Seriously, why does the question of "skirts versus pants" bring out all the insane extremists from all corners?
Some of you may recall the post I wrote some time ago, Real Women Wear Kevlar. (If you're unfamiliar with it, go check it out so you can get the proper background on what I'm going to say next. And yes, I will know if you only skimmed over it because your comments will be typically insane, much like what poor Simcha experienced with her tongue-in-cheek posts!).
So! Here is my solution to the pants vs skirts debate:
There are those who would argue that pants are "immodest" and one really "you have to work hard to be this creepy" suggestion was that on a woman, pants "create an arrow to her crotch".
OK, what if that has merit? Let's consider that, for after all it is the extreme! And it is related to the claim that pants in general induce men to lust after strange women. (Never mind if he's that fickle he's the one who is strange and sick.)
On the other hand, there are those who claim skirts are immodest and another creepy suggestion was that skirts provide "easy access" and therefore, incite men to lust.
Now, we are excluding from this conversation things such as painted-on pants that are tighter than skin, and we are excluding rubber-band skirts that are shorter and tighter than underwear. I think we can ALL agree that these things are not fit to be worn in public unless covered by a burqua.
OK? OK then.
Ladies, for your fashion pleasure and for the safety of men who apparently feel entitled to "enjoying your beauty" such that they forget about "custody of the eyes" being a part of THEIR responsibility, let me offer you a line of clothing that will satisfy everyone on all extremes!
First, we will have a cotton-lined, Kevlar-covered iron chastity belt. The covering over the iron will allow "breatheability" but we'll also be using a new, revolutionized process to create it out of ironwood with a lead core, ensuring that even the strongest of chainsaws cannot cut through it!
A special code will be programmed into it (in the most modest possible area) allowing for replacement, cleaning (only with a team of handmaids to protect privacy) and of course, upgrades and adjustment for size.
Married ladies will have a model that will allow only one person to have the code, that being her husband. He'll never have to worry that she'll cheat on him again!
Now, for those ladies who prefer pants to skirts, the armor worn by the Knights of yore would work very well. The addition to be made is a longer "skirt" of metal to cover down to the knees, but designed in such a way that she won't even realize that she's wearing anything resembling a skirt!
And the good news is that there will be no need of worrying about whether the pants are too tight or if they reveal too much, because metal is opaque! And...no worries about "plumber butt" with those problems we ALL have with buying pants: you know, if it fits in the hips it's monstrous in the waist, so if we sit down we reveal our butt-tattoos!
Bah! Those days are OVER with Pants of Armor (tm)!
These warm, comfortable Pants of Armor come in different sizes and with different types of inner padding, or, for you mothers, outer padding or spray-on coatings to ensure that your wet, sticky children don't become inextricably stuck to you on those frigid winter days. On the flipside, if that's the best way to get them to go somewhere, you can carry them around hands-free!
Now, for you ladies who prefer skirts, the solution is, of course, the Chain Maille option! The Chain Maille is handmade, lined with Kevlar and cotton, although it comes with a hair-shirt option for the most serious and penitential.
The delicate chain work flows quite naturally but as it clinks against your chastity belt, it will remind all men anywhere in your vicinity that you are most certainly not "easy" and, in fact, given that you're wearing armor, you can easily brain the nearest overzealous suitor with simply a practiced swish of your skirt!
Then let me advocate for you the fitness benefits of this clothing line!
You know how easy it is to gain weight in that simple, light fabric we're so used to in this day and age. Everything "stretches", allowing us to "let ourselves go". Not armor! Not only does it squeeze everything in, making it impossible to breathe or eat if we gain too much weight, but on hot days it becomes a sauna, helping to sweat off the pounds! Besides, given that each clothing item weighs anywhere from 15 to 80 pounds each, you'll have the strength of ten Wonder-Women within a week of wearing it!
Say goodbye to those expensive and prohibitive Health Club or Spa memberships - YOU WON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE!
Objection: I can't wear chain maille - I don't shave my legs!
Answer: That's OK! If you leave off the Kevlar leggings for only a day, you'll never have to shave your legs again! The Chain Maille acts much like a day at the spa, but without all the heat, wax and immodesty! Simply walk or move about as your normally would, or even when sitting in your chair you'll find that the maille will be able to reach even the most difficult places! The Chain Maille used on the inside layer of the skirt is the finest and most delicate and you won't even notice when the inside of the skirt turns into a hair-skirt! Great for wear during Lent and Ember Days and all Fridays throughout the year especially when your legs are smooth as a baby's butt!
So! There you have it! Are you ready to make your purchase?
Ladies, whether you prefer pants or skirts, once you're clad in armor, you can be seen as "easy on the eyes" without ever been seen as "easy" ever again!