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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

How to tell if you're a Catholic

If you are Catholic, you accept and hold as your own the following Creed:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord.
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit
Born of the Virgin Mary
Suffered under Pontias Pilate,
Was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into Hell, rose again and is seated at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty
And will come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit
The Holy Catholic Church
The Communion of Saints
The forgiveness of sins
The resurrection of the body
And life everlasting, AMEN!

If you believe AND FOLLOW the above, then this is a sign you are at least trying to be Catholic.
How, then, do you tell that you are NOT Catholic, but only claim to be Catholic: you follow the following creed:

I believe in Mother Earth/Gaia/a higher being
who is most likely a woman
And the Earth is her womb

I believe that Jesus was a prophet who said a few good things but we can disregard most of it because he taught us to be inclusive and follow our consciences and we were not bound by his words.

I believe that Jesus was not crucified to teach us about redemptive suffering or to save our souls, because we're all ok, but rather to help us learn about social justice issues such as HIV and sex without protection.

I believe that there is no such thing as sin because this is an outmoded ideal and the Church needs to catch up and get with the times.

I believe that all governments should be as Pro-Choice as Pontias Pilate, and it's OK to be personally opposed as long as we wash our hands if we disagree, but still tolerate the bloodshed that follows and not allow our own morality to be imposed upon someone else, especially if the populace sentences that lump of flesh our religion sometimes calls "Jesus" to die a brutal death.

I believe in an afterlife of some sort involving 49 virgins, or maybe reincarnation, and that God doesn't really care what we do as long as we're good people, then we can go to this place some people call "heaven", and it likely involves lots of sex and chocolate. Gay couples are likely married there.

But heaven is most likely a democratic victory and only those who follow our savior, John Kerry will be acceptable because he is our version of God.


Be prepared for the next installment of how to identify your "Catholicness".

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