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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Sweet relief..but the battle ain't over

The Saga continues.

The comments left on my previous post made me cry this morning, because I realized they were right....I needed to go to Confession again. We aren't designed to fight such battles alone, and God will "recharge" us if we but come to Him with even a shred of humility and ask for His forgiveness.

And today was another bad one, so I KNEW I had to go and be reconciled.

This evening after I had cared for my dogs, I headed out to my parish. We are very very priviledged; it is a large parish and so we have three Daily Masses, and Confessions after each Mass unless announced otherwise.

Tonight was the bi-annual mass-Reconciliation night, which we have during Christmas week and during Holy Week, or the week just preceeding. So from about 1:00 pm to 9 pm tonight, there are multitudes of priests available to hear confessions, and folks, let me tell you...when I arrived at about 6:15 pm tonight, that parking lot was FULL, and the lines were LONG! PRAISE GOD!

But I got into line anyway made my confession to a priest I've never met. Went face-to-face tonight, cried, and then still made it to Mass.

What a blessed evening! But I know that the battle isn't won yet. Tonight was the last opportunity for Confessions until after Christmas, after which the regular Confession schedule will resume. So I really need to keep it together this time. Really.

I've been struggling with prayer, especially in those difficult moments, and those, of course, are the most necessary moments. So tomorrow I will return to work for one more day, do what I can, do my best to be the light of Christ to the world, and I have determined that if I can't do that, then I'll just hide under my desk until it's all over, just so I don't have a repeat of the last two days.

That should be sufficient.

And Friday...blessed day off, which I requested and recieved on Monday, because other than Christmas day, we have no other time off. And I don't think I can take another day this week.

God help me. Please.


Anonymous said...

Have you ever been to a psychologist or psychiatrist? I'm wondering if some of this extreme and clearly exhausting kind of volatility might be indicative of some kind of compulsive disorder or depression, and thus possibly relieved or aided by medication. I have noticed this throughout your posts, and would like to encourage you to seek professional help.

Anonymous said...

God will give the grace! KEEP ON keepin' on!

Adoro said...

Anon 1 ~ Clearly you are missing the point of my posts, additionally I suspect that you may not understand Catholic spirituality?

A person suffering from persistent mental illnesses such as dysthymia, depression, or various anxiety disorders are not able to do what I do every single day. I am extremely familiar with the Axis II and III diagnoses, the criteria for them, and can assure you that the only "help" I need is from God, from the Sacraments of Confession and the Holy Eucharist.

Medication doesn't fight spiritual battles, which is what has been the problem this week.

Additionally, if I were truly suffering from a psychiatric illness, I would not be able to drag my sorry rear end out of bed in the morning to go continually to a job I hate, but which I happen to excell in, nor would I be able to continually face the trials life throws at all of us.

People who are depressed cannot pick themselves up and move on...people who are healthy and facing trials find their courage in the Lord, their strength in the Sacraments (if Catholic Christians), and keep plodding on.

It is not depression to recognize that life is difficult at times and to express those difficulties in an online journal mostly read by other Catholics who understand those very same trials.

I do thank you for your concern, but I would like to encourage YOU not to jump to conclusions on the basis of 2 posts, posted on 2 of the most difficult and trying days I've suffered in a very long time.

*** Additional note: "Crying" doesn't always refer to tears of sadness...tears are often shed during true repentance, which is very healing, and in complete joy. ******

God bless you, Anon.

Anon 2 ~ KEEPIN' ON! GOD IS SO GOOD! :-)

Anonymous said...

Adoro I found your writing about Confession very helpful, though I am amazed you can 'put it all out there' in the public forum of the internet. I don't find it so easy to put things into words.
You haven't quite convinced me to get along to confession... I am not in that "faith space". But you have inspired me with how the graces of the sacrament can be so healing.
PS Sorry if this is a 'double comment' - had trouble with blogger

Adoro said...

Kiwi ~

Well, it's not "ALL out there", but the reason I do write about it in general terms is because when I was "coming back" to the Church my hurdle was Confession, too. I had many reasons. In my case, though, the biggest was fear. But I read other people's experiences over the course of a couple months in different internet forums, and their testimonies gave me courage. I asked questions, they gave me answers and much encouragement, and finally I went.

Kiwi, if you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me. I promise I won't beat you over the head and tell you GO TO CONFESSION with every other line. :-) I know what it's like to be hesitant, to not be convinced that it's "necessary", and to just not want to go. And you know what? I NEVER want to go, but it's something that is so needed, and actually REQUIRED by the Church. But remember that God knows our hearts, He knows our struggles, and He is infinitely patient. God will never force us to do anything, but will only extend His hand and wait for us to let go of whatever we are holding on to so that we can be free to respond to Him.

Really, if you have any questions, please send me a note if you'd prefer to keep it out of the com boxes.

my e-mail is:

God bless you!

Cathy_of_Alex said...

Anon: Adoro has sought professional help: God. So have I.

Adoro said...

Thank you Cathy.

Indeed, God is the professional of professionals.

Anon clearly has no idea what he/she is talking about and to even suggest such a thing on a blog is either troll-like malice or simple ignorance. In all charitibility, I prefer to lean towards "ignorance", although ignorance is not an excuse for such an accusation.

I doubt anon 1 is the type to return. I pray for people like that because I think I was there once, too. And when I was studying psychology, I was guilty of making inappropriate "diagnoses" as well.

Well, most people learn, eventually. Those who don't become the people characters in shows like "Six Feet Under" are based upon. (for those who know what I'm talking about, think Brenda's parents).

Anonymous said...

Adoro, I have been trying to reply for a few days, but I am in beta, and at present can't comment on non-beta blogs.... but I will try again!
My problem is more one of lack of faith than of 'questions". but I thank you for your offer.
Kiwi Nomad 2006

Adoro said...

Kiwi ~ Ahh...the infamous "beta" problem. Yeah, for awhile I couldn't comment on beta blogs. I haven't been given an option to switch over as of yet.

I will pray that you recieve the gift of Faith...because it IS a gift of God. All we have to do is to be open and receptive to the gift, and that's the hard part, because faith is also an act of the will. But even that act of the will requires God's grace.

God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Switching to beta... they seem to be giving that option to anyone on the sign-in homepage at present... at least on the version of the homepage I am getting!

And Phew.... I seem to be able to comment on non-beta blogs again as of today.
Merry Christmas from New Zealand where it is already Christmas morning!