At first I thought of how alone He is in so many of the tabernacles throughout the world, and in those parishes that have Perpetual Adoration, the fact that so many don't realize they can be with Him as fully even when He is hidden.
I guess that is my little secret..the one Jesus and I share together.
When I really need to be alone with Him, I don't go to the Adoration chapel, but to the tabernacle in all its solitude, knowing that even though I am in that particular place, I am with Him at EVERY tabernacle.
This solitude..this solitude of Christ...and my own solitude, has made me contemplate the loneliness of Christ in His life. How his Apostles did not understand Him, and yet, He had so much patience for their absolute density. We honor the Apostles now, but let's face it, y'all...none of them were the brightest bulbs on the tree.
When it comes down to it, every dang one of the Apostles was fatally flawed, lacking in intelligence of most kinds and followed Our Lord simply because He called and they were attuned enough to Him (through no merit of their own) to recognize and respond to that Call.
Read the scriptures...read how Jesus had to enlightened these men unto His lessons, for even though they recognized His Call, they still couldn't figure out what He was saying to them. With ultimate patience, He explained so much, leaving the rest to mystery; to the Holy Spirit to fill in the rest, all so that we would grow in faith because none of us is smarter than the Apostles.
I'm no different.
I don't know what He is asking of me.
I thought I had it figured out...at least, the earthly goal.
As it turns out, I still have no idea what He wants. I thought He was calling me to religious life (and we all know how long it took me to actually ACCEPT that idea) but ever since I've made that "decision", my mountain of debt has continued to grow, I am no closer to entrance than I ever was, and a Sister of one of the communities I once considered has told me she now believes I don't have a Vocation to religious life at all.
She may be right. I think she probably is correct.
Tonight Mom called and told me the rest of the Family (believe me, I'm from the equivalent of the 12 Tribes of Israel, aka the bona fide Holy Catholic Mob) is asking her when I'm going to "go into the Convent."
She keeps telling them I'll go when I pay my debt. They ask how much. She tells them she doesn't know. Before tonight I wouldn't tell her because, well...she can't keep her mouth shut when it comes to her brothers and sisters.
But tonight, I told her the stakes and the fact that in 20 days, my grad loan company will be reporting to the Credit Bureau. Because I can't pay.
I told her how much I owe in student loans alone. I only alluded to the credit cards that have been used over the last 3 years of Church employment - books for grad school, repairs on the car (like the partial rebuild on the engine), bills not covered by my employment over the last 3 summers (I didn't mention Christmas and Birthday gifts, all modest things, but all unaffordable through my paycheck.)
Yeah...it's life.
My situation sucks, and I'm to the point where I'm willing to give up on religious life; so far I've given up on everything other than survival.
I can't any more look to the future; all I have is the present, and almost every night I wake up in a near-panic, wondering how I'm going to handle all of this overwhelming debt. Never mind the repairs on the house, the stuff that is breaking down, the stuff I simply don't have the funds to fix and which will cost the next homeowner thousands to repair.
There is nowhere to go. There is no one who can help, for there is no purpose for helping. I won't even pretend that any help is to advance me to religious life; to say so would be disingenuous.
If This Cup Would Pass From Me...
Jesus, in His solitude in the Garden, prayed to the Father that this cup would pass from him, and in His prayer, he surrendered his Holy Will to that of the Father, unified, that "Thy Will be done." And so it was.
Sometimes I simply feel crushed by the burden of my life, all the unanswered questions, listening to the ticking hands of the clock, certain I am wasting my life. Wasting it because I cannot move on. Frustrated by others who keep telling me if I really wanted to go, I would just go. Frustrated because those who say such things have never carried the burdens I carry now and from which I cannot simply flee.
Our Lord does not want us to flee our responsibilities.
I don't know what He is asking of me, although it is clear He demands I pass, in apparent solitude, through this cross.
Perhaps that religious Sister is right; perhaps Our Lord does not really want me as His Bride. I know He has not and will not call me to Marriage. And so...I am left in this terrible solitude...a solitude I never wanted, yet here it is.
Thy Will be done.
Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the wall's closing in
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Try and burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there's something just missing inside
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say
How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Oh Lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time tickin' on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say
~ Brandi Carlile
7 comments:
I don't know if this will help, but it I thought it wouldn't hurt to mention it. This may not fix a lot of the other things going on in your life (heaven knows we've all had those moments of panic about money and so forth at 2am) but it may give at least some small relief to the solitude you're feeling.
I've recently started praying the Divine Office (which you can get as a free app to put on a blog or you can find it here; http://www.ibreviary.com/m/breviario.php) and, although it takes a fair bit of discipline to say all the different hours it is very rewarding. For instance I hit a bit of a low point for one reason and another back in November and I found myself feeling very lost and alone. One thing that helped me through that (not overnight, took a while) was praying the Office of Readings, Lauds and so on because I knew that when I prayed I wasn't simply alone in my room but I was praying with the Church, with millions of people all over the world. It gave me a great sense of being part of the Body of Christ, it showed me how my prayers can help and support others but also that it is a two way process. That when I struggle, when I falter there are so many other people praying for me and with me (even though they don't know it).
Like I said I don't know if that helps or if I've expressed what I'm trying to get across properly, but we can but try. :-)
Katerine ~ Thanks for your comment. I've actually been praying the Liturgy of the Hours (4 volume set) for about 3 years or so now. Most of the spiritual insights I receive, both those written and not written ;-) come from that!
It is very helpful, but God is not always so forthcoming with His Will...He makes us suffer for it because then, in the end, knowing it makes it worth more.
Wow. This is a very powerful and honest blog. Thank you.
Hi there, I am sorry you are in a dark place now. I really think you need some practical help with your debt situation before you can discern your vocation. It is very demoralizing to struggle daily with a mountain of debt. Please don't let this (or angry creditors) define you. You are not a bad person, but you do have to start making a realistic plan to address this. Once you are on that path, it will become clearer what to do with respect to your vocation. Look for free online resources: dealing with debt, living cheaply, additional part-time work. Budget for necessities first (shelter, food, car) and reduce everywhere you can. Think of this as embracing a vow of poverty. Your prayer life is not lacking, however we all must strive to help ourselves too. I have been praying fervently for God's help with a certain problem, but I freeze with anxiety at the steps I must take to do my part. We must both trust Jesus and not be afraid to face the problem head on. I think I'll go work on my problem now... ;-)
with prayers, Kate
Kate ~ Angry creditors aren't after me and no one has called me a "bad person". I'm not a bad person. I'm a person who is not being paid enough, simple as that. In fact, I'm in a much better place than a lot of people right now and I haven't lost sight of that fact.
Please don't assume that I haven't been doing all you stated...for years now. Literally. Ever since I jumped ship almost 4 years ago, leaving a well-paying job to pursue my Master's degree and, as it turned out...work for the Church.
Discernment is not something that has to be done separately from financial issues; the fact is that finances, in our day and age, are an important thing to consider in discernment - just like faith and reason go together. It's also why there are agencies out there to assist with this kind of debt should I qualify for the situation they cover - which I don't yet. (I'm speaking here of the Laboure' Society and Mater Dei Ecclesie).
I am very sorry if I offended you, that was not my intent. Any specific examples were not assumed to apply to you personally, just generalities for those tackling debt. Good luck with your journey. Respectfully, Kate.
Kate ~ No, no, you didn't offend me one bit! No worries and God bless! :-)
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