That Conversation

The plot thickens!

This morning I received an email from a Sister in another religious community, inviting me to visit them since I'll be so close to them in July. I immediately accepted her invitation and have been working to find plane tickets that will incorporate both communities. In this process, I also discovered that you can acutally plan for a multi-destination trip, and because the cost doesn't differ from the range of the round-trip to Hartford, CT and back, well...I'm adding in a stop!

So it seems, at this point, I'll be flying out to Connecticut to vist one community, which happens to be active/contemplative. From there I'll be taking an Amtrak through New York into New Jersey, where the Sisters of the second community will pick me up. The second is a cloistered community with whom I've had some contact, and I'm incredibly grateful for the invite! And, as you all know my affinity for the Dominican charism.... ;-)

From there I'll fly into Cleveland (as long as the prices allow) to visit friends, and then return home. This could be a 14-21 day trip, approximately, and I'm greatly looking forward to it. In fact, it's going to be quite an adventure as I've never been to the East Coast, I don't know anyone there at all, I've never been on a train, and what I thought was going to be a simple trip has instead turned into a multi-state affair!

Not So Hidden Anymore

This afternoon I met with my spiritual director, who was aware of most of these developments, so of course we had a great deal to discuss. He is very supportive of this visit, and is of course well aware of my financial situation. We both agree that going on this trip is the right thing to do, no matter how insane it seems. The time is there, even if the money isn't. Yet, we all know that everything belongs to God, and it could very well be that the money will appear.

It's with this huge leap of trust that I'm dedicating my 6 weeks of summer to vocational discernment. It ALL belongs to God (but for my 10 hours per week...oh, wait, I work in the Church, that's God's too!).

OK, yes, granted, there seems to be some time for a friendly vacation, but even that will be in the company of some of the finest Catholics I have ever met!

As I mentioned before, I have spoken with my brother, so he is aware of the reason for my trip out East. This evening, with shaking hands, I called my Mom and delivered the news to her as well.

The conversation went fine. She remembered a few years ago that I'd brought this up, but didn't realize it was still on my mind as I haven't spoken of it for so long. She didn't fully understand (and still doesn't) why I have to go so far away. I pointed out that it has to do with God's will, not mine. She came back with the idea that it has to be my will, to.

She's right. And it is also my will that I go. That was harder to explain to her; she seemed to be taking that as a personal affront that I would want to go so far away.

It's not possible to explain to her how often I pray that God's will be my own, and that, if I'm agreeing with God, it is not an act against her, but an act in union with Our Lord, for the benefit of all souls, even if I can't really grasp this idea myself.

It's hard to realize that our actions, our fiat to God's wil,l actually does affect the world, especially when we are speaking in terms of souls and eternal life. Vocations are very serious business; it is proper that we suffer for them.

Maybe what was most shocking for Mom was that I am considering several cloistered communities. I explained that it's not because I think that's where I'm really called. Only that God has gotten my attention, directed me to a few specific places, and I'll be visiting one of them in July. The other is active, or in my Mom's words, "In the world."

She asked if she could tell others. I didn't give an answer, asked only how she thought others would take this news?

I impressed upon her that this isn't a "career" move. This is something very very serious that has been a part of my life for years now, and I'm not going on this trip out of idle curiosity. She agreed and understood that. What concerns me is the way she wants to explain it to people: "My daughter wants to go into the convent."

Only God knows what some would think! On one hand it sounds menial or even frivolous. On the other hand, it brings to mind images of St. Faustina knocking on ancient European convent doors until she was finally admitted.

Knowing my history, knowing my extended family, they would hear her statement as nothing other than, "She wants to be a firefighter" or "She wants to work with people."

Maybe the best I can hope for is that they DO pass it off as nothing major, just another "thing", but no doubt Mom will mention the financial situation. No doubt I'll get calls from my financial-minded uncles asking if I've lost my mind and why I'm going on a trip when I need to be finding work in order to make money to pay for my mortgage. Because of course, the mortgage is a contract.

I'd normally agree. I know that what I'm doing makes no earthly sense. I know that choosing a life of celibacy and prayer is a complete shocker to a world that advocates and tries to enforce hedonism and as much sex as possible with as many people as possible.

Maybe in some ways, this is the rebel in me surfacing again, but this time, for the good!

In any case, finally, Mom knows, my brother knows, and no doubt my family will know soon. I did emphasize that I'm going to FIND OUT if this is the life to which God has called me. Mom thinks it might be. She is only unhappy because it is so far away.

In fact, she's downright neutral about the whole thing. And that...that's good.

I'm just praying as I always have...that God's will be done, in spite of everything I do to screw it up.

*

Holocaust

Not long ago, I read PRIESTBLOCK 25487, the concentration camp memoir of Fr. Jean Bernard. Many people (especially those who say the Catholic Church didn't do anything to help the Jews in WWII) fail to realize that THOUSANDS of Catholic and other Christian clergy suffered the camps and were brutally murdered along with our MILLIONS of Jewish brethren. This book details this reality, through the eyes of one who survived...barely.

I am reproducing here a section from PRIESTBLOCK, because tonight, I watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. This passage may reveal the juxtaposition provided first by an unrelated book...and the movie about friendship in the tyranny of brutality.

Once the door upstairs creaks.

Like a flash I have the axe in my hand and am splitting wood. But nobody comes. I can't see the door, since the stairs go around a corner.

Then from upstairs I hear a small child's voice: "Mister, are you there?"

I am incapable of describing the impression this voice made on me. A greeting from another world! Did such a thing still exist?

At the same time I felt horribly afraid that someone might find me talking to this child...

I still can't see to the top of the stairs and am very careful not to take even one step.

"What are you doing here?" --My tone of voice was intended to be harsh, but I didn't succeed very well.

"You won't tell my mommy, promise?"

"Go back to your mother right now! You'll get dirty down here!"

The little girl went but called back through a crack in the door: "I'll come back tomorrow!"

The next day I was just on my way upstairs with a pail of ashes when I heard a woman's shrill voice calling, "Mathilde, where are you going?"

"To talk to the nice man," the little girl answered.

My heart skipped a beat. What would happen now?

Nothing happened. The girl started down the steps and no one interfered. So the mother didn't mind!

I heaved a sigh of relief.

I never saw the child. On each visit she would push the door open and sit down on the upper steps; then a lively conversation developed between the two of us that was like a ray of light from heaven for me. I told the little girl the most wonderful stories. And thawed in the process myself. I rediscovered my faith in beauty and purity, in innocence and love.

It was all right with me that I never got a glimpse of her. Perhaps she wore long braids, even worse them coiled snail-fashion over her ears, or had some other feature of the master race. As it was I could picture her to myself as the epitome of everything amiable, a messenger from that better world in which I could hardly believe anymore.

It was this scene I had in my mind's eye as I watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. From the very beginning of the movie I was horrified at this very average family first in denial about what was really happening, and then having to face what was really going on in the "farm" next to their house. The prisoner who peeled potatoes, as it turned out, was really a doctor, and in his short conversation with Bruno, I saw the scene from Priestblock.

I saw a human being being treated as an animal, and yet, when the child of the enemy State was in need, he ran to his side and cared for him as though he was his own son. The very normal conversation between an innocent 8 year old and this kind man was a delight, and the film captured the glimmer of hope from him as he looked up, slightly smiling at Bruno's quip. It was a scene parallel to Fr. Bernard's recounting of the little girl who came to converse with him as he worked in the Officer's house.

I held my breath when Bruno's mother arrived and sent the child away. It was as though she wasn't sure how to act. I pleaded with her to say something, to recognize what had happened, and thus the very humanity of the man who had looked out for her son even though it wasn't his "job" to do so. There was an extended moment, wondering whether she would berate the man, get her husband or another soldier, or simply ignore him. As she softly said, "Thank you", I was flooded with relief and gratitude, and hope. I was reminded that there were those who knew what was happening, and disagreed with it, working on their own to figure out how to hide their allegiance to morality from the State that wanted to dictate and enforce an agenda so contrary to natural law and the dignity of humanity.

As the movie progressed, the full horror of what was happening behind the walls surfaced, and even Bruno was given a glimpse. The propaganda being fed to the two children (Bruno and his sister) was absolutely demonic, and yet, one could see Bruno resisting what he was being fed, even as his sister gave herself to it completely.

I'm not going to say anything further about this movie. The ending is shocking, as it should be, for no one should walk away from it without having to face the reality of what happened in Hitler's camps.

In college we read Elie Wiesel's Night for one of our courses, and I'd long ago read The Diary of Ann Frank. Books on this topic abound, from the driest court documents to the most gruesome memoirs. As well they should. And there are still stories and testimonies we will never hear, for who can speak for the experience of the dead?

This is something we should NEVER forget. This very week, a crazed idiot entered the Holocaust Museum and opened fire. As I understand it, he didn't believe the Holocaust ever happened.

How anyone could be in such denial of a well-documented and systematic slaughter of thousands upon thousands of innocent human beings is beyond me.

And yet, we still live in such times. We still live in the age of denial, where people witness or are a part of the violation of civil rights, and anyone who speaks up is condemned. Genocide still happens, around the world. I've written before of the pogroms in India that began last August, wiping out the Christian population in several states. Where I live, there are many Somalian refugees, having fled their own extinction to seek a new home where they could perhaps survive.

Tonight, in watching this movie, I prayed for all those souls who were lost in the camps, and I wondered...how long before the anti-Christian climate in the United States slips that far?

There are some who will read this and ridicule me. The average German and Polish citizen who recognized what was happening were ridiculed, too...just before they were hauled off to the camps to be slaughtered along with the people they sought to defend.

The Fuhrer and his minions tolerated no dissent.

The reality is that the Holocaust happened, and it will happen again because human nature never seems to learn. When the face of the Fuhrer changes, people stick their heads in the sand so as to avoid ever denouncing the actions of their idol. That's why it's SO IMPORTANT to understand and recognize what happened at the hands of the Nazis and the blind acquiescence of the average people who refused to speak up. We must recognize those who risked their lives to speak up...and often lost them. We must recognize the ongoing ability of man to brutally redefine what "humanity" means, in order that his own selfish and demonic agenda be pushed and made to be "acceptable" or at least rendered morally "neutral."

Everyone should read these books and see this movie. And never, ever, forget.
*

Get Thee to a Nunnery!

Actually, that's a poor title. When Hamlet said that to Ophelia, he wasn't complimenting her. In fact, he'd gone mad, and in the process drove her mad by breaking her heart.

Shakespeare must have been a fan of Flannery O'Connor, too.

Things are progressing on the Vocation front. I finally heard back from the Vocation Director at the community I hope to visit, and she confirmed the dates suggested to me would be good ones. I'm currently looking at the week of July 5th or the following, July 12th, and doing airfare research. Even for the tail end of the holiday weekend the fares are looking very good so I hope I can lock in at a good price!

I emailed the dates to our local Vocations Office, as I had been requested to do (as I had requested assistance from them), and also to my Pastor, also per his request. I heard back from the V.O. and they asked me to either put the ticket on my credit card or see if someone I knew would do so on my behalf. I responded that I could place it on mine.

Thank God that for now, my credit is still good!

The Family

Realizing that it seems that truly, truly this trip is going to happen, I need to start planning now. It doesn't matter that I'm overwhelmed with a massive project at work that has me so stressed out I can barely see straight. I'm trying to look through the disaster of the moment in order to avoid a disaster in the next!

I don't actually own a set of luggage. Whenever I've gone on various trips, I used duffel bags or borrowed luggage not being used by friends or relatives. In fact, when I spent a semester in Mexico, my Mom had purchased some luggage at a garage sale. We didn't realize until about 3 days before I left that it had a broken zipper and no way was it going to be repaired in time! Thus began my life of airtravel using borrowed containers. That trip utilized my cousin's army duffel bag. (Customs in Mexico City wasn't fooled...I didn't look militant in the least! But they searched me anyway.)

Last year when I went to Ohio, I used my brother's luggage, so today I called him again. After all, he DOES know about my discernment...at least to a degree. He'd been really nonchalant about it, which is typical of him, so it's hard to know what he's thinking. So here's how our conversation went this evening:

Me: "Can I borrow your luggage again?"

Bro: "Sure. Where are you going?"

Me: "Connecticut. In July."

Bro: "Oh really? What's out there?" (casual interest)

Me: (pause, dropping voice a little): "Oh, just some Sisters I'm gonig to visit. The Archdiocese and my parish are helping me with the flight." (keepin' it casual....)

Him: Oh, really? Why?

Me: Because I'm considering entering that community and I have to visit to find out if it's a life I want to live, and whether it's where I'm supposed to be.

Him: Oh....REALLY!!!???? Oh!!! (pause). Okay....... (some questions followed.)

I asked him, as I had before, not to tell Mom, and said that, considering I was going, that I will have to tell her sometime soon. She, like everyone else, knows I'll pretty much be out of work for the summer and a flight out East to a state in which, as far as I know, we have no relations or any earthly reason to visit, well...that would prompt questions. I can't lie to my Mom. I can hedge a bit, but I can't lie to her.

So she's going to find out, finally. I'm just waiting for the rest of the family to find out...she will NOT be able to keep this to herself, even if she tries. It'll come out, somehow. But I can't go to them for help because of bridges I burned with them in the past (as Mom just LOVES to tell me) in my years of stupidity. Actually, I'm still living those years and can't seem to get out of them.

But there's hope. There's always hope.

I can't even tell you how hard my discernment has been, and in all liklihood, will continue to be. This, truly, is the beginning. Not the end. It helped, in learning from a Sister last Friday that she experienced the same kind of Hell, and I know of someone else who had similar difficulties and, I'm guessing, is STILL suffering to follow Our Lord towards the Vocation for which she was created.

But all will be well. Somehow. I'm glad to finally have something to look forward to, even as it seems so scary. So different. I'll be removed from everything that I know and everyone that I know (as I won't be likely to actually see the Sisters I know while on my visit), and there, confront the questions I've been asking since 2004 in a very real way. Finally.

God's timing is always perfect.

I wonder if my discernment retreat with the Sisters will be anything like Luke Skywalker's trek through the jungle with Yoda on his back? After all, I'll be flying into a state that borders water, and I'll be moving through clods of Sisters in habits and trying not to knock over statues in the convent hallways and gardens....

I think I need a Luke/Yoda holy card with a prayer for discernment on back. Would that be sacriligious?

The fact is that real vocational discernment is an extremely grating experience.

And if it weren't for my friends (like the one who sent me the nun pic in a birthday card), there's no way I would even have gotten THIS far!

CAN I SHAMELESSLY BEG NOW?

I've been told by a very good priest that honest begging is good for humility. It's one thing to "bleg" for books or for help for a living creature (like my dog, a few years ago), but I find it hard to "bleg" or beg for myself, even if I do have legitimate needs. I've been so independent for so long that I don't really know how, anymore, to truly lean on others. But God has brought me to a wall, and to my knees. Dignity has nothing to do with it...or perhaps...everything. Truly, our dignity lies in knowing to whom we are drawn...and indebited. And choosing Him no matter what "wisdom" the world dictates in our direction.

1. As I've written many times, people in discernment need very hands-on practical assistance. Discernment isn't ultimately about money. Fundraisers are great, but they aren't everything, and in fact, all the money in the world means nothing if prayer isn't involved. If God isn't a part of the process, then it is doomed to failure. So, first and foremost, I ask for prayers, not just for me, but for ALL who are discerning their vocations. The agony is a hidden agony, and perhaps one day I'll collect the stories of the agony and the ecstasy of discernment, write/publish a book, and make a lot of money for the Serra Club. But for now, it's a bit too close and too personal and I realize that if it weren't for prayers, I'd have been lost long ago. Thanks to all those who have prayed and have continued praying for me, and for all those in your life who are trying to follow God's will, step after bloody step. Even with all the gore, there truly is joy in growing closer to Him.

2. If I am to go on this trip, I need assistance with my dog. I have one friend who might be able to stay with her, but if she is busy, it would be fine if my dog went to stay with someone else for the week or so that I'm gone. She is an indoor dog (as I live in a townhome) and is an escape artist who cannot be kenneled without either getting out or risking her life to do so. I know a few people who may be able to assist but if they aren't available, I need options. This isn't a request for money to put her in a kennel...I learned long ago she doesn't eat in captivity. So...prayers for a solution here!

3. I will need a ride to the airport, and a ride home when I arrive. Last year when I went I used Super Shuttle, by far the cheapest way to go to and from the airport, but it still cost me about $70.00 round trip. Tomorrow when I see my SD I'll bring this up to him in case someone on the Vocations Committee is willing to do that or knows someone who is.

4. I need someone to pay my mortgage ($950.00) for a couple months.... No? OK. :-) Sorry, I was on a roll!

5. In all seriousness, as I posted the other day, some wonderful friends surprised me by putting together a little vocation fund for me. None of these people have met me in person, and perhaps that's what amazes me the most. They don't live in my diocese, they know me only from my blog and social networking sites. They don't think I'm a Saint, and in fact, they KNOW I am not! And perhaps that's why I'm so surprised and so touched. Because they went to this trouble and because it reveals to me how much people really DO want to help, I am posting the webpage again, and with great thanks to all. http://www.blogger.com/www.frleo.com/adoro

All I can say to everyone is thank you! I can't promise anything. I can't deliver results. God can. I don't know if I am called to religious life or if your support will be in vain. I don't know what is going to happen to me. The only thing I know is that I'm ready for the next thing, I have the time, and I look forward to the adventure. It's time. Finally.

And this is really only the first real step.

God be praised!

From Vespers:

Ant. If you hunger for holiness, God will satisfy your longing, good measure, and flowing over.

Sacred Heart of Jesus...I trust in thee!

Immaculate Heart of Mary...pray for us!

Growth in Darkness

I stepped into the darkness of night to take the dog out and my eyes lit upon the white buds in a nearby bush. It seems they appeared after the sun went down tonight, as they weren't there before.

It occurred to me, then, how much growth takes place at night, while we sleep. God so ordered the world so that all of creation is open to receiving the light, but at night, in deprivation, the real growth occurrs.

How often we complain about suffering. How often we lament a deprivation of consolations, wanting to "feel" God close to us, or wanting to "feel like" praying or going to Mass. How often, if we don't "feel like it" we skip our devotions and obligations.

Yet, just as God ordered nature around us, He ordered us. He wants us to be open and receptive in our joy, but part of that state of reception is recognizing that the darkness will come, and it will be a time to remain hidden, holding in what we know, and waiting for the sun to rise again.

We can't grow in the spiritual life unlesss the darkness comes. We can't know true holiness if all we have known is joy and sunshine. We must know deprivation, we must experience it, and we must shudder within it, for only in this can we truly understand the fullness of God. Only in the privation of light do we ever have the chance to reflect back what we have absorbed.

Sacred Mysteries

Today somone on Twitter raised a question arising from today's Divine Office reading, taken from Origen's homily on Joshua. She thought he was talking about salvation being limited to a certain few, wheras he is actually speaking in the context of the Sacraments, ie "Sacred Mysteries."

I'm going to quote a larger passage, not a "twitterable" one, so as to give better context which will aid in our understanding. (Words in bold were the passage being questioned.)

From Origen's Homily on Joshua:

"You have recently abandoned the darkness of idolatry, and you now desire to come and hear the divine law. This is your departure fro mEgypt. When you became a catechumen and began to obey the laws of the Church, you passed through the Red Sea; now at the various stops in the desert, you give time every day to hear the law of God and to see the face of Moses unveiled by the glory of God. But once you come to the baptismal font and, in the presence of the priests and deacons, are initiated into those sacred and august mysteries which only those know who should, then, through the ministry of the priests, you will cross the Jordan and enter the promised land. There Moses will hand you over to Jesus, and he himself will be your guide on your new journey."

There is actually a great deal of theology in this passage, and a great deal of history being alluded to which was relevant to Origin's audience. Thus I'd like to first point out that the overall context of the homily seems to indicate that those hearing it were converts from Judaism. In it, Origin is referring to their history, familiarity with Moses, the Red Sea, the Ark of the Covenant, etc. (I did not quote the entire reading for today). Had he been speaking to gentile converts, he would have had to explain these things as opposed to bringing them into the present and into the Christian understanding.

Now, as far as the text that the individual questioned, it seems clear to me that Origin is discussing the Sacraments. He refers to "initiation", and we refer to Baptism, Confirmation, and Holy Communion as the "sacraments of initiation". At that time, I believe catechumens received all three Sacraments at the same time.

If you read the passage again, it discusses the presence of priests and deacons, and specifically, that they are admitted to these mysteries through the ministry of the priests. This indicates the reception of Sacraments, as well as presence at the Paschal Mystery (e.g. the Mass)

What many do not understand is that Mass was not always so accessable to people. Recall that in the Early Church, Christians were greatly persecuted. All week in the Divine Office we've been reading about St. Ignatius; he was paraded to Rome in captivity to face his martyrdom, and in the process wrote something like 15 letters to those in his care. When he reached Rome, he was fed to the lions, and many other Christians, people like you and I, (from children to the elderly) also stood up and identified themselves publicly as Christians, and were ALSO sent to the lions.

It doesn't surprise me, then, that this reading follows, for the persecution of our ancestors was not the lame and cowardly persecutions we face today (at least, in America). Wheras we risk and suffer ridicule and maybe political "attack" in our countries, for them it was a crime to be Christian, and to publicly admit the affiliation was an automatic death sentence. A very torturous death, done for the entertainment of the pagan masses.

So it was that, in the Early Church, Mass was a secret meeting. The priests consecrated the bread and wine into the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ. They spoke of eating His flesh and drinking His blood, and yes, they did this quite seriously. St. Ignatius of Antioch, St. Clement of Rome, St. Irenaeus, St. Justin Martyr, St. Cyril, among others, all spoke of this Mystery (which today we call the Paschal Mystery).

There, deep in history, the rumor mill was just as active as it is today, even without benefit of the internet. The pagans, and others, sincerely believed the Christians were cannibals, and that they were meeting in secret in order to do their grisly and immoral deeds. Christians were hated and feared.

It was for this reason (among others) that St. Justin Martyr wrote Apologia, in an attempt to defend the Church, respond to the attacks, and put the rumors to rest.

At that time in history, strangers were not admitted to Mass. Catechumens (the non-baptized being instructed in the Christian faith, a term still used today) were barred from attendance until, for approximately three years, they had completed their instruction, had truly converted, and were ready to be admitted to the Mysteries. (To be specific, they were admitted to the Liturgy of the Word, ie the penitential rite, collect, Gloria, scripture readings, and the Homily, and were dismissed after this.)

St. Justin Martyr, in his 1st Apology, wrote about this practice:

No one may share the Eucharist with us unless he believes that what we teach is true, unless he is washed in the regenerating waters of baptism for the remission of his sins, and unless he lives in accordance with the principles given us by Christ.

We do not consume the eucharistic bread and wine as if it were ordinary food and drink, for we have been taught that as Jesus Christ our Savior became a man of flesh and blood by the power of the Word of God, so also the food that our flesh and blood assimilates for its nourishment becomes the flesh and blood of the incarnate Jesus by the power of his own words contained in the prayer of thanksgiving.

He explains here why others were not admitted to these mysteries, raising the demand of a conversion of life, of intent, of proving their ability to live "in accordance with the principles given us by Christ."

Those who became Christians then, through the Sacraments of initiation, knew what they were getting into. They were willing to die for it, and they were everyday witnesses to exactly what kind of death awaited them.

They were not willing to die for a lie, for a "mystery" that turned out to have been written by an early Dan Brown hack. When they were finally, at long last, admitted to the Church and initiated into those Mysteries, they knew what they were receiving, the importance of it, the sacredness, and the reality that this was going to cost them. They had to first die to themselves in order to risk dying for the Faith of Jesus Christ.

Salvation

Now, there was also the question of salvation, and I won't go into detail on this, but I can focus on some very simple beliefs.

We believe that baptism is NECESSARY for Salvation, and that no one enters heaven but through Jesus Christ. His suffering and death was for the remission of sin, paid the ransom owed, rendering Divine Justice through His perfect act of Mercy. But we must be baptized, the stain of original sin erased, and through this Sacrament, we enter the Church.

As Catholics, we recognize that Confirmation and Holy Communion complete our initiation into the Church, each Sunday we profess our Faith, and continue to live the sacramental life of the Church, even if it means that we receive the Sacrament of Confession daily if necessary! Even we who have been initiated are not admitted freely to the Sacrament of Holy Communion if we are in a state of mortal sin!

So, yes, Origin is ALSO speaking of salvation in this homily, but by no means is giving a discourse on that (no more than I am in this post!). His main point is the necessity and importance of the sacramental life, instruction in the relevence (and revelation!) of these mysteries for those upon whom the chrism oil still drips from their foreheads.

Today

Anyone can attend Mass today, no matter what their faith, and no matter how much they reject our beliefs. All are admitted. Yet, they cannot participate in the sacred mysteries that are the Sacraments; if they have not been instructed or reject those beliefs, they cannot be admitted for they are not in union with the Church.

I would argue that the early preparation given to the catechumens of that age probably better served to reveal the importance of the sacraments and the holiness of the Mass, far more so than the current (and typical) RCIA models do. Do I think we should make a return to what they had to do in the first centuries? Perhaps not; what was proper then might not be proper now, although I suspect that in places like India, the Sudan, and Saudia Arabia, this probably IS a more likely practice than that which we have here in America.

Persecution and suffering tends to impress upon those affected the holiness and grace of God far more than we butter-fed prosperous countries can muster on even our worst of days.

Something for us all to consider as we enter into perhaps the only season of "persecution" many of us have ever known.

Disclaimer:

I'm not overly familiar with early Church history as it applies to the Mass and Sacraments, so tried to keep my comments general. It's entirely possible that I erred in some of my statements, and so this post should not be taken as gospel fact. I would encourage anyone reading this to read formal documentation of this history, and definitely click on the link to St. Justin Martyr's 1st Apology.

Further, it's not intended to be a complete discourse on St. Justin Martyr or any of the other listed Saints, only a general explanation. I am not an expert in anything.

Another great resource is Rod Bennett's Four Witnesses; the Early Church in Her Own Words , available from Ignatius Press. I've read this book and cannot recommend it highly enough, especially for those who are unfamiliar with the Church Fathers and life in the Early Church.

The Importance of Authenticity and Truth

Several years ago it was my great privilege to take an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) class at a tech college, something I'd long wanted to do. To my great delight, I loved the class, and at a particular point, we were arranged into groups in order to practice doing patient assessments.

We were in the last third of the course, gaining confidance, and I'd become very good friends with one of my classmates, Heidi. We often studied together, drilled each other as we prepared for our next class, wanting to do well. She and I both were considering advancing to the next level, maybe even to enter paramedic training, and realized we had to have a good foundation in order to do so. It's a competetive field, and while our instructor, himself an active paramedic, was supportive of this, he made no bones about the challenges.

I took this very seriously, as did other students in the class. So to my great surprise, one day when we were practicing random scenarios, one of my partners began giving signs and symptoms that...well...let's just say he was pulling them out of a place where the sun don't shine.

I was trying to do the assessment, and told him outright that the stuff he was putting together made no sense whatsoever. In fact, at that stage, we KNEW what the injuries were, and the practices were to help us put the pieces together, INCLUDING signs/symptoms. He was caught, and said, "It's just practice. It doesn't really matter, especially if you know it anyway."

Well, you know me, and I was fiery even back then! While our instructor was working with the group next to us, he happened to perk up when he heard my group's conversation as I explained to Mr. Confusion the necessity of practicing properly. I explained to him that if we practiced using signs/symptoms that didn't match the injury, we'd associate the wrong things, and in the end, we'd end up killing our patient. Why? Because we wouldn't be in the field with the proper, matching things enforced in our memories, but stuff that was all over the board. Wrong practice leads to dead patients. Period.

I think this "conversation" was one of my early "rants", and even I was surprised at the stream of passionate discourse that came from my lips! (No worries, no profanity, just...um...I emphasized the importance of the details!)

As I said, I took this VERY seriously. Our instructor didn't actually get involved in the conversation, just nodded, told Mr. Confusion to work on those things he was lacking in, and that our goal was...keeping patients alive.

(Actually...our instructor seemed a bit amused by my diatribe. *sigh* Then again, he was used to me, my causing trouble in class...and had no problem slamming me when I did something stupid or weird. Great teacher!)

As usual, I'm sure that you are asking, "Why. Is. This. Relevant?"

GREAT question! Thanks for asking!

The other day, I wrote about the necessity of knowing what comes into our souls, and in how it is imprinted upon us whether we like it or not. Yes, I was talking, at least initially, about the popular book, "The Shack."

Now, people can read whatever they like. In no way am I saying that they cannot. There are legitimate reasons to read things of very questionable and detrimental theological value and I leave that to the (hopefully) well formed conscience of the person making that decision.

If you don't have a well-formed conscience, though, or you know someone who hasn't received any formation, well, then it might be better to stick to something containing authentic truth.

Why? Let's go back to my example: if, in EMT class, our professor had taught us that a person with hypovolemic shock (ie shock from massive blood loss) would have a bounding pulse and flushed face, well, then if we encountered a person in such a condition, they'd bleed out on us because we'd have learned the wrong things! And what if YOU were the person who was injured? You'd know some of your symptoms, maybe, and would begin to treat...and in the meantime, you'd die, thinking, "Oh, I have a weak thready pulse, I must not be bleeding very much....."

(Don't worry...we'd send flowers to your family and offer them our condolences....and our regrets that you hadn't been better trained!)

Theologically, then, if you don't know a lot, and sincerely want to learn, and someone hands you a book full of errors, well, you're going to go on internalizing those errors. You're going to pass them on, and in the end, not only will your "patient" be spiritually dead...but so will you. And you'll propagate that error more quickly than Ebola or Swine Flu.

Look at it this way: if someone comes to you and says they are hungry and in need of a feast, would you go find a dumpster outside of McDonald's, brush the ants off an old burger wrapper and give someone a moldy bun with a rancid smear of condiments but no meat? Sure, maybe SOME of it would be ok, but the rest would be poisonous.

Then why would anyone EVER recommend to someone ASKING for conversion or an introduction to God something that doesn't actually reveal who He Is? Why hand someone a rancid piece of social commentary as opposed to something that will truly feed and sustain them?

In doing such a thing, not only do you kill your patient, but you might be killing yourself.

Truth is important. It's eternal. What we do here on earth has eternal consequences, and eternal rewards. Sure, we can enjoy a work of fiction, but we tend to pay attention to the fact that what we read as teens or adults might not be proper for a child. Why isn't this lens in place for those who maybe have some spiritual maturity and who have the ability to deflect heresy? Why would a spiritually mature person with solid theology give the equivalent of smut to a person new to the Christian life? Sure, the women in the mags might be beautiful, but do they portray true beauty or just make the voyeur bring them down to the lowest possible level, and warp their own intellect/memory/will in the process?

Oh, yes, I went there.

I can read a book like Vincent Bugliosi's Helter Skelter without a qualm, and might even have a legal discourse on the topic, as well as a moral discourse. But I wouldn't recommend it or the material to an 10-year-old.

There IS such a thing as spiritual maturity, and that does not necessarily go along the same timeline as physical maturity.

We really need to consider our personal recommendations to our friends, loved ones, and acquaintences. If our recommendations contain error, then what fruit can come of that? If we recommend heresy to our brother, then how will we have the right to be surprised when he never comes to understand the Truth? Whose fault is it?

Ours.

If we have the Truth, why would we share anything less? Why would we recommend anything less? If we endorse something that doesn't hold up to scrutiny, then perhaps we need a checkup on our own faith. If we are apologizing for God, then maybe we need to take a step back and be silent before we have a chance to deny Him.

The next time you recommend a book to a soul seeking God...make sure you're not going to be held responsible for the damage done to that soul. Make sure....because you will suffer even more for it.

Makes you glad for the grace of Confession, doesn't it? ;-)

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Prayerful Solitude

A few days ago, Fr. Charles wrote a post about sitting in the dark in a church praying vespers, and quoted a passage from Thomas Merton.

I've been turning this over in my mind for the last few days, for, I, too, have have some profound moments alone with God in darkened churches.

I've written before of my work in college, locking up in the wee hours, and entering the little campus chapel. That chapel was so warm and inviting (especially on those frigid winter nights!) that I always wanted to pause, and just...be. I wasn't practicing my faith at the time, but recognize, in hindsight, the consolations of grace in those moments, drawing me into the presence of Christ, right there in the silent intimacy of the chapel.

As an adult, those moments have not ceased, and I have had to flee even the Adoration chapel and head for the Church to pass time with Christ hidden in the tabernacle. It didn't matter to me that the Blessed Sacrament was not exposed, for He is still just as present, just as available...just as loving. There, away from the eyes of others, there have been times where I literally would sit at His feet, somtimes lying face -down in prayer, something I can't seem to do when there are other people around. There is freedom in solitude.

Even now, at work, I often go into the church instead of the Adoration Chapel, choosing to pray the Divine Office there, alone, rather than in the company of others. The darkness seems to, in a way, foster prayer and aid me in focusing on the words, the intentions, and the reality of the participation of the entire Church as I quietly utter the psalms.

You may want to go to Father's post and read what he has to say...he and Thomas Merton express it better than I ever could.

A Grateful Bleg

I woke up to an amazing surprise this morning, and not long after I learned of the surprise, it also came to my combox in my post, Almost.

Fr. Leo McDowell commented, "Need a plane ticket? Perhaps we can help -- http://www.frleo.org/adoro/ This was set up by some friends at Plurk."

I guess I should take the hint, then and post it on my blog! I know some of my longstanding blog (and real-life friends, people I've actually met!) have told me to set up an account, but I have to admit it felt weird to me. Now that this has been done, completely without my knowledge, and to my complete and utter surprise, well...I should maybe cooperate with those who sincerely want to help!

In fact, I'm so grateful that I was actually speechless this morning. Those of you who know me...that says a lot, doesn't it?

So, thank you to my dear friends from Plurk who have set up this account, and thank you to any of you who are willing and able to help me! Please remember, though, that my biggest need is always prayer, and there's never a time I don't need prayer! Know that you are in my prayers as well.

Almost

A friend asked me tonight if my family reads my blog.

No, they don't.

He asked if they know about it? Well...my brother knows I have one, but he doesn't know what it is. Nor do my co-workers.

My family doesn't even know I'm discerning religious life.

I almost told my Mom last night, but pulled the comment at the last moment and said something inane instead. Nothing is certain. I don't have a plane ticket in hand to take me out east. It's still possible this won't happen. And besides...it's only for a week. It's a visit. It might mean nothing.

The other day, I almost wrote to my uncle in Hawaii, because he is active in the Serra Club in his diocese. I considered sending an email to my Godfather.

I called my cousin, my Confirmation Sponsor, to wish her happy birthday, and am glad I didn't reach her, for in that moment of weakness I might have told her this news, for it is her words that continue to echo in my memory.

What scares me most is that I almost told Mom, but thought better of it, preferring to keep this to myself for now.

My family doen't need to know...and I'm not sure they'd take me seriously, anyway.

And then my Mom made a comment that took me by surprise. She'd been to my cousin's graduation, and apparently was sharing news about my brother and I, as parents tend to do. She said that some of our relatives are "proud" of me!

I nearly fell out of my chair. WHY?! I'm about to declare bankruptcy and maybe even lose my house for want of a livable wage!

They're amazed I put myself through college (still haven't paid my undergrad loans), and that I'm putting myself through grad school. They never thought it could happen.

But I still can't tell them. All I can think about is my aunt's words from a few years ago: "We don't tell people what you're doing because we never know how long it will last."

I know that when (assuming it happens) I fly out to Conneticut in July, I'll have to 'fess up to my Mom and tell her why I'm going. I toyed with the idea of saying I'm just going on retreat, but she knows my financial situation and would have questions as to 1. how I got a plane ticket, and 2. why I find it necessary to go that far away for "a retreat".

So I'll have to tell her. And the second I do...everyone else will know about it. You see, my family is like a small town. Who needs the internet when there is a large unweildy family full of siblings that stop fighting only long enough to bond over odd news about the black sheep that descended from them?

I only hope that when I blab the news, I manage to keep my blog out of the mix. I really do need to reserve this part of my "hidden life". Only God knows what they would say about it. I've written of things on here that would kill my Mom if she knew.

If my family learned about this, I'd stop writing. I wouldn't be able to speak freely.

Yet there's a part of me that wants to spout off about this stuff. I've never been one who can lie. I can't hide important details. Eventually, everything comes out.

Yesterday, it almost did. It was a close call.

But I'm not ready for them to know. Especially because even I don't know and all I really want is the freedom to find out. In peace.

Conduit to our Souls

There is a book going around, written by someone exploring his faith, struggling, and trying to come to terms with it. It is a work of exploratory fiction, and, as a writer, I've done the same thing in trying to understand God.

Many people, even those who are Catholic Sisters (none I know personally nor whose theology would be considered to be faithful) hold this work up to be something wonderful. Never mind the Trinitarian heresies that abound. Are the heresies intentional? No. But they are there, and many people who are also seeking God read such works and attribute wisdom to the author that the author himself does not claim or possess.

I have not read the book, will not name it, but am glad the author is so deeply seeking God.

What disappoints me, though, is that those who should know better give this book credence where none is deserved. It is being upheld as something all Christians should read, even though it does nothing to edify the foundational beliefs of Christianity.

What are we allowing to enter our souls?

When I first began my graduate studies, I had a professor who addressed the problem of how information comes into us. He pointed out that what we read becomes a part of us in some way. It feeds our souls, for better or for worse, for we are both body and soul. We are constantly bombarded by images and words, everywhere we go. If you are reading this now, you are being bombarded by my own thoughts, my own opinions, and perhaps the teachings of the Church.

Are you willing to continue reading? Are you willing to take that risk? What if what I write is eternally damaging to you?

We all must ask those questions, throughout the day. When we examine our consciences, we must consider those things that have crossed our path; have we willingly taken them in? Have we practiced custody of the eyes?

"Custody of the eyes" does not just apply to things having to do with chastity, but other areas of our lives as well.

I can give an example from my own life.

Horror

For years, I read horror stories, and there are a few I still enjoy, although I know I should not. Yet I no longer want to watch horror movies, and the last horror fiction I read has left such an imprint that even today, at Mass, I was so sickened I nearly had to leave.

Some of what I read or saw (ie Faces of Death movies) was for the deliberate attempt to desensitize myself to violence; stuff I knew I might see in the career to which I aspired. It's been a long time, though, since I've been out of that career and even now, not much bothers me.

But months ago, maybe a year ago, I read a book by John Saul. I remember enjoying a great number of his books, most of which did not involve gore of any type, but suggestion, suspense, and terror. Yet this particular book involved Catholicism (a very, very warped version of it), and blended something diobolically awful with the Sacraments. I was so sickened by this and the images from that book that I actually threw the book away, something I almost NEVER do.

Every so often, the image from that book comes to mind (as it does now, even as I write this), and did this morning during Mass. I wish I had never read the book. I wish I didn't even know about it. But now...I can't erase the images. I can't undo the imprint upon my memory and upon my soul.

Ask St. Augustine about this very problem, maybe in book 10 of Confessions.

The reality is that what we take in is imprinted upon us in some way.

My professor, then, asked a very good rhetorical question, one for all of us to ask ourselves: What, exactly, are we allowing into our souls?

I let that book into my soul, and now I can't get rid of it.

It begs the question: why would I SEEK something that I KNOW to be damaging? Why would I go out of my way, for some frivolous reason, to read something I know to contain heresy?

Perhaps it is necessary if I am an apologist and it is my job to protect others who might be weak from such damage. Perhaps, if I were a Bishop, I would read it in order to clearly denounce it and with examples and proper teaching.

It is not that I fear for myself, for if I read the book I cited in the beginning of this post, I know my own faith is strong enough. However, I DO fear for those who are seeking, who have not been properly formed in their own faith, those who don't know who God is and have fallen into the gnosticism of modern feminism. I've been greatly saddened by such as these, and was even led astray by them for a time.

So I say to all of you out there...before you read a book or watch a movie that might be damaging, consider the reality of its imprintation upon your soul. It is said that "the eyes are the windows to the soul." Before you recommend such a book to another...are you willing to be responsible before God for the damage done to that soul?

What are YOU allowing into your own soul?

I ask you again: What are you allowing into your soul?

WHAT are you allowing into your soul!?????????

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*** Related post: Ascent from the Descent

Busy Neighbor

Yesterday morning while walking my dog, I discovered a new neighbor had taken up residence under one of the trees in the boulevard near the soccar field. I was quite startled by him, you see, for he was still at work digging his house, although it seemed he was even more startled to see me and dove for cover.

Must be a shy sort.

We went on our way, then, musing about the nature of this new neighbor who had already dug a couple of holes. If I had horses, I would be concerned about those holes, but, alas, this is a city and not a farm. So we let him be.

This morning we saw him again, this time on the other side of the sidewalk; he must be building a network of underground tunnels so that maybe he can get through the crowd and get a better view of the games that border his property. He didn't seem to notice us at first, so busy was he digging, casting the dirt up behind him into an enormous pile. I was amazed by his industriousness.

I have to say, though, that I disapprove of such hard work on a Sunday. He must not be Catholic. Or perhaps it's necessary for his survival, in which case I can understand his hurry.

But I only said, "Good morning, Moe." and we went on our way.

I've decided to name the neighborhood mole "Moe", you see. I don't think he recognized his name because he paid us no mind and just huddled in his little hole, shaking.

I hope Tom, the neighborhood cat doesn't get him.

The world is a violent place, isn't it?

Prayer and Mystery

The Convent really isn't so mysterious as you might think, although it is a place shrouded in prayer and lit up with joy.

A year ago, I was invited by the Sisters to come visit them and pray Vespers with them in their convent near an inner-city parish. It was a wonderful evening, my first exposure to the Liturgy of the Hours, and a step in discernment towards religious life.

At the time, I wasn't seriously discerning, but rather, just recognizing I had to take a step and that prayer and dinner was maybe a small thing, but something I needed to do.

The Sisters and I have stayed in contact, and the Vocation Director of the community also has been in contact with me throughout the last year. I've had many invitations to head East to visit them, but haven't had the funds. Plane tickets aren't on the budget for parish employees. In fact...most of our own personal bills aren't in the budget. (Ask anyone who works for the Church...)

The Mysterious Convent

A year ago, I wasn't allowed into the locked area of the convent, but could only go as far as the parlor. These Sisters are in a very large building which, I'm guessing in the past housed a great many sisters.

The convent is next to a beautiful German Baroque church, adjoins the original parish school, and is home to a few offices and two religious communities. One community is housed on the first floor, while the Sisters I visited are on the second. Both communities share the convent chapel and divide their prayer times as their communities have different traditions and different prayers/devotions specific to their communities and charisms, although both pray the same version of the Liturgy of the Hours.

As I understand it, although the Sisters used to be obliged to go to the church for Mass each day, now, at least a few times per week, there is a priest available to come to the convent chapel to offer Mass for the Sisters, and, I imagine, anyone else who would care to attend as the chapel is in a public area.

I arrived around 4:40 pm, having been told Vespers would begin at 5 with the rosary and I should arrive any time after 4:30. I rang the bell and was surprised when a lay man answered the door with a quick, "Yes, can I help you?"

The last time I was there a Sister from the first floor had answered the door! I realized quickly as he admitted me that he was a parish employee just finishing his work for the day.

It was wonderful to greet the Sisters in their home again and take my own Breviary and rosary to the chapel in preparation for Vespers.

The chapel has several pews, and each Sister (4 of them in that convent) has an assigned spot with a little basket containing her breviary and some other prayer books. Last year when I was there, the Sister told me to disregard many of the times she was standing or sitting, and so it was necessary to be cued when it was my turn to rise, kneel, or be seated.

These Sisters, like others, carry a large rosary which is not used to pray during Vespers, although they do grasp it or its crucifix at various other times. Like me, they had regular rosaries, but began the rosary, after the Creed, with an invocation of the Trinity on each of the 3 Hail Mary beads. (Which reminded me a year ago, as it did last night, of my Trinitarian friend!)

There was some confusion, on my part, during the LOH, as one Sister and I had set up our books to pray the Common of Martyrs. As it turned out, we prayed the regular Evening Prayer of the day, and not the psalms we'd anticipated. Apparently this is set by the Superior (of the options of the day), but the Sister next to me helped me find my place with this switch. I did still have a marker there, but, having been lost for a few moments, needed my place to be pointed out to me!

I must remember to ask them more about how they decide which of the LOH options they pray on Feast Days.

After Vespers, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the Sisters maintain silence outside of meals and recreation, which means they speak only when charity demands. Dinner is usually served immediately at 6 pm. As Vespers ended at 5:30, the Sister responsible for dinner headed to the kitchen to finish, another Sister reposed the Blessed Sacrament, candles, etc., and when a bell rang, we rose to go to the kitchen. The Superior remained to pray until 6, and it's entirely likely she didn' t hear the bell, so it was rung again at 6 for her, more loudly.

I waited, with the Sisters, around the little table in the convent, this time admitted past the locked door. It had been decided that we would eat in the recreation room while watching a movie; Padre Pio, Man of Mystery. The Sisters know my connection to Padre Pio and have one themselves, and of course...love the movie!

We loaded our plates and walked down the hallway, past several cells, many used for storage or designated for a particular purpose, indicated by the signs on the doors.

The recreation room was down a hallway to the left, and contained a television and table, and might well have been a little informal dining room at any house found anywhere.

We were joined by another young woman while I was there; she had to work later and so came bringing her own dinner, and like me, had a devotion to Padre Pio and had never seen the movie.

This particular movie has two parts, so when the first ended, we opted to clear the table and wash dishes, etc., and found ourselves treated to ice cream and other random things the Sisters had on hand for special occasions. Not long after we began the second part of the movie, Sister Superior asked us to pause and pray. She wanted to go to bed, so we stood and prayed part of their traditional prayers (not Compline), she thanked the other woman and I for coming, gave the Sisters permission to finish the movie with us, and headed off.

The movie completed just as the bells began to strike the 10:00 hour at the church, so we thought at first the bells were part of the movie! We each picked up what we could hold and returned to the kitchen (refrectory in convent parlance) and assisted in cleaning up. Two of the Sisters walked us to our cars, and as it was, stood talking in the parking lot, which is EXACTLY what we did a year ago, too!

It was a cool windy night, and even though I had to impatiently push my hair out of my eyes, the Sisters didn't seem to mind that their veils blew around or that their scapulars turn into sails, fluttering in the night wind.

A Year Ago

One of the Sisters seemed to be in a fairly intense conversation with the other woman who was there last night, so I didn't want to disturb them as I tried to leave. She saw I was leaving, though, and wanted to say goodbye. Which, of course, led into another conversation. We recounted the evening we met, November 2007, which is about a year and a half ago.

That evening she was the one who had asked me, "Are you discerning?"

Her question had stopped me in my tracks. The cracked door was pushed open just enough to give a hint of light. I took a deep breath and said, honestly, "I don't know."

We'd stayed in touch, here and there, but I didn't visit them until maybe the following March, 2008. I did want to visit again, but it never worked out. They are not around in the summer when I wasn't in school.

But God's timing is always perfect.

Sister told me last night that, when we'd first met, she knew that there was no way I was ready for religious life. She said that in the time she's known me, there's been a change, and she DOES believe I'm a lot more open now, a lot more prepared for whatever He has to offer. She also told me more of her own story and how hellish was her own discernment. She said it was the most difficult period of her life, but God has used that, over and over again.

I can't even tell you how good it was to hear that she's been through the same torment as I, and maybe even worse.

As of now, I am hoping and praying to visit these Sisters in July. I have received word that the Archdiocesan Office of Vocations will assist as will, likely, my own parish, and there are a few friends who might also assist, also through my parish...but that is for another post.

*

I know there are those who wonder about more of the interior of the convent. Any college student would recognize it; it's much like any average dorm room, but with individual rooms called "cells". The floors are tiled, there are pictures of Saints, Our Lord, Our Lady, and statues, and in fact, there is a large statue of Our Lady at the end of the convent hallway.

I wish, for the romantic among us, that I could paint a mystery of gothic proportions, but I can't. It's a wonderful, peaceful life, no doubt one that has the same problems any of us find in our own lives.

One of the Sisters told me last night that it is a hard life, but acknowledged that each Vocation has its challenges, and they can be overcome.

It was wonderful to spend the evening with these dear, dear Sisters, in their friendly and prayerful company, knowing that, hopefully this summer, I will come to see yet another part of their lives and share in that as well.

Please keep all religious in your prayers, for you are always in theirs.

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Grades!

(Picture: Pope Benedict XVI holding my Ecclesiology paper and giving a lecture based on my research on the discipline and importance on celibacy in the Priesthood. It'll be incorporated into an Encyclical sometime in the next year.)

Last night I got home late and so had to wait until the sprinklers were off before I could approach my mailbox. Once I did, I saw an envelope from Ave Maria University, and wondered if it was walking papers or grades. Somewhere between the box and my door, I realized that if I was in academic trouble, I'd be getting a call from the director, not a pathetic letter. Thus...it had to be grades.

I was afraid to open them. Although I knew my grade for New Testament (B+), I hadn't yet heard back on my Ecclesiology paper or my Canon Law final.

I also knew that I could not go to sleep unless I opened the envelope. Therin I found the good news!

Canon Law..... A- !

Ecclesiology.... A !

YAY! Although after the next year I still won't likely graduate with a cum laude, well, I can't complain about my current GPA! A's and B's get degrees!

Yes, I'm a geek.

Guess with that A- though, that a career in Canon Law is out of the question....

I wonder if someone will hire me as an Ecclesiologist?

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Bishop Sentenced to JAIL for Cathedral Bells!

This is completely OUTRAGEOUS!

A Bishop (not Catholic) in Phoenix, AZ, has been sentenced to jail time for an alleged noise ordinance.

PHOENIX — A Phoenix bishop received a suspended sentence of 10 days in jail and three years probation Wednesday for violating a Phoenix noise ordinance because his church rang its bells hourly as a way of praising God. The ordinance does not include an exemption for religious worship, though it does provide an exemption for ice cream trucks. Bishop Rick Painter of Cathedral of Christ the King has retained attorneys with the Alliance Defense Fund to pursue legal options to defend his rights.

Read the entire article for more information. And don't think it can't happen wherever you are. The reality is that it's just going to get worse, y'all. It's just going to get worse.
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Distractions in Prayer

Fr. Charles has a great post this morning on distractions in prayer, which I find to be quite timely. (I only regret that I didn't see this BEFORE I left for Mass this morning!)

It's not always so bad. Many times I can go to Mass and remain more or less focused on what's going on. But this morning? Nope! One moment I'm listening to the reading of Tobit, the next moment I'm musing about the reader who apparently thought this was supposed to be a very dramatic reading, complete with big smiles akin to those you might find at a speech competition. (Having been in that venue, I recognize the signs. Distracting!) Next I was chastizing myself for snarky thoughts and thinking about the Confession I'd be making after Mass. Then back to the reading. Then the Psalm, mind wandered there, too. Then off to the races just before the Eucharistic prayers, thinking about everything I have to do in the next two weeks at work, and who I need to call this afternoon when I get to the office.

I kept trying to redirect myself, but was immediately sucked into contemplation of things that had NOTHING to do with the Mass!

Perhaps, had I read the wise advice from Fr. Charles, I would have been better able to focus and remain in the present. Here is an excerpt from his post:

First of all, if we are distracted at the time of prayer, it may be because we are distracted in our life in general. Mindfulness is critical in the spiritual life. Age quod agis, as the saying goes: "Do what you are doing," and not something else.

There can be no hope for prayer if we spend the rest of our day in a state of distraction, with the attention of heart and mind thrown about by every little thing that presents itself to them. A life of prayer demands that we begin to practice "watchfulness of thoughts" and "guard of the heart." We must work with our thoughts, inclinations, and affections throughout the day, practicing the letting go and breathing out of those that are useless, vain, or sinful. If we do not at least begin to discipline our interior attention and affect throughout our whole day, we cannot hope to just turn off the chaos during the time we have set apart for prayer.

It just gets better from there. Go read the entire post!

And, if you're NOT already following Fr. Charles...why not?
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Corporate Sponsorship for Vocations?

I am a HUGE fan of skiing. I miss racing, and I still have my t-shirts covered with the logos of the various sponsors of the racing programs. Each year, there are certain downhill races shown on TV, and as the camera focuses on the racer in the starting house, the racer's name and sponsors flash onto the screen:

Racer Xyzowski

Boots: Nordica

Skis: Fischer RX8

Poles: Goode Carbonate

Bindings: Atomic

That sure is a whole lotta corporate sponsorship! All those companies are supporting THAT RACER, and of course, the tradeoff is that the individual racer, especially if they do well, will make money for those sponsors. They might not outright hawk the wares, but ski enthusiasts want to know what their favorite heroes are using, and of course, they'll head right to that company hoping to get the same kinds of results. If nothing else, they want to know they're skiing every Saturday afternoon on the same stuff Hillary Lindh, Darron Rahlves, Bode Miller, or Lindsey Vonn are using when they win their World Cups and Olympic Medals.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH VOCATIONS??

Well, I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly because I'm in a huge bind. I have this really unique opportunity to both visit a community or two AND go bankrupt and lose my house...all at the same time!

During the summer, as it is with many people who work for the Church, our hours are cut, and my department is down to 10 hours per week. That would come out to being 60 hours in six weeks. Which, if you do the math, isn't a lot of money, especially when we don't get paid a living wage to begin with.

Everyone around me is losing their jobs, being laid off, etc. etc., so really, why should I be any different? Losing my house wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It sure won't help me enter a community if I (and the community) discern that's where I'm supposed to be, but, hey...God's will be done.

So here I sit, with this wonderful "problem" of time on my hands. I could conceiveably be gone for a month and only have to use forty hours of vacation time! I realized I had a choice: not pay my bills while sitting at home, or not pay my bills while visiting a community! In any case, the job situation isn't looking good, and so I've decided to cast my lot with God and focus on discernment first (ie seeking the Kingdom) and if that doesn't work out, then I'll look more seriously at the lack of other options again.

So while stressing about all of this, my eyes lit upon my skis in the corner, and I thought to myself, so I thought, "Corporate Sponsorship!"

What if people in discernment had corporate sponsors?

No, I'm not talking about the organizations that help people pay off their debt, such as the Laboure Society. Those wonderful apostolates are for people who KNOW they are called to at least enter their communities. There's whole heck of a lot of a bunch of us floating around who really only want the opportunity to take the next step to find out if God is really calling us. But we've already got the vow of poverty down pat and therefore haven't the means to move from the spots where our lives have cemented us to the ground.

This calls for an ACME Jackhammer. Is ACME available? Or maybe Spishak?

Do they do sponsorship?

What would corporate sponsorship look like?

Would a person in discernment be required to wear some kind of jacket, or habit with the logos of their sponsors printed on it with "I'm Discerning the Priesthood!" Or "I'm Discerning Religious Life!" printed underneath?

Would there be competetions? Maybe cake walks?

"Dominican-leaning discerner in chute 1 sponsored by ACME is pitted against Franciscan-leaning discerner in chute 2, sponsored by Spishak! And they're off! Oh! WAIT! We have interference from Benedictine-leaning discerner who hasn't eaten all day and has stolen the cake from Discerner 1!!! This is unprecedented!

The judges will make a ruling!

(pause)

As it turns out, the cameras show that the Dominican saw the Benedictine coming and gave him the cake, and he has testified the Benedictine looked hungry! Point to the Dominican for charity!

Wait! We have a tie! The Franciscan discerner gave his cake to an onlooker who had been insulting him and did that BEFORE the Benedictine interference! Point goes to the Franciscans! Sponsored by Spishak!"

And the next thing you know, there would be more competetions, and only the best would be accepted, and they'd have to give up their cake all the time and never get to take any home. Each community would have cake walks and BINGO to pick the right candidates, and that might warp into a habit-donning contest, while the candidates are wearing really large unweildy oven mitts and trying to get dressed in spite of that obstacle. And all the while they'd have to wear their corporate logos.

Parish festivals would turn into Vocation Circuses.

Oh, and if that discerner actually "won" their entrance into a community, well, then they'd have to be filmed on YouTube praying for the success of their sponsors and asking God to send them customers. (Hmmm....well, sounds like a pretty good tradeoff, actually), but that could be abused and the poor postulant could be completely exploited by unethical sponsors.

God forbid the poor postulant (at that point) decide to leave the monastery or discern they have a different charism! They'd have to go out and find different sponsors that would support Dominicans more than Franciscans, or Benedictines instead of Jesuits! Their own original sponsors would be completely scandalized, and might even lose business! The Discerners would be dropped like hot potatoes and maybe would be taken to court to pay back the cost of the plane ticket covered by the sponsors who sent them a few states away to discern their particular community!

A black market might form among sponsors, and bookies would start taking bets about this or that discerner, anything from how long they would last, whether they'd get airsick on the flight from the midwest to LA, whether they were Carmelite or Passionist, cloistered or active, liberal or conservative...and it would degenerate from there. They'd start creating illegal underground races, and the winners would be getting paid off by the losers, generating more Vocations funds for the Vocation Mafia...uh...I mean...Corporate Sponsors.

Hmmm....on second thought, I don't think corporate sponsorship would really be the way to go. Seems like a risky venture.

Begging:

Instead of creating all that havoc, I guess I'll go with the tried and true and holy practice of begging. Not begging without need, but only WITH need.

I started this week. Because a Sister suggested it to me, I wrote to the Vocations office, begging nicely. They responded, and they said that they will assist me, and told me to also inquire at my own parish. So I inquired, and received a response today from my own Pastor. He's looking into it.

At this point, it looks like a plane ticket might emerge from these begs...uh..professional inquiries. Ok...yeah...I was begging. Let's call it what it is. Because it is begging. When you so Po' you can't afford the "or", well, you're begging.

I still don't know how any bills are going to be paid this summer, and would love it if someone emerged to pay my mortgage and association fee.

For now, I'll worry about the plane ticket and the seemingly impending trip for serious discernment of a community with whom I've been in contact for about a year and a half now. It's time to go. I want to go. And I'd also like to visit a cloistered monastic community this summer if that step seems warranted (both by them and by me). But does GOD will it?

That's always the question. And everything, even to the last penny, flows from that question.

Jesus, I trust in thee.

Corporate Sponsors...not so much.

*

Hypocrisy in Prayer

Earlier today, when praying the Office of Readings, I was growing very, very discouraged. I absolutely love praying the Liturgy of the Hours, but there is one psalm which, every time I pray it or similar ones, I cringe.

Psalm 18

He rewarded me because I was just,

repaid me, for my hands were clean,

for I have kept the way of the Lord

and have not fallen away from my God.

For his judgments are all before me;

I have never neglected his commands.

I have always been upright before him;

I have kept myself from guilt.

He repaid me because I was just

and my hands were clean in his eyes.

Uh...right. Every time I pray that psalm, I apologize. I pray the words because they are there, but I know the words are empty shells. They mean nothing. I'm a hypocrite, for I have never lived up to that psalm. I don't think I've ONCE prayed it without the following dialogue:

He rewarded me because I was just, (When have I been just?)

repaid me, for my hands were clean, (My hands are filthy!)

for I have kept the way of the Lord (No, I haven't)

and have not fallen away from my God. (Yes, I have)

For his judgments are all before me; (He holds up a powerful mirror)

I have never neglected his commands. (I've neglected all of them)

I have always been upright before him; (Am I supposed to pray this with a straight face?)

I have kept myself from guilt. (Uh...no. I haven't. Guiltier than Judas, here.)

He repaid me because I was just (Again...when have I been just?)

and my hands were clean in his eyes. (my hands are rarely clean)

*

You get the picture.

I don't honestly know how to pray those kinds of psalms. They seem arrogant to me, for really...who, in the history of the world (barring our Blessed Mother) has EVER been able to truly claim those words? We can claim to have TRIED, but...who doesn't fail, over and over again?

So it was that I spent some time on that psalm today, turning it over in my mind. The psalms are very human, and maybe sometimes we pray what we wish we could say, even when we know we haven't lived up to our end of the bargain. I know that when I am faced with my own hypocrisy, I cringe, and perhaps that's intended to force us to honestly examine our consciences.

One of my pitfalls, I've learned, is that I become easily discouraged, never seeming to make any spiritual progress, and so I become a bit...well...gloomy. This afternoon as I prayed, I nearly broke down in tears and had to remember that contrition is a good thing, recognizing our failures is a good thing...and that Jesus hung on a cross because I can't get my life together. He can, though, and He doesn't want us to focus on what we've done wrong, but rather, rejoice in His Mercy. As a priest once told me, "Don't give the devil a back door!"

My problem is that's exactly what I do: I give the devil a back door, through which he enters to discourage me and focus on the lost ground. And every time I do that, I take my eyes from Christ, forget His love, doubt in his Love, and...I quit praying.

Yup. one of the signs that I need to go to Confession is that I quit praying, or find it nearly impossible. I find I can barely address God at all, and isn't that what the devil wants? Doesn't he want to make us believe we can't go to Our Father in Heaven? Doesn't he want us to doubt in his mercy?

I've also at times considered NOT going to Confession if I'm dealing with a habitual sin that seems to be rooted deeply. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm just not sorrowful enough, or maybe not at all, and so I shouldn't go to Confession. I begin to resign myself to attending Mass without going to Communion until I can have the proper attitude towards my sin and confess it fully and sincerely and with whatever I might finally judge is the proper amount of contrition.

You see, of course, the problem in that thought process, don't you?

And there, the words of another priest come back to me, and save me from myself. One day in discussing teens and confession, specifically, he brought up the necessity of their being able to confess anonymously. He noted that when he hears their confessions behind the screen versus face to face, the serious sins are more likely to be confessed (and not tiptoed around) when they know he can't see them. And he observed, "When they stop confessing those sins...then we've lost them."

That's not just true of teens. It's true of adults, too. Because if we stop confessing our sins...then we've forfeited ourselves to the enemy. It is better to go to Confession, and maybe confess our imperfect or lack of contrition, than not to go at all. We need grace, and if we are truly struggling with sorrow for sin, avoiding the Sacrament will not help us find that sorrow.

So I will go to Confession, praying for perfect contrition, real sorrow for my sin, lest I be one of those who are lost.

I'll pray the psalms that make me cringe, and thank God that I CAN cringe, for it means that even if my conscience has been damaged, it's still working somehow, and God's grace is present in my life, drawing me to Him.

So, yes, I'm a hypocrite when I pray that I've toed the line and have remained upright in God's eyes. He and I both know that I can make no such claim. What God does is sets the bar, gives us a goal to reach. Do we reach it on the first try? Never. It takes time, we need reminders, and we don't pray those psalms in order to destroy hope, but rather, to better know ourselves in relation to God, and in recognition of our sinfulness, realize what we must do if we truly seek to become holy.

I have a very, very long ways to go.

*

In Hoc Signo Vinces

So...the big "O" has wrecked a perfectly good month by declaring it to be "LBGT Pride" or whatever the order of the letters month. Whatever. Seriously, is anyone really surprised?

The last time I checked, though Pride went before a fall. Batten down the hatches...when this culture falls, it's going to have a ripple effect throughout the world and throughout history.

Of course, for we Catholics, who are actually not part of the world, but just passing through it for a time, this really means nothing to us. This month, we celebrate the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and next month, July, we'll celebrate the Precious Blood of Christ. It doesn't matter that our country is being run by a marxist who has no morals. He isn't the first in history, nor will he be the last. It doesn't matter that these groups who are trying to force everyone to accept their brand of immorality in order to "normalize" it are intolerant fascists doing everything they can to silence anyone who disagrees with them.

Our eyes are on Christ. Our eyes are on the Cross. Our suffering is united with His. Our hopes are in the Resurrection.

It doesn't matter how many knives are stabbed into our backs by the "tolerant" folks.

We aren't defined by this culture, and we needn't be disturbed by the "pride" going on all around us.

Rather, we need to take care that we do not become prideful, and fall just as hard.

The reality is that a fall is coming; when there's that much pride and arrogance going on, you know that the pressure can only get so high before the bubble bursts.

In the words of St. Terese of Avila... " let nothing disturb you."

Focus on God alone. When you are overwhelmed by the political and immoral climate that rages, remember that it is going to rage even more against those who refuse to participate in it. But don't let it disrupt your own calm. Keep your interior gaze on Our Lord, go to Confession often, go to Mass often, pray unceasingly.

The Month of June belongs to the Sacred Heart. Consecrate yourself, consecrate your family, consecrate everything and everyone you can. Pray Divine Mercies for those who rage against you.

We know how this battle ends. We must be willing to suffer the Cross in order to pass through it.

Just because a politician dedicates a month to some stupid thing doesn't mean we need to recognize it. It DOES mean we need to pray for those who do. That's our role.

I find Evening Prayer tonight to be especially meaningful to us:

Psalm 20

May the Lord answer in time of trial;

may the name Jacob's God protect you.

May we ring out our joy at your victory

and rejoice in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your prayers.

I am sure now that the Lord

will give victory to his anointed,

will reply from his holy heaven

with the mighty victory of his hand.

Some trust in chariots or horses,

but we in the name of the Lord.

They will collapse and fall,

but we shall hold and stand firm.

Give victory to the king, O Lord

give answer on the day we call.

Psalm-prayer

Lord, you accepted the perfect sacrifice of your Son upon the cross. Hear us during times of trouble and protect us by the power of his name, that we who share his struggle on earth may merit a share in his victory.

Ant. God has crowned his Christ with victory.

Ant. 2 We celebrate your mighty works with songs of praise, O Lord.

Keep your eyes on Our Lord, take refuge under the shadow of His wings, and know that in your trust Jesus will hold you within His Most Sacred Heart.

Sacred Heart of Jesus....have mercy on us.

Sacred Heart of Jesus....have mercy on us.

Sacred Heart of Jesus....be our salvation!

Immaculate Heart of Mary... pray for us!

In Hoc Signo Vinces, my friends. In Hoc Signo Vinces!