Answered Prayer?

This morning I opened up the Office of Readings and immediately my eyes fell upon my favorite antiphon:  "Surrender to God and he will do everything for you."

Recalling my decision from yesterday to do just that I chucked a little. As much as I love that prayer and want desperately to live up to it, I have to admit that, deep down, I don't really trust in that prayer...and therefore I don't really trust God.  I walk up to him with the weight of the world on my shoulders, hand it all over to Him, and as He takes it from me I keep my hands on it. I won't let go. "Just in case".  Because if I let go of it, and it gets dropped and shatters....what will happen to me?

And so I continue to hold on.

I've been, and continue to be, very very concerned about what's going to happen in the next few months. I have time I don't want to waste, but in all honesty, although I am still discerning, I am a bit more focused about what exactly I want to discern, even if only to rule it out definitively. I don't have any intention to "community shop", but I still have to guard against the temptation to do so in the name of "not wasting time."

I have been praying a great deal about what I am being called to do, not just with my life in general, but with my upcoming summer.

Today, I may have received an answer.

In a meeting with my supervisor, she closed the door and told me she had a proposal for me to think about. During the summer I am down to 10 hours per week; that's the contract, and it's brutal.  However, she had gone to our Business Administrator, recognizing that there is a need in the summer for SOMEONE to have more hours, because the youth minister is running ragged with everything she is doing with very little support.

So, the proposal is this:  instead of only 10 hours per week for 6 weeks, they can offer me 25 hours per week, in the interest of assisting the youth minister with her summer events and all the prep that goes into them, and also to further developing the programs we have going on during the school year.

My supervisor knows I'm discerning, and said that they could perhaps structure the hours in a particular way that will allow me the time off I need while still meeting their summer goals.

25 hours won't be enough to save me from bankruptcy, but it might stave it off a little, and, who knows?  Perhaps I'll find a way to make a little money through freelance writing or some other thing.

I told her I would pray about it, but I have only until Friday to make a decision.  I am seriously considering this offer and will probably answer in the affirmative. Often God's will is right in front of us, and perhaps there's more but we have to take Him up on one part before He reveals the rest of His plan.  This may be one of those cases.

Other Plans....

In looking ahead at life without school, I am considering many possibilities in ways to spend my time. I can work on my book, finally, and maybe finish it, then get it to publication.  A friend of mine started to take up writing icons, something I've wanted to do for a few years now, and if I can amass the money for the lessons, I may seek to study under the same person my friend went to.  Or maybe just take an art class, finally, and begin to develop the few skills I have to see if they go any further than a few cheap charcoal drawings.

I have a stack of books I've been wanting to read, and finally, I'll have time to do so! I'll have more time to spend with my dog, and maybe I'll foster another one. God knows the need!

So, although I admit I am facing the near future with a great deal of trepidation, I am looking forward in the light of hope, of knowing there IS  future, and that alone is a gift.

Although vocational discernment is at  the forefront, never far from my thoughts, never apart from my prayers, I am still called to live the life I have been given, and within that, recognize the incredible glory of God in even the simplest of desires.

I really hope, though, that in all of this, both the simple and the profound, I might finally find real trust in God, and finally, when it's time, take whatever leap He is asking me to take, knowing He will never let me fall.

Dear God, give me the grace to trust you.
Amen.