Now I understand.....

I had a rough week this week, for more reasons than one. Work, worry about a certain thing, and then compounded by another issue, something brand new.

I had to go to the doctor this week, nothing major, just a routine visit. Well, she found what might be a "lump" or a "mass", and so an ultrasound was ordered. She was going to order a mammogram as well, but decided that since I haven't hit 35 (few more years), and since it didn't truly seem warranted, we'd stick to the ultrasound and go from there.

OK, fine. I know a ton of women, and some men, who have experienced something similar. It's not a big deal...just a diagnostic test. I know it's not a big deal, the doctor said it's not a big deal, but of course they have to be careful.

I left the clinic this week not too concerned. I wasn't happy with having to return, but that was fine. I'm an educated woman and I know that this is being done for my own good and there is cause to do so. I drove home, not worried...or so I thought.

And then later, I spoke about it to a friend and nearly burst into tears as I asked for prayers.

Guess what? As much as I had told myself that it was no big deal, it "didn't matter" and was "probably nothing", deep down I had the same worry that everyone else had when they got the news. That it was the worst. That it could be cancer...and then what? The fear of the unknown...the fear of suffering...the realization that life is all too short and we have no control over what can happen to us day in and day out.

I was distracted at work today, wondering what the ultrasound would show. Would something be found? What if it was cancer? What if?

In speaking with a co-worker (pray for her, please, she is really searching and was raised Catholic...she may be close to coming home), I expressed to her that I'm doing what other women I've known have done. I'm worrying.

And not just worrying. As much as I know about this subject and the need not to worry, I still internally find that I have to steel myself...because if I expect the worst and get that news somewhere down the road, then at least I've mentally prepared. It's survival instinct. It's coming to terms with it before it's even known.

And I knew my internal freaking out was useless but somehow, I was helpless to stop it. So I just went about my distracted day, drove to the clinic, and went to the Breast Cancer clinic I was referred to. (Part of the big clinic I go to).

As expected, it turned out to be nothing. The tech told me to follow up with my doctor in a couple months to have it re-checked but both she and the radiologist agree it looks like nothing.

But thousands of cancer survivors can tell you that that "nothing" turned out to be "something" at some point...and thus, none of us are immune. I have a friend who recently went through a full mastectomy. She is doing well and is even pregnant again, but clearly, she has suffered greatly. I could not forget her face when she told me the news and asked for prayers.

For now, for me, the crisis has passsed yet I'm going to be keeping this in the back of my mind. I believe it is inherently in the nature of women to understand we must suffer, and it is best to come to terms with that early on. It is our strength, even though it is very much related and part of our foundational weakness as human beings.

What amazes me so much is that time and time again, this being no exception, I see that it is God who finds us in our weakness and makes us strong, turns our failures, our sufferings into great strengths, even if we don't recognize them or need them at the time.

I would like to ask that you keep me in your prayers...it is perhaps not necessary, but I've never been one to gamble successfully. I cannot stress enough that it seems all is well, but I think today I got a reminder of my mortality...and the great compassion of the Lord, who does not let us, nor want us, to bear our infirmities alone.

And I thank the good Lord, that today, I got a verdict of "normal" from an otherwise abnormal week.

God bless and keep you all.