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Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sex and the Single Life

I'm going to be totally honest with you. That title, while relevant to the topic at hand, was really just to get your attention.

If you want to know what I think about sex, you can check it out here.

In a few days, I am going to be one year older. I'm not going to give you my age, but suffice to say I am over 30 and we'll leave it at that. I have to admit I'm a little depressed about the whole getting older thing.

A long time ago I thought I would be married like my Mom and have kids, like my Mom. I played with dolls and I talked about how "when I have kids I'll never make them eat vegetables."

Well, not only am I not married, but I'm not a mother (planning to do things in order), and my ideas about parenthood have drastically changed. For example...I WOULD make my kids eat their vegetables or no dessert.

I used to look forward to my next birthday. It meant I was getting bigger, I was getting closer to sitting at the adult tables at large family gatherings, and that I would be taken seriously like my older cousins. Getting older was equated with finding my husband, getting married, and being able to join the discussions with the aunts and uncles and talking about how "he is being promoted with his company, and this will allow us to build the new addition to our house..." etc.

Those days have never arrived, and the older I get, the more I realize that it may never happen. There is a stereotype out there that guys should avoid women in thei 30's who have never been married. There is a stereotype out there that dictates that those of us who don't "put out" or "give it up" are not worthy of a second glance. How could they know to buy the cow without trying out all of her paces.

I, for one, am tired of being compared to a heifer. I am not for sale, I don't have any "wares" and no, you cannot touch without a binding and non-refundable "purchase."

Modern feminism has done nothing but disrupt the moral fabric of society and the scary thing is that too many women my own age have bought into their lies hook, line, and sinker, and this has completely disrupted the natural order of things.

Instead of being respected and pursued for the purpose of marriage, women are objectified and pursued for sex in as many ways and places as possible. Men are not allowed to be men...they are told to be "tolerant" and they are punished if they do not behave in a feminine manner. How ridiculous is this? Not that I encourage men to be cave men, but the reality is that good men need to stand up and be men. We need men to be leaders, we need men to be heads of households rather than weasly, obsequious sidekicks to power hungry feminazis.

But I digress, as usual. You see, I am a woman and that is one of the quirky things about women that will never change...we go off on tangents, we change our minds, and yes, we are emotionally driven more than practically driven.

Ok, that was tangent number two. Now, moving back to the original point...I used to look forward to getting older. Somewhere around 25 or 26, I decided that I was not going to have any more birthdays...I was at a great age. I was healthy, I was fit, I was active in many things and I was able to still stay awake for my night shift, my half-day volunteer work, and if I was off that day, for the rest of the day until a fun night out with the girls. And after a good night's sleep until roughly 10 am, I would be up as though nothing had happened. I knew that would change so I decided not to age.

But age I have...I have the beginnings of crow's feet. I have silvery-gray hair starting in the front, destined to become an Elvira-streak. (Thank God that it seems to be the pretty silver of my grandmother's hair). I am beginning to resemble the rest of my family in shape and texture and line and format...and that is disturbing, and even depressing.

I always thought that by the time I was 30, I would be married, be established in a great career, and own a home complete with a barn, a pasture, and horses.

Well, when I hit 30, I did purchase a townhome, I have 2 dogs, but no husband, no barn, no horses, and no pasture. I can go out and sit in the grass in my "yard", but it's usually too cluttered with the neighbor's daughter's toys for me to pretend for even a moment that I'm in a pasture. That, and the fact that I would not sit down in a pasture. Have you ever experience one? Not real conducive to sitting in contemplation, in reality.

Now, my friends reading this will see this post as it really is...just a bunch of self-indulgent whining, and I plead guilty. But at the same time, those who have been here know what it's like (maybe) and will understand the need to vent a little bit about what I don't have.

I don't mean to say that I'm not blessed...I am very blessed...after all, I own my own home. I have 2 awesome dogs, and I have great friends. I have a good job, and I have excellent credit! In taking a step back, I know I have more than my Mom ever hoped for on my behalf, and I have no right to complain.

But as I knelt in Adoration in the chapel, I could not help but listen to the carefully choreographed wedding taking place in the main sanctuary, and I wondered...will I forever be the solitary woman kneeling in prayer, waiting for her soulmate on the fringe of the endless weddings taking place next door? Am I bound to an eternity of waiting for a spouse who may never materialize, always on the outskirts of those fortunate enough to have found The One?

Or am I completely missing the point?


Unknown said...

Happy Birthday, Adoro!

I love you, your friends love you, and most importantly, God loves you so much that he died for you.

And you maybe one of the most honest bloggers out there! Millions, including me, can't write like that! Even though we think it.

ChezNiki said...

Im not Catholic, (Im Baptist) but I struggle with the same issue. Im almost forty, never married, no kids...this is a real faith issue for me. I am extremely blessed in other areas of my life and I dont want to question God, but I also dont want to die alone or be childless...I want a family, I dont understand why I cant have one.

Adoro said...

Thank you, Ray.

And ChezNiki, I feel your pain! I'm quite certain there is nothing wrong with either your nor me, but there is a LOT wrong with the culture we have grown to survive. The only thing we can do is unite in our love of the Lord and continue to work to do His will.

I'm not sure if you are familar with Catholic teaching at all, but we have a belief that suffering has value in God's eyes. We have a term to cover this which you may have heard; "Offer it up". We offer our pain in union with the suffering and death Christ endured for us, and in doing so, we both come to better understand His passion, and we join with him by embracing our own crosses.

There's a lot more to this belief, but that's it in a tiny nutshell. You and I have this cross to carry but have no fear...God knows us, he knows our hearts, and He will always be with us. Perhaps He is even closer to those of us who are single for He knows we have no one else to depend upon day after day.

Come to think of it, I guess being single is a HUGE blessing! :-)

Sorry, I tend to ramble. God bless you abundantly, ChezNiki, and may He lead you to the One. I will add you to my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand how you feel. I´ve been there. But keep things in perspective. Think of those who convert after marrying, but their spouses don´t. One feels awfully alone especially when trying to live one's faith concerning natural family planning, raising the children to love God and his commandments, protect them from the evil in the world all the while at odds with one´s partner who thinks you're crazy.

That too is a cross to bear with many trips the confessional in tears with how to deal with the spouse who doesn't understand.
I don´t have any children (we haven´t been gifted with any--but I am a teacher which eases the pain somewhat) so I try to focus on God´s plan for me, and not what I think I should have. (I too thought I´d have a happy family and be living in the suburbs).

Once I take the focus off of me, I can live my life more freely (and happily) for God.

Cathy_of_Alex said...

Happy Birthday, Adoro! I'm in the same situation;though I'm pushing 40. When I start to bemoan my single state I remember that God has a plan for me. Maybe I will always be single. I think of 1 Corinthians 7:34: "The virgin-indeed any unmarried woman-is concerned with things of the Lord, in pursuit of holiness in body and spirit. The married woman, on the other hand, has the cares of this world to absorb her and is concerned with pleasing her husband."

Think of all the good you do with the personal testimony on your blog. Certainly, you have helped me. If you were married, with children, would you have the time?

Adoro said...

Anon, thank you for your wise perspective and your reminder! God bless you!

Cathy - with you, I'm preaching to the choir? When we first "met" you had already converted!

I do hope that I am doing something good for someone on this little-known blog, and only the Lord will reveal that to me on judgment day (along with my sins of omission! *shudder*). Thank you for saying I have helped you...that means a great deal to me.

Honestly, I don't know if I would have the time to blog if I was married and had children, but then again, I am an aspiring writer so the larger question would be...were would my writing energies be expressed? I will forever write, but the answer as to where and who it will affect may always change.

I hope and pray that my words lead souls toward, and not away from Jesus.

God bless you, dear friend1

Cathy said...

Happy birthday, ya spring chicken!

(Excellent post, as usual. You're such a sweet writer.)

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I do hope that I am doing something good for someone on this little-known blog.

I, for one, can vouch for the fact that you are. I just recently discovered your site and find it to be an inspiring wealth of information since I am just now discovering Catholicism. In fact, the passing comment you made above about "offering up" your suffering gave me a much greater understanding of the issue than I'd had before.

You may have covered this before (again, I'm a new reader), but have you considered online dating, perhaps through a Catholic site? My husband and I know at least six couples (just the ones I can think of off the top of my head) who met online and they all have fantastic relationships. One of them just came over for dinner last night, the wife was 36 when they started dating.

Or perhaps that isn't God's plan for your life? Perhaps you're meant to be a voice for those of us who are so overwhelmed with daily life with marriage/kids that we're not able to talk to others about our faith as much as we'd like.

You'll be in my prayers.

Adoro said...


Thank you for your prayers and your uplifting comment! All I can say is PRAISE GOD! If I have done anything to help lead others to Him, then it is the Holy Spirit using my fingers to type. :-) Glad to offer that!

I have used online dating and I'm a member of one now, but it's slow going. I'm not like other women so sometimes I think maybe I scare men away (I'm not a troll, or anything, or a mutant--I just am not like other women! *shrug*).

I have considered religious life, and who knows? Maybe that "call" will come back again. (Top of my list: Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist).

Or maybe you're right...maybe God just wants me to focus. I'll tell you a secret...I'm still learning our faith, and that's why I'm so excited about it. You know how it discover something beautiful and you want to share it with everyone! And that's what I'm doing. And when that beauty is threatened by outside forces who seek to corrupt the beauty, then you want to defend it...thus my more ranting posts.

Jennifer, are you in full Communion with the Church now, or a revert, or convert from another faith? Can you share your story?

God bless you and welcome both to my blog AND ESPECIALLY Home to the Church! :-)

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday :) My our Lord bless you :)

Anonymous said...

And i like your post. You made a good point.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Adoro! I love your blog - you are practical yet inspiring! (two things I wish I was!) Keeping you in my prayers.


Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

Jennifer, are you in full Communion with the Church now, or a revert, or convert from another faith? Can you share your story?

Glad you asked! No, I am not yet in communion with the Church. I am starting RCIA in the fall. I was a vociferous, "evangelical" atheist my whole life until I got a clue and decided to open my mind to the truth wherever it may lead me. Never, ever in my dreams did I think it would lead me to the Catholic Church. (I ended up here in large part thanks to the readers of my old blog).

Since my story is not yet finished I don't have a nice, neat conversion story, but that's a bit of the background. My only regret these days is that I wasn't raised in the Church. Since embracing the Roman Catholic Church I've experienced peace and fulfillment and, well, God in ways that I could have never imagined.

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

One more thing - I was re-reading the archives on my old site and I think this post is the closest thing I have to a conversion story right now in case you're interested. :)