The Ripple Effect of Sin

We all know about confessing the sins we commit. We read examinations of conscience, focusing on all those things we've done. We go to Confession, we go through our laundry list, and sometimes, it becomes rote because we do the same things wrong all the time.

But every so often, God calls our attention not to what we've actively done to offend Him...but to what we HAVEN'T done. And those sins of omission are often far more brutal in nature than those we actively commit.

The Gospel of Self Esteem

We live in a world that embraces the Gospel of Self-Esteem, a world that focuses on the good that is done, and the evil only if it is defined according to the popular political causes of the day. We are encouraged to think well of ourselves, to treat ourselves well, to give ourselves a break, and to realize that, in all probability, we have an awesome impact on people who come into our lives. It is suggested that we focus on this positive impact, because God forbid that we get into the thought process embodied in "It's a Wonderful Life!"

While I do think it's important for us to realize that we have an inherent dignity and value, and that our lives DO matter to others, and we do, indeed, most likely have a positive impact on the people around us, we also have to remember that we are fallen creatures. And thus, somtimes our not-so-holy-actions have a negative impact, one that can ripple even through centuries and millenia.

Judgment

I know that one day I will stand at my own particular judgment, and I'm pretty darned aware of what I've done in life, the sins I've actively committed, and still commit. And to be honest, I often beat myself up over many of these, especially the big ones, and for a few reasons.

First,because the "big ones" still have an impact in my life, one that will never go away for as long as I walk this earth. For this reason, I have a VERY difficult time in forgiving myself. It might be one of my biggest struggles; forgiving myself. I've been to Confession, and I know that God has forgiven me, and I think I've even had perfect contrition in some of those cases (God can judge that, I can't). Yet, I can't forgive myself, and so at times, I continue to beat myself up over some of these.

Recently I went to Confession, and while I do not suffer from scrupulosity (basically, the belief that EVERYTHING is a sin, and the sufferer cannot seem to accept any consolation of mercy), the priest did note some of my general struggle. He said to me that there is a fine line between beating ourselves up and recognizing and being sorry for our sins...and God does not want us to beat ourselves up. He is merciful, He wants us to experience His mercy, and He wants us to remember His mercy, always.

I am comforted by this counsel, versions of which I've heard over and over again, from different Confessors.

As I mentioned, I do often beat myself up over those things I know are wrong; in part, because if I don't, I find myself rationalizing them. They become unimportant, or "not so bad." I too easily fall into the trap of "Well, that person does it and I think that person is holy, so if they do it, it must be ok." Even contrary to what I know to be objective, I'll give in to rationalization and the next thing you know, I won't bring up that sin in Confession because I no longer "consider" it to be a sin. Thus, it seems far preferable to "beat myself up" and keep that sin in front of my face, even if someone I respect commits it, too. That way, at least I know I did something wrong, I can take personal responsiblity, and I find that when I am tempted by vanity or pride, I can remember somethig that "isn't a big deal" and realize how far I have to go towards Sainthood.

Yet, it is not these "active" sins that scare me the most. I know that I will go before God with these, and I will remember them (even if He does not), but I can accept that because I know my purgatorial state is necessary. It is not these sins that scare me, for I am, I think, paying a lot of my temporal punishment in this life.

Sins of Omission

These are the sins maybe we commmit but don't recognize, for they are a deficit in proper behavior and proper actions. They arise not from what we do...but from what we DON'T do. They are the sins of missed opportunities.

Consideration of these sins are what make me shake in my shoes. Not what I did...but what I didn't do when called to do something.

And second to this...I consider the ripple-effect of those times in life that I had a HORRIBLE effect on someone else. I know of some of these situations, although I'll never be able to see the impact. I remember moments of unkind words, even apologies to the person offended, responded to in humility rather than anger. I think it has been the humility, over the years, that causes me to remember some of these, for they taught me the most.

Amazing to me; even in our most vile moments, we offend God by offending our friends, and He responds in such a way that true kindness towards our evil strikes serve to bring us to real contrition...even years later.

I spent years being evil, both in outward actions as well as in omissions. Part of reconciliation is making amends to offended parties, but most of those are not in my life and were only passing through, chance encounters. I'll never be able to apologize. And I'll never know the ripple effect of my own evil. Yet, God is merciful and He has given me opportunities to make up for some of it, and I only pray that I live long enough to do enough good to counteract the evil I have brought into the world.

We DO have to recognize that while we may have a positive effect on people, we also have a negative effect on others; actively and passively. It's healthy to recognize this, for once we do, we can own it, we can claim it, and we can give it to God in the Sacrament of Confession.

Maybe we'll still suffer for our past action or lack therof; but at least we can come to the point of agreement with God that we have not lived up to His standard.

I wish I could make it up to all the people I've offended, especially in those years during which I so embraced my anger and took it out on everyone around me. Often I knew what was the right thing to do; and still, I chose my own path, not God's.

How great is God's mercy. How great is His compassion; and so my prayer remains that those who were victims of my own sins have experienced God's compassion to a far greater extent than that which I have experienced myself.

I think, to some degree, I understand the Apostle Paul, for he and I are so similiar in so many ways. I pray for his intercession over the next year, and hope that I, too, will be given so many opportunities to bring people to Christ, especially those my actions injured the most.