The Sanctity of Marriage

Marriage has been coming up a lot in my life lately. At work and at my own parish (as both are Catholic prishes!), it's about the Cana dinner. Seriously, I wish I could get married just to GO to some of these! They make me feel very left out as a single.

Because, on one hand, I feel very lonely, a lot, as a single woman. Most of my friends and acquaintances are married, and I'm happy for them. But I can't really share in their lives. I'm always the one on the outside looking in. And I'm always on the cusp of something...eternal singlehood, futured married life, religious life. It's a neverending question. I'm in earthly limbo, forever the girl in the chapel with Jesus worrying about many things while outside, in the main sanctuary, people are constantly getting married and having parties. I'm always missing out.

For awhile, I considered religious life, and I'm not ready to close the door on that...there's more to be done. But more and more, I don't think it's the life God has chosen for me, although it's a life for me to support. And I can't see myself as an eternal single; it just isn't right, somehow. Although there's no one on the horizon, marriage seems the way to go.

In the last few days, marriage has been coming up in different ways in my life. First it was in the very witness of the holy married people I know, the example of their lives and dedication to God, in the parents and in the children. Secondly, it has been in the gift of life itself...children are beautiful! Twice in the last couple days, people have told me I'd make a good wife.

Yesterday, in talking to a fellow chaperone about ski racing, he told me about their son's recent race. His wife will never attend another; she complained that throughout the race, he was just on the very edge of control, and she was terrified the entire time. She doesn't want him to race. On the other hand, Dad (who was relating the story) had a differing opinion, "Right on, son! YEAH! That's my BOY!"

I laughed and commented, "She sounds like a real Mom!"

He agreed. I thought for a moment, wondering about my own attitudes. My impression of a mother is someone who does not want their kids to do something they (the mother) perceives as dangerous. A mother is a "mother hen" type of person; protective, almost or actually to a fault.

So I concluded that I wouldn't be a good mother. And I said so to my companion on the lift. "I'd be a terrible mother. If it was my child's ski race and I saw that edge of control, I'd be rooting all the way. YEAH! GET 'IM! WOO-HOO! YEAH!" ESPECIALLY if it was daughter.

I'd be a horrible Mom...rooting my child on in a dangerous sport. Make no mistake...skiing is a dangerous sport. But there's nothing like it in the world.

My ski partner, speaking from his experience as a Dad, disagreed with me; he said that what's important in motherhood is supporting one's children. Guiding, yes. In legitimate things, support what they want, not pushing what they don't. There's a balance. And he said it's completely proper for a mother to encourage her children in the most dangerous of sports, especially when the mother loves the sport as well.

He's right, of course. But a part of me thinks such is a betrayal, wanting my children to do dangerous things, no matter how much enjoyment that same thing has brought me. Watching my own child on the edge of control on a downhill course...and yet, I can't get past the pride I feel even as I CONSIDER the possibility of my own progeny in the gates!

What does this have to do with holiness? Acting according to God's will, accepting the trust God has for the children conceived in the marriage, allowing those children to act out of free will...and upon the same genes that allowed the parents to dream big dreams, too. Allowing oneself to be guided by God's inherent designs, prayerfully and with purpose...that's holiness in marriage. Giving up one's own will, and accepting what seems contrary...that is holiness in marriage.

I'm amazed by parents.

Just today, I had to help out at a workshop at the church, and my job was actually to do the cooking for the soup and sandwich lunch. That was fine, it went well. The custodian came in every so often for different things, helped out, made sure I could get into what I needed to access. And of course, we all invited him to partake in the food as we had excess.

He was happy to comply, and both he and a man coming in to set up for tomorrow's pro-life breakfast commented that they wish their wives would cook just for them. (I'm seeing a pattern here.)

Both were married men, retired, and dedicating their time to holy causes, and both obviously loved their wives. But both commented about cooking. There is definitely something about going through the stomach to reach the heart of a man!

And let me tell you...their good-natured compliments just based on how the soup smelled made me want to ladle soup into their bowls!

As I was cleaning up, washing the pans, ladles and trays, the custodian came in again, commenting that the cook was also washing dishes! He told me, "You'll make a great wife for some lucky man!"

His words just happened to echo the words of the man setting up for the pro-life breakfast.

I just laughed, waving him off as I continued to scrub the chili residue off of the big soup pot. A few years ago, I would have been insulted at the comment of perceived male oppression. Today, I took it as a compliment, wondering if it was true. Would I make a good wife? Would my work be for my husband, for my family, or would I stay wrapped up in myself as I do as a single? Because compliments in marriage don't last, and working together doesn't always happen.

I love the idea of being a good wife. I love the idea of having a good husband. I love the image of the Holy Family, and want to be part of it. I love doing things for others...when I had a boyfriend, I loved cooking for him. I would go out of my way to make him comfortable in certain regards, and thought it was FUN!

There is just something about offering oneself on behalf of others that is perfectly beautiful, and perfectly proper to the feminine state in life. Being "domesticated" is not a dirty word!

My biggest fear is that marriage will get between me and my relationship with God. I have read Slawomir Biela's book, "God Alone Suffices", found it a great read, and it made me realize the pitfalls of marriage and the heights of single life. God is present everywhere. As a single woman, all I have is God; if I get married, there will be another person to divide my affections. Then what? How to maintain holiness in the face of manliness and family?

So it is that I see a conflict between living the married life well and maintaining a deep prayer life with God. Ironic Catholic details that very problem, and in a way maybe you haven't seen expressed. It's a post well worth reading. I, for one, amd happy for the education.