Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam...
~ The Princess Bride
In my crabby ranting post I wrote last night in which I expressed that having a roommate is making me seriously reconsider the potential of religious life, there was a comment I want to address.
He expressed that he feels I have a Vocation to motherhood.
I sincerely disagree with every fibre of my being. If there is ANYTHING that gives me any sense of peace at all, it is the "knowledge" that I am NOT called to marriage.
I love marriage. It's beautiful. It is holy. It is part of God's plan of salvation. I will fight all day long to defend marriage, and I will defend the life of unborn children.
But it's not my Call.
Last summer, I attended the wedding of a friend, and it was beautiful. She and her husband are very holy people, they knew fully what they were doing, they had carefully discerned God's will, and let's just say it's one of those weddings even Priests like!
But I had an amazing moment during that Wedding Mass; when they stood at the altar exchanging vows, I realized that I never wanted to have that experience. I did not want to stand at the altar and give my vows to some mere mortal. I DID NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED! EVER! As I prayed about this, I was absolutely FLOODED with peace, and even a kind of quiet joy...the knowledge that this is not where God is calling me.
That sense has not left me. I am not called to marriage, I am not called to have children.
That shouldn't be taken to mean that I hate men, marriage, or children. Far from it! I LOVE all those things, I love the Sacrament...but it's not where I belong. And that's a sense that I've had for a very long time, although I was in denial of it. Even as I've embraced my Single life, I'd wondered, and said that I was "open" to marriage. Am I now? Of course..God Calls where He will. But He also helps us to know what it is that He is asking...or not asking.
I firmly believe that God is NOT asking me to get married. That doesn't sadden me. It isn't something to be mourned, because it's not something I ever "possessed".
People have told me over the years that a good Sister would also have to be a good wife and mother, and I agree. But I've considered marriage, and even focused on it...and have eliminated it from consideration at this point.
This is a good thing; it means that one door has been closed. The options that remain are religious life or the single life. Of those, I have to discern what community/charism/spirituality, etc., or if not, then what kind of single life? Single life as I live it now, or consecrated single life as a hermit?
Having a roommate again is leading me back into single life, but I also realize my irritation could only be a temporary distraction. I am by no means at the end of my discernment.
I am, however, happy and very peaceful with the understanding that marriage is not my Vocation. And that is a relief!