Overwhelming

I am in the throes of the final prep for a HUGE project at work, and I have no idea what I'm doing. This entire thing is "my baby" and I never wanted it, but I knew when I accepted the job this came with it. I've dreaded this since last fall, and I'm dreading it now.

Next week when it all comes to an end, if I don't post or if I can't be found on my Facebook account (yes, I gave in and got one), send someone to look for me at work. I'll probably be curled up in a corner crying and twirling my hair and quoting random lines from "The Princess Bride" or maybe "Monty Python's Holy Grail".

I have tomorrow off, even though I do need to be at work. But if I don't take tomorrow, which is the ONLY POSSIBLE day I can take between now and when it ends next Friday, I'll go crazy in very short order. As it is, I'll be working 8 days in a row, all of them very stressful for me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad for someone who loves this kind of thing, but I'm not that person.

But God is good and He has answered many prayers and sent to me many many very gifted people. But still, thosse gifted people still need my direction because that's my job. This morning I already thought I was going to explode; our computer servers were FINALLY up, and I had a few emails to respond to from volunteers. As I pulled up a page, I saw I had 2 voicemails and began to listen to them...both very very long and including details that were not relevant to ANYTHING and just wasted my time. Then my cell phone rang while I was trying to get to the end of the first other voice mail message so that I wouldn't have to listen to it again. Then two or three volunteers showed up needing things, which we'd been working on but they needed further direction and had to get out the door in short order to make other appointments...and still the first message was going on. And on. And on. And my volunteers were waiting. But the messages were also from two VERY important volunteers without whom this program couldn't happen. It couldn't happen without ANY of them!

And then my co-workers started in on things, and we had an office volunteer in so they were looking for me to find work for her, but I wasn't prepared because I was on the phone. And as soon as my volunteers left the office so I could get stuff for the office volunteer, my phone rang again and it was a different subject but something very necessary and related to my other larger job, my overall job.

But it took a lot of time, time that she needed, and I gladly gave it even realizing that the minutes were ticking away.

So then the office volunteer came in and handed ME more things, not understanding that I was on the phone and couldn't deal with her at that moment (and she's not prone to waiting even when it's obvious).

And then..and then..and then...

And so on and so forth. So there I was, swamped. So overwhelmed I didn't know what to do next or how to do it. But a task came to mind so I set about doing it (and will have to work on it tomorrow, too...because I need supplies and tomorrow is the only time I can get them). And then another volunteer came in with some stuff and wanted more info and more info about things until I finally realized that she was asking about something another volunteer was in charge of, so I just threw up my hands and said, "I don't care! That part isn't my responsiblity right now! Talk to Mrs. X.! She's in charge!"

Thank God the volunteer I said that to is a Saint with a sense of humor! And dang, that felt good to officially delegate something that I really don't have to worry about!

And I just realized I didn't return one of the long messages. I tried but couldn't reach her and never got back to calling her.

But that last volunteer, God bless her was trying really hard to help and she's done so much and I just love her to pieces. And she told me that the program is an impending success, God is in charge, He wouldn't send me so many participants if we weren't ready, and that my gift might not be organization but it is overseeing.

Except that it's not. I know it's not my gift because it's so overwhelming I can't take it. And I don't like it. I know for a FACT it's not a spiritual gift because I took that test and I was overwhelmingly NOT gifted in: leadership, mercy, administration, or anything pastoral. (Yes, those are all spiritual gifts.)

The same kinds of things I'm struggling with now are EXACTLY the things that destroyed my previous career in Insurance; too much coming at me at once, too many things to handle over a prolonged period of time.

I am NOT cut out to direct, manage, or lead. But for better or worse, God has placed me in this position and I'm doing my best to live up to it. Before I left work this evening, I went to the office to make sure I had no mail that needed to be dealt with as I won't be in tomorrow. There was an envelope for me and initially I cringed.

It was a Birthday card from the secretary, signed by her only, so not an office card, and the second I read it I nearly burst into tears! She didn't say anything special, it wasn't a big deal, so that just tells me how overwhelmed I really am. I KNOW I bit a few heads off today and this week when everyone has been so nice and so helpful to me. And then reading that in an abandoned building after everyone has gone home...

I have more to say on that but this is getting long and I'm so stressed out I'm ready to cry.
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Falling Dominoes

I've been completely stressed out all week, and the next two days promise to be a nightmare...although at least we got through tonight's retreat. Tomorrow it's two retreats, two different Sacraments. And following that, a Sunday retreat.

And then we'll be over that hump. But I began today thoroughly exhausted. About an hour before the retreat, Father came to my office to make sure I didn't need anything and to let me know where he would be. But as soon as he'd said hello, he commented, "You look really tired. You should go outside and get some air."

Wow. I must have looked REALLY BAD for him to even comment. Because of course I've been to work on days where maybe I was tired or just not feeling well, and he's never said a thing.

I just got home from tonight's work, I made it through, and now I'm going to finally eat dinner and go to sleep. I'm almost afraid to sleep...lately all I do in my sleep is dream about work or bizarre conglomerations of things that don't make sense. It's stress sleeping...and it causes one to wake up more exhausted than they'd been the night before. I'm seriously contemplating just staying awake all night...that way I can ensure I won't be working!

Nah..I'm too tired to keep my eyes open for that long. So...I wonder which facet of my job I'll be dreaming about tonight?

I can't wait until this weekend comes to an end. For me, it's not a weekend, just a series of days. Some dominoes that need to be pushed over.

But even then, it won't be over. I have so much work to do for school, and certainly I'll get through it, but it's going to be very tight. This time, because we got an extra week because of Easter, it shortened our next "month" between classes and I wasn't able to get as far ahead as I'd hoped. So I'll be crunching to get through the tests and the assignments due on that weekend.

And work...everything is coming to a head, and I'm living in holy terror that my incompentance is going to completely mess everything up. Boy, am I in need of some experienced volunteers to bail me out of this mess!

I think this is the part where I'm supposed to be trusting God...but I'm failing miserably, at that and other things. Please pray for me, and for all those I'm supposed to be serving.


UPDATE 6:05 AM SATURDAY: I woke up at 4:30 and could not sleep...I tried. I fell asleep maybe 15 minutes before my alarm went off. I dreamed about work. * sigh * Get me coffee...more coffee...

Too Much!

I'm exhausted, and it's only Wednesday...and I'm just getting started.

Tomorrow is going to include only a few hours at work .Because Friday is some training (good stuff involving Father Loya) through the Archdiocese, but then Friday night is a retreat I have to run, Saturday morning the 2nd session of the same retreat...and I STILL have parents calling to sign up for the sacramental program because they haven't bothered to be bothered with it prior to this.

A couple families have special circumstances, but they took the time to not call me in the last hours before the retreat so I could bring them up to speed.

And still...the stragglers keep coming, and I have orders to let them in. So be it. But I don't have time to give them the royal treatment everyone else got.

And Sunday I'm running the Confirmation program all by myself because the Youth Minister will be out of town.

Oh, and I'm only at the beginning of page 6 of my (really bad) Spirituality paper on Unanswered Prayer and Suffering, I haven't finished re-reading, highlighting, and tabbing Sacrosanctum Concilium for my Vatican II paper on what the "Spirit of Vatican II" really means as the actual text of the document states it (I chose SC over Lumen Gentium or Gaudium et Spes and a few others), and I still haven't finished my Old Testament stuff and yet have no idea what the "basket of summer fruit" in Amos means.

And I don't get another weekend before class since this weekend will be all work. Oh, and never mind errands and chores that have to be done.

And don't even get me started on Minnesota's unjust labor laws that are causing this; because it's illegal to bank hours in Minnesota, thus while this should be a 60-70 hour work week, instead it's cutting things short and then that means I still have to work 40 next week, as opposed to just balancing the hours out.

And no, my position isn't salaried. If it was, there would be justice.

There is no justice in this world. We have to die to get that.

Instead, I think I'll just go to sleep and hope I'm not this stressed out in the morning. And I hope I don't bite anyone's head off before, during, or after this weekend's retreat. After all...I quite literally won't be able to get to Confession.

In fact, I went this morning...and this weekend's retreat is all aobut this very sacrament.

Back to defining irony here...

* sigh *