On My Mind

There's a lot going on in my life right now, but here's a snapshot:

Primero: 

This morning I had 72 followers, and as such, was beginning to think maybe I was Muslim or something. Had I reached the Nirvana of Islam?  But that idea came crashing to my feet when I checked in later and found out I had only 67 followers.  I could only walk away with ONE conclusion:  I'm not Muslim.  

Once I realized that, I got a new follower, and he didn't even know what I'd been thinking!  

Segundo:

Lent begins on Wednesday, and I need to go to Confession. Yes, already. I like to start Lent with a clean slate, but I've had a rough couple days of it since Saturday, and just feel yucky.  So I'd like to avail myself of the Sacrament of Confession, Penance, and Reconciliation, with a bit of Forgiveness and Healing added to the mix.  (Oh...wait...that's all of it in ONE!  How cool is THAT!?)  

Everyone is talking about what they're giving up for Lent;  coffee, chocolate, alcohol, meat, wheatgrass, organic fuel, food in general, etc.  

I've taken all of these under advisement and have come to a conclusion:  the problems in my life arise directly from sin.  Usually my own, although occasionally I'm the victim of someone else's sin, and so be it.  I can't control that, but maybe I can control my own issues. So...with much thought and prayer, I've decided that for the next 46 days or so, I'm going to give up sin. 

Yup. 

I've always wanted to be a Saint, and yeah, Saints are the people who never quit trying, but I've decided to kick my competetive side into gear, and I'm just not going to TRY...I'm going to DO!  Um...I mean I'm not going to Sin at all.  Ever.  Nope. I'm giving it all up.  

Sinning is so much fun most of the time. I can whine and complain and under current parlance, that's "venting" but never mind "venting" causes harm to others in different ways, by what they're hearing and opinions they're forming about the subject of the vent, just or unjust, etc.  So, clearly, venting is often a sin (maybe not always, though. You can vent just fine about a GM car with a cracked cylinder head at 67,000 miles and not damage anyone's rep because everyone knows GM is dissolving, anyway).  But venting about people?  That's gossip, calumny, and detraction. Can't do that anymore.  So, buh-bye, venting!  

And it doesn't stop there. But because I don't feel like naming ALL my sins, well, let's just say when I go to Confession I can get rid of them and just resolve not to committ those sins again. Right?  Right!  And that's what we call a "firm purpose of amendment!"  :-D  

So, as you can see, I'm giving up sin.  It'll be a hard go of it, but maybe with this firm purpose of amendment I've pulled out of my...uh..nevermind....

Moving on...

Tercero:

The Roommate Chronicles. 

I apologize for the scandal I've caused in my rants about living with another person. I don't mean to attack her, and in fact, I knew before she moved in here that she has "issues", and I even know what some of those issues are.  I have behaved very badly, have set a very bad example, and in fact, that should make people realize how desperately I also need conversion.  But I've misused my blog and hope to never do so again. I ask you to keep my roommate in your prayers; she is dealing with some things, and really doesn't need me to make things worse for her.  

We had a little (very small) conversation last night before she darted out of the room and never surfaced again, but apparently my entreaty to her to communicate with me hit its mark and she called tonight to do just that.  Deo gratias!  It enabled me to return her call and leave a message on her voicemail with the important info (such as bills) she has not given me a chance to provide to her in the last several days.  I also left some other info about what I suspect is the problem for her, such that it MAY open the door for actual communication should she choose to walk through that door of her own accord.  

I joked earlier today that "I could be holier if it weren't for this hair shirt God sent me", but obviously that's the point;  we are supposed to accept what comes to us and THAT is what makes us grow in holiness. I've been failing miserably, I've recognized that fact, and still I've been a complete jerk.  

That's not to say she hasn't been, but when people mistreat us, we have a greater duty to step up and be charitable, no matter what. I could have handled things better, and it IS possible to be charitable without letting people walk all over us. I'm figuring out how to do that now, thanks be to God. 

Um...dang it....FOURTH...

My Vocational discernment has been on my mind, as always, but has taken a back seat.  That shouldn't happen.  But God has acted through this and reminded me to keep my eyes on Him. Everything else is a distraction. 

Today I came across something that made me think of my Dad. I have often wondered how he would react to my discernment.  Right now, neither my mother nor my brother knows what I am thinking, and, considering that I am discerning a very austere, cloistered way of life, well...I'll admit I'm afraid to tell them.  I wondered how Dad would take such news.  He passed away long ago, but today, I think I got my answer, and maybe this is one of those little gifts from God...who's looking out for both me and my "Dear Old Dad" (as he used to quote):

I'M THE DADDY OF A NUN

That day she left me early
I was feeling mighty blue,
Just a-thinking how I’d miss her
And the things she used to do.

But now, somehow it’s different—
With each rising of the sun,
And my heart is ever singing:
“I’m the daddy of a nun.”

Since to err is only human,
There’s a whole lot on the slate
That I’ll have to make account for
When I reach the golden gate.

But then I’m not a-worrying
About the deeds I’ve done,
I’ll just whisper to St. Peter:
“I’m the daddy of a nun.”

(Posted by Sr. Judith Miryam, O.P.)

And you know...I think that's the decision Dad, who was a Lutheran, would have come to. I think he would be proud, no matter what. Because he'd follow his own advice he'd given me long ago: "You can do anything you want and I'll always love you."  And Dad, always, as long as he lived, was proud of me.  He never got to see the fruit of lot of what he encouraged me to do, but I have no doubt God is keeping him updated. 

Thanks, Dad.  

And dang it...now I'm crying.  

Fifth: 

Jesus reminded me that sin renders us useless in the Church Militant.  Maybe more on this later, but if we allow ourselves to become distracted by our favorite sins, we become dead weight to the rest of the Church, which needs our prayers, our involvement, our unity.  We need to take this time of Lent to truly look at ourselves, to go before the Lord and come clean, and let Him be our strength. We need to fast and pray and observe penitential mortifications in order to understand our true poverty.  We have to see, in our lives, what renders us useless to God...so that He might take those burdens away, or at least help us to deal with them.  

And only in doing this can we be made new, and be called to arise with Him in the Resurrection.  

*

I have more on my mind than that, but writing about it all is taking a toll on me and I can't do any more tonight.