Always in Need of Perpetual Help

Today, June 27th, is the Feast of the miraculous icon, Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

The post I wrote about the icon a few years ago remains, throughout the year, one of my most popular posts so you can find it linked on the sidebar any time, or just click here to know everything you ever wanted to know about it. ;-)

As I have a deep devotion to this particular image of our Blessed Mother, and of course, the Passion of Our Lord that it portrays, I find it comforting that this year, I begin my summer reduction in work hours on her Feast day and conclude this "workweek" with the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

For those unfamiliar with the steady ups and downs of my life, during the summer, this being the fourth in a row of this particular hardship, my work hours drop from full time to part time. The first two years it dropped to 10 hours per week. I survived the first year on a good tax return, the 2nd year on the help of friends who paid my mortgage and sent me out East and throughout the midwest to visit a few religious communities, setting the conditions to finally do this: I considered the time to be a blessing and the support...amazing.

Last year I had an increase in hours to 25 hours per week for 6 weeks, so between that and not paying utility bills until I was back full time (playing catch-up), and my tax return, I scraped by.

This year is a different story. While I begin this summer on 25 hours per week, what's left of my already-meager tax return won't help me survive. My undergrad loans were transferred from a company that was helpful to a company that has no soul and in fact, INCREASED the amount they expect me to pay each month. My grad loan company is even MORE heartless and told me they don't have a financial hardship forbearance of any kind. (They're lying through their teeth but if they don't grant it, it's the same thing anyway).

So...this forces my hand. I'm in the process of filling out mortgage relief paperwork and my last attempt to keep my head above water until that can be completed and processed is to contact my mortgage company and see if they will allow me to skip a payment this summer. I'm asking for only one month, which I pray they grant me as I have never been late on a payment.

You see, then, how appropriate is today's Feast, for I do indeed, need perpetual help, both for my spiritual life and my continued financial existence.

The Icon

In honor of the Feast, I plan today to sit down at my own Icon of Our Mother of Perpetual help and finally highlight Jesus' tunic - which I already messed up and have to "re-do" in a sense. Should I complete that, I will begin working on Our Lady's face, at long last.

I have decided, based upon how well the faces come out, to add gold leaf to this image, for if it turns out well, nothing less than gold would be proper for this particular window to heaven - should God give me the grace to ever complete it.

Please pray for me as I continue to write this very large icon, and please pray that somehow, God provides me with some kind of financial relief. While this latter is necessary, the fact is that I am in a better position than so many in our society, for at least I still have a roof over my head, good credit (but for how long before it all crashes?), and a position to bargain with at least a few creditors. There is hope and I keep grasping for it, grateful for the motherly gaze coming to me through Our Mother of Perpetual Help.

Success To the Work of Your Hands

He is Risen! He is Risen INDEED!

Lent was difficult this year, and the Triduum was no exception, and although I had difficulty in prayer and was, for the first time in recent memory, tempted to NOT attend the Triduum liturgies, I went and worshiped as planned. Non-Catholic friends of mine sometimes question why we Catholics are so "ritualistic", and my answer is this: because our rituals do not let us fall into the dictatorship of emotions, but rather help us to honor God because He wills it, even though we may will the opposite.

I am grateful, therefore, for our Triduum "rituals", for they help to sanctify we weak souls who would prefer to flee and "do our own thing".

One of the blessed things about the Triduum, however, was time off from work and because I plan my life to avoid "errands" and other things, I was able to spend some time working on my Icon of Our Lady of Perpetual Help. During Lent I went on retreat and my wonderful teacher and friend, a dear, faithful Religious Sister looked at it with her discerning eye and explained to me some new techniques required by this particular Icon. So it was that during the Triduum, even though I had difficulty with mental prayer, God drew me into the Icon. Even though I am still a student and therefore still focus on technique, it was very prayerful for I was able to speak to our Blessed Mother, to Jesus, and to the Archangels Michael and Raphael.

They responded by guiding my clumsy hand that held the brush, and I was amazed at the effects. Although I continue to make mistakes and see them long after the paint has dried, more and more I am gaining confidence, wondering if, perhaps, one day, I will truly be able to call myself an Iconographer.

The Homily on Holy Thursday was given by a priest ordained only a year ago, and he revealed to us the Bible verse engraved upon his chalice, from Psalm 90, "..Give success to the work of our hands."

His homily struck a chord with me, for ever since, when I approach the Icon I have been praying those holy words. The Icon I write now is ultimately not for me. For whom do I write it, but for God? I write it to give Glory to Him, to ponder on His Incarnation, to meditate upon the Mystery of the Redemption. It is the most Sacred of arts, yet I do not know where it will end up. So it is that I pray it as I go, begging for intercession, praying for success to this work of my unworthy hands.

Who am I to open a window to Heaven? Who will gaze through this window? Who am I to co-create it with God?

Success. What is "Success"? 

In God's eyes, I do not know the definition of "Success".  When I was in high school and college, and in my young adult years, at the "threshold of the universe", I thought "success" was primarily defined by financial means, and the elevation of status within one's chosen field. These days, I see things differently and I have learned the hard way that "success" according to God may not be anything I envision in my fallen perception.

We have all come through Lent with varying levels of earthly "success". What does that mean?

Many of us think we have 'failed", but have we really? If our failures have brought us to the Throne of Mercy, they are not failures but successes in self-knowledge, a huge gift of Grace. If our "failures" have revealed to us something that keeps us from God, then we must recognize a gift given from God's heart to our own.

If our Lenten "failures" have reminded us that of ourselves, we can do nothing, and therefore we have NEED of a Savior...then we have not "failed" so much as been brought closer to Jesus through a breakdown of our Pride.

When we pray, therefore, for "Success", we have to recall that the ways in which we define that word may differ drastically from God's own definition.

As of now, as I pray for success for the work of my hands, specifically for my Icon, I don't know, exactly, what that means. In practice I am praying for my hand to be guided, for my intellect to be informed, for my will to be strengthened, for my Pride to be overcome; for I will and I MUST make mistakes and accept those as I go. It is the mistakes that teach us the most.

It is the mistakes we make, whether in Iconography or in other areas of life, that lead us to ask the most heartfelt and sincere questions.

Difficult Lent - Difficult Easter?

It doesn't matter if our Lent was a big Ol' "FAIL". It doesn't matter. It is behind us now. For those of us who got out of Lent with nothing but this lousy FAIL t-shirt, it is time to let it go and rejoice, not in ourselves, but in Our Lord who foresaw our big fat FAILS long before He was crucified for them.

It is time to celebrate, and if we have failed, then we have a great gift; that of being able to celebrate, purely, the Resurrection, for we can recognize it has nothing to do with our own merit, but Our Lord's. It is a great gift, and we should recognize it as such, for this gift is meant for our own humility. It is my untried theory that we who have difficulty in Lent both need to grow in holiness and need to grow, most specifically, in humility.

And yes, that hurts, and it hurts even more to admit it in public. But then again, for those who know us...is it any surprise that we need that lesson?

Is there, truly, anyone who WOULDN'T benefit from an increase in humility?

We have to remember that none are perfect, we are still being created, and like an Icon, are incomplete until we are with God for eternity. An Icon is not truly an Icon until it is Blessed in a special way, and that is what makes it worthy of veneration. So it is with the Saints - and we are ALL called to be Saints, should we choose to cooperate with that Divine Invitation.

Therefore, let us all pray together, with and for each other, to rejoice in the Resurrection of Christ, and for the blessing of success to the work of our hands...all for Him and for His Kingdom, unto Eternity with all the Blessed.

A Holy Easter to you all, and may God grant you all success to the work of your hands. Amen!

Iconography and the Spiritual Life

Outside the wind is blustering, a cold rain is falling and promises to turn into a sloppy mess long before we see the light of day again. But inside, I am blessed to be warm and relatively comfortable as I brush layer after layer of paint on an icon I recently began.

My intent this Lent was to spend more time reading and working on my icons, both things I truly love. Yet this evening at Adoration and through Mass, I could barely focus. I was hungry (although I had not fasted today), I had a lot on my mind, many worries, doubts and in a sense, on the edge of panic. At one point I was near tears, yet thankful I could bring all of that to prayer.

I wondered, though, if I'd be able to focus after dinner, or if my intent to work on my icon would not come to fruition.

Finally, though, I sat down and put my hand to the brush and touched paint to the icon, knowing I must keep this promise, even if only for a short time; it is a promise I made to myself, and more importantly, to God. You see, time spent writing icons is time passed in prayer.

Iconography can be very intimate, like spending time with a dear friend. 

As one should do when reading about the Saints, or trying to understand their writings, so should one do when working on their image in an icon:  converse with them. Pray to them, ask the Holy Spirit for insights into their holiness, into God's grace, and understanding His will. Perhaps there's a reason that *this* particular icon is the one chosen: what is the significance of that? What is one supposed to learn from that Saint or depiction of the Mother of God or scene from scripture?

Even in silence where the prayer doesn't flow in words, there is a divine intimacy, the sense of co-creating with God and the understanding that it is a great and humbling gift to be allowed to enter into such a task.

For lent, though, it seems that this discipline is quite proper, for to write an icon parallels the spiritual life. It is supposed to be done perfectly, and yet, because we are fallen creatures we make mistakes, time and time again. I might go over a line and have to swipe away the extra paint, or perhaps I lean into a fresh spot, destroying it. The mistakes can't be erased, exactly; they remain, there, even if covered by layers upon layers of paint, those flaws become a part of the icon.

The only thing one can do is to try to learn from those mistakes, try to correct them as well as possible, and move on, resolving to not make the same mistake again.

We all know how that goes, though, don't we?

Every so often I pick up the icon I wrote last summer, and I see almost nothing but mistakes. So it is as I continue to work on new icons: mistake after mistake. Others may see something different, but I see smudges and ridges and an inability to stay in the lines.

Ah...such is my spiritual life.

The fact is, iconography, especially perfecting the sacred art, is no easier and no more difficult than growing in holiness; one reflects the other. 

I can already see that some of the mistakes I have made have been out of impatience; trying to race ahead to my own little "goal" for this sitting, even though the paint had not yet dried. That tends to be how I make mistakes in real life, too, and where I falter instead of advancing in holiness.

Lent is perfect for recognizing that kind of habitual fault, for now is the time to step back and decide that it doesn't have to be that way. I can grow in the virtue of patience. Just as I work to increase my skill in painting, so I can, at the same time, grow in practicing the virtues. Perhaps, in the end, there will be fewer mistakes.

When one begins an icon, there is a blank slate. Iconographers through the centuries have understood that connection between personal virtue and the end result. When they are complete one icon, having been through a spiritual process all along, they can put that one aside and, realizing they are not yet perfected, pick up another and begin again.

Strength Before the Lord

Today at Mass, before the Gospel was an exhortation to pray to be strong enough to stand before the Lord (in judgement):

Although I dutifully repeated the words of the prayer, knowing what they meant in the most transcendent way, the strength required to get there, the strength required to even be able to be present before the LORD in full knowledge of Who He Is, still, I pictured my day of Particular Judgment. I imagined, in my mind's eye, the Angry Jesus.  (Pictured above, mosaic at the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception)

No, I don't want the strength to stand before the Lord;  standing is far too often, in the Latin Church, a sign of obstinate dissent flung into the Face of God Himself. [Especially in our American culture,] In the Latin Church (i.e. Roman Catholic) it is not a sign of reverence and awe to stand, and in American culture in general, standing, in particular, is a sign of  outright rebellion. Standing in the Latin Tradition is a sign of dissent, of "MY" desires to the detriment of the rest of the community of Catholics who kneel in reverence, recognizing by the worship of their bodily expression of humility in the face of God.

There are exceptions;  those *Religious* communities in the Benedictine Tradition may stand at certain points, however the worship belonging to a Rule of Life often does not properly translate to parish life and was never intended for such a thing, for most lay Catholics are NOT formed and schooled in the theology of the Benedictine Tradition.

I do not want the strength to *stand* before the Lord when I go before Him!  

Instead, I pray for the wisdom, humility, and weakness to fall at His feet, begging for mercy for all I have done to offend Him and all His Church, with full awareness of the harm I have caused to all.

I want to fall at His feet like Esther into the arms of the King, her spouse, praying not just for my own salvation, but that of all fallen souls.

None of us has strength in and of ourselves; all our strength comes from Him, but we must be humble enough not just to accept it, but to ASK for it.

"Oh, God, If I have found favor in your sight, please let me speak. Have mercy on me, O Lord, have mercy! I  am all alone and have no one but Thee. Help me O Lord in your goodness. If I have found favor in your sight please hear me and grant my petition.  

I am all alone, and I have no one but Thee."

 (prayer written during Cistercian retreat, based upon the prayers of the fallen Queen Esther) 

Sacred or Profane?

When we as human beings consider Art, whether we recognize it or not, we are faced with two very fundamental questions.

Which question we ask reveals a great deal about us as individuals and in fact, may very well reveal our souls.

Secular art, that is, most especially that art that speaks of the physical world and the reality of humanity, even by its method of creation asks the fundamental question:

 "Where do the shadows fall?  Where does the shadow lie?" 

In that form of art, it begins with light and is darkened to reveal the shadows that give form and nuance to the subject.

Sacred Art, on the other hand, as in, most specifically, Iconography, begins in the darkness and asks the question,


"Where is the light?  From whence does the light emanate? How are we drawn to the light?" 

We should use this as a spiritual barometer. Are we most drawn to the shadows or to the light?

Do you know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to look at the shadows that encroach upon us when we have fixed our gaze upon the source of the light?

That is why the Saints, and Christ Himself, tells us to focus our gaze upon Him, and Him alone, for only if we focus on Him can we avoid the shadows that seek to trap us through misleading questions and lying shadows.

Abandoned at the Foot of the Cross

I sought him whom my soul loves. I sought him but found him not. I called him but he gave no answer." ~ Song of Solomon 3:1

Every so often I have a sense of "abandonment."  It is not loneliness or sadness, but something different, perhaps a sense that words cannot describe. I find that this "mood" is often a catalyst to prayer and contemplation if I take the time to, in a way, enter into it.

I have been working on my second icon; Our Lady of Perpetual Help (or as I prefer, Our Mother of Perpetual Help), and it's a very slow process. This icon is very large, which means it takes much longer to fill in the colors, and I find that, because I am working directly under a ceiling fan, the paint dries out more quickly than I can adequately control, but yet, I often have to pause to wait for my freshest layer to dry before I can continue.

This kind of slow process definitely helps me to remain in prayer, as with each brush stroke, with each repetitive motion I am able to pray for a particular purpose. Maybe it's for help in writing this icon, perhaps for those I know have a devotion to her, perhaps for those I know are grieving.

A friend of mine is still grieving the loss of her dear nephew who was recently killed in an accident. Today we prayed the rosary for him in the chapel, and so today, as I worked on my icon, she, her nephew, and their family remained close to me so that I could offer them to Our Mother of Perpetual Help.

I began to see a connection, then, to my sense of abandonment today. I contemplated this solitude of mine and offered it up in union with Christ in his abandonment on the Cross, and Our Lady when nearly everyone else fled, leaving her to her grief and utter abandonment.  Even though others loved Jesus, even though John and Mary remained with her a the foot of the cross, none could truly enter into her grief; she is the Mother of Sorrows, who invites us to fly to her with our own.

As I worked on filling in her cloak, I considered how often I have left her to her grief, abandoned a the foot of the Cross. I wiped away a mistake when my brush had gone over the line into another color, grimacing at the residue left behind, and considered how my willful sin abandons not just Jesus, but His Mother as she prays at the foot of the Cross, her tears mingling with the blood of her Son.

I thought about how often I had willfully been distracted at Mass, perhaps entertaining other thoughts that took me away from the Holy Sacrifice being made present, and therefore, abandoning Our Lord at the very moment of salvation. How I have added to Our Mother's sorrows by being so distracted!

And still I worked, for I know that in the spiritual life it is important to recognize mistakes and their effects.

It is good for me to recognize how often I have abandoned Our Lord, and it puts my own eerie sense of abandonment into perspective. Perhaps it is proper for me to experience this while working on this particular icon, for the sense becomes a vehicle to deeper prayer and deeper penetration of the Mystery of our Redemption.

Mary always points to Jesus and always draws us to the Cross. She helps us seek and find Him whom our hearts desire.

We are never really abandoned.

"I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares;

I will seek him whom my soul loves.

I sought him and found him not.

The watchment found me, as they went about in the city. 

'Have you seen him whom my soul loves?'

Scarcely had I passed them, when I found him whom my soul loves."

~ Song of Solomon 3:2-4

My First Icon

I have just returned home from an amazing week.

It's also a week that proves that I am among the geekiest of Catholic geeks. Think about it! What do NORMAL people do when they take a week off work? I, personally, don't know. I'm not normal. (Surprise!)

Early Sunday morning I headed into the depths of Wisconsin corn fields to find the Oratory that rose as if planted from the depths of the fruitful land in the midst of Mennonite and Catholic farmland....and there, my "journey" began with a beautiful, contemplative Mass in the Extraordinary Form....

Iconography Reveals the Soul of the Iconographer

Icons are Scripture, which is why they are "written" as opposed to "drawn". Compare the work of an icon to that of the Word of God; when the monks of yore, St. Jerome, for example, bent over the candle at his desk, he sought to copy down EXACTLY what was written before. They wanted, and DID pass on to future generations, even 2,000 years later, what came from Christ Himself and His Apostles.  An Icon is the same; it is ancient, it is Scripture in pictures, in every line, color, shadow, and highlight.

Throughout the week, the icon began to take shape, little by little. It is made by many many thin layers of paint, delicate brush strokes, and in my case, mistakes that had to be covered up!

The icon Sister chose for us to write was Holy Mother of God "Three Handed", and the feast day of this particular icon, in the West, was July 12; the day we actually put paint to the lines.

What began as a mere trace, over the hours and days, slowly took form. It was an experience of Creation, nearly liturgical, for it seemed to me to follow the pattern of Genesis, finding its completion on Friday so that on Saturday, we could rest.

Those familiar with iconography are aware that they also need to be "prayed". I found I often had to "step away" from it and pray, and a few times took it to the chapel to look at it from a distance, evaluate what was needed, re-offer it to God and ask for help, in the words of scripture, to "bring it to perfection."  Indeed, the icon reveals the soul of the iconographer, not just in the lines but in the process itself!

In a humorous moment, however, as the Madonna's face began to clearly emerge, I paused, thinking that something about it looked, well.....very familiar!

Ah, yes; I had unwittingly made the Mother of God into my own image;  I had given her my nose!

So, without further ado, I present to you, my readers, a photo of my very first icon:

Yesterday morning it was placed on the altar at Mass (Extraordinary Form) and blessed. Soon I will begin work on my next icon.

Kibbles and Bits and Bits and Bits

There's a lot going on in my life in spite of the fact I'm done with school.

Work has been insanely busy; I haven't had an actual weekend in maybe 6 weeks or more now, and I won't have a normal weekend this time around, either.  I can't seem to catch a break!  All I want is 2 days off, together. But no; not an option. Not even feasible! And in the meantime I have a couple volunteers directing a program at work and while they're doing incredible work with their talents, one of them seems to think I am her personal assistant and doesn't seem to grasp I'm juggling 10 different programs and hundreds of people and their own "demands."

Yup. God is helping me to grow in patience. I'm failing miserably, by the way and it's only His grace that has kept me from unleashing all the things I want to say but don't.

I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend like you wouldn't believe!

More Bits:

I'm planning a weekend of fun in June, after graduation.

On the discernment-and-supremely-cool front, in early July I'm heading out to visit a monastery where I will be studying iconography for a week and, bonus, living the monastic life while doing so! Given my ongoing discernment, I will be doing a lot of it there, too, even while writing icons in my paint clothes (which for me is my everyday stuff!)

Seriously, if someone is discerning one's vocation, is it even POSSIBLE to turn off the "discern-dar" when in a monastic setting and keeping to the schedule, especially when the community itself is supremely cool?

I'm thinkin' not so much.

No, I won't state where I am going. But I do ask that you keep this community, and me, in your prayers, and God bless their generosity for being willing to put up with me for a week!

Those were the Bits. Here's the Kibbles:

It looks like I'm going to be fostering again.

I received a desperate email from the dog rescue coordinator last night. One of the other coordinators has left the rescue, so she's doing double-duty and has 6 dogs coming in, terrified she won't be able to find foster homes for them in time.  I responded with my situation:  can't afford to do this right now, life is insane and several out-of-town trips coming up. (It's hard enough to find someone to take my dog! My dogsitters have lives, too!)

She guaranteed it would be a short-term emergency-only foster situation to buy her time to find a more permanent foster home, she will provide all food and other necessary expenses (normally foster homes would get the 1st bag with the dog, but all subsequent food is the responsibility of the foster.)

So I gave my conditional "yes" to the terms, and IF she doesn't find a place for the dog, he'll be spending Saturday night and a few days or weeks with my dog and I.

He's a German Shepherd mix, smaller than my dog (mine is pretty small for a Shepherd), he's only 2 and doesn't appear to have the fear/abuse issues my previous foster had. But, being young, I'll have to see which things he has a taste for. Books? Rugs? Furniture? Shoes?  Is he housetrained, kennel-trained, or obedience-trained at all?

Another Bit

For three years, there is a project I have wanted to take on. I asked a few of my professors whether they could explain in further depth a connection I was seeing in scripture, but they couldn't answer. Perhaps they couldn't answer because I couldn't properly formulate my question. As time as progressed, this "question' hasn't left my mind and so I have been waiting until I would finally have the time to pick up the thread and follow where it leads.

I'd rather not reveal the "question" as I have decided I am going to turn it into my first formal work. I am going to delve into scripture in a synthetic study, looking for how the topics are woven through the Bible, how they interrelate, and perhaps bring different disciplines within Theology into play in the final analysis.

Our professors have given us incredible tools for study, especially our scripture professors. I learned how to do synthesis, analysis, and exegesis. In considering this in light of Ecclesiology, of Sacramental theology, moral theology, fundamental theology...everything and more..I look forward to delving into this project.

I have already begun, in fact, to recognize the tools I will need, both practical and theological.

Perhaps this study has already been done. Even so, I think I will do this for perhaps I will still find another connection, another contribution to the study of theology. And if not, if nothing else it will draw me closer to Christ through a study of His Word.

That is always a good thing. Especially if it leads to a deeper conversion and therefore, a growth in holiness.

And boy-howdy, do I have a LOT of growing to do!


P.S:   
Seriously, people if you think you're holy and possess any virtue at all, go to work full-time in a parish. You'll be humbled before you even get a chance to blink and even in your humility you will understand that you aren't humble at all. Not even then.  And no...it never ends. 

Answered Prayer?

This morning I opened up the Office of Readings and immediately my eyes fell upon my favorite antiphon:  "Surrender to God and he will do everything for you."

Recalling my decision from yesterday to do just that I chucked a little. As much as I love that prayer and want desperately to live up to it, I have to admit that, deep down, I don't really trust in that prayer...and therefore I don't really trust God.  I walk up to him with the weight of the world on my shoulders, hand it all over to Him, and as He takes it from me I keep my hands on it. I won't let go. "Just in case".  Because if I let go of it, and it gets dropped and shatters....what will happen to me?

And so I continue to hold on.

I've been, and continue to be, very very concerned about what's going to happen in the next few months. I have time I don't want to waste, but in all honesty, although I am still discerning, I am a bit more focused about what exactly I want to discern, even if only to rule it out definitively. I don't have any intention to "community shop", but I still have to guard against the temptation to do so in the name of "not wasting time."

I have been praying a great deal about what I am being called to do, not just with my life in general, but with my upcoming summer.

Today, I may have received an answer.

In a meeting with my supervisor, she closed the door and told me she had a proposal for me to think about. During the summer I am down to 10 hours per week; that's the contract, and it's brutal.  However, she had gone to our Business Administrator, recognizing that there is a need in the summer for SOMEONE to have more hours, because the youth minister is running ragged with everything she is doing with very little support.

So, the proposal is this:  instead of only 10 hours per week for 6 weeks, they can offer me 25 hours per week, in the interest of assisting the youth minister with her summer events and all the prep that goes into them, and also to further developing the programs we have going on during the school year.

My supervisor knows I'm discerning, and said that they could perhaps structure the hours in a particular way that will allow me the time off I need while still meeting their summer goals.

25 hours won't be enough to save me from bankruptcy, but it might stave it off a little, and, who knows?  Perhaps I'll find a way to make a little money through freelance writing or some other thing.

I told her I would pray about it, but I have only until Friday to make a decision.  I am seriously considering this offer and will probably answer in the affirmative. Often God's will is right in front of us, and perhaps there's more but we have to take Him up on one part before He reveals the rest of His plan.  This may be one of those cases.

Other Plans....

In looking ahead at life without school, I am considering many possibilities in ways to spend my time. I can work on my book, finally, and maybe finish it, then get it to publication.  A friend of mine started to take up writing icons, something I've wanted to do for a few years now, and if I can amass the money for the lessons, I may seek to study under the same person my friend went to.  Or maybe just take an art class, finally, and begin to develop the few skills I have to see if they go any further than a few cheap charcoal drawings.

I have a stack of books I've been wanting to read, and finally, I'll have time to do so! I'll have more time to spend with my dog, and maybe I'll foster another one. God knows the need!

So, although I admit I am facing the near future with a great deal of trepidation, I am looking forward in the light of hope, of knowing there IS  future, and that alone is a gift.

Although vocational discernment is at  the forefront, never far from my thoughts, never apart from my prayers, I am still called to live the life I have been given, and within that, recognize the incredible glory of God in even the simplest of desires.

I really hope, though, that in all of this, both the simple and the profound, I might finally find real trust in God, and finally, when it's time, take whatever leap He is asking me to take, knowing He will never let me fall.

Dear God, give me the grace to trust you.
Amen.

Come, Lord, Do Not Delay

One of the things someone pointed out to me a few years ago, found prominently in both iconography and the writings of the Church Fathers, is the link between the Birth of Christ and His Resurrection.  This is a critical link that many don't understand, for much sacred art showing the Nativity is very misleading:  our Christmas cards show pristine views either in the desert with pretty palm trees on a clear night, or a snowy night much like those we might experience here in Minnesota, surrounding a cute little clean-looking cozy warm stable with angels singing overhead and animals cuddling around on the hay. Or perhaps some other warm-and-cozy scene eliciting feelings of vague pleasure that our secular culture has deemed to be "the Christmas spirit".  

This kind of art, while to the degree that Truth is allowed, can be beautiful and certainly may portray PART of the birth of Christ, unfortunately causes us to miss out on the fact that Our Lord Jesus Christ was born into the shadow of the Cross and in a place proleptic of His Resurrection.  If we are missing this part of the story, it means that our preparation for Christmas during the season of Advent is lacking some focus, which follows, therefore, that we can't fully enter into the joy and celebration of the Christmas season!

The fact is that Jesus was not born in a nice cozy modern stable in a cow's stall (as the popular song proclaims), but rather, in one of the caves the surround Bethlehem, where the shepherds corralled their flocks at night to protect them from predators and the elements.  Just imagine, then, what the FLOOR of that cave must have been like!  Imagine, if you will, what covered the ground, and how deep it must have been!  It's not as if the shepherds had time to design a manure shovel and clean it out and lay down some nice hay for the "guests"!

Jesus was, indeed, born in a cave. One of the nastiest caves on earth.  And where was our Most Precious Infant Savior, our King, laid to rest?  He was laid in a manger, something used to feed animals, which was never cleaned. It in fact, would have been the cleanest place in the entire network of caves, yet there, "clean" would be a relative term, wouldn't it?  That nasty manger would have been lined with the spit of a thousand camels, and never mind the fleas! He was thus born into the very same relativism that personifies even our own culture today, the actual filth of his own age, and this is fitting, isn't it, for He is relevant to all ages, revealing Truth of eternity in a world in which very few awaited or wanted to receive Him.

Jesus was BORN into extreme suffering, and so we see the connection to the Cross, for as the Church Fathers remind us, the wood of the manger is the very same as the wood of the Cross. In the town with a name that meant "House of Bread", the Bread of Life Himself was placed in an animal's feeding trough, and yet, He came not to feed animals, but to feed US with His own Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity...only to die upon the gibbit as a reminder of His own humble beginnings....and our own great Fall into sin.

This is why, in iconography, one can observe the cave through which Christ was born and entered the earth at his Nativity, and the same type of cave through which He left when He rose from the dead in order to overcome the grave for us, restoring our dignity by opening Heaven to so that we could reach our final end:  eternal union with the Holy Trinity.  Just as He arrived, so He left...in every way.

We must remember, in this season of Advent, and as we celebrate Christmas with great joy at the Incarnation, our God become man who came to save us from our sins calls us to follow in ALL His footsteps...all of them.

"Come, Lord, do not delay.
-Free your people from their sinfulness."
~ Liturgy of the Hours, Midafternoon, Third Sunday of Advent

Advent is a time of Preparation, so that we can prepare our hearts to receive the gift of Christ Himself, and in turn, make OURSELVES a gift to Him!

There is no greater gift we can give to Jesus but ourselves.  We must take time in silence, maybe solitude, slow down even as the world speeds up, and realize what is truly important. The readings for most of Advent call us to consider final Judgement, reminding us of our final ends, giving us hope in our eternal beatitude with God, but only if we respond to His grace and work to eliminate sin from our lives. It is a time of darkness and purification, it is a time of confronting temptations and actual sins and vices that keep us from God.  Especially when we consider the filth into which Christ was born, don't we want to be MORE certain of our own purity so that we can receive Him, offering Him the same mercy He provides to us?

If we saw a child lying in filth, wouldn't our first response be to pick him up, cuddle him and hold him close and warm, wrapping Him in pure, clean clothes? Yet, if we were filthy ourselves, wouldn't we hold back so that we would not contaminate Him further?  Would we not first change our OWN clothing so as to ensure that our efforts would not make this child's condition even WORSE?  If we had just come from a sewage pit, covered in the "fruits" of our labors, would we even CONSIDER picking up a child lying in a manger, knowing that the sewage dripping from us would make his own condition filth even WORSE?

I shudder when I recall that I was once one of those who lived in habitual and terrible mortal sin, did not go to Confession, and yet, at Christmas, for many years, I went forward to receive Him, this dear Holy Infant, into the profanity of my body and soul. I took the Christ Child into my own sewage, that of my own sinful soul, far worse than the filth into which He had been born!

Oh, how I shudder now to consider it!  And how I shudder to realize that this happens EVERY DAY, it happens in HUGE numbers every Christmas and Easter when such large numbers of people return to the Church....but go forward to receive Our Lord in such a filthy state!

We should ALL ensure, then, that we are not in denial of our own sin. We should be using Advent as a true time of preparation, and maybe this is difficult. Maybe it's hard to face ourselves and the reality of our own immorality. Maybe we are in darkness because we have a war within us, an interior battle within which we realize we are in bondage to sin...and are unwilling to let go of the chains that bind us.  Maybe we are afraid that if we go to the Sacrament of Confession, especially if it's been a long time, that we can't be forgiven. Do we inflict a "statute of limitations" on ourselves and condemn ourselves even though Jesus calls us to Him through the Sacrament of Penance in order to reconcile us to Him...so that we can receive Him in purity? Do we deny that we NEED the Sacrament of Confession in order to be ABLE to receive Him and be strengthened on this long pilgrimage to Heaven?

Or do we err on the side of sacrilege, approaching the Holy Altar of Sacrifice, having sacrificed nothing of  ourselves, but presuming a place upon our own authority, demanding to be fed at the Table but refusing to partake in the Sacrifice to which we are truly called?

During this time of Advent, maybe in our introspection we are crushed, and finally realize how we have been defeated over and over again, how we have chosen love of some worldly, fleshly pleasure over love of God, preferring what is temporary to what is eternal.  This is not cause for despair! It is a reason to rejoice, for this gift of self-knowledge, while difficult, is the very cave through which we are born again!  It is the very tomb through which we must pass in order to live again!

We MUST see the parallel between the Nativity and the Resurrection, between the Manger and the Cross. We MUST see how, if we are to be conformed to Christ and live out our Baptismal call to Holiness, we have to live out, over and over again in our spiritual lives the cycle of crushing defeat and the darkness in which we are rebuilt, if only we are willing to cooperate with God's grace. We must be crushed, we must die to ourselves in order to learn to turn our wills more perfectly to God.

Christmas isn't just a random celebration, a day off from work, a day to open gifts. It is a day that requires great preparation, for when we celebrate it, we should be offering the gift of ourselves, in purity, in joy, knowing that God has brought us through darkness and into redemption!  Today, on Guaudete Sunday, in the Liturgy of the Hours we pray in recognition of the Redemption! Now, during Advent, we are directed not towards the Nativity, but towards our eternal Salvation!

Rejoice! Persevere through the remainder of this "mini-Lent" and know that your redemption is at hand!

"Let us cleanse our hearts for the coming of our great King, that we may be ready to welcome him; he is coming and will not delay."

Holy Family / Holy Trinity

+ JMJ +

Yesterday during my Adoration hour, I was thrilled to see a small Nativity in the front of the chapel. As I prayed my rosary, I concentrated on this trio and their trials, and the significance of family, especially in these dark days.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

At a very young age, I was taught that these three names were a prayer, all by itself, for the names that make up this family carry salvation for us. They are eternal, for our salvation came from the "YES" of Mary and Joseph, and the sacrifice of that very Infant who grew up to be so obedient in his sacrifical love for His Father's will.

I still remember, on hot, stormy nights, as I cowered under my covers, sweating, terrified and shaking, I prayed these very names, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" Over and over again. And somehow, I was comforted; in spite of the fierce winds outside, the creaking branches of the trees rubbing against the window, and the rain and hail falling hard against the exterior walls, somehow I was able to sleep again, peacefully, held with Jesus in His Mother's arms. I suppose I spent many a night cuddled with the Infant Jesus, although I didn't understand the power of such a simple prayer.

My knowledge and faith have matured over time, and it leads me to sometimes contemplate not only the meaning of the Holy Family, but also of the Holy Trinity; for isn't the child of the Holy Family the Second Person of the Holy Trinity? Is it any mistake that the Holy Family is a reflection of God, for it is the very love of a man and a woman together that produces a child? For it is not the man or the woman alone that brings life; it is love. It is the productive love of a man and woman that is the reflection of God's image. We cannot, then, understand what "family" means unless we seek to understand the profound truth of the Holy Trinity.

I have heard Catholics and non-Catholics alike tell me that the Trinity can't be understood, is not SUPPOSED to be understood, and so we should not even TRY to understand. To those people, I suggest that they contemplate the Holy Family, and ask Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to reveal God to them. Let the Holy Family teach you about the Trinity; they are a living example, humanized for clearer understanding.

Is it exact? No...the Trinity is so profound and infinite that we as human beings cannot ever fathom the depths of God, and it is true that we are not supposed to understand EVERYTHING. Yet, that is not to say we should not seek to understand; for in that seeking, that is were God reveals Himself to us, little by little, beckoning us through trials and purifications, helping us to understand to the degree that we are able.

I just LOVE the Icon of the Holy Trinity, for it has helped me to understand God a little more, and understand the Saints, for the icon reveals so much. It was after some of the symbolism of the icon was explained to me that I finally understood a concept we had briefly come across in class, but the image solidified this tiny comprehension.

The eye naturally follows in a circle beginning at the feet of the person on the left, travels around and ends on the right. Whether our comprehension follows our eye is a different matter, but as an iconologist explained this to me, let us look at the Trinity in this manner.

We see that the heads of the person in the middle and on the right are inclined towards the one on the left in a show of deference. So clearly, the person on the left is God the Father. Just in case we miss this point, his robes of gold convey his Divinity and Person. God the Father is the First Person of the Trinity. We see that the person in the middle is holding out 2 fingers, to indicate to us that He is Jesus, the Second Person of the Trinity. That means that the Person on the right is the personification of the Holy Spirit.

Now that you can identify all of the Persons of the Holy Trinity, trace the line beginning at God the Father's foot. Follow the line of his leg, and as the line continues, up to His eye. His gaze goes straight across to the gaze of the Holy Spirit across from Him. Follow that downward to the foot of the Holy Spirit.

What do you see? A chalice. The chalice contained within the Trinity, that invites us inward to PARTICIPATION in this very Mystery.

Now look at the chalice in the center of the table. It's obvious that this stands for the Blood of Christ. This is further indicated because Jesus Christ is in the center before the chalice, and it makes sense that the chalice is in the center of the table and not His hand...for it is an offering of His blood.

It is through the blood of Christ that we are ABLE to enter into God's presence.

This icon is proleptic of the beautific vision. Do you want to see Heaven? Pray with this Icon...it reveals all that we need to know in our present condition.

Many of the Saints experienced what are called "Ecstasies" and "Trances" and similar things. People observed that, in prayer, they were able to remain completely still, as they were so ABSORBED with God.

Consider this: At Mass, we pray the Nicene Creed, and some of the words say, "We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son."

"Proceeds" is a key word. Have you ever considered what it meant? Look at it again. The Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and the Son.

When the Saints experienced their ecstasies, it is understood by great theological minds that they had been drawn into the Divine Processions...they had entered into the Holy Trinity.

When we look upon this icon, we, too, are drawn into the Divine Processions, visually, and we come to see that this happens through the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ, who paid for our passage. It is the Holy Spirit that INVITES us and conveys this understanding, and God the Father who willed us into being, for Him and Him alone. Yet Jesus had to offer of Himself, ALL of Himself, in order that we might experience eternity with God.

The Holy Family is simply proleptic (indicative of a future reality) of what is to come; it is what we should seek to be here on earth. No, not all of us are called into human unions, however, we ARE called into that same reflection of self-giving love, sacrificial love, which proceeds from...the Trinity.

It is a mistake to avoid contemplating the Trinity; it is a mistake to admonish someone that they aren't SUPPOSED to understand such things. Rather, we should be ENCOURAGING each other to seek God, especially through these most sublime mysteries. We are all called to be Saints, even here on Earth. We are all called to participate in the life of Christ...and what is the Life of Christ but the Eternal Kingdom of God, there, held lovingly in the arms of the Holy Trinity?

Shrine of Our Lady of Perpetual Help

I have cultivated a devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help (or has it been cultivated in me by Our Lady herself?), and today, I made a mini-pilgrimage to a local shrine. I brought many intentions with me, including those of fellow bloggers, so I pray you all receive the blessings and consolations requested through Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

Many of you are likely unfamiliar with this icon, and truly, the icon itself deserves a post of its own, as so much is written into every line, every color, every diagonal and expression. For now, though, simply gaze at this image and allow it to enter your soul, become familiar with it, thus when I post further information about the symbolism, you will have a greater understanding.

The original iconographer is unknown; by legend dating from the 16th Century, it was found in Crete by a merchant who took the icon but gave it away on his deathbed to a Roman friend. Years later Our Lady appeared to his daughter, identifying herself as "Holy Mary of Perpetual Help", indicating that the icon should be placed in the Church of St. Matthew the Apostle.

I will not go into depth as to the other history of the icon, other than to say that, according to "Our Lady of Perpetual Help, the Icon, Favors and Shrines," in 1865, Redemptorist Superior General, Father Nicholas Mauron, petetioned Pope Pius IX to grant the icon to them to be placed in the new Church of the Holy Redeemer, in their care. He granted this request, directing them in his own handwriting, to "Make her known throughout the world!" (p. 14)

At that time in history, the Redemptorists were set spread to all corners of the globe, thus the Pope's directive, and to this day, the image of Our Lady of Perpetual Help remains their responsibility. The icon and devotions have indeed been spread throughout the world as that mission was successfully carried out by the Redemptorists.

A friend recently revealed to me that at her parish, St. Alphonsus in Brooklyn Park, MN, as they are a Redemptorist parish, they have a shrine to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Before she said something, I'd had no idea. St. Alphonsus is only about 15 minutes away from me, maybe less, as I attend a parish in a neighboring city. I wondered why I didn't know a shrine was so close by?

I went online and found the parish's website, but no mention of the shrine. No mention of devotion to OLPH except for a Tuesday morning devotion after Mass. Her icon is in the upper left corner of the web pages, but other than that, it's a bland site with everyday information on the parish itself, what one would expect of an average parish website. Yesterday I called the parish, KNOWING I had to go there to visit the shrine. They explained that the icon is in the main church, which is apparently locked after the Masses. She explained that there is access through the parish office at other times, however. I thanked her and made plans to visit during a time in which I could enter quietly without having to go through the parish office.

I was looking for an unobtrusive visit to Our Lady of Perpetual Help; I did not want to announce my presence to anyone but God and of course anyone else who might be present and have the same desire for quiet, prayerful solitude in contemplation of this image.

This morning I got up earlier than I'd prefer and arrived at St. Alphonsus during the post-Mass rosary. There was only about seven people present, which was surprising to me as my own parish typically has droves of people remaining after daily and Saturday morning Masses to pray the rosary. As I've stated before, I struggle with the rosary, I don't like saying it with a group as I get more distracted than ever when attempting to do so, and so I thanked God for this small group's devotion.

St. Alphonsus is a very modern-styled church, modeled after a thrust-stage theater, an all-too-common design these days. The tabernacle is front and center on the altar, I realized, and did have a red candle lit, which I had not initially seen.

Although the church is quite ugly in appearance, (I'm not a fan of modern church architecture - it emphasizes the people and de-emphasizes God) it does have a few spots of great beauty, that being an alcove housing the baptismal font, a large suspended crucifix, a prie-dieu with an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and another prie-dieu with an image of Divine Mercy. Off to the far right side of the sanctuary is the icon of Our Lady of Perpetual help, surrounded by large vigil candles in blue and red, flowers, and about five prie-dieus in a half-circle around it.

I quietly walked around the small rosary group, again thanking God for their devotion, and knelt in front of the image. I actually saw a few things today I had not previously seen in the icon, and something else, too, in her expression.

Look at the icon: see the eyes, see the expression. At first the expression may seem bland, as it did to me when I first saw this image. Yet the more I look at it, the more I see in the total context and theological truth of it. I've been struck again and again at the communication in her eyes; they are wise, consoling, sorrowful, resigned, loving, tranquil...all that, at once. I have this icon on my wall at home and gaze upon it and pass by it frequently. I have actually seen reproach in her eyes!

But today, as I knelt there before her, she seemed to be smiling, her eyes had a loving gaze, if sorrowful and wise and consoling, but there was a joy I had not noticed before. I had not seen the "smile" before this and I was actually surprised.

I did not light a candle today, but I will be back with one. I looked around for a box for donations, for candles to light, and it seems that one either needs to request a candle from the parish office or bring one's own. As these are large novena candles, I can understand why they are not immediately available as they are far more costly than small vigil lights, not something to have on the "honor system". In the prie-dieu there is an alcove with a couple fliers; one is a little prayer card to Our Lady for vocations to the Redemptorists, and another is a prayer to Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

I would have thought that the shrine would also have something like a brochure or a sign explaining the history and devotion to Our Lady through this icon, but there was nothing. Finally I did find a small placque behind the candles, and as the candle holders are fixed in place, I was not able to read what it said. It seemed to indicate that candles were available in the parish office, but it seemed there was more on the sign that could not be read. I did observe a sign pointing to the parish office, but as I was in a pensive mood, I chose not to visit the office today. Perhaps next time, or I would bring my own candle to light.

I would encourage local Catholics to visit this shrine and do your own part to help renew devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. In my opinion and through what I saw today, St. Alphonsus is not doing enough; they are not fulfilling their directive to make her known. Yes, they have placed the icon in a shrine in the church, but that's not "making her known" ~ not outside the parish, anyway. Had my friend not told me about the presence of this shrine, I would not have known about it. I spoke to a priest I know today, and he didn't know about it, either. I'm sure if I polled many faithful Catholics, they wouldn't have any idea.

The website at St. Alphonsus has an email for comments and suggestions, so I will be writing to suggest they do a better job of promoting devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Her feast day is June 27, and according to the bulletin, St. Alphonsus will be doing something special on that day.

If you are local, consider making your own pilgrimage to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, bring a large novena candle insert (they can be purchased at Catholic stores and gift shops or buy one at St. Alphonsus, and bring your intentions. This is a miraculous image, and has been so throughout history. Perhaps contained between her hands and the hands of the child Jesus, your own miracle is hidden, waiting only for your presence and your heartfelt request.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Pray for us!



Source for posted info:

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, The Icon, Favors, and Shrines, prepared by a team of Redemptorist Missionaries in Rome, Ligouri Publications, 2002.

For more information:

www.cssr.com

Icons

I am falling in love with Icons. I just can't help myself. I didn't used to like them. Sure, they had artistic interest, but there is something about them that, of late, has been drawing me inward, giving me some kind of depth of understanding that I cannot possibly explain. I think only another lover of Icons could understand what I mean by this.

I found the one above via Crescat.


I've also fallen in love with the Icon of Our Lady of Perpeutal Help. I'm not sure this one is the original, as there are several versions of it, but I recently read about the meaning and it so captured my heart that I had to find a copy. I did find one of the "descendants" of the original icon, a little cheap version on a piece of wood, but eventually I would like to find a good copy of the original. All are beautiful. All seem to draw me into a far deeper understanding of the mystery of the Incarnation, of Mary's fiat, and of her Motherhood to us all.

Our Lady of Perpeutal Help, pray for us!