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Friday, September 17, 2010

Real Women Wear...

So this week, I was really scandalized to read "Pants - A Manifesto", followed by "Pants Pass", although not the posts themselves, but all the insane (and some insanely hifreakinlarious) comments from extreme crazies all over the interwebs.

Seriously, why does the question of "skirts versus pants" bring out all the insane extremists from all corners?

Listen up, y'all, I have a solution to this that should put an end to this "debate" once and for all! 

Some of you may recall the post I wrote some time ago, Real Women Wear Kevlar.  (If you're unfamiliar with it, go check it out so you can get the proper background on what I'm going to say next. And yes, I will know if you only skimmed over it because your comments will be typically insane, much like what poor Simcha experienced with her tongue-in-cheek posts!).

So! Here is my solution to the pants vs skirts debate:


There are those who would argue that pants are "immodest" and one really "you have to work hard to be this creepy" suggestion was that on a woman, pants "create an arrow to her crotch".

OK, what if that has merit? Let's consider that, for after all it is the extreme!  And it is related to the claim that pants in general induce men to lust after strange women. (Never mind if he's that fickle he's the one who is strange and sick.)

On the other hand, there are those who claim skirts are immodest and another creepy suggestion was that skirts provide "easy access" and therefore, incite men to lust.

Now, we are excluding from this conversation things such as painted-on pants that are tighter than skin, and we are excluding rubber-band skirts that are shorter and tighter than underwear. I think we can ALL agree that these things are not fit to be worn in public unless covered by a burqua.

OK?  OK then.

So! Armor it is!

Ladies, for your fashion pleasure and for the safety of men who apparently feel entitled to "enjoying your beauty" such that they forget about "custody of the eyes" being a part of THEIR responsibility, let me offer you a line of clothing that will satisfy everyone on all extremes!


First, we will have a cotton-lined, Kevlar-covered iron chastity belt. The covering over the iron will allow "breatheability" but we'll also be using a new, revolutionized process to create it out of ironwood with a lead core, ensuring that even the strongest of chainsaws cannot cut through it!

A special code will be programmed into it (in the most modest possible area) allowing for replacement, cleaning (only with a team of handmaids to protect privacy) and of course, upgrades and adjustment for size.

Married ladies will have a model that will allow only one person to have the code, that being her husband. He'll never have to worry that she'll cheat on him again!


Now, for those ladies who prefer pants to skirts, the armor worn by the Knights of yore would work very well. The addition to be made is a longer "skirt" of metal to cover down to the knees, but designed in such a way that she won't even realize that she's wearing anything resembling a skirt!

And the good news is that there will be no need of worrying about whether the pants are too tight or if they reveal too much, because metal is opaque! worries about "plumber butt" with those problems we ALL have with buying pants:  you know, if it fits in the hips it's monstrous in the waist, so if we sit down we reveal our butt-tattoos!

Bah! Those days are OVER with Pants of Armor (tm)!

These warm, comfortable Pants of Armor come in different sizes and with different types of inner padding, or, for you mothers, outer padding or spray-on coatings to ensure that your wet, sticky children don't become inextricably stuck to you on those frigid winter days. On the flipside, if that's the best way to get them to go somewhere, you can carry them around hands-free!


Now, for you ladies who prefer skirts, the solution is, of course, the Chain Maille option! The Chain Maille is handmade, lined with Kevlar and cotton, although it comes with a hair-shirt option for the most serious and penitential.

The delicate chain work flows quite naturally but as it clinks against your chastity belt, it will remind all men anywhere in your vicinity that you are most certainly not "easy" and, in fact, given that you're wearing armor, you can easily brain the nearest overzealous suitor with simply a practiced swish of your skirt!

Still not convinced?  

Then let me advocate for you the fitness benefits of this clothing line!

You know how easy it is to gain weight in that simple, light fabric we're so used to in this day and age. Everything "stretches", allowing us to "let ourselves go".  Not armor! Not only does it squeeze everything in, making it impossible to breathe or eat if we gain too much weight, but on hot days it becomes a sauna, helping to sweat off the pounds! Besides, given that each clothing item weighs anywhere from 15 to 80 pounds each, you'll have the strength of ten Wonder-Women within a week of wearing it!

Say goodbye to those expensive and prohibitive Health Club or Spa memberships - YOU WON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE!

But WAIT!  There's MORE!

Objection:  I can't wear chain maille - I don't shave my legs!

Answer:  That's OK!  If you leave off the Kevlar leggings for only a day, you'll never have to shave your legs again! The Chain Maille acts much like a day at the spa, but without all the heat, wax and immodesty!  Simply walk or move about as your normally would, or even when sitting in your chair you'll find that the maille will be able to reach even the most difficult places!  The Chain Maille used on the inside layer of the skirt is the finest and most delicate and you won't even notice when the inside of the skirt turns into a hair-skirt! Great for wear during Lent and Ember Days and all Fridays throughout the year especially when your legs are smooth as a baby's butt!

So! There you have it!  Are you ready to make your purchase?

If so, just go to and buy your new clothing line today! 

Ladies, whether you prefer pants or skirts, once you're clad in armor, you can be seen as "easy on the eyes" without ever been seen as "easy" ever again! 

Call 1-888-MODESTARMOR today


Kelly said...

Brilliant! :D

Dr. Sanders said...

Nice. This post is missing only one thing: a picture of St Joan of Arc!

Adoro said...

Kelly ~ This post is dedicated to YOU for your suggestion I offer something "balanced"!

Equus nom veritas ~ Well, I had her in mind the entire time...but admit I didn't google a pic of her.

Do you have any handy I can upload?

owenswain said...

I read the original post linked via Betty Duff's blog and a number of the comments and then went into hiding for a day or so to design something for men: Solid steel blinders. While a bit heavy the great thing is that unlike horse blinders (please we men are not mere animals) mine not only cover the sides but the front entirely. Think old person sunglasses for driving - you know the kind - but made of solid steel, no mesh, no openings anywhere. Sure, they are a bit on the heavy side but they are great because you can't see a damn thing and, if you can't see, you can't sin.

Might be best to refrain from wearing them while operating a motorized or non motorized vehicle.

P.S. I tried them today and one women yelled out "Sexy shades" - damn!

ck said...

Back when I used to dress like a hooker and was going through a spiritual crisis I opened up a random book at the local shrine (the one we took you to) that said Padre Pio said women shouldn't wear pants and I think I nearly fainted on the spot. It confirmed all my suspicions that if I looked into the real teachings of the faith, I would be asked to be Amish. Obviously I figured out that there was a mountain of wonderful, rational faith I had never been taught, but the pants thing does haunt me from time to time. I can understand the argument that unisex clothes undermines the differences between the sexes, and it is perverse for a man to wear a dress, but I'm not worrying my pretty little head about it. Besides, men in jeans draw my eye, but I don't think a skirt is the solution.

paramedicgirl said...

Maybe the focus should shift to tops. It's fashionable now to show as much cleavage as possible. Most girls and women walk around with half their shirt missing - the top half, of course. Their breasts are hanging out for all the world to see, at work, in the street, and of course, even at Church.

It's time to move beyond the skirt versus pants issue and tell the female population (as my husband says) to "put those things away"!

Adoro said...

Paramedicgirl ~ With these armor fashion lines, there's no such thing as "cleavage"! The kevlar bodice works nicely with either the skirt or "pants" and leaves absolutely EVERYTHING to the imagination! And the delicate chain maille blouses drape nicely and in a very feminine fashion.


I keep TELLING people Armor is the way to go but my goodness, y'all insist on debating what isn't being debated here because it's become irrelevant!

OK, so...who's first to buy their armor clothing???


ignorant redneck said...

ck--a kilt is not a skirt! And I am proud to have worn them!

Custody of the eyes? I try...really, i do. Well..sometimes.

Larry Denninger said...

Adoro - you deserve this badge. Congratulations!

Adoro said...

Larry ~ Thanks, I'll add it to this very fashionable post!


Dr. Sanders said...

On the Joan of Arc pic (sorry for a late response): I have one, but don't know how to get it to you. Then there's this one I found from google:

Which is awesome because she appears to be wearing, simultaneously, armor--including armored pants--AND a skirt! I think everybody wins with that one...

Miria Rose said...

I greatly enjoyed reading your post. :)

~Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.