Real Women Wear Kevlar

I don't know what made me think of this stuff, but this blog is in need of humor so here it is. Maybe I'm the only one to think it funny, but let me assure you, at the time it was just plain weird and unexpected. And I STILL think it's funny, even as I'm grateful for the seriousness of it.

Back in 1996 around this time, the dog days of summer, I was preparing to enter into what I thought was to be my career in Law Enforcement. I'd completed my background investigation, during which the investigators officially determined I was a REALLY boring person after verifying it with almost ALL the people who knew me. So I'd been called to the location of my future employer several times in order to complete paperwork, was sent to a couple uniform specialty stores to order my uniforms and patches, and went to the gun range to practice and hopefully "qualify" with the .45 Smith & Wesson I'd be required to carry on duty.

Well, I went about these trips to the Twin Cities from two hours away as required. It was interesting; I found it ironic that the uniform shops were found in the most urban areas, one of which was located on the infamous Hennepin Avenue (Uptown area), and the other on the ghetto street, Broadway Ave N. of Minneapolis, home, even to this day, of frequent street shootings and murders.

(Actually, in my last job, only blocks from the uniform shop, I witnessed a drug deal taking place before my very eyes, right there in the open air in broad daylight of...noon.)

But I digress. I remember finding the store, parking in the lot in back, and thinking of how embarrassing it would be for the future rookie to be mugged between the car and the store at 2:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday.

It was weird being there. I was surrounded by Police and Fire uniforms, and others of these professions were consulting with various store employees, who were obviously very knowledgeable about what each needed specific to their departments. I was only 22, and felt like a stranger in this store; I didn't belong there. 

I felt like a little kid in a grown-up shop waiting for my Dad to come in to make his purchase.

I remember standing up very straight and trying to look official and professional, knowing I looked like a rookie, knowing that THEY knew that I knew I looked like a rookie. Because I was, in fact, a rookie. And, in fact, I wasn't even a rookie yet!

To be sure, I didn't even know what I was there for until they told me: my Department had sent an order and they were making a bullet-proof vest for me. Yup. I was there to be fitted for a bullet-proof vest.

I was SO glad Mom wasn't there with me. She might have fainted.

The reason I was there to be fitted for a bullet-proof vest was because, on the Job, someone might decide it would be a good idea to shoot me. And for some reason I didn't really have a problem with that idea. Because I would be wearing said vest. Knowing lots o'cops die each year anyway because vests aren't made for head shots.

Don't tell Mom, OK?

Anyway, I was measured, the vest and its Kevlar layers were explained to me, and I saw the trauma plate that goes over the chest up close and personal. They wanted to make sure I knew what I'd be wearing, maybe to give me a chance to turn the job down.

I left the store to head to my car, wishing I was already wearing the Vest in case I walked through one of the daily neighborhood shootings they use to welcome new guests to their area in that part of Minneapolis.

 It's a custom there, you see. If you're not bleeding...you're not family.

From there, my official Department business done for the day, I returned to my home in small-town Minnesota and went about my life in which the idea of being killed on the job was an unlikely event.

Then , a couple days later, I got a phone call from a woman working in personnel for the Department hiring me. She apologized for the call, but no need; I'd met her and she was a gem of a person. Then I realized why SHE was calling and not my future supervisor, who was male.

"I'm so sorry to call and have to ask you this..." her voice trailed off.  She was clearly embarrassed, and I waited patiently, having already had my life gone through to the extreme by perfect strangers who were looking for all sorts of junk. As it was, I THOUGHT I had nothing left to hide.

"Well, we got a call from the Uniform Company today, and they forgot to ask...um..." She paused again. "What is your bra size? I'm SO SORRY!"

I laughed, completely appreciating her embarrassment...I wouldn't want to call a near stranger and ask them that, either! Poor lady got conscripted, because apparently the woman who worked for the place making the vest destined to save my life at some point wasn't working that day. And it simply wouldn't DO for a man to call me and ask me for such an intimate detail! Can you IMAGINE how THAT would have gone?

I gave her the info (no, I won't share it), but it wasn't until I actually GOT the vest, two weeks after I'd already been on the Job, that I truly understood the importance of the question.

This is inside info, y'all. No pun intended.

I'd "worn" a bullet-proof vest before, one belonging to my (male) cousin who taught me how to shoot. He'd been afraid of ricochets in the gravel pit we used in target practice, so I wore his vest when shooting. And the thing was HUGE on me. It is a vest with a big metal "trauma plate" in the center to cover the major organs. The vest itself is made of layers of fabric, including Kevlar, which goes over the shoulders and around the torso, attached by Velcro straps on the sides. It's the kind of thing that, if you wear it properly, will not allow you to bend over and tie your shoes. So you make sure your shoes are well-tied BEFORE you don the vest.

Wearing one is like walking around in a modified body cast. New cops are discernible from veterans because the new cops look like robots in their new vests. Call them "Bender".

And just so you know...uniforms themselves are not made for women. We all wore stuff in men's sizes but tailored at the waist and hips as needed...the shirts...all men's stuff. And the end result is NOT flattering. Thank God working as a cop is not a fashion show...we'd all be condemned.

Anyway, bullet-proof vests are the exception and are worn UNDER the uniform shirts, over the required t-shirt. And the vests are tailored to accommodate...ahem...certain...womanly features...in accordance with her proportions. That requires certain intimate measurements. Which were (thankfully!) sufficient over the phone. The woman I spoke with explained that specific measurements were better, but they could go with something general and be fine. I was happy for that!

And to those who need to know...if we give the right info, the fit is right, too. In other words...don't lie about size. It doesn't work for men, and for them lying decimates only their pride. Women..if you lie about THIS size, you might be risking your LIFE. Besides...it's darned uncomfortable to wear something like this day after day in the wrong size!

For you see...Madonna wasn't the first woman to use armor as underwear. She just wanted to emulate REAL women who wear armored underwear.

I'm just sayin'....
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The Ripple Effect of Sin

We all know about confessing the sins we commit. We read examinations of conscience, focusing on all those things we've done. We go to Confession, we go through our laundry list, and sometimes, it becomes rote because we do the same things wrong all the time.

But every so often, God calls our attention not to what we've actively done to offend Him...but to what we HAVEN'T done. And those sins of omission are often far more brutal in nature than those we actively commit.

The Gospel of Self Esteem

We live in a world that embraces the Gospel of Self-Esteem, a world that focuses on the good that is done, and the evil only if it is defined according to the popular political causes of the day. We are encouraged to think well of ourselves, to treat ourselves well, to give ourselves a break, and to realize that, in all probability, we have an awesome impact on people who come into our lives. It is suggested that we focus on this positive impact, because God forbid that we get into the thought process embodied in "It's a Wonderful Life!"

While I do think it's important for us to realize that we have an inherent dignity and value, and that our lives DO matter to others, and we do, indeed, most likely have a positive impact on the people around us, we also have to remember that we are fallen creatures. And thus, somtimes our not-so-holy-actions have a negative impact, one that can ripple even through centuries and millenia.

Judgment

I know that one day I will stand at my own particular judgment, and I'm pretty darned aware of what I've done in life, the sins I've actively committed, and still commit. And to be honest, I often beat myself up over many of these, especially the big ones, and for a few reasons.

First,because the "big ones" still have an impact in my life, one that will never go away for as long as I walk this earth. For this reason, I have a VERY difficult time in forgiving myself. It might be one of my biggest struggles; forgiving myself. I've been to Confession, and I know that God has forgiven me, and I think I've even had perfect contrition in some of those cases (God can judge that, I can't). Yet, I can't forgive myself, and so at times, I continue to beat myself up over some of these.

Recently I went to Confession, and while I do not suffer from scrupulosity (basically, the belief that EVERYTHING is a sin, and the sufferer cannot seem to accept any consolation of mercy), the priest did note some of my general struggle. He said to me that there is a fine line between beating ourselves up and recognizing and being sorry for our sins...and God does not want us to beat ourselves up. He is merciful, He wants us to experience His mercy, and He wants us to remember His mercy, always.

I am comforted by this counsel, versions of which I've heard over and over again, from different Confessors.

As I mentioned, I do often beat myself up over those things I know are wrong; in part, because if I don't, I find myself rationalizing them. They become unimportant, or "not so bad." I too easily fall into the trap of "Well, that person does it and I think that person is holy, so if they do it, it must be ok." Even contrary to what I know to be objective, I'll give in to rationalization and the next thing you know, I won't bring up that sin in Confession because I no longer "consider" it to be a sin. Thus, it seems far preferable to "beat myself up" and keep that sin in front of my face, even if someone I respect commits it, too. That way, at least I know I did something wrong, I can take personal responsiblity, and I find that when I am tempted by vanity or pride, I can remember somethig that "isn't a big deal" and realize how far I have to go towards Sainthood.

Yet, it is not these "active" sins that scare me the most. I know that I will go before God with these, and I will remember them (even if He does not), but I can accept that because I know my purgatorial state is necessary. It is not these sins that scare me, for I am, I think, paying a lot of my temporal punishment in this life.

Sins of Omission

These are the sins maybe we commmit but don't recognize, for they are a deficit in proper behavior and proper actions. They arise not from what we do...but from what we DON'T do. They are the sins of missed opportunities.

Consideration of these sins are what make me shake in my shoes. Not what I did...but what I didn't do when called to do something.

And second to this...I consider the ripple-effect of those times in life that I had a HORRIBLE effect on someone else. I know of some of these situations, although I'll never be able to see the impact. I remember moments of unkind words, even apologies to the person offended, responded to in humility rather than anger. I think it has been the humility, over the years, that causes me to remember some of these, for they taught me the most.

Amazing to me; even in our most vile moments, we offend God by offending our friends, and He responds in such a way that true kindness towards our evil strikes serve to bring us to real contrition...even years later.

I spent years being evil, both in outward actions as well as in omissions. Part of reconciliation is making amends to offended parties, but most of those are not in my life and were only passing through, chance encounters. I'll never be able to apologize. And I'll never know the ripple effect of my own evil. Yet, God is merciful and He has given me opportunities to make up for some of it, and I only pray that I live long enough to do enough good to counteract the evil I have brought into the world.

We DO have to recognize that while we may have a positive effect on people, we also have a negative effect on others; actively and passively. It's healthy to recognize this, for once we do, we can own it, we can claim it, and we can give it to God in the Sacrament of Confession.

Maybe we'll still suffer for our past action or lack therof; but at least we can come to the point of agreement with God that we have not lived up to His standard.

I wish I could make it up to all the people I've offended, especially in those years during which I so embraced my anger and took it out on everyone around me. Often I knew what was the right thing to do; and still, I chose my own path, not God's.

How great is God's mercy. How great is His compassion; and so my prayer remains that those who were victims of my own sins have experienced God's compassion to a far greater extent than that which I have experienced myself.

I think, to some degree, I understand the Apostle Paul, for he and I are so similiar in so many ways. I pray for his intercession over the next year, and hope that I, too, will be given so many opportunities to bring people to Christ, especially those my actions injured the most.

The Transfiguration

I love the Gospel readings of the Transfiguration, which, today we find in Matthew 17:1-9

Jesus took Peter, James, and his brother, John, and led them up a high mountain by themselves.And he was transfigured before them; his face shone like the sun and his clothes became white as light.

And behold, Moses and Elijah appeared to them, conversing with him.
Then Peter said to Jesus in reply, “Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”

While he was still speaking, behold, a bright cloud cast a shadow over them, then from the cloud came a voice that said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him.”

When the disciples heard this, they fell prostrate and were very much afraid.
But Jesus came and touched them, saying,“Rise, and do not be afraid.”
And when the disciples raised their eyes, they saw no one else but Jesus alone.

As they were coming down from the mountain, Jesus charged them, “Do not tell the vision to anyone until the Son of Man has been raised from the dead.”

A couple years ago when I was teaching RCIA, I had to give a reflection on the readings for the upcoming Sunday and was stricken by those that were used. In the first reading for that day, Abraham spoke with God when surrounded by complete darkness, and in the Gospel readings of the Transfiguration, God spoke out of the darkness cast by a cloud. (This image is in both Matthew and that which is found in Luke 9:28).

It would seem that it is significant that darkness descends, whether through abscence of light or through the cloud described in today's Gospel, when God has something special to teach us. So often we surround ourselves with so many distractions, many over which we have no control.

In the Gospel readings that describe the Transfiguration, Peter, James, and John are in the presence of Jesus when a cloud descends upon them. Have you ever flown through clouds? Have you ever walked in a thick fog of the early morning? It's disorienting, isn't it? One moment you can see clearly, maybe for miles, and the next moment you don't know what's in front of you, behind you, even beneath your very feet. In an airplane, you may have the sense that even though you can no longer see, you must trust that the pilot knows what he's doing. In such a dense cloud, it even stifles voices and other sounds; it can give the impression of complete abandonment.

And that's exactly what it's designed to do. That's why God uses darkness and speaks FROM that darkness or the cloud. Notice the wording in this Gospel; God didn't speak through the cloud; He spoke FROM it.

God speaks to us when we are cut off from our senses, when maybe we feel most alone; there He is most present. There, He surrounds us in a way that He can't when we are taken in by the world. But there, in the midst of that cloud, we are contained in God Himself and He speaks, directing our attention to His Son, who in turn touches us in our fear and inspires us to trust in Him; in Jesus alone. He knows what is best for us, He knows what we need and He knows that sometimes we need the most extreme fear so that it can be cast out by the perfect love that is embodied in Jesus Christ.

Just as Jesus is Transfigured before the very eyes of the Apostles, so He calls us all to follow Him in trust, and be transformed. Perhaps we'd miss this message entirely were it not for the moments of darkness that force us to hone in on the one important thing; the voice of God that speaks from eternity and has called us forth from eternity to be with Him.

From the Office of Readings for today, August 6 (taken from a sermon on the transfiguration of the Lordy by Anastasius of Sinai, bishop):

Let us run with confidence and joy to enter into the cloud like Moses and Elijah, or like James and John. Let us be caught up like Peter to behold he divine vision and to be transfigured by that glorious transfiguration. Let us retire from the world, stand aloof from the earth, rise above the body, detach ourselves from creatures and turn to the Creator, to whom Peter in ecstasy exclaimed: Lord, it is good for us to be here.

Amen.

Sad

I don't know what's wrong with me today, but I'm just...sad. No, I'm not wandering around crying or anything so ridiculous. I just have this general sense of...sadness.

At this point, I'm chalking it up to just being a woman. We get like this sometimes, unpredictably. Sometimes we KNOW why we're sad because usually some event sets it off, but sometimes, we just get sad for no particular reason.

Who knows? Maybe our biological makup is running some strange update and making sure emotions are working properly?

I've had a pretty good day; I got up, went to work, got some stuff done, didn't get other stuff done, joked with co-workers, and completed the final prep for a child's First Confession. I hit the gym on my way home, ran a couple errands, and spent some time in Adoration praying (badly) the LOH.

Hmmm...maybe that's it. I missed LOH yesterday for some odd reason and never got to it, and couldn't focus at all today. So I ran around the church and got some cool photos of the stained glass windows. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of stuff to look at in my church, not a lot of artistry or beauty in the architecture; it's like a typical Catholic Church built within the last 40 years; utilitarian, much like a bomb shelter with stained glass adornments.

And yet..I'm sad. Maybe I'll see if I can find either a good comedy or one of my rare chick-flicks, the tear-jerker kind, just so I can have a REASON to be sad...and get over it.

No, I'm not ALWAYS this analytical, but if I'm sad for no reason, I want to get to the bottom of it so I can go back to being contented again.

So I ask you, friends, to pray for me and maybe make a few wise-cracks in the combox.

Vocational Discernment

This summer I've been working, with the Youth Minister, on finding speakers for an upcoming class on Vocational Discernment. It's a general kind of thing, to address the questions: "How do I know what God is calling me to do?" and "How do I begin to listen to God" and "I know what I want...and what my parents want..but what does GOD want?"

Finally, the speakers are in place, our job as employees will be to welcome and introduce the speakers, and then get out of the way, which is ALWAYS a nice position to take!

Yet, I find that as I've worked on this project this summer in the precious few hours provided by my employer, that I have been taken back a few years to when I began discerning my Vocation. VISION 2009, a discernment guide published each year, was recently sent out to various parishes and I have one opened here in front of me. I have read many of the articles, cringing at some (as usual), but even the latter have some usefulness. The ads for the various communities are always interesting, so I've followed a few links and I've likewise been frustrated at those communities that do NOT have a web presence.

Like it or not, we live in a world of technology, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not going to call up a community if I can't see what they're about other than a brief "bio" on a magazine that comes out only annually.

We live in scary times. Some religious communities wear habits...some do not. And these factors, like it or not, are a huge part of discernment. It was a factor to me a few years ago and as we look at the climate of Vocations in America, those religious communities that wear habits are EXPLODING in comparison to those who don't. In fact, the latter are mostly dying off and merging in order to care for their elderly...because there is no one to take their places.

Like it or not, the communities that have continued to wear habits are the ones gaining new aspirants and postulants and novices, for they are also the ones to have stayed most true to their original charisms. Thus I would suggest that it isn't so much the outer trappings that are drawing men and women to these communities; it is their Faith. It is the Faith and Loyalty to their founders and to the Magisterium that are signified in the Habit, and that Loyalty speaks to the hearts and souls of those who are seeking to truly follow Christ.

Sadly, so many Orders and their Congregations have fallen away, giving in to the ways of the world, and many of these have chosen to let go of the Holy Habit in favor of dressing like "the guy next door" or "the ladies next door." And there is some validity in that, for in the beginning, many of the Orders began by dressing like the poorest of the poor. Thus, the original Sisters and even Brothers were indistinguishable from the impoverished that they served.

But we live in a different world now, and we are ALL judged by others based on our outward appearance. The world is superficial and cares nothing for the soul. Thus, it makes sense that those who care the most for souls are choosing to use an exterior symbol of the Habit in order to identify not themselves, but Christ.

A few years ago, I remember thinking back to the days that I had dreamed of being famous. I thought I would light up Broadway, and some early success on the stage even lead me to believe it was actually POSSIBLE. The very idea of having to disappear and lose my individuality under the clothing of a religious community was a terrifying temptation; for I never wanted to lose who I was, my very individuality - even AFTER I had long given up dreams of being famous. (In fact, these days, the idea of being famous is abhorrent to me!) Yet, even now, I consider that temptation of Vanity; to realize that if I were to wear a Habit, I'd be letting go of myself so completely as to blend in with others and lose my freedom to do what I want to do.

I think that this temptation was one of those that chased me away from real discernment a few years ago. I wanted to be my own person. I didn't want to be lost among so many others. And it seems that many of the communities that have chosen to lose the Habit have given into this temptation as well, choosing individuality over obedience, choosing political platforms over real spiritual charisms.

Yet, we see how the idea of obedience and even conformity through wearing a Habit does NOTHING to quash the individual; we have so many examples! Consider St. Theresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, St. Therese of Lisieux, and so many others! They were men and women who wore Habits...and their names and their individuality were not quashed through answering God's Call and dying to their own desires. God in fact elevated them such that they were true celebrities long before the Cult of Hollywood!

Looking through these magazines, resources, and websites has brought me back to those early days of discernment, and has reminded me of the confusion to be provided to someone truly seeking. While the technology and ability to research are wonderful, and NECESSARY, it also provides a daunting landscape of considerations and overwhelming possibilities.

While our very culture of religious communities who have "lost their way" require us to add another dimension to Vocational Discernment, we are forced to give in to another temptation; that of looking for our place in the same way that we would find a job through Monster.Com. Or Hotjobs.com.

But Discernment and finding Home is not a job search. Again, referencing my discernment of a few years ago, that was the biggest mistake I made, and the same one made by others who knew I was discerning; not only did I naturally fall into "discerning" through hours of research via the web, but others around me fell into the same trap on my behalf. Just as, when I was unemployed or seeking other employment people would send me job leads or websites, so, when I was discerning, did people send me religious communities and discernment websites. Instead of listening to God, I was reviewing "employer resumes".

In short, I was interviewing God and asking Him to meet MY demands.

True Discernment is the other way around; it is about being Called and then interviewed by God; and then freely choosing to answer His requests to love us as He created us to be loved.

So I somehow have found myself full circle, reviewing these publications in preparation to introduce youth to the idea of Discernment, realizing that the answers aren't found here. I've half a mind to steal the stuff and hide it during and after the event. There's something to be said for the absence of too much information. There's something to be said for stoicism and austerity.

It's only in silence and lack distraction that we can hear God. In this culture of soundbite insanity, even in the holiest of places we are innundated with information. We can't get away. Somehow, I think that introducing young people to so much information so quickly may not be the way to go about helping them to discern God's voice.

We are all constantly praying for more Vocations to the Priesthood and Religious Life, but I have to wonder if our response might be truly counterproductive? We might be getting the cart before the horse.

When someone says that they are considering a Vocation, what do we do but throw information at them? We give them magazines and books and websites, and especially in the case of women, we say, "Good luck!" Diocesan Vocations Directors are without a leg to stand on when it comes to God's Call to women, and no matter how good their intentions, all they can do is throw information about and say, "My door is open if you have questions." And in reality, the hapless VoD has no idea what he would do if a woman came back to him with questions, for he's equipped and has the main focus of assisting men towards the Priesthood.

There's a tide of Vocations out there, and if the reports from Steubie North are true, there's a TON of young men and woman locally ready to give their fiat to God...if only we don't overwhelm them with too many choices.

They don't know HOW to discern. They don't know HOW to make choices, and it's not feasable to go with "whatever is close by." Unfortunately, what is "close" and might bill itself as "Catholic" may in practice be pagan and acting in most ways adversely to the narrow gate that leads to Heaven.

I have to say that maybe learning to be quiet and just know God and truly seek His Will might be far more valuable than all the books in the world. For if we can't teach them how to develop a relationship with Christ, how can they possibly even BEGIN to make headway with all the data available to them in their discernment? How do we find the balance between teaching them how to Discern AND giving them the tools they need in this culture of technology?

Divine Love

A few years ago in the midst of my return to the practice of my faith, I was struggling hard, trying to grow in virtue, frustrated at my vices, nearly overcome, realizing how far I had to go. (Actually, I'm still there. Nothing has changed.)

I was spending a lot of time in Adoration, praying, "Dear Jesus, please don't give up on me. Don't ever give up on me, I'm trying!" Some days I'd absolutely be in tears as I begged Jesus not to let me go. I knew where I'd come from and it was a place I never wanted to see again, but I knew the slope is steep and it wouldn't take much before I'd be mired in that pit again.

Then on day at Mass, Father happened to say those exact words of my prayer, and as he was scanning the congregation he seemed to stop and stare directly at me as he said, "God will NEVER give up on you!"

My heart caught in my throat as he continued with this particular gem, as if affirming the words of my prayer, not knowing how desperately I needed to hear what he had to say. Father hadn't heard me praying and he hadn't read my journal, but God doesn't worry about trifles like that; He can speak so directly if He chooses, delivering His messages of love to us through our Priests, through the Sacraments, and through other people He sends into our lives.

The love we experience through others is a reflection of and participation in Divine Love; it is how God has chosen to order the world. Even when we might think we're the only ones experiencing a particular darkness, God can speak to us through others and help us understand we are never alone.

We learn that He pursues us relentlessly, never giving up, for His greatest desire is that we be united to Him for eternity; nothing else is acceptable. It does not matter how far we run, how much we fight him, God will never stop loving us and will never stop his pursuit.

The second reading today addresses this reality:

Rom 8:35, 37-39

Brothers and sisters:
What will separate us from the love of Christ?
Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine,
or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?
No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly
through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life,
nor angels, nor principalities,
nor present things, nor future things,
nor powers, nor height, nor depth,
nor any other creature will be able to separate us
from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Our Lord will always pursue us. He will never give up, no matter what we do. Even those afflictions that come upon us can't separate us from Him; He is forever present, and often these sufferings are a very sign of His love.

Even though I write about this, I have a VERY difficult time grasping it. I still look upon the crucifix and think, "I can't possibly be worth THAT!" And from last Sunday (and again this week), the Gospel reading of the Treasure in the Field/Pearl of Great Price, again, I can't imagine that Our Lord would find me of any value whatsoever.

Why would God pursue me? I'm flawed. Worse...I'm worse than flawed. I've never even thought myself to be even REMOTELY attractive in any way, and so that fallen-nature part of me causes me to judge myself according to flawed world standards. God doesn't look at us for our exterior (which, by the way, He created), and God doesn't judge us even according to our flaws, of which we are often the most critical observants. It is our flaws that enacted His compassion. It is our fallen nature that brought Him to be united with our physical reality in order to reunite us to Him for eternity. It is in answer to our most desperate longings that Jesus came to us, decided we were worth it, and took on the ultimate suffering on our behalf.

And He did this for us, individually. From conception, in the Garden, from the Cross, Jesus KNEW us, all, individually, perfectly, and it was in His Divine Love that His blood was shed.

For you. For me.

And I know I'm not the only one who struggles with making this understanding personal.

Yet, we have to believe it. We are called to believe it. We experience it each time we go to Mass...and the more often, the better. Jesus loves us each SO MUCH that He longs for us, He desires that we be united to Him; and that's why He offers himself in the Sacraments, especially that of the Holy Eucharist.

As I had begun this post speaking about how I'd prayed that Our Lord would not give up on me, I can testify that He has not, and I know that He never will. Indeed, He has not only pursued me, but He has surrounded me with others striving to know Him and love Him, and even many with the same doubts as I. It seems that each time I am confronted with doubt, He sends me a friend to share the experience and reveal His love even further.

Each day is an act of trust, and each day contains all the love of God, if we only have the courage to open our eyes and see Him even in the smallest moments.
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The Internet and St. Thomas Aquinas

As I previously mentioned, I was wondering what my blog patron, St. Thomas Aquinas, would have to say about the phenomena of meeting and becoming friends with people via the internet. So I did some digging, and sure enough, I found another section of the Summa Theologica that was located with the Q Documents. My guess is that it was cut from the Summa because, at the time it was written, apparently there WASN'T internet so archaeologists were confused and didn't think the writings were authentic. (What I don't understand is that the people who like the "Q" theories think all SORTS of crazy things with no basis in ANY reality are true...but when they are faced with the prophetic wisdom of a great Saint they trample his writings into the dirt!)

Well, after laborious translations, I think I have finally found the answer to whether our current method of making friends is a good thing.

Whether using a tool called "the internet" to meet other people and travel great distances to meet them in person can be justified?

Objection 1: It is dangerous to meet people via the internet. As the true intentions of those with whom one may interact through a written medium cannot be properly ascertained, one should maintain friendships only with those with whom they have real contact each day.

Objection 2: It is especially dangerous to travel in order to meet other people, for the same reasons as set out above, but furthermore, it is MORE dangerous because then one is taken away from home which is a protective haven.

Objection 3: It is more virtuous to be cautious and aloof.

Objection 4: What is the inter net? We need only one layer in order to catch fish and we don't use nets to capture people. This question has no logic. No one meets other people through the use of nets!

ON THE CONTRARY I answer that, from the beginning of the written word, contact has been made with other people through the use of such words, prior to actual meetings. The Apostles, such as Paul, and James, sent letters to the various churches and visited them as well in order to preach according to his Divine Mission.

I answer that it can be justified to meet others via the medium of the tool yet to be invented called "the internet", for this tool will take the place of the laborious process of writing letters using ink and papyrus, sealing them with beeswax and a seal, and sending them via courier.

Reply to Objection 1: I answer that, while it may be true that contact via written word from afar cannot reveal the hearts of those with whom one corresponds, it is still a true contact. Truthfulness can be verified over time through the use of details and consistency in the writings presented from each correspondant. At times it is necessary to send ahead the written words, as in the case of St. Ignatius of Antioch who wrote letters prior to his martyrdom and whose letters were taken to heart by the peoples who had never made his direct acquaintance. Those who knew the Saint directly were only harmed when they followed in his heroic footstps and were martyred with him after willingly identifying themselves as Christians, then were fed to the lions. Thus, it was not the written correspondance that harmed the innocent, but rather, it was the Romans. Thus I answer that the internet is not dangerous; the governing bodies that shed the blood of the faithful are dangerous.

Additionally, the objection calls to mind the position of one who is cloistered and refrains from contact with the outside world. By necessity, humanity was designed by God to interact with others, and often with strangers and travellers. The act of traveling can be a pilgrimage in which the pilgrim must in humility submit to God's own designs, and the pilgrim must be willing to accept the assistance of strangers. It is further a grace for strangers to provide assistance to travelling pilgrims. Thus, I answer that the internet facilitates pilgrimages in a manner that is much safer than those which take place in our day.

Reply to Objection 2: I answer that, while home is a protective haven, it may be necessary for various reasons for one to leave that haven to visit other locales. In this process, while discernment is needed first, should the person in question accept the challenge to leave their haven, again the virtue of humility comes into exercise as the soul must learn to trust God for safety, and not those with whom one normally associates. Thus, it is clear that, rather than being dangerous, it is virtuous for someone to meet others via the internet as it causes one to grow in foundational virtues.

Reply to Objection 3: It would seem that being cautious is a virtue, yet the seeds of the Church was the blood of the martyrs. Thus, I answer that caution is not a virtue but a tool of Satan. Further, as our example for behavior belongs to Our Lord Jesus Christ, who was not aloof, but rather, took on our sins in order to free us from death, if we are aloof we are not in imitation of Him. Jesus tells us to "Take up your cross and follow me", which often means following Him away from what we think is safe; for we may also be called to be crucified, either where we live or, as in the case of St. Ignatius, in a circus in Rome. Travel to meet others, then, can lead to ultimate union with God, and this is a consummation devoutly to be wish'd!

Reply to Objection 4: The internet is a tool of communication yet to be invented, designed to take the place of the contemporary writing tools of our day. Further, it would seem that this objection has no logic, for Our Lord Himself met Apostles James and John while they were at their nets, and later directed Peter to "Duc en altum". Thus, it is clear that the use of nets has always been in place to facilitate important meetings especially with regard to divine mission.

I answer that, overall, it is clear that using the internet to facilitate meeetings with others is a continuation of the Apostolic tradition and ultimately unifies Christians all over the world. In the case where such meetings lead to martyrdom, this is part of God's plan and a necessary seed in order to plant holiness in an area of the world where Christendom has not spread. Discernment in this regard is necessary before embarking upon any pilgrimage in order that the right intentions and virtues be in place prior to making the trip.


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So, there you have it. But I'm still not telling Mom what I did. She'd freak out!

Another Blog Gathering

I'm starting to think blogging is my life. Is that a good thing? This evening I met up with friends Cathy, Ray, and the Hadleys, all local bloggers whom I have previously met. Cathy, Ray, and I took the Rail from the 38th street station with a bunch of Twins fans headed to the game at the Metrodome.

Of course, the Rail was packed, but cleared out greatly at the 'Dome, allowing us to breathe a little bit. We were meeting the Hadleys (Mitchell and Judith) at The Little Red Wagon on 4th street Downtown. And we had a great time.

Cool thing...the restaurant had the Twins v. Indians game up on a big screen at at one point I saw a guy who had been standing (trying not to fall down) on the train with us en route there. He looked like he was having a good time, although the Twins had their rear ends handed to them this evening. * sigh *

En route back on the Rail, two guys stepped on, accompanied by a nearly-visible cloud of pot smoke. And by the way one of them was rapping (yes, really), they'd been greatly enjoying their ditchweed for quite awhile. Cathy, always ready with a quip, snarked quietly, "I'll bet that rap must be really profound when you're high on pot!"

Thankfully they disembarked a station or two later, and the cloud went with them. Personally, I'm offended. I mean, if they're going to bring a cloud of potsmoke with them, the least they can do is be as funny as Cheech and Chong! But no...in this day and age, we get bad rap!

But I digress. It's always fun to see my friends, especially those who don't live in the same corner of my world, and it's literally been a couple years since I've seen my good friends the Hadleys.

Yet this brings up a new point. I have to ask; is it now a GOOD idea to meet people via the internet? Isn't that dangerous? But there it is; I've met some wonderful friends thanks to the medium of Catholic blogging and my life is better for knowing these people. (Um...I hope they can say the same about me!)

So I am doing some research to see what St. Thomas Aquinas has to say about this issue. More to come!

Be Still and Know That I Am God

The other morning I stopped into the Adoration Chapel to pray Morning Prayer. The chapel had a few people in it, all retired people, some maybe from the nearby assisted-living. When I stop in during the day, that's the usual "crowd", and it always makes me remember my p's and q's. For example...I feel like I have to be EXTRA quiet, and dress very properly. I know these people remember what it was like prior to Vatican II, and even when I walk in with capris and a nice top, I've caught a glimpse of disapproving stares. I don't belong to a rad-trad parish, but I DO know that we have a large number of very devoted Catholics. And maybe it's my own guilty concience if I wear shorts in the chapel, knowing that my outfit would not be tolerated in many churches in secularized Europe But I digress.

As I was praying the other day, a woman quickly came into the chapel, very reverent, and knelt, in very quick movements, but very reverently. She sat down in the row in front of me, the next chair over, and proceeded to quickly pull out a STACK of printed prayers and devotions. Every movement she made was done very quickly with a sense of almost desperate urgency.

I was kneeling and had my breviary open in front of me, reading quietly, occasionally stopping to digest some line or some other related thought popping into my head. Before she had come, the chapel had been so quiet, so peaceful...but suddenly this person appeared and....well...

She was a fidgiter.

Normally I'm not too disturbed by people coming and going in the chapel. I might look up, but that's my own hyper-vigilance bourne out from years of training and attitude. I'm not usually too bothered by these people and quickly can return to what I'm doing, even forgetting what or whom I saw.

But the fidgiters...they're a whole 'nuther story.

They're very devout, typically, excellent Catholics, know their faith or at least tend to seek more knowledge, and always...they are seeking greater devotion. These people (always women, in my observation) clearly love Jesus and are seeking greater union with Him. It's a wonderful thing, and I love these people. They're the backbone of the parish.

But they don't seem to know what it means to "Be still and know that I am God."

As I'd mentioned, the woman in question came in with a stack of prayers on various papers, and I think she had a few small booklets, too. As she was immediately in front of me and just to the side, I couldn't help but be distracted, no matter how much I tried to focus on my own conversation with our Lord.

She paged through her papers, pulled one and then another out, variously reading them through. Her movements were rapid, she was trying to be quiet, but it wasn't the noise that was distracting; it was the movement. The constant movement. She moved in and out of her row several times, likely for various devotions, only to return to her stack and go through it for the next thing, only to set that down, maybe go through her purse again for another leaflet, maybe finding it in another place.

I don't know what devotions she was trying to complete. All I knew was that her body language of worry and quickness intruded into my own prayer, and made me try even harder to shut it out, to realize I had to be willing to deal with others and their methods of prayers.

In moments like that, I try to remember what St. Therese of Lisieux said about the Sister with the rosary that constantly rattled against the pew. I know that I need to deal with this thorn in my side, and so, in the end, I'm not irritated, only distracted. There's no sin in distraction, only temptation.

The woman in question got out of her pew once again, knelt in the center aisle, crossed herself very quickly and irregularly, several times, and then returned to her seat, collected her things, and left the chapel, quickly, silently. And again..it wasn't that she was making noise. It was her constant movement that was distracting.

On Prayer

So let's talk about prayer a little bit, for this woman is not alone. A priest who was at my parish previously once gave a talk in which this behavior was addressed; he spoke of people who come to the chapel for Adoration, but they bring a stack of prayers and devotions. They don't remain still ; they are constantly in movement, offering their novenas and litanies and list of prayers that * must* be said. And then they leave.

He asked, "Where, in all that, have they had time to LISTEN to Jesus?"

I've taken his words to heart. Although I've never gone so crazy on devotions, the temptation has been there. I've found wonderful novenas, captivating litanies, several prayers applicable to my situation or the situations of others, and really....lots of things that could take up an hour or even a brief visit.

As it is, it's tempting to just drop into the chapel and let loose with my own complaints, supplications and demands. None of us is without a laundry-list of issues to bring to the foot of the cross.

But that's NOT what Adoration is about.

Sure, Our Lord invites us to bring our concerns, ask for help, petition on behalf of others, and pray our litanies that honor Him and His Mother and the Saints. Those prayers are important. But maybe it's even MORE important to just come to Him and sit at His feet, silently, allowing Him, for once, to speak to US. To love us. To be present with us, and help us to understand how to be present with Him.

Adoration is not about the nearly-obsessive compulsion to pray a thousand devotions, to "get through" them each time, no matter how many indulgences they carry. If we're only rushing from one prayer to the next, seeking one indulgence, then another, with a desperate neediness to complete the words in the time we have...that's NOT prayer. It's...words. It's EXACTLY what Jesus cautioned us AGAINST! The multiplication of words does not get us or others to heaven!

One Hail Mary, spoken deliberately and with devotion, is far more valuable than a thousand litanies spoken without a thought other than to get the words out in a specific period of time.

I love devotions, and many devotions draw us into contemplation. But not when we're praying one devotion while thinking about the next one we HAVE to complete during our "prayer time."

Compare it to this: You are going to visit a friend you highly respect and love dearly, more so than your own life. And so, when you visit them, you rush in, skip a calm "hello" in favor of rattling off a bunch of things you think this person needs to know. And as soon as you get through your list, you're off. In the meantime, your dear friend listens patiently, not able to get a word in edgewise, and then in exasperation watches you rush off, knowing that he has something to say to you that, for once, will give you some peace.

And the amazing thing...this friend will take this abuse over and over, as long as He needs to.

But what He really wants is a relationship with you.

Jesus appreciates the honor of your visit, the litanies, the intercessions, and WANTS to hear of your troubles. Even though He already knows you more intimately that you know yourself, He wants you to talk to Him about it. And He wants to respond to you. And sometimes, like any good friend, he wants to just spend time with you, even in silence.

There's nothing like companionable silence, where both understand one another and can simply exist together.

THAT is contemplation.

So many sincerely devout Catholics become so focused on what is written that they forget that prayer is relational and requires reception of the other half of the conversation. And sometimes, it requires hearing ALL of the side of the other.

It's not that I'm not guilty of this. I've gone into the chapel with my own laundry list, and even now that I'm praying LOH, I have to take care not to rush through the prayers because sometimes Jesus uses only one line to get my attention. If I'm praying a litany, sometimes it's one title that makes me stop.

Sometimes the devotion isn't about completing the devotion, but being willing to listen to Jesus as He tells us what about that prayer is important in our relationship with Him.

In speaking with a priest this afternoon, we both lamented that people can't seem to get through the written devotions in order to grasp the beauty of contemplative prayer. It's not that everyone experiences mysticism, but rather, that they are willing to put aside the STUFF and just engage with Jesus, one on one.

There are so many beautiful devotions in our tradition, and they ARE important; but they are only tools. If we let the tools take control, then we are not developing a relationship with our Beloved; we are building obstacles.

So to all Catholics who love Jesus and love their devotions; please take note of what you're doing with your time and take even a day to leave your stack home. Just be present with Jesus, knowing that even if you don't know what to say...He DOES. And if you ALLOW Him to speak, you'll be amazed at what He has to say.

I promise.

For those of you who don't have the Blessed Sacrament exposed, know that Christ is just as present in the Tabernacle, and values your presence there where He is hidden just as much as He does where He is exposed in the monstrance. Truth be told, although my parish has Perpetual Adoration, I've had some of my most intimate encounters with God in the church where Christ is present but enclosed.

Jesus is there. He is waiting, and all he needs is a little bit of silence...and He will change your life forever.

I promise.

Music Shuffle Meme

I came across this old one tonight, and was in a musical mood so decided to do it. This one is cool; it can be re-done over time. Here's the deal: take your i-pod or CD shuffle, or, as in my case, I used the shuffle mode on my computer. NO CHEATIN'! Just hit play and see what song comes up next!

OK, without further ado:

1. How does the world see me? Sweet Sacrifice - Evanescence (The Open Door)

(some of the lyrics...."Fear is only in our minds but is taking over all the time...") Am I THAT transparent? REALLY?

2. How is my life going? Timeless - Selah (Press On)

Time, it’s changing me
It’s hard to see who I am
Touched, I’m touched by many things
So many things I don’t understand

Wow...THAT song is accurate...

3. What do my friends really think of me? The Lighthouse's Tale - Nickel Creek (Nickel Creek)

Hmm....let me assure you all that I'm not going to commit suicide after burying my drowned true love in the sand. Although I might tell the tale of someone else who does that!

4. Do People Secretly Lust After Me? Pure - Superchick (Beauty from Pain 1.1)

I'm not sure if I should feel insulted or comforted...

5. How can I make myself happy? Deliver Me - Sarah Brightman (Brokedown Palace)

Deliver me, loving and caring
Deliver me, giving and sharing
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing

All of my life I was in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through

Hmmmm....

6. What should I do with my life? Your Star - Evanescence (The Open Door)

And I'm alone now,
Me and all I stood for.
We're wandering now.
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out.

So far away.
It's growing colder without your love.
Why can't you feel me calling your name?
Can't break the silence,
It's breaking me.


Dark night of the soul?

7. Will I ever have children? Anything but ordinary - Avril Lavigne (Let Go)

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

8. What is good advice for me? The Story - Brandi Carlisle

OK, I gotta tellya, this is probably HANDS DOWN my favorite song EVER. It's something I want to sing with a band sometime before I die. (I HAVE sung with a band before...in two different countries! And glass did not shatter!) There's only one part I can't do like Brandi...just guess....

Anyway I'm posting ALL the lyrics on this one!

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you


9. How will I be remembered? All I need - Bethany Dillon (Wow Hits 2005)

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There's a fire in my bones
I'm not afraid to go alone


10. What is my signature dance song? Courage - Superchick (Beauty from Pain)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

This song is actually about anorexia...not a problem for me...


11. What do I think my current theme song is? Grace Like Rain - Todd Agnew (WOW Hits 2005)

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Chorus:
Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

12. What do my friends think my current theme song is? Beauty from Pain - Superchick (Beauty from Pain)

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

13. What song will play at my funeral? Red Light - Johnny Lang (Cities 97 Sampler)

You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life

THAT doesn't bode well!

14. What kind of men do I like? What a feeling - Heather Nova (Siren)

Life is only half way in our hands
Years have passed while I was making plans
And I could never find the words
I always felt absurd, and always outside
But now I know I shouldn't care
There's a song already there
Waiting inside

15. What is my day going to be like? I can do better - Avril Lavigne (The Best Damn Thing)

Hmmmm....that's not very holy. Maybe I should just plan to go to Confession....


Maybe I'll tag people in the morning...or...feel free to steal this one!

Where Your Heart Is

I've started this post several times, and for some reason, I can't seem to find the words. And so I ask your forgiveness for what promises to be a very disconnected post.

The trip to Ohio was incredible and while it WAS all fun and games, I met our Lord there, too. For He seeks us out wherever we are and speaks in quiet moments, and even amidst chaos where we'd least expect to find Him.

Being that we attended Mass both with Fr. V. and again on Sunday with Fr. S., I heard the Gospel of the Pearl of Great Price twice, and, between the two homilies, the full impact of that Gospel was brought home to me. And I really think the events of Friday and Saturday had prepared me for the message. At the Vatican Splendors exhibit, I was stopped in my tracks as I gazed upon the Ciborium and Chalice. It wasn't the artistry or the preciousness of the metal or anything else. It is what they had contained. And right there, silently, unwaveringly, I stared into the chalice and made a confession of faith: "Oh, Lord, I BELIEVE!"

I didn't care about the value of the items, but the Sacrament that binds us, that holds us close to Our Lord. I think, maybe in that moment, one of my personal walls came down as I looked past the material and saw the eternal. How appropriate, then, was the Gospel for Sunday; it was as if Jesus was speaking DIRECTLY to me.

Fr. V., in his homily, spoke of the pearl in the parable in a way I've never heard, although his words carried forth a theme that had also struck me in the past. He spoke of how Jesus sees US as the pearl of great price, and He gave EVERYTHING in order to possess us. The truth of his words hit their mark, and my typical interior struggle began, for, you see, I have a REALLY difficult time seeing myself as "the pearl of great price." Oh, sure, my birthstone is a pearl, but that's just coincidence, right? Yet I can't honestly deny the value of my life in God's eyes...for I could look up and see exactly what dignity He gave me (and all of us!) by dying on the cross in agony and humiliation. Yet our Lord did not die to possess a puny stone obtained from a sea creature; He died for US. To Him, we are worth FAR more than some pretty rock.

At Mass that evening, in the quiet after Communion, Our Lord spoke to me. Not in words, but in understanding. I've written before of my sense of being a pilgrim on earth, having a certain "rootlessness" that I can't really explain. Maybe being away from home and all the responsibilities and attachments of my everyday life was necessary, but right there, I realized I was "home". It's not about the location or the church, but the Mass. No matter where I go on earth, that's as close to Home as any of us will get until we go "beyond the veil". I was, in a true sense, a pilgrim this weekend, experiencing a taste of real freedom, and realizing that whether I am in Minneapolis, or Akron, or Oaxaca, if there is Mass, I'm home. Wherever Jesus can be found, there I want to be.

On Sunday, Fr. S. spoke of the more common translation of the gospel, completing the lesson, calling my attention to the choice between what is material and what is real. Christ is our Pearl, and more valuable than any pearl. When we recognize who He is, how can we not be changed forever? Why in the world would we NOT want to leave everything to follow Him wherever He leads? And truly, the place I call "home" which is really just a box I keep my stuff in, can't possibly contain my most valuable possession.

My attention was drawn to the dichotomy of my life; if I can’t let go of those things I so willingly embrace, I am not free to possess the Pearl, nor am I allowing Jesus to possess me. Both interpretations of this Gospel are needed; both call us to conversion. Both call us to recognize where we are...and WHO we are called to become.

Our lives are not our own; they were given to us as a gift, but ultimately, our lives belong to God and we are called to, in proper turn, offer this great gift back according to our Call.

Maybe this weekend my attention was called to the fact that I already possess the pearl of great price; and I am in turn possessed by Him. I think Jesus already has me, heart and soul, and I know that as long as I have Him, I need nothing more.

UNEXPECTED LESSON

For those who read my previous post early on, I updated it this morning to include our foray into the dark tower...um...I mean, the bell tower. But there's more.

When Fr. V. and Fr. S. went into the tower and climbed, I remained at the bottom at first, held back by two fears; my fear of spiders, and my fear of ladders. As a child, I fell through a ladder-hole much like the ones in the tower, and while I felt I could climb up with no problem, I knew I'd have to come back down. And so I agonized. I SO DESPERATELY wanted to climb to the top! I am not afraid of heights, thankfully, and I knew my fears were irrational. And so I struggled with myself, I paced, and truly, I could think of a thousand good reasons to climb the tower. And I knew that, if someone were dying, I'd be up there in a flash, undeterred. So why, I asked myself, couldn't I climb without such motivation? What was I REALLY afraid of, for really, I knew my fears were just ghosts? The Fathers would have cleared away any webs through their ascent. And the ladders were sturdy, much easier to climb than any of our Fire Dept. ladders. And physically, there was nothing holding me back.

Just ghosts.

Finally, thoroughly disgusted with myself, I didn't climb the tower; I attacked it. It was all-out assault. And once I began and got to the first level, I knew I'd finish; because it isn't in me to quit once I've taken that step. The ONLY possible outcome for this was to reach the top. Nothing else was acceptable.

(Granted, there was a certain non-virtue of Pride...my cyber-bros were up there and I couldn't let them show me up!)

The next day, 30,000 feet or so above the midwest, I suddenly saw the bell tower in a new light. There, looking out the plane window at the earth below, I asked God to reveal His will for me, to help me understand Him and what happened this weekend.

He didn't reveal himself...he revealed me.

The tower, my agony at the base of it...that is my spiritual life. That's my discernment. That's what I do. He just made me live it out physically.

One of my biggest battles is this: I don’t tend to focus on what is immediately in front of me, but rather, the entirety of an obstacle. Sometimes this is a gift, but when it comes to something important, something personal, I can't seem to break it down. To use the bell tower as a parable, I don’t see only one story; I look at one portion and see what is required for them all. The entire spectrum pushes me backward and I plummet to the ground, terrified I’ll never make it – so why even try?

It’s not one thing with me; it’s several things. It’s not what’s exterior; it’s what’s interior. The battle is not with the elements that surround me; it’s with myself.

God spoke to me this weekend, very quietly, very personally, forcing me to see who I am and who He created me to be. And who am I to turn Him down? I know where my treasure is and I know that I should stop at nothing to possess it.
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Thank you, Jesus.

What I did on My Summer Vacation

I know that my local friends are DYING to know what happened on my recent trip to Cleveland (very little of which actually took place in Cleveland!), so maybe it's time to finally get started. The photos are (mostly) uploaded on my end, emails have gone back and forth, and I already miss my friends. But life must go on...which is good, otherwise I'd never have time to write about it! And I have to say that if it were not for Fr. V., I would not have been there; he's the one who invited me, connected me with CK (my hostess and now great friend) he's the one who set it all up for all of us. You should all know that he really sacrificed to make this weekend happen and I can speak for ALL of us when I say we are all grateful and appreciate the work he has done in spite of everything else going on in his life. And because of him, I have a whole bunch of new friendships (all of whom I hope to see again, in Minnesota or elsewhere!). So...thanks, Fr. V.! And also special thanks to my other dear friend and hostess, CK!

DISCLAIMER/ PSA: I do NOT advocate flying across the country to meet people you have never met! Although that's what I did, there was email and blog contact with these people before I met them, I know they were who they claimed to be (no doubt at all - verifiable info), and truly, it was more like attending a Catholic conference than some random connection. There was discernment involved in this trip so that when I left, I was not worried about my safety. Other than a potential plane crash. The plane(s) didn't crash. All was well.

BACK TO THE STORY...

I was nervous. I have written that I was a VERY shy child, and somewhere over Michigan's Lower Peninsula, I realized that although I FELT like I knew these people, I'd not met a single one. Although we'd spoken on the phone...they're not real friends until we meet! I realized I am insane (as though THAT were any epiphany), and that I was going, and that the person meeting me at the airport was likely nervous, too. After all...CK was not only meeting me at the airport, she was to be my hostess! What if we didn't get along? (Yes, unimagineable, but still possible!)

I got my baggage and didn't see anyone apparently looking for someone, so I opened one of the pockets of my luggage, beginning to organize a couple things. And that's when it happened...my nail caught...and snapped - right across the center of my right index finger. And it was bleeding. Painfully. Great. It figures. I realized immediately what that meant...I'd be using my hostesse's bandaids. * sigh*


CK (a guest blogger on Adam's Ale) arrived shortly after the traumatic encounter with my luggage pocket and we headed off to the Akron Zoo...um...I mean...St. Sebastian's. Father Schnippel was arriving that afternoon, too, and called me en-route. Being that I wasn't local and wanted to give him some kind of ETA, I looked around for a sign of our location.

"We just passed a sign that says '55 MPH' Does that help?"

It didn't. I confess I was very nervous. Although I've long overcome my shyness, I think there's still a shadow of it that plagues me, and in reality, who WOULDN'T be nervous at meeting a lot of people for the first time in person?

But the good Fathers were gracious and did not make us walk to the entrance to the zoo...uh...I mean, the door to the rectory, but rather, came out to greet us out front before welcoming us in. And then we got the GRANDE TOUR of St. Sebastian's, to include the rectory, church, school, old convent, and grounds. It was BEAUTIFUL, and as CK had told me, "Oooh La LA!" And, to be sure, Father V. looked very proud of his new home and I can tell you already that he's a wonderful pastor to his new flock.

Unfortunately that evening he had duties pertaining to his state, and so Fr. Schnippel, CK, and I headed out to Luigi's for dinner, and then back to the rectory for a screening of "Bella", which, amazingly, did not make me cry. I think my only excuse was that there was so much coming at me this weekend that I maybe wasn't yet "myself." (It was an AWESOME movie, and actually, I got teary-eyed a couple times...ESPECIALLY in the abortion-clinic scene. And I think had I started, I might have kept going...)

ANYWAY...

A cool thing, though, that I HAVE to mention; before we headed out to dinner, Fr. V., Fr. S., CK, and I prayed evening prayer in the beautiful Church, and it was only the second time I've prayed Liturgy of the Hours with others (the first was with the Sisters last spring).

Well, CK and I drove back to Cleveland area to sleep, with the plans to meet the Fathers and LM at the Lourdes Shrine in Euclid the next day. For those who aren't aware, the shrine is especially dear to LM's heart for she will be joining the Sisters there next May. It was a blessed tour around the shrine, and ended in the chapel where Fr. V., Fr. S., LM, CK and I prayed Daytime prayer and a rosary in the chapel. We sang my favorite hymn (badly... * sigh * ) as we left. I send my apologies to Jesus and St. Thomas Aquinas. (Fathers..I TOLD you I can't sing anymore...good thing I'm not a cantor.)

That evening, we went to LM's house where we met her parents, Fr. Schnippel blessed the beer, as promised, in Latin no less! As we all stood around chatting and joking and drinking blessed beer, Uncle Jim and Aunt Roz arrived from Indiana, and I have to say...I felt like I was at a family reunion! After all we had Father(s), a Sister (to be), an Aunt, and Uncle and other people who FELT like long-lost relatives! We closed the evening with a special screening of "The Princess Bride" which was nearly quoted line-by-line by your favorte nerds: me, LM, Fr. V., and Fr. S. Uncle Jim was grinning ear-to-ear, not at the movie, but at OUR antics! And even though I've seen the movie many times, I'll still never watch it the same way again!

Saturday was another busy day; we met up at the Vatican Splendors exhibit, the main premise for my trip (even though it's coming to St. Paul), where I FINALLY got to meet commenter MJ, her son and his friend, and another commenter, Sylvana, from Fr. V.'s blog. The exhibit was WONDERFUL and there were a few moments where I was stopped in my tracks, the most prominent of which took place at a splendid ciborium and chalice. I stared at them, enclosed in a plexiglass case, realizing what they have contained, and in that moment thought, "Oh, Lord, I BELIEVE!" And there was no doubt in my mind. None.

Although there was an audio tour, for the most part I turned it off in favor of listening to Fr. S. as he provided many details about the various items in the exhibit. So, for those of you here in the Twin Cities...when it comes to St. Paul....GO! Who knows? I may go again! (Fr. V., Fr. S., LM, CK, MJ, Uncle Jim, Aunt Roz....wanna come to MN?)

After the museum, we headed to Little Italy for lunch, and then down to St. Sebastian's for Mass with Fr. V. CK and I stopped at her house quickly to grab a salad she'd made for that evening's dinner at the rectory, and then drove the 45 minutes to Akron, where we arrived just in time for Mass! And it was beautiful, and it was amazing to be present there at St. Sebastian's with the famous Fr. V. presiding.

For those of you who haven't seen the church...the photos can't do it justice. Fr. V. is an artist and so has an amazing eye for beautiful images, but there is no technology on earth that can truly engage in participation with divine designs created by human hands. The mosaic in the front is enormous..you can't IMAGINE the scale and truly, I couldn't keep my eyes off of it! I was constantly seeing something new! Same for the stained glass windows and the various things, such as the altars and statues in the church. I truly wish I could have spent an hour by myself alone in the church, just wandering around, praying, and soaking in the beauty.

And holiness...I need a HUGE dose of holiness....

Oh, sorry, did I get off track?

After Mass, CK, LM, LM's parents, Uncle Jim, Aunt Roz, MJ and I went with the Fathers to the rectory to socialize and have dinner. And a special treat; Fr. V's sister Mikki (who is just a DOLL) and a friend of his and her family joined us. It was yet another evening of much laughter, good food, good wine, and amazing friendship. Maybe I can't speak for everyone, but it was as if we'd all been good friends for YEARS! And again, it felt more like family. (Or maybe I just need to attend one of my own family reunions for once? Hmmmmm....)

Sunday most of us traipsed down to Akron again for Mass with Father Schnippel, which, again, was just incredible, and left a certain hilarity. Father, always the Vocations Director, worked to recruit the altar servers. One of them gave the ENTIRE CHURCH the "deer-in-the-headlights" look and sat perfectly straight, apparently convinced that Father was going to immediately drag him off to the seminary to the great amusement of us all. (Seriously...poor kid! But his expression was CLASSIC!)

Fr. S., LM, Uncle Jim, Aunt Roz, CK and I all went out to eat after Mass, and then saw our dear Aunt and Uncle off as they headed back to Indiana. The rest of us returned to Akron and St. Sebastian's. Fr. V. was not available that day, so we headed to an art show, where we worked up such a thirst in the summer afternoon sun that it was necessary to hydrate at Beer O'Clock! (That wasn't the place..it was the time...)

We returned to the Akron Zoo...um...rectory and went downstairs to hang out in the cool undergroundness that is specific to finished basements especially those with furniture ripe to make a FORTUNE on Ebay. Fr. V. returned from his life, as exhausted as the rest of us (and probably even more so). We weren't ready for dinner, all of us agreed "hanging out" was just fine, so after some languid afternoon conversation, we headed up to play a game of Bocci (what is that in Slavic?) behind the church.

Father Schnippel...did you and I win? I think we scored the winning points with our joint effort didn't we?



Then Fr. V. got the bright idea that we should explore St Sebastian's bell tower which, we were to learn, meant we had to pass through a hobbit door and then climb 6 rusty ladders from hell bolted to the walls. And don't even TALK to me about the spiders I KNOW were there! As Fr. V. noted, it took me awhile to battle my own stupid anxiety before I finally just DECIDED to climb. One thing Fr. V. didn't know, though...one of the reasons coming back down is so hard is, well, climbing down is always the most difficult, but I once fell through a hole just like those that were in the tower. It was NOT a pleasant experience. I gotta say, though, had I not climbed the tower to join the good Fathers at the top, I would have regretted it. And the view WAS as beautiful as Fr. V. says it is!

After the tour of the bell tower, after which we STILL forgot to ask to see Fr. V's supremely cool chalice, we returned to the basement for a lively game of trivia, thanks to my gracious hostess, CK. (What was the actual name of that game?) It was electronic and we played by a couple different rules. I'm ashamed to say that a couple times I got carried away and helped the other team (how embarassing!) and once realized the obvious answer when the time was done, and a couple times had "blonde" moments...but so did EVERYONE ELSE!

I'm going to spare everyone the embarassment of their own moments, especially considering that those of us who were there are the only ones who will think it funny.

Although, I have to say this: while I waited at the gate in Cleveland yesterday afternoon, on the loudspeaker they paged some guy named "Jeremiah". And in my head began the tune, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog..." yet my ADD brain substituted simultaneously, "PROPHET!"

And I'm STILL trying to find the similarities between Cashmere and Leather.

And for the life of me, I can't figure out how someone has never heard of "Fraggle Rock". Or the "No Spin Zone".

All in all, it was an incredible weekend with incredible friends, ones I hope to see again, and I'm still concocting plans to get back to Ohio...and Indiana. And come to think of it, I have a cousin in Lexington...maybe I can get there by way of Cincinnati....

Hmmmmm.......

You can read more about our weekend from the perspectives of Uncle Jim, Fr. V, Lillian Marie, and Fr. S. here and part 2, here.

Personally, I'm only disappointed in one thing. I figured, flying into Cleveland, that I'd be met at the gate by Drew Carey and his tribe, handed a couple of microbrews, and heckled all the way to the baggage claim.

But, that failure of Ohio etiquette notwithstanding, Cleveland DOES rock!

What do you think...will Ohio have me back?

Goin' Home Now..on a Jet Plane!

I did something quit shocking last Thursday...I got on a plane and headed to Ohio, a state I've never visited. But that's not the shocking part; people do that all the time. No, the shocking part is still coming....

I was coming to Ohio to visit several people I've never met in person, only via the internet. And let me tell you...I do NOT recommend that anyone do such a thing! And two of my friends, Fr. V. and Fr. Schnippel (who, by the way, also had never even met each other before that day) chastized me greatly for taking such a risk. And from that point on, a great time was had by all!

Also prominent among the "strangers" who are now friends were Uncle Jim, Lillian-Marie, and some monikered commenters such as MJ and guest blogger at Adam's Ale, CK, who also joined into the fray.

There is much to tell...but you'll have to wait. I'm still mulling over the adventured of the weekend, and besides...I haven't had any coffee yet. My gracious hostess, CK, has a coffee machine that, as she said, requires an Engineering degree in order to run, and the dear lady is still asleep in her exhaustion from the weekend. (So am I, so are we all!) In any case, I can barely form thoughts in the morning, much less run a complicated coffee maker!

Late this afternoon I'll get on a plane (a puddle-jumper, actually) and return to Minneapolis, sad to be leaving all of my friends in Ohio. But I've got a suggestion from Fr. S. to visit Cincinnatti, a hint from Uncle Jim and Aunt Ros to visit Indiana, and have to promise to return before Lillian-Marie enters the convent next May. No word on whether Fr. V. looks forward to my return... OH! And of course, I'm also expecting these friends to head up to my neck of the woods at some point in the future.

More to come...after I get home...and get some photos developed. For now...I'm headed to the kitchen for the coffee that is now brewing.

See ya back in the Land of 10,000 Lakes!

I'm Leavin' on a Jet Plane!

Things will be quiet around here for the next several days as I take a little jaunt of a flight to another city on a lake in another state.

It's been a crazy couple days just preparing for this trip. Of course, it wouldn't be so bad, just throwing some stuff in a suitcase, but because a friend is coming to stay at my house to dogsit while I'm away, I spent a long time cleaning, making sure it was set up for another person with my junk and clutter out of her way.

Gotta say...just taking the dog to a kennel is a lot easier, but my dog doesn't eat in captivity...something I learned when I first adopted her. So keeping her home is the best for her and besides...she loves visitors! Although I KNOW she's going to take advantage with Alpha Dog being away and I'll probably have to really crack down when I get back!

Such is life with pets. But it's worth it!

I haven't taken a trip anywhere in a long time and I need this vacation away from everything and plan to enjoy it!

Have a great weekend!

I'm Gonna Make You an Offer You Can't Refuse

They're ordained. They are busy with their own "children" and often overwhelmed with their respective areas of responsibility, but somewhere in all of that, they started blogs.

There are a TON of Catholic bloggers out there, and even MORE Catholic readers, faithful people, questioning people, Christians and non-Christians from all corners of the world, all somehow landing on Catholic blogs. And sooner or later, they'll find a blogging priest. There's a lot of blogging priests, too, and several I read.

But there are TWO in particular I follow most closely, and I know they follow my blog as well. And over the last year or so, they've both become friends, they've both given me snippets of advice here or there, and they've both made some pretty profound statements on their own blogs.

Recently I was joking with one of these Fathers, suggesting he was my blog chaplain. As soon as I sent those words in an email, I realized they were true, and there's an entire world of Catholics out there who may also claim these priests as "chaplains."

When I first began blogging, it opened up a world of Catholicism that is hidden from daily life, and I saw how important it is for us to maintain a web presence. Clearly, many priests and religious also see the value of the use of technology in this culture, and the resultant connections with Catholics from the local area spreading around the world really displays the universality of the Church.

The priests who blog have opened a door, one they likely never imagined was there, even as they turned the knob and pushed it open. That doorway takes them beyond the real-world parish or position they hold, and expands their ministry into cyberspace; they are Fathers of a cyber-parish that has no name, and because of their willingness to reach out, they have spiritual children they have never met.

Just as the people they see every day call them "Father", so do we, their readers, for they are Fathers to us as well.

And, I have to say, they've become Chaplains of a sort, and so I turned an idea over in my mind, sensing a need to recognize what they do and the importance to all of us. When I first began exchanging emails with one of these priests, I felt very guilty; he was faithful in responses and I feared I was being a pest, taking time away from those he was called to serve. Yet, ever gracious, a few simple questions or comments has turned into a friendship. The other priest was also gracious in his comments and various emails, even becoming a resource of sorts for me when I started a new position in a church. From hobby and random comments to...professional networking and real friendship.

The priest is not his own..although, typically, they remain in their assigned diocese, shepherding their flocks, each of which becomes family. The blogging priests, though, help us to realize that everywhere we as Catholics go, we have Shepherds, we have Fathers, and we have a home. Each and every priest is a Father to us all, even if we don't live in their diocese and regularly attend their parish. We could travel to Jerusalem, Minsk, Ocotlan, and still know that we have somewhere to go and we will be embraced as the spiritual children...and in turn, we will embrace these priests as our own Fathers.

The point is this; a priest's parish is not his only parish. His ministry goes far beyond, and, when they enter into cyberspace, they are also embracing the universality of the Church, giving a special fiat as they recognize that their parishioners are not limited to the walls of their specific assignment.

It is with great honor that I finally bring this post to its point: in trying to figure out how to honor those priests I've adopted as "my own" and in recognition that I've likewise been adopted by them, we've developed a new title. This is NOT a Meme. This is not a Blog Award. It is a Title, one given both in fun and all seriousness all at once, and one that will remain as a special gift to two priests I greatly respect and am proud to call "friends".

They are... the Blog Fathers.



I, in speaking also on behalf of Lillian Marie and Uncle Jim, as well as other bloggers and readers, known and unknown, give this Title and Honor to two very special priests, in no particular order:

Father Valencheck of Adam's Ale

and

Father Schnippel of Called by Name

For first saying "YES" to God, for providing us with an example of holiness through the use of blogging, for adopting us as your own "families", for your humor, your faithfulness to Christ and for walking on the proverbial water to bring the Gospel to those who need encouragement and those who have never met Christ. We definitely see Him in you.

Lillian-Marie ("Icon-ographer")
Uncle Jim
Adoro
...and countless others who also call you "Father". You are Chaplains in a non-traditional sense, but Chaplains just the same. Thank you, Fathers.

You have won the right to post the icon on your blogs and we hope you'll do so with pride!

God Bless you, Fathers!

One Word Meme

"Tagged" by Fr. Schnippel...

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your significant other? Huh?!
3. Your hair? ponytail
4. Your mother? home
5. Your father? deceased
6. Your favorite things? whatirememberwhenfeelingsad
7. Your dream last night? work
8. Your favorite drink? wine
9. Your dream/goal? God
10. The room you’re in? livingroom
11. Your church? Catholic
12. Your fear? Hell
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Eternity
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What you’re not? Saint
16. Muffins? Chocolatechip
17. One of your wish list items? GarrigouLagrange
18. Where you grew up? smalltown
19. The last thing you did? email
20. What are you wearing? clothing
21. Your TV? DVD
22. Your pets? GSD
23. Your computer? DUDE!
24. Your life? Unfinished
25. Your mood? introspective
26. Missing someone? Gianna
27. Your car? Ion
28. Something you’re not wearing? Hat
29. Favorite store? St. George
30. Your summer? unemployed
31. Like (love) someone? Jesus
32. Your favorite color? Blue
33. Last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? today
35. Who will re-post this? Hmmmmmmm
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