It hit me last night that I'm running around looking for something that simply isn't there for me. There is no call. I've been foolishly looking at my summer months of unemployment, looking for a job that will both allow me to pay my bills and maybe go visit a community. On whose dime, I don't know.
And I'm tired. I've done everything I can, I've been in contact with specific communities, I've tried to visit...nothing works out. And I certainly can't just leave the state when I haven't the gas money to even cross the border between Minnesota and Wisconsin!
I was so excited to hear from the Passionists, but since then...nothing. Someone I know who discerned them said they were quick on responses. Apparently not for me.
I have a theory: there are an awful lot of permanently-single people out there. Perhaps we were called to marriage, but the one God intended for us was aborted.
The fact is that each soul that comes into being does so, called from eternity, to fulfill a certain mission within a certain vocation. Unfortunately, through the widespread slaughter of innocents that has taken place in America alone since 1973, clearly those of us who have survived are left facing a void. There's someone that's supposed to be in our lives...but isn't.
Do you know one of the reasons divorce is so high? People are getting married to those never intended for them. They're seeking the consolation prize, and it's not working out for any of them.
And maybe that's it. Maybe that's what God has been trying to get through to me. Maybe His original intention was for me to get married, but then Margaret Sanger came along and advocated his foul, bloody murder.
Maybe my original sense was the true one; that I am called to be single. I'm not interested in a "consolation prize". Maybe it's my role to remain in isolation at the foot of the Cross, perpetually single, without a vocation. Because that's a special kind of suffering, something to be offered in reparation for all the lives taken through abortion. Tears to be shed for those so traumatized they can't cry on their own, but instead rage against the truth for fear they'll finally understand what they've done. Begging for mercy for those who refuse to ask for themselves. Praying for a world that refuses to pray.
I'm not interested in being a hermit. I looked into it. Not interested.
But for now, I'm going to stop hoping for a response that never comes, I'm going to stop trying to figure out how to visit a community when the reality is that I need to live my life as it is, not one that isn't waiting for me and doesn't seem to know I exist.
Jesus is right here. He is present in my life. I can go to Mass every day, I can go to Adoration. I don't need to don a habit and a veil and live with a bunch of other women in order to be holy. I need to stand right here at the foot of the cross and offer up the misery of the world in the only way I know how.
I'm sorry to be a disappointment to you. But I've stated over and over again that even I don't know how this ends and you shouldn't assume you do know.
Closing comments as I don't need or want advice.
