Grateful

This afternoon I had a meeting with my spiritual director, and I'll admit, I wasn't looking forward to the meeting. I wasn't sure how I was going to approach what I had to say, or how he would react, what he would say, etc.

While still at home, I mused that I had looked and prayed so hard for an SD, finally found one...and didn't want to go. I also knew that I would never cancel such an appointment, because sometimes the most difficult things can be the most rewarding.

I spent some time in the adoration chapel beforehand, praying. I realized that a few things were converging today: As the first of May, it is the month of Mary. It is the Feast of St. Joseph the Worker, and as a First Friday, it is a day dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Even further, my meeting was at 3 pm, the Hour of Mercy. Having long known our Blessed Mother, having long had St. Joseph as a special patron, having forever had the Sacred Heart of Jesus as a primary devotion in my life...well, let's just say I could not ignore the fact that God is and remains present in my life and orchestrated both the day and the time of this meeting.

So I prayed, not just for me, but for my SD, for us, for our meeting, and for trust in God.

My friends, God is good. God is faithful. God is loyal.

Our meeting went well, and as always, I find Father to be very easy to talk to. He is understanding, sympathetic, and objective. And in the course of our meeting, he managed to point out two major issues I need to deal with: control and trust.

They seem so opposed to each other, yet, each has a balance.

I'm not a "controlling" person per se, as I tend to actually let a lot of things go. But that doesn't mean I trust. In fact, I have a very difficult time trusting God and trusting others. I have a hard time letting God take over, and I know WHY this is, but the knowing doesn't help me give God the reins.

It comes down to such simplicity; finding trust in God such that I can let Him take control.  

As my SD pointed out, what's going on right now is learning that trust.  God is doing something major in my life. 

I won't give a rehash of our conversation, but I will say this:  I feel like my life is falling apart. I can watch the threads that hold it all together fading, fraying, and separating.  I'm terrified. I know I'm going to lose everything, and not on my timing and in my way.  I'm still trying to be in control, tie knots to hold things together that maybe NEED to fall to pieces, for they are not useful anymore.  

I told Father of my crisis of last weekend, of wanting to give up, of being so tired.  I also explained that I realize I've lost my focus on God, and need to spend more time with Him, letting HIM decide where I should go and when. 

There is no doubt in my mind that the Holy Spirit guided our conversation, for he used phrases and words that have been in my mind all week.  And he refuses to give up on me. 

There are many in my life who have given up on me, and maybe they were right to do so. But Father won't.  I realize this is part of learning to trust in God, and to let God work as He desires.  

Perhaps it's appropriate that I found, as a spiritual director, one of Christ's own chosen sons;  for I must learn to trust God in conjunction with one who represents Him very directly.  And just as it is the Holy Spirit who acts to bring Christ to His people through the hands of the priests, so it is, in spiritual direction, that the Holy Spirit will bring the voice of My Lord into the depths of my soul through one vowed to serve in His place. 

The mercy of God is endless. 

I hope my depth of gratitude will rise as a font to meet the pefect depths of mercy of Jesus so that there I may be drowned in true life and real sacrificial love as I continue to seek to give myself, without reserve, to Our Lord for eternity.