Real Women Wear...

So this week, I was really scandalized to read "Pants - A Manifesto", followed by "Pants Pass", although not the posts themselves, but all the insane (and some insanely hifreakinlarious) comments from extreme crazies all over the interwebs.

Seriously, why does the question of "skirts versus pants" bring out all the insane extremists from all corners?

Listen up, y'all, I have a solution to this that should put an end to this "debate" once and for all! 

Some of you may recall the post I wrote some time ago, Real Women Wear Kevlar.  (If you're unfamiliar with it, go check it out so you can get the proper background on what I'm going to say next. And yes, I will know if you only skimmed over it because your comments will be typically insane, much like what poor Simcha experienced with her tongue-in-cheek posts!).

So! Here is my solution to the pants vs skirts debate:

ARMOR! 

There are those who would argue that pants are "immodest" and one really "you have to work hard to be this creepy" suggestion was that on a woman, pants "create an arrow to her crotch".

OK, what if that has merit? Let's consider that, for after all it is the extreme!  And it is related to the claim that pants in general induce men to lust after strange women. (Never mind if he's that fickle he's the one who is strange and sick.)

On the other hand, there are those who claim skirts are immodest and another creepy suggestion was that skirts provide "easy access" and therefore, incite men to lust.

Now, we are excluding from this conversation things such as painted-on pants that are tighter than skin, and we are excluding rubber-band skirts that are shorter and tighter than underwear. I think we can ALL agree that these things are not fit to be worn in public unless covered by a burqua.

OK?  OK then.

So! Armor it is!

Ladies, for your fashion pleasure and for the safety of men who apparently feel entitled to "enjoying your beauty" such that they forget about "custody of the eyes" being a part of THEIR responsibility, let me offer you a line of clothing that will satisfy everyone on all extremes!

ARMOR!

First, we will have a cotton-lined, Kevlar-covered iron chastity belt. The covering over the iron will allow "breatheability" but we'll also be using a new, revolutionized process to create it out of ironwood with a lead core, ensuring that even the strongest of chainsaws cannot cut through it!

A special code will be programmed into it (in the most modest possible area) allowing for replacement, cleaning (only with a team of handmaids to protect privacy) and of course, upgrades and adjustment for size.

Married ladies will have a model that will allow only one person to have the code, that being her husband. He'll never have to worry that she'll cheat on him again!

PANTS! 

Now, for those ladies who prefer pants to skirts, the armor worn by the Knights of yore would work very well. The addition to be made is a longer "skirt" of metal to cover down to the knees, but designed in such a way that she won't even realize that she's wearing anything resembling a skirt!

And the good news is that there will be no need of worrying about whether the pants are too tight or if they reveal too much, because metal is opaque! And...no worries about "plumber butt" with those problems we ALL have with buying pants:  you know, if it fits in the hips it's monstrous in the waist, so if we sit down we reveal our butt-tattoos!

Bah! Those days are OVER with Pants of Armor (tm)!

These warm, comfortable Pants of Armor come in different sizes and with different types of inner padding, or, for you mothers, outer padding or spray-on coatings to ensure that your wet, sticky children don't become inextricably stuck to you on those frigid winter days. On the flipside, if that's the best way to get them to go somewhere, you can carry them around hands-free!

SKIRTS! 

Now, for you ladies who prefer skirts, the solution is, of course, the Chain Maille option! The Chain Maille is handmade, lined with Kevlar and cotton, although it comes with a hair-shirt option for the most serious and penitential.

The delicate chain work flows quite naturally but as it clinks against your chastity belt, it will remind all men anywhere in your vicinity that you are most certainly not "easy" and, in fact, given that you're wearing armor, you can easily brain the nearest overzealous suitor with simply a practiced swish of your skirt!

Still not convinced?  

Then let me advocate for you the fitness benefits of this clothing line!

You know how easy it is to gain weight in that simple, light fabric we're so used to in this day and age. Everything "stretches", allowing us to "let ourselves go".  Not armor! Not only does it squeeze everything in, making it impossible to breathe or eat if we gain too much weight, but on hot days it becomes a sauna, helping to sweat off the pounds! Besides, given that each clothing item weighs anywhere from 15 to 80 pounds each, you'll have the strength of ten Wonder-Women within a week of wearing it!

Say goodbye to those expensive and prohibitive Health Club or Spa memberships - YOU WON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE!

But WAIT!  There's MORE!

Objection:  I can't wear chain maille - I don't shave my legs!

Answer:  That's OK!  If you leave off the Kevlar leggings for only a day, you'll never have to shave your legs again! The Chain Maille acts much like a day at the spa, but without all the heat, wax and immodesty!  Simply walk or move about as your normally would, or even when sitting in your chair you'll find that the maille will be able to reach even the most difficult places!  The Chain Maille used on the inside layer of the skirt is the finest and most delicate and you won't even notice when the inside of the skirt turns into a hair-skirt! Great for wear during Lent and Ember Days and all Fridays throughout the year especially when your legs are smooth as a baby's butt!

So! There you have it!  Are you ready to make your purchase?

If so, just go to www.modestwomenweararmor.com and buy your new clothing line today! 

Ladies, whether you prefer pants or skirts, once you're clad in armor, you can be seen as "easy on the eyes" without ever been seen as "easy" ever again! 

Call 1-888-MODESTARMOR today! 

Lord Who Threw Out These 40 Days?

This post was originally published in March of 2008, and yes, it's Ash Wednesday so I figured now is as good a time as any to re-post it. Sing along and enjoy!

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I wasn't going to do this, especially because it's Holy Week and we should all be solemn and sad and preparing our hearts for the Passion of Christ. And I won't in a thousand years suggest that you NOT do this. However, Fr. V. over at Adam's Ale has been a very bad influence on me and has triggered me to write one of my rare song parodies. He supplied the first two lines.

Q: Lord, who threw out these 40 days?
A: No one, they’re still here!
Q: But I thought Vatican II
Tossed all that we held dear!

Q: Father, the liturgist you hired
Put sand and rocks in fonts
And said that sacramentals
Are things that V2 lost.

She said that all the laity
Are all the priests we need!
She said that dancing in the aisles
Is required in the Creed!

Your Worship Director’s worse!
He covered up the Cross…
With a big ol' screen to praise the words
Of Haugen and Haas!

The travesties that we behold
Too much…I have a list!
Because I’ve read the Council’s words
And think that they’ve been dissed!

Can we restore these 40 days
And gaze upon the Cross?
We need to have a Triduum
To know that we’re so lost!

Where is the penitential rite?
Has that been sent away?
Can we be forgiven
Or is our church astray?

How can we know that Jesus died
For our souls to save
If we can’t see the crucifix
And sin has been denied.

Father restore these 40 days
To prepare us for these three:
We need the Holy Triduum
For our great salvation to see!



(NOTE: THIS IS VERY ROUGH AND SUBJECT TO CHANGE/ADDITIONS)

Enjoy the New Year With a Toast to St. Thomas Aquinas!

Last summer I..ah.. * cough * discovered...yeah...a piece of the Summa that had been ignored, and published it on my blog. Today I republish the main text of the question of whether beer can be blessed, and found that dear St. Thomas Aquinas indeed has an opinion. Now, mind you, given that this is New Years' Eve, he does address temperance and moderation. Fr. Kyle Schnippel has the Beer Blessing (in Latin, no less!) on his blog.

My personal favorite quote from the good Father Schnippel is this:

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

So read this section of the Summa carefully, take note of the linked Blessing, find a good Priest to invite to your party, and have a Happy New Year!

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On Whether the blessing of beer is proper and can be justified?

Objection 1. It would seem that the impropriety of blessing the intoxicating liquid commonly called "beer" should be obvious to one and all who aspire to living a life of sanctity. As beer can be quickly intoxicating and thus eliminate the inhibitions of properly-sober persons, the action of "blessing" the beer would seem to give license not only to intoxication, but also to limited mental faculties that lead one into sin.

Objection 2: Further, blessing beer creates a temptation and an occasion of sin. When sober, a man has the use of full reason consistent with his intellectual capacity, however, the use of beer can diminish what reason he possesses. In the diminishment of reason, one may determine that something otherwise considered to be sinful would in fact be pleasent and "good", and thus, the beer would have lead said person down a path away from reason and towards sin. Such a thing is a temptation and thus the blessing can be termed to be "an occasion of sin."

Objection 3: Further, beer is a beverage not consumed at holy events, but in bars, backyard barbecues, and keg parties for the sake of imbibing great quantities for the intended purpose of intoxication. It should not be imbibed at all, and other intoxicating liquids should also be avoided for one trying to live a life in God's grace.

Objection 4: It is scandalous to the faithful to bless beer.

On the contrary, It is written (Jn 2:3) "When the wine failed, the mother of Jesus said to him, 'They have no wine'". Even further, it is written in reference to the 30-gallon jars meant for ritual purification, that they be filled to the brim. In this, the first miracle of Jesus (Jn 2:7), Jesus changed that water into wine for the feast, and He provided a quantity fit to intoxicate a crowd of their own volition. Thus we see that although the scriptures mention abundant wine, they do not mention beer.

I answer that, beer was not an ingredient of celebration in biblical times, however that does not imply that the invention of it is ungodly, only different but similar in effects to the predecessor which was wine.

Reply to Objection 1: Good beer was created from earthly ingredients freely given by God for this purpose. Good beer was created from especially tasty elements and was designed not for embarassing consumption but to be sipped in fellowship and enjoyed as with a good wine. The intoxicating properties are limited through the virtue of the one who consumes the beverage. Beer consumed in proper amounts does not inhibit the life of sanctity.

Reply to Objection 2: As in the reply to Objection 1, although beer can be a temptation to sin by some, it is not a temptation to sin for all. I further answer that food can be a temptation for some, but that does not inhibit our need to ask God to bless our food. To argue that beer cannot be blessed because it may be a temptation and occasion for sin is fallacious; for that point to be true, those who are tempted to gluttony must not have their meals blessed, if they eat at all! Thus, blessing beer does not enter one into an occasion of sin.

Reply to Objection 3: I answer that beer is also consumed at fine meals and at family events, taken with food, and limited in quantity. Just as wine with dinner is not automatically drunk to intoxication, thus is beer. Beer is no different from wine in this regard. To argue against blessing beer is to argue against allowing wine to be blessed with the meal. Jesus himself consumed wine at Passover and had beer been created, he would likewise have consumed beer. Yet we do not read of Christ and his Apostles drinking to intoxication at the Last Supper.

Reply to Objection 4: It would seem that it is NOT scandalous to bless beer. As we also bless food and consume it, thus we must also bless beer to be consumed with the food, for its elements too, are gifts from God, as are our friends and family. It must be observed that the blessing must call to mind right use of those gifts, which further enables us to focus on the virtues of temperence and charity, while unblessed food or beer could lead us to treat those gifts and ourselves callously. Thus, we see that the blessing of beer would not only be spiritually advantageous, but could, in fact, draw one into a closer union with God through the increased virtue inspired by the blessing. Especially if the blessing is stated in Latin.

Further, the only thing that would cause the blessing to be scandalous would be if the priest blessed the beer and then refused access to the rest of the present faithful.

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The original post and context in which it was written can be found here.

(Gotta love St. Thomas...what a guy!)

Remember These Guys/Girls?

The Brothers and Sisters of Perpetual Discernment are BACK!

I just got word they have returned from a mission trip following a monastery "tragedy". Sr. Caprice has a couple of posts up, but I'm sure there are more to come.

Is blog reading light lately due to impending Christmas? It seems maybe there will be some very entertaining reading at the Unnamed Monastery!

But there is some bad news...Sr. Perpetua is apparently in prison either in Mexico or El Salvador. Or for all we know, some other country. Sr. Caprice is, as always, confused.

Go have a look and discern for yourself!

Liturgy on BROADWAY!

Just the other day I was musing over the show-tune fare offered to us at Mass. You know those old and tired song-and-dance rhymes from Haugen-Haas-Joncas? And while I toyed with the idea of writing a Broadway-style script (or Vaudeville, maybe, or even Burlesque!) based on Haugen-Haas, I've decided that maybe it would be easier to follow the example from the L.A. Religious Ed. Conference, and write my OWN Mass. And instead of using the same-ol'-same-ol', I decided to use some REAL Broadway tunes!

I mean...if we're going to be humming show tunes, we should at least have enough taste to hum the things that haven't bothered to out of style and will ALWAYS entertain! And in fact, some of the Broadway and off-Broadway showtunes are just as relevant to Mass as the dated drug and heresy-inspired compositions provided by Haugen-Haas-Joncas!

What a BRILLIANT idea! But wait....there's MORE!

And I thought- so I thought to myself...how 'bout I take the tunes from Broadway, and cast the different characers - I mean - roles - in the Mass, and not only use the music, but use it to tell the story about what's happening in that church? What if a lone voice for orthodoxy stood up at the right time...what would happen? Why not do what the modernists are doing, and use show tunes, and tell the truth about what's REALLY going on? Because, as the progressives have taught us, Mass isn't about God...it's about US! So let's CELEBRATE OURSELVES! Let's sing and dance and tell the truth, because there is no sin..it's all social. And if it's out in the open air, it can't be sin anymore, because we have to forgive each other!

Jesus was a really nice guy. He really was. We should all try to be as nice and loving and peaceful as He was. After all...it's not like there was blood involved in His saving us. Don't be so melodramatic.

So, I've gone through my showtune library, and I'm working on editing some of the lyrics, but just off the top of my head, this is what I wrote as a program...uh...I mean, Worship Aid...for what the graduates of a local college here insist on calling "Liturgy":



Prelude: Anything Goes!
(Adapted from Anything Goes)


Gathering Song: There's No Business like Church Business!
(adapted from "No Business Like Show Business", Annie Get Your Gun)

MEN'S CHORUS:

The costumes, the scenery, the makeup, the props
The dancers that lift you when you're down

WOMEN'S CHORUS:
The heartaches, the alter server’s flip flops
The ushers who dance in the aisles

MEN'S CHORUS:
The opening when your Tom-toms beat like a drum

WOMEN'S CHORUS:
The closing when we celebrate ourselves!

ALL:
There's no business like Church business
Like no business I know

Everything about it is appealing
Nothing the rubrics will allow
No where could you have that happy feeling
When you’re fully defying, the Vatican!

There's no people like Church people
They smile when they disobey!

MEN'S CHORUS:
Yesterday we told you you would not go far

WOMEN'S CHORUS:
That night we were ordained and here we are

MEN'S CHORUS:
Next day on your sacristy We've hung a star

ALL:
Let's go on with the SHOW!

MEN'S CHORUS:
The servers, the choir, the bread, and the wine
The priestesses that wear the tablecloths!


WOMEN'S CHORUS:
The music, the spotlights, the people, the Pow’r
Your baggage with the feminazi pawns!

MEN'S CHORUS:
The colors and swirls and emasculation

WOMEN'S CHORUS:
The funky drape we've turned into an alb!

ALL:
There's no business like Church business
If you tell me it's so
Traveling out of the country is so thrilling
Standing out to be ordained secretly
Smiling as you watch the benches filling
And see your billing up there on the boat!

There's no people like Church people
They smile when they are wrong
Even with theology you know will fold
You may be choosing excommunication
Still you wouldn't trade it for a sack o' gold
Let's go on with the show
Let's go on with the show!
The show!
It’s all we want to know!


Responsorial: Old Deuteronomy
(Adapted for liturgy, choral - congregation, CATS)


Alleluia: Alleluia It's Rainin' Men
(Abba!)


Offertory: Father Hanks the Heretic *** _ _ *** See below for lyrics
(Adapted from Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat, CATS)

FATHER HANKS THE HERETIC

CHOIR:
Father Hanks the Heretic, Pastor of Saint Heresy!

Father:
There's a whisper down the line at eleven twenty-nine
When the Liturgist’s ready to begin
Saying, "Father where is Father?
Is he diving in baptism water?
We must find him or no Liturgy!"

All the ushers and the servers
And the old sacristan’s daughters
Would be searching high and low
Saying "Father where is Father for unless he holds his water
Then the Liturgy just can't go.”

At eleven thirty-two with the signal overdue
And the Liturgist all frantic to begin
That's when I would appear and I'd saunter to the rear
I'd been lost in the labyrinth!

Liturgist:
Then he gave one glance
To the Lord of the Dance
They'd be off at last to the front of the mass, to the middle of the liturgy!


Choir:
Father Hanks, the Heretic
Pastor of St. Heresy!

Liturgist:
You might say that by and large it was me who was in charge
Of the dancing parish mess
From the choir to the drums to the dancers in their tights
I would supervise them all more or less

Down the aisle Father prances and examines all the faces
Of the travellers in all the rows
But I’ve established control in the pastoral council
And I’d know if a spy was there.

I could watch you without blinking and see what you were thinking
And know for certain you don’t approve
Of hilarity and riot but I’d advise to be very quiet
While Father and I are on the move

You could call the Bishop on Father Heresy
She’s a "priest" that can’t be ignored
But all is well with our liturgical show
When "Father" Heresy is aboard

But it ticked us off when they went to the Bishop
To report about our liturgy!
But the Bishop didn’t care, said get out of his hair
And he did nothing because he didn’t see.

In our liturgy it’s all about “me!”
Because that’s what Vatican II said
And we don’t care if it’s not really there
And the funny little basin to dispose of the sacrament
Is better used to throw away old vino.


Choir:
Father Hanks, the Heretic
Pastor of St. Heresy!

Father Heresy:

In the middle of the night when awakened by a call
To hospice to visit the sick
I take a drop of scotch while I was keeping on the watch
Only stopping long enough to call a cab.

The sick are fast asleep and so they never knew
That I was walking up and down the hallway
They were sleeping all the while I couldn’t find the room
Until I stumbled on a custodian’s broom.

They might see me at the DNC when I’m there to support Dems
If there was anything they ought to know about

So when they go to the polls they vote with me
For Father Heresy doesn’t care what’s right!

So I’ll give you a bow to your divinity
Which says “I’ll wash your feet again!”
But I'll be sleeping at Midnight Mass

ALL: The Pastor of St. Heresy!


Communion: Maybe *** _ _ *** See Below for lyrics
(Adapted from Annie)

It May be Liturgy…
Or maybe not so much
Jesus pouring His blood…
Or can we save ourselves?

Maybe in a Church
All hidden in a veil
Someone’s praying to Jesus
Neo-caths for renewal!

Betcha that they're young
Betcha that they're smart
Bet they’ve read the RUBRICS
And like Icons and Art!

Betcha that they pray --
(And study quite a bit)
Their one mistake
Was admitting to it!

So maybe now it's time,
And maybe when I cry
They'll be there calling me “Traddie…”
Maybe.

Betcha we can try
Betcha we can pray
Maybe Holy Father hopes
The Church will be reformed

Maybe he is strict
As straight as a line...
I don’t really mind….
As long as he cares…

So maybe now this prayer's
The last one of it's kind...
Won't you please come renew our Church…?

[CHILDREN’S CHORUS]
May - be….!

Secondary Communion Hymn: Doin' What Comes Naturallly! (Adapted from Annie Get Your Gun)

Folks are dumb where I come from,
They ain't had any learning.
Still they're happy as can be
Doin' what comes naturally (doin' what comes naturally).
Folks like us could never fuss
With CCC and CCD and learnin’
And we’ve ignored the Baltimore CC!,
Doin' what comes naturally (doin' what comes naturally)

You don't have to know how to sing or pray
When you're out meetin’ Gaia in a labyrinth!
You don't have to look in a book to find out
What to know about God in a terebinth!
That comes naturally (that comes naturally).

My uncle out in L.A. can't even kneel to pray
But he dances LA Conference
And we like him just the same!

If you saw my pa and ma,
You'd know they didn’t want children
So they've flushed their family
Usin’ contraception! (usin’ contraception!)

Cousin Jack has never read the rubrics on liturgy
Still he twangs guitar in Life Teen!
Doin' what comes naturally (doin' what comes naturally).

Sister Sal who's musical has never hear Gregorian
Still she sings contemp’rary
Doin' what comes naturally (doin' what comes naturally).

You don't have to go a Catholic school
To learn how to vest in the vestibule!
You don't have to have a Theo Prof’s Tome
To make it up as you go along!
That comes naturally (that comes naturally).


Recessional: Finale
(Adapted from same title, Annie Get Your Gun, see Gathering Song, medly of all above)

Postlude: Angelical Kids
(Adapted from Jellicle Cats, CATS)

You have GOT to be KIDDING me! Anathema?

Check THIS out!


I've been ordered by the SSLI to post the following image on my blog, to "warn" people of the heretical content, in order to avoid leading others astray:



Here's the text:

Effective immediately, all individuals who have been excommunicated or who have had their interweblog added to the Index Prohibitum are REQUIRED to display the above placard on any and all of their interweb publications. The notice label is designed to warn all who happen upon such interweb locations that extreme heresy and apostasy lie within. Such measures are absolutely necessary so as to ensure the spiritual safety of all those innocent and impressionable souls who wander about the interweb. ANY HERETIC REFUSING TO CORRECTLY EMPLOY THE MONIKER SHALL BE IMMEDIATELY REPORTED TO THE FIRST KNIGHT SUPREME OF THE HOLY KNIGHTS OF THE TRUELY TRUE CHURCH FOR PUNISHMENT


Are they KIDDING!????

Let's look at this logically; do they seriously think that anyone who disagrees with them will cave in to their made-up "AUTHORITY" and fall all over themselves to warn people that their faithfulness to the ACTUAL Catholic Church is "heretical" in the eyes of SSLI? Riiiiiight.

Here's my response to them:

Bite me.

I'm completely unrepentant. You have NO AUTHORITY.

YOU repent!

I may need to go to Confession for the above response, but IT'S SO WORTH IT!

But I have to ask...is it a sin to mouth off to a schismatic sect with invalid "ordinations"? If so, I'll humbly go confess my absolute unrepentance to a TRUE priest of the Roman Catholic Church, and my mouthiness, and then I'll write a letter to the Pope pledging my undying gratitude to God and my fidelity to the truth, faithful, One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church, which does NOT involve the SSLI.

:-)

I'm going to do a lot of time in Purgatory for this post, aren't I?


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NOTE: This is a PARODY post in response to a Parody blog; SSLI is a parody and does not exist in the real world. Do not be alarmed.