Rest in Peace

This day always seems to sneak up on me. Even though it looms, and I know it's there, and even though I get a little anxious and sad around this time of year because of it, often those feelings are set aside in the joy of Christmas.

But then January 3rd arrives, and it hits me. And no matter what I'm doing when I realize it, I stop, almost shocked.

Thirteen years ago today, my brother woke me up - he burst into my room, shook my mattress to wake me, and said, "Dad's in the hospital! Wake up!"

He had just gotten back from Michigan on New Year's Day, having spent a month with him, caring for him. I had just arrived back from Mexico exactly a month before, and had been working to pay for school and other needs for the next semester.

We couldn't do anything, so that afternoon I went to work, but hovered when I could around the phone. I knew it was the end. But that call didn't come. My co-workers knew it was a deathwatch, and waited with me, in a sense. I left that evening, heading home through the midnight of winter, not knowing.

Mom met me at the door and told me Dad had passed away at 9:30. I can still hear her words: "Your Daddy died tonight honey. I'm very sorry."

I can still feel the cold, razor-sharp bite of grief as it pierced me, almost cauterizing the wound it caused. I went into the livingroom, and, sitting in the darkness, called my brother who had left to return to school that day.

The funeral took place a few days later, and we made the stricken pilgrimage to Michigan for it. I missed the first day of classes at my university, and it began a terrible semester as I dove back into my life, not knowing how to deal with what had happened.

I did write a long work, which I've considered publishing, and may re-write in a series of posts; because I couldn't speak, but I could write. And it helped. Some have said that I should post this story, because it might help others, too.

And my Dad would want that.

I still miss my Dad, I still love him, and I still pray for him. And one day, I hope to see him again.

Please pray for him, too.