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Saturday, August 06, 2005

Who I am

A friend recently suggested to me that I start my own blog. I actually wondered what I could POSSIBLY have to say to fill up a web page. Then I realized that this is ME and when in the right frame of mind, I am now, and likely will always be...a motormouth.

Now before the story begins, it is time for the standard disclaimer:

Adoro Te Devote would like to take the time to warn you that she is not blessed with a linear thought process and so arrives at her conclusions often after a very scenic route. There are no maps provided so each reader is at the mercy of the words on this page and Adoro Te Devote will not be held liable for any lost readers. Adoro Te Devote would be happy to call out to any of the deserted, however, and help them find their way home. Blessed Be God Forever. Adoro Te Devote.

Moving on...

So! Who am I? I'm guessing that if you take the time to read what I may or may not have to say, you will come to figure that out. Through this work I will be revealing little pieces of myself as we go and I wonder at the need to really put everything out there right up front.

I will say this: I am a faithful Catholic woman, and most of this work will be about my life, the Church and the Lord I love so much. I am Catholic first and all else second, and sometimes even I have a hard time living up to this standard.

It is not easy to walk in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, yet this is what we are all called to do.

I think you need to understand that I have not always been a faithful Catholic. I was raised Catholic and during my adolescence I was very much involved in the music ministry of my parish, and this quite likely saved my life. There was never a question about attending Mass on Sunday...we were there faithfully, every single weekend.

I remember during the summer my Mother would sometimes attend Daily Mass. I never understood what drew her so strongly as I was usually very bored at the Sunday Masses...why, then, would anyone want to go every day? Of course you see the flaws in my thinking. First of all, I assumed that my opinion was the only one, and that if I was bored, then it must be boring for everyone else.

Clearly I did not understand what was taking place during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Clearly, I was poorly catechized, as were so many other post Vatican II children. But I digress...that is a topic for another day.

I went to college and rebelled...I stopped going to Mass unless I was home for the holidays. Ironically, I attended a Catholic University, but even there the Masses were watered down and I was uncomfortable with what I recognize now as liturgical abuses. Yet again, another topic for another post.

I lived a life of sin, like so many others. Thanks be to God that I had to work my way through college as this requirement kept me out of trouble, but just the same, in my rebellion against God and the Church, morally I went downhill fast.

So I graduated and moved into my first career which was a very difficult time for me for many many reasons. I really needed the blessed fold of the Church, but I was still running away from what I recognized to be the Truth. I had many questions and didn't know where to go to find the answers. And truth be told, I was not ready to hear the answers my soul so needed to experience.

Every time I went to Mass, I would cry uncontrollably and so at the end would flee to the sanctuary of my car and speed home to ponder what was happening to me. My attendance at Mass was few and far between, but it seemed every time the story of the Prodigal Son was read, I would be there and those words of forgiveness and acceptance grabbed my by the scruff of the soul and made me pay attention. I continued to weep as unotrusively as possible, but I refused to go to Confession...I refused to come home.

To make a long story short, over the years God gently called me home, over and over again, and finally, at long last, I am home. I have found my parish family and I have found an intimate relationship with Jesus much so that I have finally begun to realize he may be calling me to take vows.

Yes, this not-so-humble rebel may actually be called...and only time will tell. Won't you please walk with me for awhile on this sometimes lonely road?


Carmen said...

Blessed are you who have come to know Jesus more intimately!

I hope you still feel strongly about taking your vows and are working toward that.


Adoro Te Devote said...

Hi, Carmen.

I wouldn't say that I'm "working towards vows" as that would imply that I've figured out what God wants of me. This is a long strange journey, and what I've learned, is, not only the initial conclusion that I'm not worthy, but I've also learned that the answers all come on God's time and not my own. That's hard to deal with.

The sense that I might be called comes and goes, but so does the sense that I might be called to marriage. It's so hard to know what to do!

So I must keep leaning on God, and either way, no matter where this journey leads, I hope to find my way to wherever he wants me.

God bless you and wherever you happen to be on your walk with Jesus!

Please stop by again!

Tim said...

So this is the famous first post of Adore Te Devote! You know I see a couple of similarities between you and I.
I am at work just chugging thru your interesting blog.
You are a joy to read.