Monday, June 08, 2009
A friend asked me tonight if my family reads my blog.
No, they don't.
He asked if they know about it? Well...my brother knows I have one, but he doesn't know what it is. Nor do my co-workers.
My family doesn't even know I'm discerning religious life.
I almost told my Mom last night, but pulled the comment at the last moment and said something inane instead. Nothing is certain. I don't have a plane ticket in hand to take me out east. It's still possible this won't happen. And besides...it's only for a week. It's a visit. It might mean nothing.
The other day, I almost wrote to my uncle in Hawaii, because he is active in the Serra Club in his diocese. I considered sending an email to my Godfather.
I called my cousin, my Confirmation Sponsor, to wish her happy birthday, and am glad I didn't reach her, for in that moment of weakness I might have told her this news, for it is her words that continue to echo in my memory.
What scares me most is that I almost told Mom, but thought better of it, preferring to keep this to myself for now.
My family doen't need to know...and I'm not sure they'd take me seriously, anyway.
And then my Mom made a comment that took me by surprise. She'd been to my cousin's graduation, and apparently was sharing news about my brother and I, as parents tend to do. She said that some of our relatives are "proud" of me!
I nearly fell out of my chair. WHY?! I'm about to declare bankruptcy and maybe even lose my house for want of a livable wage!
They're amazed I put myself through college (still haven't paid my undergrad loans), and that I'm putting myself through grad school. They never thought it could happen.
But I still can't tell them. All I can think about is my aunt's words from a few years ago: "We don't tell people what you're doing because we never know how long it will last."
I know that when (assuming it happens) I fly out to Conneticut in July, I'll have to 'fess up to my Mom and tell her why I'm going. I toyed with the idea of saying I'm just going on retreat, but she knows my financial situation and would have questions as to 1. how I got a plane ticket, and 2. why I find it necessary to go that far away for "a retreat".
So I'll have to tell her. And the second I do...everyone else will know about it. You see, my family is like a small town. Who needs the internet when there is a large unweildy family full of siblings that stop fighting only long enough to bond over odd news about the black sheep that descended from them?
I only hope that when I blab the news, I manage to keep my blog out of the mix. I really do need to reserve this part of my "hidden life". Only God knows what they would say about it. I've written of things on here that would kill my Mom if she knew.
If my family learned about this, I'd stop writing. I wouldn't be able to speak freely.
Yet there's a part of me that wants to spout off about this stuff. I've never been one who can lie. I can't hide important details. Eventually, everything comes out.
Yesterday, it almost did. It was a close call.
But I'm not ready for them to know. Especially because even I don't know and all I really want is the freedom to find out. In peace.