WHY I write and reveal so much to whoever comes along. And so, sometimes I evaluate that and wonder if I should either finally identify myself or...quit writing?
Last night I had dinner with a group of "fans", now friends, (Hi, guys!), people from my parish. And it's odd to realize that real people are reading my blog, and know who I am. For years, from the beginning, SOME people from my real life have known my identity, so it has always kept me honest. But as time goes on, and I meet more and more people or reveal myself to more and more, I have to wonder...is it ime to let people know who I am?
But no...I think that would be the wrong thing to do. One of the things I realized long ago was that my lack of identity is an important component of this blog. Those who come across it, the vast majority of whom will never know me, can't form an opinion of the words based on what they think of me as a person. The average reader is forced to judge my words on their own merit. Thus, they can't make a judgment based on who I really am; they can't accost me anywhere and take issue with something I said, or conversely walk up to me and converse with me about how happy they are that I said X or Y.
There is a scripture verse that continues to come to me whenever I consider this issue: "It is not I who live, but Christ, who lives in me." (Gal. 2:20)
We do not live our lives for ourselves; we live for others. I think part of the purpose of this blog is an attempt to live for others. I've made a lot of mistakes and yet I realize that I am not alone in them. But God is merciful, God is loving, and He sent His only Son to bring us all Home. It's about that. It's not about me. Long after I'm dust, the same struggles of my life will be going on in other souls. They are happening now.
There are people who write to me on occasion to say that something I revealed in my blog was exactly what they were thinking and can't put into words. Or that my experiences parallel theirs. We as humanity are never alone; I think blogging, more than anything else, has taught me that. And it's humbling to realize that something I wrote had an effect on someone else...and they'll neve realize how those emails, in turn, have an effect on me. So often they've come when I'm about to take down a particular post or quit writing altogether.
One thing I fear; I think sometimes the things I write may give someone the impression that I am holier than I truly am. People who really know me realize I'm far from sainthood, and what amazes me is that they love me in spite of my very large flaws!. Please realize that the more "spiritual" or reflective posts that I write are often written as a sort of self-chastizement. It is not that I am living out the virtues...it is that I am lacking them.
And so, this blog will continue to be anonymously written. Yes, my glaring flaws often find the surface and become posts. Some of those remain up, some are taken down. There may be those who think taking them down is dishonest, yet I find that I must remember the focus of the blog. If a post on a particular incident is not something spiritually or otherwise edifying, sometimes it can prolong an incident. Comments or emails can keep the problem going, and so I've found that for my own health I must take down the posts rashly written and the cathartic venting must have a chance to die the death it deserves. Further, why incite others just because I can't rein in my own temper?
If I try remember that it is supposed to be Christ who lives and reigns in me, then my words here should be an example of that, and that should be the overall tone of my blog. No matter what, my flaws will show, and guaranteed, there will be "amazing disappearing posts" as I might think better of inflammatory words and realize how they conflict with my "mission".
We, as Catholics are charged with the obligation to bring Christ into the world, to build up the Kingdom of God, and to live as blessings to others. This blog is maybe my small mission, but there is one thing I have learned, over and over again; people do not come to Christ through massive speaking engagements. They come to Him one at a time, and sometimes, He asks us to be His hands and His voice.
My anonyminity aids me in doing this; if there are any words that have been good, the credit belongs not to me, but to Jesus. If I have ever offended (and I have), those words are my responsiblity alone.