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Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I started a post earlier this evening, intending to write about the Call to contemplative life.

But I can't complete it. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

For the last couple weeks, I have been pondering this a great deal and have been looking at contemplative communities, even some I "shunned" in the past.  Where they were "uninteresting" in the past, now they have taken on a new light, and in seriously taking a look at them, I find I am also looking deep into myself:  who I am, who I have always been....and that mysterious person God may be calling me to be, if only I would have the courage to follow Him.

For now, suffice to say I have much to ponder, I am treading slowly, even in my deep, deep weariness and even deeper trepidation.  All I know is that I have to continue upon this particular path for I cannot turn away.  As tired as I am of discernment, I am even more weary of the world that holds absolutely nothing for me.

I do not know where my true happiness lies, nor do even I know the truest desires of my heart; but if I don't follow my Lord, I will never find that answer. In the end, I am not important and I am not seeking my own glory...but His.

And so I follow in His bloody footsteps, adding my blood to His own as I tread, knowing it is a very long ways to Calvary, for I am only an infant. Even infant, nothing more.  But everything. He is my past, my present, and...God willing in His Great eternity.

I want nothing more. And I have nothing more to say.
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