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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Empty Lines

Recently I had to find my birth certificate, the original of which my mother gave me long ago, as well as a fire-safe box to keep it in. It was folded neatly and stored in a little cardstock sheath imprinted with the name of the County Registrar back when I was born. When I pulled it out, I saw that Mom had also kept my baptismal certificate with it.

I turned it over, noting the dates of my Baptism, First Holy Communion, and Confirmation. Left blank, though, were the three other options: Marriage, Diaconate (for men), and Religious Profession.

For awhile, I stared at those words and the blank lines next to it. Date. Church. Place.

I don’t know if those lines will ever be filled in. Is it possible? Yes…sorta. I wonder, though, if perhaps I’m simply not meant for that lifestyle, for nothing in my life now is actually permitting me to move forward to follow that Call. There are certain steps that I must take, but I have not been free to make them. It’s not a matter, as some would suggest, of just “willing” it. We are not free, ever, to trample over others or let others always take up our slack so that we can pursue what may or may not be the right course of action. Pursuing God in selfishness is not pursuing Him, but oneself alone. So it is that I have not been free.

Perhaps that will change in time. Perhaps it won’t.

All I can do is live the life I have, the one that’s right in front of me, every day. All I can do is consecrate each new day to Our Lord and ask Him to help me be more like Him.

But now, there is a new image in my intellect, floating there, reminding me that there is unfinished business that can’t be forgotten: those empty lines next to “Religious Profession”, waiting for something, like the final chapter of a long, epic story.

For now, it is unfinished, a work in progress, and only God, the author of all Creation, knows how it will end, and He is wonderful at keeping secrets. I just wish He’d let me in a little on this one.

Those empty lines…


Miria Rose said...

I just want to let you know that you're not the only one who is waiting. I know how hard it is and as more time goes on it gets more difficult. Just remember that He waited thirty years before starting His ministry so He understands the frustrations. Never doubt that where you are in life is exactly where you are meant to be. Remember that "there is no vacation from your present vocation" and that "eternity is lived in a moment"
You are in my prayers.


Adoro said...

Miria Rose ~ Yes, all you say is true, however keep in mind that reality is also important. God has been waiting for me a LOT longer than I have been waiting for Him, and I am *NOT* young. Most people my age have been married for YEARS and have children by now, some of whom are soon to be graduating from high school.

I am where I am because I said "NO" to God for a very long time. Therefore I have reaped what I have sown and I continue to reap those same fields.

There is a very good chance that I will never enter religious life, not because of God, but because of my abuse of free will.