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Tuesday, August 09, 2005


It's random thought night.

I played hookey from a prayer meeting for 2 reasons: I'm exhausted from my long day at work and I needed to complete some chores as a friend is coming over tomorrow. The house is all sorts of furry as I have 2 dogs, one of which sheds enormously.

It's still all sorts of furry. I fight this losing battle either against my laziness and procrastination or maybe just because the dog hair creates mini-mountains everywhere and the second I vacuum, they come out of hiding and settle upon everything once again.

Maybe my dog does it on purpose to get back at me for leaving them alone all day while I work so I can feed them and pay vet bills.

But let's not talk about vet bills. The last one still stings and glares at me from the credit card bill.

I don't like bills or credit cards. But the vet was nice. Expensive, but nice. And my dog is still alive and well, so I guess it all works out ok.

So! Has anyone else taken notice of an increase in spiritual torments lately? An increase in warfare of the spiritual dimension? Have you been bothered more so than usual by your human frailties and weaknesses? Have your dreams been disturbing, or have you awakened feeling some vague sense of unrest? Has your heart begun to pound for no apparent reason?

And for all you daily communicants, have you experienced impure or other types of tormenting thoughts at Mass, of all places?

I have...all of the above. I attend daily Mass, and although the last few days have been OK, so often I have had to call out to the Lord for help. I have been easily distracted and I've been in that desert where I've been feeling seperated from God..even when he's right in front of me. I went to Confession about a week ago before Mass on a weekday, in complete tears, desperate to become reconciled.

I returned to my seat and knelt to pray my penance and contrition to the Lord, and all the while, a little nagging "voice" told me I was still impure, I was still fallen, and I wasn't sorry enough. I didn't merit God's mercy and I wasn't good enough to have my name written upon the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

I actually entertained these doubts for awhile, thinking that maybe I should not attend communion...I had maybe forgotten a sin, or maybe my contrition was not adequate. The little "voice" told me to go with that, avoid recieving Communion, and that I should think more about what I had done to not deserve salvation.

I realized, of course, from whence this imp came and with whose voice it spoke...and I prayed and resolved that, feeling worthy or not, I should not question the hand that absolved me. I should not question Jesus' mercy.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

Praise the Lord for his forgiveness, for his Mercy.

Eternal Father, I offer you the body and blood, soul and divinity, of your dearly beloved son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

Jesus, I trust in you.
Immaculate Heart of Mary....pray for us
Sacred Heart of Jesus...have mercy on us!

1 comment:

Tim said...

I'm glad you overcame the temptor and saw through that attack.