Strugglin'

I'm having a very rough week, lots going on, in life and spiritually. This morning was a difficult one...all I wanted to do was go back to bed and hide under the covers all day. At times, I was almost in tears.

What's wrong with me, I don't know. And yet, I do know to a certain degree although I'm not going to discuss it.

I haven't stopped praying, though, and have regularly been going to the chapel to pray the Divine Office. This week there seems to be a special phrase for each day. And often, I will stop in the middle of a psalm to speak with God about some other topic on my mind. After awhile I'd return to my prayers...and there would be the answer. Or the understanding. Or the very phrase that answers or even asks what I really want to say.

It reminds me how close God is, even in our sin, in our questions and in the smallest moments of our lives.

That's how we come to know God, sometimes; by falling. By shattering. We can't put ourselves back together, but God can, and He does, little by little, if we'll let Him.

But it doesn't stop there; in other things in life, God draws attention to our flaws and our struggles through other people. More and more, I've been seeing where I lack charity and patience, where I haven't given all that I could have. Tonight I gave a talk, and in the midst of the talk I realized that although I was there before an audience, the words needed to be directed towards me, probably more so than everyone else.

Yet I'm grateful for these moments and for my struggles this week. Even though I have sinned, I'm seeing God more clearly in His infinite Mercy, and coming to see my flaws in much greater degree.

Praise God for His enduring mercy, for if we don't ever experience it, we can't live it and can't exercise it. And without mercy, we'll never know love or justice.

I love being Catholic; it's a living paradox that makes more sense the deeper one goes.
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