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Monday, June 15, 2009

Top Reasons to Enter the Seminary or Religious Life

I've decided that the previous post should be split up so that each part can stand alone. It got a little confusing reading the responses to the serious portion and then the responses to the comedic part. Below, please find the answers to the questions in bold print, and leave your own in the combox! I know that many of my readers are discerning, have discerned, etc., and will have some of their own humorous observations and things they wish they could have said had they not been biting their tongue so hard!

Oh, by the way...that's why I'm here. I don't really like biting my tongue. Ow. It's more fun to use biting humor!

Without further ado, if you were considering entering the seminary or religious life (brother, sister, nun, friar, monk) what would you say if someone learned this and, not knowing you, asked you....

"Are you trying to escape?"

* Yes. I think the Feds are after me, or maybe the Mafia, and I want to become a Nun in New York and lead a choir. Sounds like a great way to have fun and not get shot.

* Yes. I have a lot of debt and I figure if I go hide in a convent no one will ever find me again. Can my boyfriends visit me there?

* Yes. I'm tired of having a thankless job and no identity so I figure if I go live in a religious community and blend in with everyone else and work with the poor, everyone will love me and pick me out of the crowd to be their friend.

* Are YOU?

* Do you know me well enough to pose such an intimate question? Have you been stalking me? Can I have you arrested for that?

* From what? The voices in my head? You're just jealous because they don't talk to YOU!

"What are you trying to escape?"

* Well...YOU! Isn't it obvious? I thought the OFP (Order For Protection, ie Restraining Order) would have made that clear....

* My attorney told me I'm not supposed to talk about it.

* Prison. And if you hand me the chocolate and step away with your hands where I can see them, no one will get hurt. Oh, and go get me some coffee!

* What do you know about it? Who told you? Who sent you? Are you trying to intimidate me?

* Sharks! I heard they learned how to walk and Jack Handey says they might be riding elephants now....

* Oh, nothing. Just positive thoughts...think positive thoughts....DANG IT, THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!



* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!

* You know that whole thing about the Builderburg group? well I shouldn't have tried to expose their conspiracies......


* I'm looking for a high-powered high-paying job in the non-profit sector.

* I'd like to have more free time to pursue my hobbies. (This might actually work if your hobbies are Eucharistic Adoration, praying the Liturgy of the Hours, Serving the Poor and Homeless, Teaching in Schools, and silently contemplating the Beautiful Face of our Saviour on the Cross.)

* The Sisters just got a 72" Plasma TV, and satellite TV, and you're an NFL/Nascar/golf/hockey junkie.

"Really Not Funny"

* I'm not trying to escape. I LIKE kneeling all day and fasting on bread and water.

* I'm a closet anorexic, and this life lets it stay in the closet.

* It's a life of ease... no bills, no bad people, no worries.

Add your own smarty-pants answers in the combox!


Joe of St. Thérèse said...

Things I'd never tell a seminary rector:

Are you trying to escape
No, I'm not, if I was trying to escape, There are far more interesting places than Montana to be. Like the Vatican next door to the Pope, or South Beach soaking up the sun.

What are you trying to escape?
I've been labeled a terrorist and am trying to avoid gitmo detainee status.

Adoro said...

Hey, now, I know a Vocation director in Montana...and another awesome priest. They NEED great priests there! :-) Maybe you should consider Montana. Besides, it's only about 10 hours from MN and I've been meaning to go there for a long time now.....


Love the "terrorism" comment! :-D

Joe of St. Thérèse said...

Ironically, I do too thanks to you :) and we are in discussions actually, details in an upcoming e-mail.

Sara said...

There's always the classic:
pause, look questioner up and down and say "Well, if I told you I'd have to kill you."


It's the next step toward becoming an albino, monk assassin.

The Ironic Catholic said...

I like Sara's.

You can say "why yes, I'm trying to escape the Emerald Ash Borer. I'm really worried, the way it has been covered round here...."

Anonymous said...

How do they 'solve a problem like Maria?' They send her to the Convent!

Maybe it's not we who are trying to escape the world, maybe it's the world trying to get rid of us.
(so they think... ha ha ha!)

What the world doesn't know is that we are like the news investigators... we're everywhere!
ha ha ha

Adoro said...