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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Discernment Blues

On Day 1 I posted that I am discerning a possible call to religious life and I heard about trials that come to people trying to discern God's will...and WHEW! They weren't kidding! And I KNOW that I have not even remotely begun to experience true spiritual battle

I know that I said too that I'd post my story, and maybe I'll get around to it. Or maybe not...because, you see, I am at occasional work on a novel loosely based upon my life, featuring a character like myself, but much better. So in essence, the novel is about a woman living my life...but doing it better than I am. I don't really want to give the story away, though because, of course, if I were to publish such a book, I would like to be able to sell it and not give it away for free on the internet.

But then again, the liklihood of my ever 1. finishing the book, or 2. publishing said hypothetical book, is next to nil so I don't imagine that my writing about some of it here would really mean anything in the long run.

On the "pro" side, though, maybe part of my story will be like someone else's story, and throug my telling I might offer some unknown person some needed support in the form of idenfication...in lending to them the knowledge that they are not alone.

I know I have read some of the stories of others and recognized similarities to my own experiences, and they have helped me greatly.

But I digress.

My story. My discernment. How many bloody times can I use the words "my" or "I" in one paragraph?

That's the first problem. I'm completely self-centered. Which leads to my first doubt that I'm "Called"...I can't even get over myself. Self-centered nuns aren't really following their "baptismal call"...and if I become a sister or a nun, I want to represent Christ...not myself.

Another problem...I think I've "lost" all my initial consolations, because God is weaning me from them...he got my attention, and got me listening to him...and now I can't even drag my sorry rear out of bed in the dark winter mornings to go to Mass. How would I do getting up so early or earlier most of the year to go pray in the chapel with other drowsy consecrated women? I think I'm addicted to God..but only if he gives me consolations.

But then again, I realize that faith is an act of the will and the intellect, not just a feeling.

And my faith was tested this last weekend, and I feared I lost it all...and had to make conscious effort to believe in God. I have read of Saints who experienced this trial...and Blessed Mother Theresa was one of them. Her life was barren of consolations.

I had to engage my intellect, not my emotions...and I think that trial has passed. I didn't do so well, but then again, I'm still here and I still love the Lord. I guess that's a passing grade. But my attitude isn't so great when I'm confronted by these trials....so how could I be called? I don't really have the temperment.

Some days and weeks and months (as current) are like this, and all I can think about is WHY would GOD want ME? I'm NOTHING! I'm the LAST PERSON ON EARTH who should even consider a life of sacrifice for the Church...and yet, whenever I feel or think this way, I happen upon a Bible verse talking about how Jesus came for the sinners.

Well, here I am. A sinner. An imperfect, struggling woman, sinning my way through life just trying to find the road to Heaven...and it's so hard to see in all this secular, worldly darkness.

Everyone, please pray for those who are discerning God's will in their lives. I'm not referring only to religious Vocations, but those discerning marriage, those living singly, those discerning God's will in their jobs, with their children, etc.

Discernment is a bear and a trial unto itself.

God Bless you all. I will offer prayers for all of my known and unknown readers, and ask only that you offer prayers for anyone you know who really needs you tonight.

Adoro Te Devote

1 comment:

AndyMacOP said...

Just saying that you are discerning is huge and a sign that God is calling you to something more. I will be in Minnesota in a couple of weeks. Email me via my blog if you want to have a discernment party.