Epiphany

For months now, I haven't been posting very often. Sometimes I struggle to come up with one post per week. It amazes me that I continue to have followers. Please forgive me, but at times I think I only have followers because my blog is like a train wreck- once you look you just can't look away!

I've been considering putting this blog out of its misery, but truly, it has been an outlet for me and I am reminded I'm not being paid for my work; it carries with it no regular obligation. You, dear readers, apparently continue to follow because on occasion, you find that I have something to say, something that resonates with your own spiritual life, lived experience, questions about theology...or something. For that, I thank you. When it comes down to it, whenever I consider sticking a fork in this mess, I realize ultimately that it isn't really about me. None of us live lives that are all about us; we are living for God, for His people. Or at least we're trying in our own fallen way.

Granted, I love to write, but it is often a laborious task.When I post, I want to do so by way of adding something to the blogosphere, something different, something, well, hopefully holy. (Oh, you know how often I fail at that...!)  So it is that when I stop to consider this labor, I am forced to realize that perhaps not only is this something that I occasionally love, but it is also a sacrifice. It is one of the ways I can offer to lay my life down for God, for others, even though the disconnect that is the internet means I will never see "the faces" of those who linger but do not comment. I will never truly know the impact, for good or evil, of my words, of my life - and that's as it should be. The former would tempt pride, the latter, despair.

So it is that I will continue this blog as before, although I do not know what direction it will take, or how often I will write. I don't know if the words will appear I'm squeezing blood out of a rock, or whether they will flow freely. I only know that I must continue, for even if I say nothing new, even if my words don't matter, I am a single Christian doing my best to follow my Savior, and often failures in holiness speak more clearly to the Glory and Mercy of God than do the greatest successes.

Thank you all, dear readers, for continuing to follow this little work of mine. Thank you for your support and prayers over the years, for walking with me through the light and shadows that encompass this earthly pilgrimage. Thank you, both original readers who have been there from the beginning (are any of you still there or have I chased you away?) and thank you to my newer followers. I value you all and keep you also in my prayers.

God bless you as we continue through the Christmas season and celebrate a new start in 2011! 

(and remember...Christmas doesn't end until the Baptism of Our Lord!)

Charity in Blogging

I'm about to go off on a rant, but maybe not the kind people like. I don't happen to enjoy it myself, but I'm going to say it anyway because it needs to be said. (Yes, I know every ranter thinks like this. Fasten your Rosaries and Divine Mercies anyway)

This weekend in class, our professor shone a light on some of the things I've written about here, but he stated it in a way that helped me both to see more clearly and convict me more directly.

Look around the blogosphere. Look at the most "popular" blogs. Look at who is being followed and regard  the comments.Consider the CONTENT of the blogs with the greatest number of followers.

What do they write about most often? What position are they taking?

Most importantly...at whose expense are they taking it? To whose glory?

As our professor pointed out; we humans, in our fallen nature, have this terrible inclination, almost a reflex, to put others down in support of our own opinions. He further pointed out that in so doing, if our "opinions" are actually official Church teaching, putting others down to edify it doesn't work. In fact, it does the polar  opposite.

I don't repeat this here apart from my own bloody-guilty hands. Believe me; my own keyboard is caked with the blood of people I've verbally scourged and at my own particular Judgment I'll have to answer for their souls and the souls I've damaged through such scandal.

As my professor was speaking, I considered many of the blogs I follow, as well as those I have actually stopped following in the last few months. Last night I took a few minutes and browsed my blog feed, and was shocked at how many "faithful" bloggers spend the majority of their time tearing down what they see as "the enemy" even though that person might well be sitting in the pew next to them.

As my professor pointed out:  we spend so much time glorifying ourselves while putting down others that the house next door is burning and we can't even hear the screams for help.

Being a faithful Catholic isn't about right or left or liberal or conservative. Most people don't even know what those terms really mean! I know people who claim to be "conservative" Catholics but can't be bothered to go to Mass on Sunday. I know people who claim to be "liberal" Catholics and toe the line but dislike Gregorian chant!

And yet, it seems to be a knee-jerk reaction for us to immediately pigeonhole someone into this or that camp, and then smear them for a position or belief they don't even hold!

We need to remember the theological virtue of Charity and live by it...not just spout the word.

True Charity wills the good of another, and in willing that good, sees that other as, first and foremost, someone for whom Jesus DIED a horrible death.

We CANNOT, as bloggers, base our blogs on tearing down others in order to make ourselves look good in the eyes of other sinners like us who will be fueled to add their own gripes, their own judgments, and their own form of superiority at the expense of sinners who apparently aren't like us.

There are those who are in error because they've never been taught differently, and are advancing those errors not out of intent to destroy the Church, but out of simple, inculpable ignorance. And there are those who know the true doctrine, and so are called to proclaim it...but not at the expense of the souls they destroy in operating as smug self-important jerks as they "Anathema sit!" all over the place in the diarrhea they fancy as their theological "expertise."

Unfortunately, this category isn't limited to lay bloggers, but includes members of the clergy as well, and the scandal they (snarky Clergy bloggers) cause by such practices does even greater damage.  Heck, if Fr. X and Y can say such things, then so can I, and gosh, if I write like they do, then I gain esteem not just in their eyes but in the eyes of THEIR following....etc.

Yeah. That's what happens, folks.

Not cool.

Where, in all that, is there room for God's Glory?  Where, in all this Catholic infighting, in all these condemnations and anathemas, is there room for the virtue of Charity?

Nowhere.

Nowhere.

Yes, we know that this or that parish on the corner or in this or that city has some major problems, and that it has become malformed Fr. XY's own personal litterbox. Whatever. Yes, we know souls are being led astray.

Since when does yelling and screeching and shaming about these things actually effect conversions?

It doesn't. It chases people away. Not just those against whom such tirades and derision are directed, but those who witness it as well.

As bloggers, as knowledgeable Catholics, we have a greater duty to respond to the Faith we have been given. We have a greater duty to exercise justice subordinate to mercy, subordinate to charity...and to know what that actually MEANS.

If we don't know what that means...it is an act of charity to be silent, not just for the souls of others...but for our own.

I'm sorry, truly sorry, for the scandal that I have caused and I am working hard not to do so ever again. I know that my apology means nothing to those whom I have scandalized, for they are not here to read it.

I beg those who are my readers to forgive me for causing scandal, and that you pray for those souls I've chased away out of my own pride in seeking my own glory at both their and YOUR expense.

I can't speak for other bloggers, nor do I judge their souls, but I do judge their actions and this, in particular.  Do we need to shine a light on what is wrong at times?  Certainly! The Church Fathers were not adverse to such things!  The modern question is this, though:  Is it really necessary to focus our lives on ripping on thy neighbor in order to proclaim the Truth?

No.

The Truth doesn't need a defense. It simply requires an intelligent statement of fact backed up by actually living it through the theological virtues, especially that of the divine charity of Jesus who died for the very worst of sinners.

Including bloggers.

What is a Christian?

*Content Warning: this post references a heinous crime against a child and may not be suitable for all readers.*

Tonight, while I sat listening to the multitude of readings at the Easter Vigil, I pondered, as I have been, the sacrifice of Christ. I listened to the story of Creation, the salvation of the Jews, the demise of the Egyptian captors. I prayed and sang the Psalms, and, although I didn't want to, pondered the state of the world.

In the last few days alone, in my metro area, alone, there have been atrocious crimes. I tried to push the thoughts away, but they wouldn't go, so I pondered them with God, letting them in and trying to see them in light of His Sacrifice.  I thought of the mother who was shot to death in front of her young children when her estranged husband rammed her car and then blew her away in spite of the presence of toddlers in car seats. I thought of the report of the oldest child to the police: "Daddy killed Mommy."  

I thought of the man who stabbed his ex-wife 40 times, in front of their children. She hadn't been in fear of him before because, as she'd told the courts when getting an Order for Protection, "He's never done anything crazy. I'm not afraid of him doing something."  Now she's a corpse with 40 horrible wounds and orphan children.

But the worst, the very worst, the story that overcame my thoughts tonight, was a story I read today. A fifteen-year-old girl went to a party in her apartment building with some older men. Not teens. Men.  Her little seven-year-old sister tagged along with her "out of concern for her safety", as the story tells us.

At the party, the teen (15 years old!) starting selling herself for sex with the men who were there, and then began taking money to let the various men there touch her LITTLE SISTER!  HER OWN SISTER!

Judas has NOTHING on this teenager. As I sat at Mass fuming about what horrible set of sins and monstrosities had created this evil 15-year-old who was probably very very abused as a child herself, I read on.

No less than 7 men decided that "touching" wasn't enough. They went on to FORCIBLY RAPE the 7-year-old girl! SEVEN men GANG-RAPED a 7-YEAR-OLD!

Tonight, as I pondered that horrible crime, the consequences spiritually, morally, physically and emotionally for that poor child, I looked over at the child of about that same age that I prepared to be received into the Church this evening. I considered all the children I help to prepare for the Sacraments, and I shuddered so deeply that I'm certain there must have been an earthquake in Hell tonight.

Oh, yes, I was angry. There I was, sitting at the most beautiful, most Sacred Liturgy of the entire year, and all I could think about was the horrible crime visited upon an innocent little girl who went as a pure lamb among wolves spawned by Satan himself.

I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to ponder it. I tried with all my might to push the thoughts and images away. I prayed for the girl, and for her family, and couldn't bring myself to pray for the monsters who had defiled her with such demonic violence.

I looked up at the Crucifix and wondered at the God who would send his only Son to die for such a worthless race that is humanity. I wondered at the God who could look upon us with any shred of mercy at all. I considered the men who forcibly raped an innocent little girl, a girl who had entered that den out of interest and love for her own sister, and I asked how Jesus could possibly think humanity worth saving? HOW?  I would wash my hands and walk away, leaving them either to themselves to do as they wished or simply destroy them in one fell swoop.  

The last Psalm ended as I was trying hard to recollect myself.

Then I heard, and, trying hard, read along the words of the Epistle for the Easter Vigil:

Rom 6:3-4:

Are you unaware that we who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?

I don't think I really heard the rest of the Epistle. I was drawn into those words and captivated there, as though my head was being held under water.  "Are you unaware that we who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?"

I was bonded there, chastised, and crucified.  And there, from the gibbet of the Cross, I saw what Jesus sees, I saw the reason for my questions, and I saw the Truth of Divine Justice.

My questions....about the value of humanity, about why Jesus underwent His Passion and Death to save us...those aren't new questions. Not to me, not to anyone.  It isn't that I haven't asked them before, and it isn't that I have not sinned, and horribly, at that. If anything, I  know what I am capable of doing and I have seen much in my professional life. Not much shocks me.

The closer I come to Christ, though, the more my outer shell is worn away, and the more I am able to be shocked by the rancid devastation of sin. The more I am able to see the rot, the more I, in my own fallen humanity, want to take a torch to the trunk and burn it ALL away, leaving nothing.

I do not see as God sees.

I was angry tonight, I was scandalized, and then I heard the Word of God that brought me to bear; I have been baptized in Christ. I have been baptized into His death.

Oh, yes. To be Baptized in Christ means to take on the very same Cross, to drink of the same cup of Salvation. To be Baptized means that we are one with Him and His plan for the Salvation of sinners. To be Baptized means we take on that yoke of suffering; it means that we are giving our fiat to God, and that we, too, are willing to DIE for sinners.

For SINNERS. Even the worst.

Even the sinners who would rape a child. Repeatedly.

Jesus, from eternity, looked upon humanity and called us "good".  Jesus, from eternity, was made incarnate at conception in order to save us from our sins. He looked upon the worst of humanity...and said YES.

God did not gaze upon humanity judging our worthiness by the pettiness of humanity, but by the depths to which we are capable of descending.  He looked upon us and judged us by the greatest atrocities. Jesus looked upon the greatest sins of humanity, sins most people could never even imagine, and in His great love, he looked beyond the sin and saw His Own Image, and He said YES.

Jesus became one of us not because we say snarky things or don't do our chores, but because we are capable of raping children and murdering entire generations of them through abortion and genocide.

God looked at the worst we can do and said, "They are in my image, they are my children and I will die for them in the worst torture known to humanity."

To be Christian, to be Baptized into Christ means to take on that same Cross, and from there, took into the eyes, and the soul, of the most depraved sinner, and say, YES!

To be Christian is to know that no one is beyond salvation, and to know that Christ didn't die for the self-defined righteous, but for sinners, and the worst of sinners at that.

To be Christian is to take on the Cross and, for ourselves, to look especially upon the most depraved of souls and say, "You are a child of God and I am willing to die for your salvation."

We must not just be willing to forgive, but to die the most torturous death for the most depraved of sinners

Nothing less is worthy of a Christian. Nothing less than the ultimate price of Divine Love is worthy of Christ.
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