Imitation of Christ

We can only truly be formed into the image of Christ through suffering. Those who are called to trials and suffering should rejoice in that call, for it is an invitation to enter into a portion of His own suffering.

When we look at our world today, we see the ongoing persecution of the Church. The world hates us. It screeches at us, it wants to force us to conform to their ways, for the holiness of the Church is a standard the world cannot bear. The Church holds up a mirror to them and they see reflected there themselves. Rather than strive for holiness, they howl and cast stones at the mirror held up before them, which does nothing to shatter the Church, but only takes away from them the horrible visage of their own reflection.

It is far easier to cast stones than to turn one's gaze inward and listen to the voice of God who has imprinted the Law upon their hearts. Had He not done this, the experience of the mirror would not be so excruciatingly painful. These souls who experience this, tragically, have no where else to go. They are but the crowds who abandoned Christ, leaving only the remnant disciples with Him...and Jesus let them go.

He let them go so that He could send us out into the world, for thousands of years after His death and resurrection, to bring those souls back.

It is no wonder that so many strike against the Church. It is no wonder that the voice of the world seeks to silence us. It is no wonder that Christians all over the world are being slaughtered for simply following Christ. And it is no wonder that the Christians do not or cannot fight back against these enemies, for wasn't Jesus the lamb who went silently to slaughter?

What we suffer now is nothing more than the Passion of Christ as we walk the road to Calvary.

The Church, the Bride of Christ, is a holy, pure, reality. The fact that this Mystical Body is made up of sinners struggling for holiness is actually a greater sign of God's glory, for this struggle reveals that we are not called to conform to the world, but to Our Bridegroom, Our Savior who, as a wedding gift, gave His own blood so that we might have eternal life.

We, the Bride of Christ, the Church, must become like Christ if we are to carry out His mission, and that means we, too must walk in His bloody footsteps, we must also fall under the weight of the Cross so that He can lift us again and again, until finally, like Him, we the Church, will be lifted up and draw all men into this Mystical Body, in unity.

Jesus desired that all may be one, but that unity will come at a price, one each of us must pay through our own roles in the ongoing history of salvation.

The louder the world screams for our blood, the more glory there is for God and the more credibility the Church will have as we walk this triumphant road to Calvary to enter into the Wedding Feast of the Lamb.

Let us work then, to imitate Jesus, and not the world. Let their cries fall on deaf ears as we keep our eyes on the Cross and Resurrection. It is through this journey that we will, more and more, be conformed to Christ, both personally and in unity, as His Bride.

I Haven't Done Anything Either

So....where's MY prize?

And, when I get my Nobel Prize, can I have mine in Milka Milk Chocolate with their yummy cream center? (They make the BEST chocolate in the WORLD!)

Will I have to go to McDonald's and order a Happy Meal in order to get it, or should I just go to the store and get Cracker Jacks?

What I REALLY want to know, though, is how MUCH you don't have to do in order to be rewarded for not doing it?

The sad thing is that the bar is so low that even I'M too tall to reach it now. Never thought I'd say such a thing.... *sigh*

When even the underachievers can't match the underachievements of our Nobel Prize winners these days, well, what hope is there for the rest of us?

What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks?

Beloved, let us give thanks to God the Father, through his Son, in the Holy Spirit, because in his great love for us he took pity on us, and when we were dead in our sins he brought us to life with Christ, so that in him we might be a new creation. Let us throw off our old nature and all its ways and, as we have come to birth in Christ, let us renounce the works of the flesh.

Christian, remember your dignity, and now that you share in God’s own nature, do not return by sin to your former base condition. Bear in mind who is your head and of whose body you are a member. Do not forget that you have been rescued from the power of darkness and brought into the light of God’s kingdom.

Through the sacrament of baptism you have become a temple of the Holy Spirit. Do not drive away so great a guest by evil conduct and become again a slave to the devil, for your liberty was bought by the blood of Christ.

~ St. Leo the Great

If we fail to live in the light, we shall, to our condemnation and that of others, be veiling over and obscuring by our infidelity the light men so desperately need. As we know from Scripture, the man who received the talent should have made it produce a heavenly profit, but instead he preferred to hide it away rather than put it to work and was punished as he deserved.

Consequently, that brilliant lamp which was lit for the sake of our salvation should always shine in us. For we have the lamp of the heavenly commandment and spiritual grace, to which David referred: Your law is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Solomon also says this about it: For the command of the law is a lamp.

Therefore, we must not hide this lamp of law and faith. Rather, we must set it up in the Church, as on a lamp-stand, for the salvation of many, so that we may enjoy the light of truth itself and all believers may be enlightened.

~ St. Chromatius

We shall be blessed with clear vision if we keep our eyes fixed on Christ, for he, as Paul teaches, is our head, and there is in him no shadow of evil. Saint Paul himself and all who have reached the same heights of sanctity had their eyes fixed on Christ, and so have all who live and move and have their being in him.

As no darkness can be seen by anyone surrounded by light, so no trivialities can capture the attention of anyone who has his eyes on Christ. The man who keeps his eyes upon the head and origin of the whole universe has them on virtue in all its perfection; he has them on truth, on justice, on immortality and on everything else that is good, for Christ is goodness itself.

~St. Gregory of Nyssa

"I am the light of the world; he who follows me will not walk in darkness" ~ Jesus, John 8:12

One Hail Mary

Obviously I've been struggling a great deal lately, and really, I've been at the end of my rope. Tomorrow, I hope and pray, I'll make it to Confession (finally!) and get a fresh start. I have a lot of things to get off my soul, and today found myself nearly despairing.

Then I came across a post at Sancte Pater on the efficacy of one Hail Mary. Even though I pray my rosary en route to work every day, this post went right to the heart of something for me.

There, at my desk at work I put my hands over my face and prayed, slowly, a Hail Mary, nearly in tears.

There has been so much going on in my life, so much that is not publishable; I've been overwhelmed at work and with stuff for school (the latter partially as I simply haven't been able to focus very well.) It all adds up.

What I read today isn't new to me, but today, I really NEEDED to read it again, but more importantly, to experience it.

There truly is no such thing as a "bad rosary". If you are regularly praying it, even mouthing the words while your mind is elsewhere, is it very effective? Probably not. But it's better to be praying than not, isn't it? And grace can't be measured or quantified in any way. It is better, of course, to know what you are doing, and do it with intent.

Perhaps that is what I need to do; spend more time actually paying attention to the words, to the depth of the mystery of the Incarnation to be found in the words of the Angel's greeting to Mary, recognizing that there is our Redemption, at hand. In the hands of the Blessed Mother...who said yes.

We can pray to her with confidence in any troubles we face, for Jesus Himself made her our Mother as well, and she is ready, just waiting for us to ask her to help us come closer to Jesus.

Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee.

Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum; benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc et in hora mortis nostrae,

Amen.

Wanting to be Liked...and MORE!

Holiness isn't found in an instant. I'm constantly reminded it's found in the little moments, the small decisions we make every day. We don't seek holiness for accolades, but because we love God and want to be closer to Him.

The holier we are, the less we worry about what others think of us.

That's the problem, isn't it? We all want to be liked. We all want people to love us, and it really wounds us when someone we know expresses dislike in some way, or if we simply can't get along with them for some reason.

This is something I've often had to face since I began working in a parish.

Given that I came to this position with long experience in male-dominated fields, I'm pretty used to being the "bad guy". Given that I've worn a uniform a certain percentage of the world hates on sight, I can withstand the "evil eye" shot in my direction, especially considering that it's not personal.

I was surprised, then, in starting parish work, to find that the "evil eye" from a parishioner was devastating.

To be perfectly honest, never in my life have I ever hit such directed, personal hatred as I did when I began working in a Catholic parish and ran aground of the people who saw that I was disrupting the comfortable status quo.

Oh, yes, it was personal, and it was hatred. Let's call it what it is; the reality is that this happens across the spectrum of orthodoxy or lack therof. I see and lament it enough in the blogosphere, and I've even been a part of it.

Yes, I know I rant (on my blog), but I try to keep the rant general, not about the people, but the issues that we face. I may look at Sr. XYZ in her navy pantsuit and detest her eco-spirituality, but maybe I like her as a person and find her fun to talk to as long as the topic has nothing to do with theology. I've spoken with dissident priests, seeing in them something truly wonderful (one who had just absolved me after a very powerful confession), gritting my teeth against some of his expressed theology. Yet...in him I saw great compassion, understanding, and proper knowledge of Christ in the Sacraments. Something that in fact, led me closer to Jesus, lent to a greater ability to trust Him.

You see, I'm trying hard (still working on it) to separate the people from the issues. We are all sinful creatures in need of mercy.

It really hurts like hell when someone we know we are supposed to love directly targets us, takes aim, and fires.

That's what happened to me my first year. I didn't set out to alienate anyone, and actually tried to deliver Truth gently, making sure to incorporate myself and my own culpability in our Faith. I didn't do a very good job...some of my wording WAS too harsh. It wasn't all wording, though. The message itself is sometimes harsh, and if it's never been brought to the forefront, those it impacts the most repel it violently.

Some of the problem was that no matter how gently a message is delivered, there are those who won't accept it, and want to remain with the status quo, which in our day and age involves pluralism and relativism. Anyone who speaks truthfully of the Church, of Christ, is therefore going to offend anyone who rejects those teachings. The "offended" person, wearing the label belonging to the objective teachings, seeing that they don't actually match the label they claim, gets very defensive and lashes out.

They make the attack personal, in a way only an "offended" human can: viciously, with defamation of character and snarkiness. Never in person, though. In person, they are sweet as southern pecan pie. In any case, it's much easier to attack and silence the messenger than it is to go to the Cross and destroy Christ. Or, in someone open to the message, to actually take it in and experience conversion.

It's been some time now, and people at my work have gotten used to me and have gotten to know me as I've also gotten to know them. I recognize so many more faces these days, even if I don't know the names, and have to confess that in knowing them, I want to be liked by them as well. I want to be on their side, I want them on my side. Even though I am but an employee there, I am also a Catholic, therefore I see us as family.

I will their good, and so I teach/preach what I believe to be for their good, and I try to do it in such a way that all can handle the message...and desire more of it.

I guess that's the problem with being "family". Sometimes speaking the truth and doing my job means ruffling feathers. Sometimes it means having MY feathers ruffled. It means being challenged.

It means I have to be dependent upon God, for if I am not, I will be eaten alive.

I'm giving a few talks this week to a group of parents, something I have to do every year, and have to admit I don't think it's fun. I don't think I'm a very good speaker and wish I could just provide the information to someone else and have someone else deliver the message.

This afternoon I expressed this to my boss, saying that all the work was done; all someone would have to do is to step in and READ it!

Laughing she told me, "Adoro...just READ it!"

No! I meant SOMEONE ELSE!

OK, never mind...I'll go.

The core of my problem isn't any real phobia, or anything else. It's fear, of knowing I'm going to speak the Truth and some people are not going to like me because of it. The Truth is uncomfortable. I know it well...it still makes me uncomfortable, as it should.

But maybe the worst thing: I don't want to experience that because I want people to like me.

Oh, it's painful to admit that fact about myself.

Certainly, it's very necessary, in apologetics, in evangelization, to have a relationship with the other party. If I'm not friendly with Mr. Y or Mrs. M, why should they trust anything I say, or especially that it is coming from an eternal source, not just the Gospel according to Adoro?

In meeting big groups, I find it harder to deliver the message of the gospel, because I'm talking AT people. When I get to have these same discussions with small groups, or individually, they can ask questions as we go, which makes it more interpersonal. If I've been unclear in my presentation, they can ask for clarification. If I am in error, they can call me on it! (So far my biggest errors have actually been typoes, clerical stuff, not theology!)

But still, the key is in the relationship. I think it is easier now to speak to these groups because I know them, and consider many to be friends. I had to speak tonight and had among that crowd several parents I actually would have said didn't have to be present because they were last year or the year before. One said she wanted to be there for support, and after my talk, said she appreciated how the message was delivered.

I was glad to have her there. Her presence DID help, especially because I'd told her she didn't have to be there and I could just meet with her separately with any details.

There were others who didn't even ask, and I knew they were there not for the information, but to give support, to get anything new, to offer what they could. Wonderful people.

It's good to be liked. It's good to have friends. We can't survive without friends, or without their support.

But we can't depend on that or allow that to define us.

We can't fear delivering the message of the Gospel for fear someone won't like us anymore if we do. Or maybe that they'll outright hate us for simply professing our belief.

We live in challenging times, where it is "uncool" to be religious, unless we are "religious" in the pluralistic self-serving sense, that everything is truth, and truth is subjective, personally defined.

We who work in parishes have to wander through such muddy waters and help souls come out of it into the light that is Christ alone. It's tough work, we're going to take barbs, we're going to have fishhooks impale us, and we're going to bring up old boots when we go diving for lost souls.

But we can't give up. Whether we work for a parish or simply love Jesus and want to bring Him to others, we're going fishing in the muddy bottoms, and if we give up, it'll be too late. We're going in for rescue...not body recovery. When it gets to the latter, it's too late.

It's really no surprise that some we bring up through the muddy waters flail about and scream at us and express anger. It's no wonder they are defiant and combative. In emergency medicine, people who have been deprived of oxygen are often combative. It's a HUGE sign, and never one to take personally. They simply don't know what they are doing. Once they have breathed clean air for awhile, they come to their senses, they come to themselves....they come to Life.

Year for Priests

Before I worked in a church, I really didn't understand what priests deal with every day. I know that what I do is a privilege, for I speak with his authority, through the Bishop. If I give Church teaching...it needs to be Church teaching. Father trusts me to do that, the Bishop, by extension, trusts me to do that...on up to the Pope.

But there's more. People often look at priests without realizing the depth of what they do, who they are. Their parishes ARE their families, their parishioners...their children. I think they even have special concern for their employees (although I haven't much pondered this and need another viewpoint.) Myself, I see the priest I work for differently than I see my own Pastor; the relationship is definitely different, as it should be.

Still, though, it's not the same as secular employment. Faith changes EVERYTHING.

I know I am not called to parish work, although it's where I am now. It has changed me, it has given me a more mature perspective, something I needed, especially as a blogger. It has given me the chance to see people as they are, in all their needs, and the Church, in the depths of her true warfare.

Priests see this too, even MORE deeply. I know that if all I wrote in this post is true, it is even more deeply so for a Priest, who has charge of the parish. When I go home at night, my responsibility is done, but for my moral life. When a priest goes home at night...well...he never leaves. He IS home.

And because he is human, he wants to be liked, too. He wants to be loved. I know guys are not so emotional as we women, but foundationally we are all social and have this same need. I'm sure that it wounds Priests even more than it does me when they have to face the ire of their parishioners, for whom they have laid down their lives.

Pray for priests. Never let a day go by that you do not pray for your own Pastor, for his sanctity, for God to guide him in all the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and for his safety.

This is his prayer for you as well. Don't let that prayer be one-sided.

****

Vocation, Travail, and the Joyful Mysteries

For months and months now, I've been praying the Joyful Mysteries while pondering the gift and joy of Vocation, hoping to "get" it.

As I ponder this, I find I can't actually get through all the Mysteries, for they are not yet at any point of fruition in my life. As I pray, I try to see my own life, my own Call (whatever it is, whatever it means) in that of the life of Jesus and Mary.

Maybe one day I'll formally write a meditation on each Mystery, but for now, I'm only seeking to eke out the treasures, to understand my own relationship with Jesus through them, knowing they are relevant, but not always understanding how, or why. Each time I pray these particular Mysteries, I am trying to find the Joy, find the connection, and if I am stuck, well...I either complete the rosary as prescribed or stick with where I'm stuck, pondering what I can't understand.

The First Joyful Mystery: The Annunciation

The Angel Gabriel appeared to Mary, saying, "Hail, Full of Grace! The Lord is with Thee! Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb!" (Luke 1:28, 2:42)

Mary was at first frightened, yet had an implicit understanding of what the Angel said, for she responded in complete Trust: "Let it be done unto me according to Thy word." (Luke, 38) In the Angelus prayer, we find the Gospel of John 1:14: "And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us."

All by Mary's fiat. She said yes. She said YES unconditionally. Not just then, but in every moment. When she gave her fiat, as they say, all of heaven and earth held their breath, awaiting her response. She made our salvation possible; she who had been chosen, purified, and prepared (through Grace) by God to receive the Word, gave her acquiescence to the Holy Spirit, who descended upon her as a pure vessel, like Mt. Sinai, Like the Ark of the Covenant, like the Holy of Holies; she was overshadowed by Kahvod, by the Untranslatable Kahvohd, conceiving of the Messiah out of her own flesh. A Virgin, pure, free from sin, Immaculate, for she had been created for this moment...and every moment forward.

She didn't just say "yes" in that moment, but to everything, and took action IMMEDIATELY.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women, and Blessed is the fruit of Thy Womb...Jesus.

The Second Joyful Mystery: The Visitation

Mary, having conceived of the Holy Spirit, got up and went to Elizabeth, her cousin. The Bible doesn't say much as to her reasons, but we can surmise that she was responding to the prompt of her Spouse, the Holy Spirit, and her human need to both comfort and be comforted. What we know from scripture is that she trusted in the promise of God, thus, before she arrived she knew Elizabeth in her age was with child.

To those who say Mary was "just a woman": Was that particular man-made Protestant doctrine created by MEN who have abandoned their wives and daughters? How could God call men and women to marriage and yet impregnate the Virgin Mary, abandoning her to the world? Isn't that idea a man-made, man-pleasing doctrine, suggesting sexual pleasure without responsibility? How convenient to men!

Isn't it more like the gentle, protective, creative Holy Spirit to be a gentleman, to live up to His promises and treat the Blessed Mother of Jesus as the spouse that she is and remains for eternity? Did He abandon her, or did He provide for her in every moment? Certainly He called her to suffer, but what Mother hasn't suffered?

But I digress, for this Visitation of Mary is relevant in every age, but in this Mystery, we must get to the core of the Mystery itself, which preceded the Paschal Mystery:

Mary arrived at the house of Zecheriah and upon her entrance, at the sound of her voice, the infant in St. Elizabeth's womb LEAPT at the presence of Mary when Elizabeth exclaimed to her, "Who am I that the Mother of My Lord would come to me?" (Luke 1:43)

Elizabeth recognized Mary for her sublime dignity, graced to her by God, recognizing her Vocation as Mother of us all, Mother of Jesus. St. John the Baptist, there at six month's gestation, LEAPT at Mary's and Jesus's presence (Luke 1:44); there, where Jesus would have been but a "lump of cells" in modern terms.

Was Mary just the Holy Spirit's little heifer? Was Jesus just a "mass of tissue"? Was the unborn St. John the Baptist just an overactive mass in his mother's barren womb?

If the humanity and divinity of Jesus, and the full prophetic humanity of St. John the Baptist were present in that moment, how can ANYONE claiming to be Christian and CATHOLIC claim that contraception and abortion are merely political issues?

If Jesus, a tiny tiny, scientifically unrecognizable embryo, at the point he met the fetus St. John the Baptist, were fully human beings at the time of that meeting....how can anyone who claims to be Christian continue to claim that contraception and abortion are not murder?

"Who am I that the Mother of My Lord would come to me?"

The Third Joyful Mystery: The Birth of Christ

Mary returned to Nazareth, three months later, full with child, where Joseph considered divorcing her quietly. He did not "know" her and had believed her to be pure; yet she returned clearly having conceived.

He did not want her to be stoned, and at his own word, such would be done for he was the betrayed betrothed. An Angel appeared to Joseph, revealing that indeed, his betrothed had remained pure, was chosen by God, and...so was he. Joseph the protector, Joseph the husband, Joseph the father.

The stares of the people, the scandal assumed, that Joseph had had relations with Mary before they were married! His very silence indicated both had been impure!

Both accepted the scorn without comment, letting others assume the worst, knowing God had chosen them for greater. Their humility lives on today...the scorn of their contemporaries has died in oblivion, without name, their gossip, unrecalled, their ashes...lost to the desert of Nazareth where they were buried.

Joseph and Mary, the couple scorned, have been elevated according to the glory God chose to bestow upon them; Mary conceived without sin, Theotokos, Joseph, adopted Father of God, whose adult life was lived in the shadow of the Mother of Jesus.

They traveled to Bethlehem, the place of Joseph's birth, for the census. What hardships they endured, physically and spiritually! How did the couple come to know each other in chastity and trust, knowing God had joined them, and their child would save all of humanity from their sins?

Travail

This is where I lose the thread of meditation. I know Mary is in travail, and after the conception of Christ, after the Visitation, after her journey, she gives birth.

The great Saints have said that her travail was not painful, for pain was/is penalty for sin, which she did not endure. Yet it is clear that Mary suffered far more than any woman on earth. I look to Revelation 12, where Mary (the Woman) flees to the desert and the Dragon makes war on her offspring. I know that is us; we are her offspring, for she is the Mother of all, even of Eve, whom she replaced.

I am stuck in "travail".

Even though I am single and know that I am called to marriage, I know that I am still called to motherhood in some sense. The Word has been conceived in me, and I gave my own fiat, believing it is true, accepting, foundationally, that there IS a Call from God.

I have said "Yes" to that Call, albeit imperfectly.

It has occurred to me, over the last year or so, and now, in my present darkness, that what I experience is akin to labor, although it is spiritual. A woman in travail, (labor) as her hour comes, experiences the ebb and flow of terrible, terrible contractions. She has nurtured the child in her womb for close to nine months, has sacrificed, has loved and awaits the coming of this wonderful child. She knows that what emerges is a result of love, a gift from God, and is life eternal.

As she comes closer and closer to giving birth, her pains become stronger, more intense, and longer in duration. She screams, she weeps, she writhes in pain, and no one can comfort her for there is no comfort to be found, until that tiny babe finally rests in her waiting arms, revealing her fulfillment.

It may be a moment, it may be minutes or hours, or even a few days.

Spiritually, it can be years.

I can't now write of the remaining two Mysteries; that of the Presentation of Jesus and of Finding Him in the Temple. I am still struggling to give birth to whatever I have conceived of the Lord.

For now, I must wait, accepting the intensity of the pain, trusting in God, knowing that this is not for nothing.

If I am a part of the Church, a Bride in the general sense that applies to all Christians, then it stands to reason that I must experience this travail, I must fight this war, and I must, even in this desert, know that God will open the earth to swallow what threatens.

Though my veil be torn and my countenance blemished, I can flee to my Savior, for by Him have I conceived this Faith and only through Him can I give it life and live it to the fullness.

And while they were there, the time came for her to be delivered, and she gave birth to her first-born son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

Dear God Why Today?

I nearly got up and left Mass during the first reading.

Of all days, of all time, why did it have to be THOSE readings?

If there weren't two people blocking my exit from my pew I would have picked up my stuff and left. I quite literally couldn't take it today. It's a good thing they were there.

I spent the entire Mass trying to hold back tears, often not very successfully.

So much for feeling better after Mass. Not that Mass is supposed to be fun. After all, Jesus wasn't exactly having "fun" when He hung on the Cross, dying, and what is Mass but the re-presentation of Calvary? When we are at Mass, we are quite literally at the foot of the Cross!

It's not supposed to be "fun".

Of course, during Mass the sacrifice of Calvary is made present as an unbloody sacrifice; for me today, though, it was quite bloody. Quite.

I'm still crying. And maybe that's proper.

*

Reevaluating the Single Vocation

Disclaimer: This is a "thinking out loud" post, otherwise known as...pondering ponderously, not looking for agreement or disagreement, not advancing a position, just...putting thoughts into words and seeing where it ends up. This will be a long post. Get yourself some coffee or maybe a nice cup of tea. Sleepytime Tea might be appropriate.

I used to write on this a lot, and my position was that being Single is a legitimate Vocation, although such goes against John Paul II's Theology of the Body. I changed my position on that after awhile, and have been holding to the standard that there are but three possible Vocations: Marriage, Priesthood, and Religious Life.

I eliminated Marriage; at a wedding a couple years ago, a truly beautiful wedding involving a Presentation to the Blessed Virgin Mary after the Vows, I was absolutely floored to realize I didn't WANT to get married! EVER! And it was one of the most freeing, refreshing moments of my life. It was not to say I did not love and support marriage, but just the realization God was not calling me to it. It was beautiful.

This revelation freed me to comfortably discern religious life, knowing the door to Marriage was closed.

Where does that leave the Single life?

It's a legitimate question. For myself, I'd stopped considering it. The Single life, as it is lived today, is simply unnatural. I know that what I'm living just isn't right somehow, although I can't really put it into words. We Singles, at least in America, tend to live alone, or maybe with one or two others who may or may not share our religious and moral beliefs (which SHOULD be one and the same, but just sayin'). Myself...I live in solitude, and as much as I love my solitude, I know that it is somehow disordered. It's not what is supposed to be. It hinders my ability to grow in holiness for there is no one to hold me accountable for my behavior, even in the little things.

Single life was not always so, nor is it so everywhere, although as the world as a whole becomes more secularized and less family-oriented, the disordered existence of the single life is becoming even more so. What do I mean by that?

Juxtapose the first paragraph of this section with other cultures: single women live with their families, maybe for life. They live to take care of their parents, to assist with nieces and nephews, remaining always a part of a community of sorts. When monasticism was more common, single women would enter what was then called "Third Orders", and live their single life in the community, with their family, but they weren't proper religious. They lived for the Church, they cared for the poor...but they lived a limbo that did not belong properly to marriage OR religious life.

A Brief and Incomplete Discussion on "Third Order" or "Tiertiary" statuses

The Third Orders have changed over time. Some Third Orders today are proper Religious who take vows and wear a habit, such as the Third Order Franciscans. (You would recognize them as such: Father, Brother or Sister John Mary, TOR)

I had my head bitten off by our local Vocations Director when I used the term "Third Order" in an email, because, confusingly, some Lay Orders still use the term "Third Order" and most do not, all due to the changing terms. Those orders that are proper religious get snarky when lay communities continue to use the term, and I'm quite sure Fr. Vocations Director has gotten an earful more than once himself. Which he passed on to me. Point taken.

Yet I have also come to learn that even using the term "Secular Order X" is in question, for some Secular Orders are actually religious, too...in a way. And I don't totally understand that. So I'm leaving it alone.

What we seem to have available to us, in terms that offend no one and don't crowd in on anyone's wanting to redefine terms that are constantly being couched or appended, for good or bad, is the phrase, "Lay".

We the laity, whether married, single, or even those who are Clergy (Priests, Deacons), can all enter into communion with a religious community as a "Lay Dominican" or "Lay Franciscan" or a "Lay Cistercian". Each Order seems to have a different term to apply to this particular status. The more left-wing Religious Communities call them "Consociates" or maybe "Affiliates". The more traditional (and I mean really traditional) will still use the term "Third Order." I don't think anyone uses the term "Tiertiary" anymore.

Why did I digress into all this? Because if I didn't, some commenter would jump in and define all this, and I have no doubt that will STILL happen because it's IMPOSSIBLE to be thorough in what is intended to be a brief blog post. (Which alone is clearly an impossible feat for me.)

Anyway, what does this all have to do with the Single life?

EVERYONE who reads my blog knows that I've really been struggling lately. I've been on edge, outright depressed, realizing that yes, God is calling me to something, but it's not Marriage, it's not Religious Life (which I thought it was, as my only other option), and my longer-term followers know that some time ago I was working with others on forming a chapter of Lay Dominicans. Which finally hit a wall and died. For ALL of us who were exploring the option. The Holy Spirit has spoken.

So here I am, still a single woman, still certain I am NOT called to marriage. So often I am in Adoration while weddings take place next to the chapel. I hear the music, watch the Bride and Groom process out with great joy, and still...it doesn't call me. I'm happy for them and pray for them and hope they realize that their Vows before God and the Church are for life. But I don't want to be there and be one of them.

I've written of how Religious Life isn't calling me, either. Maybe that was the source of my terrible terrible interior experience while I visited the Sisters this summer; it ISN'T calling me, although I so thought that it was...and SHOULD.

Because, as I said before....it was my only other option. Knowing that I wasn't called to Marriage, knowing the Single life isn't right and isn't a legitimate Vocation, well...religious life has to be IT!

And so many told me how the Hound of Heaven would come after me if I tried to flee my Vocation, how I won't attain the holiness God has in mind for me, how I won't find true happiness if I flee and just ignore the Call. Some have said they think I'm just not accepting the Gift of Vocation (implying in the context of our conversations that my Vocation is religious life), and the worst, the worst, the very worst...the implication that I should just "do it!" because I allegedly have nothing to lose.

I confess I have sometimes thought that if I won the lottery, I'd pay off my debt, get rid of my stuff, and enter religious life, if I was accepted. But that wouldn't be a true sacrifice, would it? And those AREN'T my circumstances. The reality is that YES I have something to lose, and maybe God isn't calling me to lose it. The fact that I don't currently happen to CARE about what I have to lose doesn't mean that God doesn't have something to say about it.

I can't make a decision on something so important as my Vocation just because maybe I have "nothing to lose". If I don't know what I truly have, if getting rid of my house, my debt, my crappy stuff isn't a loss to me, how is that a sacrifice? Isn't that just looking for escape?

No. I won't enter religious life on a whim that I have "nothing to lose". That's a fallacious argument from silence. I might in fact, be placing myself out of God's will to do such a thing. I truly don't care if I lose all that I own. The sad thing is...it all owns me. I CAN'T escape it. I have nowhere to go. My impediment to entering religious life...I am owned. By sin and by debt and it's all my own fault. If it was what God intended for me originally, in any case, I don't want it and the door is shut.

And that's what it comes down to; I don't want it and the door is shut. I shut it. Maybe God already did but I thought it open. I tried the knob, it hasn't opened, maybe it's just stuck, but I'll take a hint. NO ONE can say I didn't seriously attempt to open the door. No one who knows me.

Or maybe my depression of the last couple weeks is indicative of my interior struggle at refusing God's sincere Call. I'll be discussing that option with my SD and with no one else.

So I am back to being Single

Do you see why I've been so depressed?

The premise that I have sought so sincerely, and single heartedly has not been borne out.

I defined my options as Priesthood, Marriage, and Religious Life. I am a woman and God has said only men are called to be Priests, and I agree with God on that. Wholeheartedly! I have eliminated Marriage, and now, I have eliminated Religious Life.

I am bereft.

Single, alone...without a Vocation. God has left me abandoned. So it seems.

A friend a few years ago, before I began discerning anything, said to me, "It's clear you have been set aside."

At first I was insulted, but over time came to realize that "set aside" is the highest of compliments. Things that are holy are said to be "set aside". They are marked in a special way to be designated for God, to point to God, to be used by God for something amazing.

For the record, there is NOTHING amazing about me. I don't stand out in a crowd and never will (Ironic I used to want to be famous. How dumb.) If I could avoid standing in front of a crowd and speaking...I would. If I could hide under my desk at work all day and just push stuff out through a little window...I would.

Then, today, I had an amazing revelation as I did my Mariology reading. There was mention of St. Catherine of Siena, one of my favorite Saints.

Back to the Single Vocation

St. Catherine of Siena was SINGLE. She was not properly a religious. Yes, she wore a habit as a Tiertiary Dominican, but she lived at home, with her family. At the command of God, she was essentially cloistered in her own room for three years, communing with God. She was an Anchoress, receiving visitors at her window, providing spiritual direction. Her mother used to command her to "Come out and help with the housework!".

Finally God told her to be obedient to her mother and to do as she asked. This St. Catherine did, and also entered into the community to care for the sick. And not just the sick, but those most ailing. Those no one wanted to touch. (I'm quite certain St. Catherine of Siena was a great inspiration for Bl. Mother Teresa!)

St. Catherine's family tried to force her into marriage, but she "disgraced" herself by cutting her hair. God never called her to Marriage. He never called her to enter the Dominican Monastery and live as a contemplative religious.

In her time, yes, she wore a habit and fulfilled all, but her juridical status was as a single woman...and what great things she did! She lived and died for God! She had a mystical marriage to Him, suffered hidden stigmata (which appeared after her death), and as a Single woman...saved the Church.

St. Joan of Arc was also a single woman. God did not call her to enter a religious community, and did not call her into marriage. She lived for God and died for Him, a virgin martyr.

Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, did all he did as a single man. I believe he discerned he was called to marriage, so an argument can be made there. However...he was never married, was he? In reality, he lived and died in God's will...as a Single man. He, too, for those who don't know, was a Third Order Dominican.

I have to say, then....was he REALLY called to Marriage? It seems not, for he did all of his great work in this life as a Single man, and died before Marriage. As that Married Vocation wasn't lived out, can it really be said he was called to Marriage? I don't think it can. God couldn't have called him to marriage if He had intended and known that dear Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati be called Home before such Vows could be expressed.

There are other Saints and Blesseds out there who make this point.

A Vocation isn't a Vocation until it is realized. Until then, it is all discernment.

Just as in law, the crime label upon someone isn't imposed until sentencing (which is often for a lesser charge), so it is in the spiritual life a Vocation isn't imposed until profession or ordination.

That is what is binding.

So perhaps, after all this, God is calling me to the Single Life. So be it. I will accept that. All it means is that once again I am thrust into discernment; for the Single life, properly lived, still means there is a mission and there must be some kind of consecration to God, whether ordinary or extraordinary.

As there is nothing extraordinary about me, I'll once again look into what is ordinary (i.e. Lay Dominicans, where I am most drawn) and hope to live out the simple holiness God has always intended for me. We are ALL called to Holiness, and no matter what, I will work on that foundational principle of the Christian life.

Single, apparently IS a Vocation...but not one without strings. So I'm off to find that string again, one I thought was gone but maybe is just waiting for me to come back to it.....

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St. Catherine of Siena, St. Joan of Arc, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati.... PRAY FOR US!

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*********Please, for the love of God and for His Mercy, stop offering me advice. I'm not asking for any and don't need it. Thank you. ***

Idiocy

I'm nearing the end (I hope) of a very self-destructive week so I'm just going to keep going because at this point I have nothing to lose and don't really care:

This week a local newspaper ran an article about the planning sessions being held by the Archdiocese. I am not going to link to the article.

The article itself started off with a bad opening line, went into a basic summary of some issues faced by the local Catholic diocese, and then, if one desired, one could read the multitude of vile hatred spewed by asinine ignoramuses who aren't Catholic, who hate the Church without any factual reason for doing so, and who clearly hate anyone who professes the Catholic Faith.

As usual, several vile, ignorant, and hateful commenters trot out the abuse scandals, accuse the Vatican of withholding "wealth" and all sorts of other baseless charges leveled against the Church.

To my fellow Catholics:

The world hates us. But it hated Christ before us. Why should WE be any different?

But some of those vile, hatred-spewing idiots are unfortunately alleged "ex-Catholics", and instead of being part of the solution, they're advancing warfare against their own Mother.

We shouldn't be so surprised. People are fickle.

My fellow Catholics, if you have left the Church or are trying to leave the Church because of a few bad men, I hope you look deep into your own souls and realize you're just as evil and flawed. Who do you think you ARE, leaving the rest of the Mystical Body of Christ? What a yellow streak you have, you COWARDS! What happened to your Baptismal promises, to your Confirmation?

Or didn't you ever MEAN what you said? To you parents who had your children Baptized...didn't you MEAN it when you made those baptismal promises on behalf of your child? And now you're going to tear your children away from Jesus and take them into what, a garbage dump? Where else is there to go?

Isn't receiving OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity ENOUGH for you?

If you leave the Catholic Church because people are fallable, then you were NEVER Catholic to begin with! We aren't Catholic for our faith in Men, but for our Faith in God. And DAMMIT we are a FAMILY and you are a part of it! You do NOT get to leave your family, no matter how much your family sucks!

Blood binds, and you, Catholics, are bound by Blood, by Water, and by Oil. You don't get to leave. You can run and you think you can hide, but you'll be back because there is an indelible mark upon your soul. And you're only this angry because you feel so betrayed.

Do you think you're the only person in history who has ever been betrayed...by MAN? You haven't been betrayed by GOD, but by MAN, and MAN is fallible!

Get over yourself and focus on Our Lord who DIED for you and gave you the incredible privilege of calling you into the Catholic Church!

Our ancestors DIED for our Faith! When St. Ignatius of Antioch was eaten by lions, Catholics, average men, women, and children, who had been hiding in terror stood up and proclaimed their Christian Faith. They were all mercilessly slaughtered at the hands of pagan rulers and their henchmen. They didn't die for a lie.

And yet, you so-called "ex-Catholics" or "former-Catholics" are fleeing INTO the lies! And propagating them!

WHY are you persecuting Christ?

If our parishes close, it's YOUR own damn fault.

I'm first to admit I haven't done my part. I haven't supported my parish enough. Neither have YOU.

But there's one reason parishes are closing and I can't claim to be a part of that particular problem. Read on.....

The vile ignoramuses that comment all over secular news articles mentioning the Church keep crying that the Church is dying, the Catholic Church needs to "get with the program" or she will disappear. They say the Church is irrelevant to our age.

The vultures, clearly, are circling, but apparently they haven't read ahead; the Church will NEVER die.

The only death to be found is OUTSIDE the Church.

We see this in our modern society. Have you noticed the rate at which public schools are closing? In my county alone, my DISTRICT alone, I think, are 6 or 8 schools closing and merging.

I don't see anyone out there crying out that the American Government is dying. That's really interesting, because there are a HELL of a lot more public schools closing than there are Catholic parishes.

The reality is that both public schools and Catholic schools/parishes are actually closing for the same reason: low birth rates. Low birth rates is equal to fewer people growing up, getting jobs, paying taxes, and contributing to their parishes and other public services.

What causes low birth rates in a wealthy society such as ours?

Let's think about it..hmm.... Oh! Right! Contraception! Abortion! People, our population is IMPLODING! And NO ONE wants to acknowledge the elephant in the room. The biggest sex scandal of our time has NOTHING to do with a few perverted priests, but rather the perverted view of sex that makes people think children aren't the purpose and natural end of the sexual act!

The greatest perversion, the greatest scandal in our society is the slaughter of our unborn, and the very prevention of their lives through contraception!

But parishes are closing for more than THAT reason; greed and laziness are factors, too.

If your parish closes, it's because there aren't enough people to actually foot the bills. My guess is that there aren't enough people willing to volunteer their time to make things happen, either. I work in a parish that's doing ok, even in these times, although as it is for everyone everywhere, things are tight. Only a small percentage of the parish does ANYTHING to actually help. People arrive, they expect services they receive for free, they complain about any fees they are charged for things like religious education, never contribute to the Offertory at all, and then moan and complain that the Church isn't doing enough to help the poor, or themselves, or whatever their pet project happens to be.

HEL-LO! The Church's job is to DISTRIBUTE and ADMINISTRATE what YOU give to the poor! The POOR are YOUR problem! The people in the Church who actually keep those books take your donations and distribute them according to need and among the many different programs that require money to do things like purchase food for the poor!

And never mind the parish staff, who can't pay their own damn bills! You know why? Because YOU don't contribute enough for that, either!

What...you really think all a parish does is done for free? Maybe it could be if more of you would step up to the plate and offer your time, abilities, and expertise!

This isn't a Catholic problem.

I've spoken with people from MANY different religions, and they see the same problems, and the same causes. As it turns, out, shockingly, people are the same everywhere.

It seems to me, thought, that unfortunately, "Catholics" are the biggest whiners, especially those who actually don't know their faith at all and would rather spend time attacking it. The people who do the LEAST tend to complain the MOST when things don't go their way, and simply are at a loss when a parish they never contributed a DIME to suddenly closes. Suddenly it's someone else's fault. Let's blame it on the Vatican.

My fellow Catholics, the problems we face in the Church today are OURS. Let's take responsibility for our own failings, whether our failings belong to contraception, abortion, greediness (on our own personal part!), laziness, or anything else.

God did NOT send Christ into the world so that we could sit at His feet and whine about how no one is taking care of us and some of our spiritual leaders are sinners.

Last time I checked, Jesus died horribly for us each, individually. He called us EACH into His Body and expected we'd all contribute in some way. In fact, He sent the Holy Spirit to EMPOWER us to take Him into the world, but you know what? We suck at it, and it's because we're rejecting Him. We're sending the Holy Spirit away because we want to revel in comfort and let someone else do the heavy lifting.

Showing up for Sunday Mass once in awhile is not a "contribution". It's pathetic. Stop saying you're "contributing" or that you're "Catholic" if you haven't bothered to darken the door of a Catholic Church in decades. Stop claiming to be Catholic if your income doesn't do anything to help the Church because you refuse to offer it. Stop complaining there isn't anything in the Church for you if you're not willing to get off your fat, pampered lazy duff and offer your talents and ideas and abilities. Stop thinking that meeting the minimal premises of our Faith (which you probably can't even list) is enough.

We are not called to mediocrity, but to glory. And yes, that means YOU!

Catholics, remember who you are, who you were called to be, and in the words of St. Leo the Great, remember your dignity!

Even those of you who have fallen away...the Church needs YOU! Stop fighting so hard, suck it up, and just come back! What, you think you're the only one who has ever sinned?

Have you not read my blog? Sheesh!

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. I don't really care what the rest of you do, but the Church belongs to God. I'm in Sales and I suck at it. If you have a problem with anything I said here, take it up with Management. That would be God.

He can be reached by saying the following:

O God, Come to my Assistance. Lord, Make haste to help me.

Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, As it was in the beginning is now and will be forever, Amen.....

Hunting Season in Minnesota

I haven't gone deer hunting in several years, but I thought it would be fun to show you the only deer I ever had the opportunity to shoot. I'm proud to say I was quite successful in that endeavor:

Unfortunately that one had to stay in its natural habitat. Not fit for human consumption. What a pity. Under all that blaze orange, that one had nice flanks. And just LOOK at that rack!

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Disclaimer: Unfortunately, no deer were harmed in the production of this photograph. If a deer had actually been harmed, it would be displayed, hanging, with its innards removed and me standing next to it drenched in gore, grinning widely. That would have been followed by a photograph of me grilling the recently deceased in my special steak marinade.

But instead of that nice feast, all you get is this lousy picture.

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St. Therese of Lisieux

Like so many, I have long loved St. Therese of Lisieux, and at times in the past she has made her intercession known to me.

I specifically recall one evening, I'd gone to the church for Adoration and decided to go to Confession. I didn't have anything major to confess, although all the sins of my past were weighing on me heavily; I wasn't accepting of God's mercy, I was angry about several things (the new-revert syndrome, as I call it), and was quietly weeping in a corner of the chapel, near St. Therese's statue.

A woman I didn't know came up to me and handed me a little booklet as she whispered, "I came here today to give this to someone, but that person isn't here. I think I'm supposed to give it to you." I thanked her, and, wiping my eyes, stared down at this little home-made much-copied folded-paper booklet of prayers and devotions of St. Therese of Lisieux.

St. Therese and the Priesthood

If I recall correctly, St. Therese had a special love for the priesthood, a special devotion for this great gift Christ had left us, all so that we could be brought closer to Him through His chosen Ministers.

I have to wonder if maybe my own devotion to the priesthood began with my devotion to St. Therese of Lisieux? It is something to ponder, for the Saints never point to themselves; when we involve them in our prayer life, they direct us towards Our Lord, and to towards anything that will deepen our love for Him.

I don't recall what Saint said it, or if it was a private revelation to a saint, but I do remember reading the words, "The greatest way to honor Jesus is to honor the priesthood!" (Could it have been St. John Vianney?)

Ah, but so I've wandered in this post, as I usually do.

Flowers from Heaven

So many people say they have received roses from St. Therese. Fr. MacRae posted a particularly touching story yesterday on his blog, one I needed to read for I needed a reminder of the miraculous. Especially this week.

I've never received a rose from St. Therese. I don't think I've ever actually received roses from anyone, for that matter, although I used to pray for them all the time. While I've received signs of her intercession, it was apparently never God's will that I receive a physical rose, and maybe that's for the best.

After all...flowers wilt and die and God knows I can't keep green things alive.

But I rejoice that others do receive this sign, for even knowing their stories and witnessing their miracles, I take heart knowing that prayers are not spoken in vain and indeed, St. Therese is making good on her promise to shower roses from heaven upon the earth for those who most need such a sign of God's love.

I've been praying for a rose this week, though, admittedly not with much faith. If it be God's will, the Saint will send a rose. If not, my faith (or currently, lacking faith) will not be affected.

The one thing we always have to keep in mind is that our belief, our Faith, does not rest on miraculous signs, but rather, on the Cross and Resurrection. If we are not receiving signs, perhaps it is because we've been called to the Cross, and in the shadow of that, the greatest Sign in history, a rose simply has no beauty to compare to the redemptive sacrifice of Our Lord.

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A Couple Observations

Love/Hate

Have you ever noticed that the things that bug you MOST about other people are also those things that are most endearing? A co-worker and I discussed this today. We have another co-worker who has certain traits that drive us CRAZY, yet when she is absent, we chuckle over them and I realized today that if she DIDN'T do those things...she wouldn't be, well....her! She wouldn't be who she is.

This made me realize that if she left, the things I would remember most fondly about her would be the stuff that drives me crazy now.

When I think back to old friendships, loved ones who have left for eternity, I remember their crazy quirks for those are the things that remain ingrained in my memory, and I thank God for giving them a facet of their personality that will ensure they will never be forgotten.

Priestly Vocations

I keep hearing this crazy myth that young men aren't interested in the priesthood anymore. Have you heard this myth, too?

What amazes me is that, well...it simply isn't true. Part of my job is to assist with interviewing candidates for Confirmation, and as part of that we discuss vocational discernment. Nearly every young man I have interviewed has expressed an interest in the priesthood, albeit some are more serious than others. I always encourage them to pursue where God is calling them and I speak positively about the seminary and the priesthood in general. I also point out to them, if they seem hesitant, that the seminary is just a beginning and that God will lead them. I also speak positively of marriage, of course.

It's always a short conversation and once it's done, I don't return to it, never wanting to pressure anyone. But I find most girls have looked into or think they would consider religious life, or would like more information about it, although the difference for them is that they leave it at "consideration." Overwhelmingly most girls believe they are called to marriage and if pressed to make a decision "now", they would say marriage. Why? They don't know enough about religious life. They don't know any Sisters although they think it's interesting.

There is no "Vocations Crisis".

Vocations are alive and well...the crisis is in the fact we have dropped the ball and haven't presented to our young people all of their options.

It is something we're working on in my place of employment, and if these kids being interviewed are honest, well, it is working. Seeds are being planted. We are doing a lot to promote the priesthood, but it's an uphill battle to promote religious life...simply because it isn't very visible. We can only do so much. A speaker here and there isn't sufficient.

Priests are witnesses by their very presence, immediately identifiable. We don't have Brothers and Sisters running around in habits to provide that same kind of witness. (We don't have any Sisters and Brothers WITHOUT habits running around here, either.) Even with the things we do to expose the kids to religious life, well, if it's not visible in the Church as a whole (in their experience) then it will never be enough to just talk about it on one evening of their life.

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We have to do more.

Prayer in Spiritual Darkness

I am constantly reminded that we don't pray because God needs us to do so...but because WE need that communication from Him that comes only from entering into Him through His Word.

God knows what we need before we need it, and speaks, often quite clearly, through the psalms as we pray them in the Liturgy of the Hours.

Yesterday's psalms were particularly striking as I fought my spiritual battle (and lost, brutally), and today....ah, today. Today, the Feast of the Archangels, reminding us that our primary battles aren't of this world, but are against the powers and principalities that seek to steal us away from Our Lord.

Yesterday, during Daytime Prayer, I prayed, from Psalm 40:

"For I am beset with evils

too many to be counted.

My sins have fallen upon me

and my sight fails me.

They are more than the hairs of my head

and my heart sinks.

O Lord, come to my rescue,

Lord, come to my aid."

Every prayer yesterday spoke to me, even the Antiphons: "I am poor, but the Lord takes care of me." Even if I wasn't believing that in the moment, I had to obey the text, and pray the words, making that act of trust I didn't "feel". Those very words were an echo of a prayer I offer nearly every day, the prayer of Queen Esther: "Help me Lord for I am all alone, and I have no one but Thee."

Someone, somewhere else in the world, prayed those very same words from the Liturgy of the Hours with a heart and soul overflowing with trust...enough to make up for what I lack. It's one of the things I love about the Liturgy of the Hours; it is the Church at prayer and none united in that prayer, even if only dryly mouthing words, is left behind. All, even those who refuse to pray, are carried along through the pure force of God's own love being returned to Him in a never-ending cycle.

Today, I struggle to take heart, as we celebrate one of my favorite Feasts. My battle isn't over, but the psalms and readings today point to the final victory; if there is nothing in my own life to give me hope, there is still hope to be found in knowing what is to come. I don't seek God's will each day, each moment to please myself, but rather, to please Him, even when I don't understand. I am blinded, and know that right now, it does not please God to give me sight. It's never easy to trust, and I know that this is exactly what He is asking me to do.

So I pray to the Holy Angels, asking for their protection as I continue to wander in this desert that is my life, knowing there must be a reason, and there are probably spiritual battles taking place around me which perhaps it is better that I don't see.

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Comments continue to be closed. I don' t have the energy to deal with them and don't expect to any time soon. Vocational discernment is Hell and life in general isn't much better right now. *

Disillusionment

I haven't written of this before, but maybe it's time.

A theme arose during my retreats: a question posed to me which, I was told by the multiple sisters (and a few other random people) posing the question, that they had NEVER asked anyone else.

What was their question?

"What do YOU want?"

My standard answer didn't cut it for them, and they were right to call me on it: "I want what God wants. I desire HIS WILL. I'm here to figure out what HE is asking of me!"

Yes, that's still true, and they each acknowledged that fact.

I've been praying about that question ever since; the fact that it arose each time in the same way was significant, and I had to admit...I'd never actually considered what I wanted. The fact was, I spent many years doing what I thought I wanted to do. For once, I wanted to take the back seat and let God lead, and just try to follow. For once.

Every time I do what I want, it ends in disaster.

My law enforcement career...an embarrassment if there ever was one.

Firefighting? Yet another embarrassment. At least I was able to save face when I left that one, given my fortuitous injury graced to me during training, a week or so after September 11 and three weeks before graduation. Never mind the months on light duty while I waited for the axe to hit my neck, wishing it would, doing the best job I could with a very uncertain future. Sure I left with references from the top, but please don't talk to any of my training captains. The one I had would tell a different tale, but then again, I could tell tales about him, too...long before that experience I briefly dated his best friend. Didn't realize it until after I'd left the department, though. Good thing. (He was an even bigger ass than my brief boyfriend said he was!)

Ski Patrol? Yes, I loved it, had some early success (was named Rookie of the Year), but admit I got a bit gun shy watching other patrollers leave due to lack of support from Minnesota Law. We weren't really protected; we were in limbo because we weren't "average citizens" and weren't EMT's. Even those of us who HAD taken EMT and were certified weren't protected, because the so-called "Good Samaritan" law still left us wide open. Not necessarily the Ski Area and their insurance, but us, personally.

And after an incident where a kid crashed on me and a rookie training with me, well, I'll admit I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I never had the temperament for it and really, I think I did it out of self-interest as opposed to any real altruistic sentiment.

Yeah, yeah, ski patrollers, especially the volunteers found in most places, even where paid Patrollers exist, joke that they do what they do because it finances their ski habit. There may be truth to that, but the more important truth is that those who go back year after year to this thankless labor requiring long hours, many many hours driving, exposure to legal risk, etc., well... they're not doing it for the ski habit; they're doing it because they care and because they're willing to stand up for what is right and respond to those who need help, no matter what the conditions.

I can't measure up to that standard.

I never could.

Finally, I left. Yes, I miss it. I miss the people and I didn't mind mopping up blood from enthusiastic kids' faces after they'd crashed while attempting some kind of new trick. I didn't mind getting up from a meal to head out to haul someone off the hill. I didn't mind packing someone off to the hospital. Someone had to do it.

But that doesn't mean I was good at it. I tended to follow the lead of other patrollers and thanked God I never had to be Hill Captain when ours was absent. I thanked God I rarely had to run a scene.

Leadership isn't my "thing." If I could be invisible...I would be.

Ironically I used to be a Girl Scout. It was touted as a "leadership" organization. I learned how to make S'mores and stick a peppermint stick into an orange for a "girl scout soda". I never learned anything of value. The "badges" we earned were stupid beyond belief. I learned to be part of a pack of people agreeing on stupidity. What a great skill. How representative of the American Public.

So we're back to my beginnings I see.

I've spent my entire life trying to do first what others wanted, then what I wanted, and then what God wanted.

And when I FINALLY do what I think God wants me to do, what happens? They ask me what I want!

I DON'T KNOW! I NEVER knew! That's why I've failed at so many things! (And if ONE person sends me the viral video going around about famous people's failure I'll personally show up at your house and puke on your computer.)

Yes, I want to know what God wants of me, and maybe I know it.

But I don't want it.

And so now, here I am, stuck. I got what I wanted, and I'm even MORE disillusioned than I was before.

I hoped, for once, to find Peace.

Maybe, for me, peace won't come until I'm dead. That's what...another 60 years or so? Unless I get cancer or something horrific, I don't see "peace" in sight for me.

What do I want? Really?

To stop this cycle. To find home. To stop wondering if my whole life has been an attempt to escape the damaged years of my youth. To stop wondering if I've wasted all this time trying to be someone that I'm not and was never supposed to be.

I don't know. I simply don't know. Please pray for me...I don't even think I can pray for myself anymore.

Comments continue to be closed for very obvious reasons.

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Is it Over Yet?

The low-hanging clouds and cold wind on this gloomy morning perfectly fits my mood. I was hoping that I'd be able to shake it off while walking the dog, a task I truly enjoy.

But this morning, even that isn't enough.

A few years ago I looked at my life and asked, "Is THIS all there is? Is this IT?" And the answer came..."no, there's more." That question launched me off to grad school and eventually into vocational discernment. I think it was what I learned through grad school that enabled me to ask deeper questions, and, through coming to know God, somehow He got through to me.

But here I stand again, asking that very same question, looking at my largely-wasted life, and wondering, "Is this IT? Is THIS all there is?"

I don't think I'm called to religious life. When I consider it I don't have a sense of peace. In fact, the only thing the thought does is fill me with a deep, deep dread.

Several years ago when I had applied for the fire department, and finally received a hiring notification, I remember holding it, staring at it, realizing that...whoa...this was for real. I wanted to turn it down, but I couldn't. I had an innate sense in that moment that it was the wrong thing. And yet...it was an escape from the job I had, finally. I'd worked so hard to get there, and receiving that notice should, one would think, have been one of the happiest moments of my life. I'd actually wanted to be a firefighter ever since I was a little girl...and there it was, right there in my hand.

And I didn't want it. As it turned out..I was right not to want it. It wasn't wrong to dream, or to try, but that deep sense of wrongness never went away, not through months of training.

I feel that way about religious life. If I had applied and received a letter accepting me for entrance, the thought of that brings me right back to the moment when I held the hiring notice from the fire department. Dread.

I don't want this. I don't think I WANT to be a religious sister. I don't really care anymore whether God is calling me to it or not. Everyone asks me, "what do YOU want?" Not this. I don't know why...but I don't want it.

The problem is, I don't want marriage, either. And I don't want single life. I don't want to be a hermit.

So I'm stuck with the same question...what do I want?

I don't know. I don't know.

I. Don't. KNOW!

And this isolation is killing me. I have nothing and want nothing, so all I possess is that ever-circling question: Is THIS all there is? Isn't there something more? Was I created for....THIS?

It can't be.

And yet...maybe it is. And maybe this is the cross God is asking me to carry...for life.

So be it.

La Violencia

I often regard the "eco-spirituality" people with absolute astonishment. They preach peace and nature and love, wanting to save whatever given species, which of course, in and of itself, is a laudable endeavor.

I have long been a nature-lover. I grew up in a country neighborhood and learned to tell the weather from the mood of the birds and the reflection of the river we could see through our living room window. I love seeing God revealed in His creation, noting the hierarchy of life that surrounds us, no matter where we live. Even here, where I reside in the city, I am not apart from the beauty of the earth; we have an elusive albino squirrel, Moe the Mole (and his relatives all over the park), eagles, ducks, geese...many birds and bunnies.

So you see, I am no enemy to conservation or proper stewardship of the earth.

What amazes me, though, is that those who put that platform above and beyond where it SHOULD be are in complete denial about the true hierarchy of nature and the utter violence of it.

Nature is VIOLENT!

Last summer, while taking my dog for a "walk" in the common yard of my town home community, I noted that there was a small dead bird lying in the tray of my neighbor's feeder. After I brought my dog inside, I donned gloves and returned to the hanging feeder, hoping to rectify the situation.

The bird had obviously not died of gluttony, even though its head was stuck inside the vertical tubular feeder, but from attack. Blood was apparent all over its feathers, and as I carefully wrapped my gloved fingers around the lifeless body, I saw that its neck was broken and jutting outward.

An inquisitive worm poked his head out through the hole the bird's spine had made, investigating my glove, wondering why his meal was moving.

After a few pulls, when the head did not come loose, I realized that the only thing to do was to yank HARD to remove it. I couldn't do it. It didn't matter that the bird wouldn't feel it; I knew that I'd forever remember the sensation of the yank, leaving the head to rot on the rest of the food still in the tube.

I couldn't do it. As I removed my gloves and returned to my house, reflecting on the violent nature of..well..nature, another neighbor came out onto his deck so I explained the problem. The next time I went by the feeder, the bird's body was gone. I suspect the head remained, but decided not to think about it.

Predatory Violence

Today while walking my dog, I saw a bird sweep down towards the street and fly past us, carrying something in its talons. I stopped, trying to observe what it had. A small bird? A mouse? Roadkill?

I couldn't identify the bird immediately.

Amazingly it alighted on the branch of a large tree nearby, perched upon its prey. I carefully waked back towards it, trying to see what it had.

I am not a birdwatcher so can't say for certain what it was, but thought perhaps it was a red-tailed hawk. It had a hooked beak (typical of predatory birds) and a red breast. It turned once, its tail spread outward for balance, and I saw a horizontal striped pattern. Beautiful creature.

Cruel creature, predator that it was. Yet who was I to fault this creature for seeking a meal according to its nature?

I was fascinated.

The prey was still alive and I thought maybe it was a mouse...it was grey, but seemed...large. Then the hawk (or falcon?) let it go, and it spread out to reveal its identity...a full-grown grey squirrel!

I was amazed! The squirrel was almost as big as the bird, at least in length! And was clearly injured..I don't know that the squirrel will survive. It might have been partially paralyzed, based on how it moved itself towards the safety of the trunk of the tree.

Violent Spiritual Combat

The last time I met with my Spiritual Director, we discussed spiritual combat. I told him, in detail, of my occult/new-age history. It wasn't that he hadn't known before, only that other things were the focus and I felt he needed to know this, of the battles I face, some of which are, at times, physical.

He simply noted that all of us face spiritual battles and for some, it is more intense than for others. He was right.

Ever since our meeting, I have been plunged into a darkness I can't understand...even though I do. I've been faced with my greatest sins, my greatest weaknesses. For the last week every time I have attended Mass I've been holding back tears to the degree that it has distracted me from the prayers of the Mass. I've been discouraged, I've fallen away from God, I've come back through Confession, and I find myself still fleeing shadows, most caused by myself.

This weekend I got together with my little family, whom I haven't seen since early this summer, although we've spoken on the phone. They wanted to "hear" all about my visits of July and August. Yet I couldn't speak. I nearly bit their heads off! I couldn't talk about it. I tried, and my brother immediately revealed that he disagreed even with my initial premise...

He asked me to give my favorite. I explained I didn't have a favorite. He didn't agree. I told him OF COURSE he didn't agree, because it wasn't like anything he'd ever done before! He tried to press the issue, and I said I wasn't going to discuss my discernment. Mom was conciliatory and seemed to understand. Brother didn't.

But it didn't justify me biting his head off.

My nature is violent, too.

I can't remove the body of a dead bird from its head, but I have no problem removing my brother's head from his living body.

He doesn't understand, and neither does Mom. I don't even understand my violent reaction to his sincere query. I don't understand my inability to discuss my discernment, even the simplest things of my own "apostolic visitation" this summer.

All I know is that I can't talk about it. Not with anyone. I have no desire to do so, I have an abhorrence of doing so, such that any inquiry into it seems to cause an immediate reaction designed to shut down any further inquiry.

I feel so bad for my family and anyone who knows me.

I don't know if I'm the Hawk or the injured prey or simply a disgruntled observer.

I don't know who I am..who I have ever been.

I'm Exhausted by the Violence

Yet there has been grace; a direction towards some advice from St. Ignatius of Loyola this week was helpful, and is something I continue to consider.

Today at Mass, in nearly every moment I was in tears, and thankfully, was nearly alone in my pew. I don't know why I was so emotional, or felt so alone. I thought back often to St. Ignatius's advice about discouragement, trying to keep self-pity at bay. I knew that God saw me, God knew every little thing and would respond when and where it was needed...and not in response to my pitiful self-love.

As it was, a guy I knew sat in front of me with his little girl; I don't know where his wife was. At the sign of peace I was in la-la-land for a moment causing him to hold his hand out in limbo for awhile before I returned peace, a little sheepishly. After Mass we spoke for awhile and I have to admit..it was God's Providence to connect with him, for I had what he needed in the form of information...and he had what I needed in the form of connection.

I have to admit that as a single woman, so often, especially when I am in such a mood, I really just want someone to NOTICE my existence, because I feel so totally, totally isolated.

So I saw God's intervention, then, that as I approached Father, he, knowing me, seeing the bag in my hands, realized I had something to be blessed. He was ready. It doesn't matter that I haven't asked him personally to bless anything in MONTHS. He saw me, he saw what I had, and by the time I reached him he already had his hand raised in blessing.

It was nice to be known. It was nice to be seen.

I'd rather keep my tears hidden so the happier things can be seen. I'd rather keep the combat quiet, so that the fruit of it can be observed.

But once in awhile, it's nice if someone knows of the violence, recognizes it, and admits they experience it, too.

Especially if the one who sees it is God...and lets me know He is with me, even through small gestures that come through the hands and friendship of others.

Without them...I could never withstand the violence that is life.

*

I know that I am the wounded squirrel, still escaping the hawk. I live among this violence, hoping that, in the end, I'm not the bird left decomposing with my head stuck in a feeder...containing food I can never ingest.

Nature is violent. Never forget it.

**

A Few Random Thoughts

This post is going to offend people, I'm afraid, but I'm going to write it anyway.

Active Avoidance

It's Saturday, I'm busy cleaning because my family is coming today, and of course...I should be studying, which is why I'm doing everything BUT study. Ah, that is the nature of the student!

Most grad students (and some undergrads) I know report that while they were in school, their homes have NEVER been cleaner. When sitting down with a difficult tome and prospect of an intimidating paper, that spot on the carpet that has been there for YEARS suddenly becomes a major distraction. One must make it go away as soon as possible and by all necessary means!

Ok, moving on to other thoughts now:

"Preach the Gospel - If Necessary Use Words" BLAH! MYTHOLOGY!

I have a t-shirt I purchased a few years ago sporting a San Damiano cross on the front and the caption, attributed to St. Francis, "Preach the Gospel. If Necessary, Use Words."

It's a nice sentiment, but I only wear the shirt if I run out of other t-shirts or can cover it up. Why? Because St. Francis never said it and I don't want to be part of perpetuating a lie.

In fact, St. Francis was KNOWN for his fiery preaching! The man did NOT mince words, and not only did he preach conversion in no uncertain terms, he lived the gospel he preached and expected others to follow that example. Not his example specifically, but the example of Christ. Yes, St. Francis did indeed lead others to live his same life (The Franciscans, anyone?), but he was NOT one to say "if necessary, use words." He COUNTED on words, just as he counted on the importance of LIVING those words out in daily life.

"Singing is Praying Twice"

Thankfully I don't have the above on a t-shirt, but if it's even possible, that mythological quote is another one that makes me cringe. St. Augustine never said that.

A few years ago I was in on an interview committee trying to hire a music director for a youth choir, and part of the job did involve a certain amount of theological formation. The applicant came out with the above quote, and let's just say...it didn't help his case.

The use of a mythological quote to support one's "qualifications" and elevating said quote to the status of fact actually leads one to realize that said applicant actually has never READ the Saint.

St. Augustine DID write, "Singing belongs to one who loves." and he wrote, "For he who sings praise, does not only praise, but also praises joyously; he who sings praise, is not only singing, but also loving Him whom he is singing about/to/for. There is a praise-filled public proclamation in the praise of someone who is confession/acknowledging God, in the song of the lover there is deep love." (Corpus Christianorum Latinorum vol. 39)

(note: I have this in a printed sheet from an article written by the famous Fr. Z.)

Nowhere did St. Augustine ANYWHERE write "he who sings prays twice." Please stop perpetuating the myth that he did.

Do promote singing well

Do promote praying well.

Please promote doing both together at the same time in situations that call for it.

But please stop with the myths. Thank you.

Passing On Advice to All Bloggers

Not long after I began my blog, back when I didn't have many followers, I was invited to a local blog gathering (and think another one is due.)

I'm not sure if any of my readers are familiar with Dan Lacey of Faith Mouse, but he was one of the locals who attended that inaugural gathering.

He'd been involved in blogging and various forums for a long time, and was often deeply involved in online discussions with people of other religious or non-religious beliefs. I found his perspective to be very helpful as I continued in what I consider to be my own little apostolate in my tiny corner of the internet.

At the time, I think I was already doing what he advised, but what he said underscored the importance of continuing it and the REASONS for doing so!

I think it's something most bloggers grasp, but some don't, and others perhaps don't have the time.

Here is what Mr. Lacey advised me, and which I pass on to you:

Every commenter deserves a response. They come by your blog, and given the millions out there, they happened upon YOURS and found something YOU said worthy of their time to fully read it and comment upon it.

Out of respect for them, they are owed a reply.

Bloggers should take the time to reply to EVERYONE who leaves a comment, whether you think they will be back or not. A simple response can make all the difference to someone, maybe for reasons known only to them and to God.

I haven't quoted Mr. Lacey as I can't remember his exact words, but the above was the gist of what he said.

Over the last few years, I have seen this bourne out several times, and I admit that I judge other bloggers by this standard as well. Maybe it's unfair. I don't know. But you who have been in the world of blogging awhile, whether as commenters or bloggers or both, think about your own experience and share your opinion on this.

For myself, I do try to respond to every comment. Yes, some get missed sometimes, and some don't seem to be looking for a reply, just adding their two cents. But I do try to respond to new commenters and respectful anonymous comments (although now I do ask anons to write some kid of name to ID themselves.) I've even responded to obvious trolls, against my better judgment.

I once received an email from someone who didn't want to make a public comment on what she had to say, but said one of the reasons she follows my blog was the fact that I took time to respond to people, to interact with them. I was amazed, because, really, I often thought that it didn't matter to anyone but to those to whom I responded. I never considered it would matter to a random observer.

What she said made me think. I follow some bloggers who DON'T respond to comments, either mine or anyone else's.

This may be totally unfair, but when I see that this is the practice of the blogger, to allow comments but never respond to them, I eventually wander away. Those who don't respond seem to be uninterested in interaction or discussion, so why bother wasting my time commenting there when I can go elsewhere? If someone just wants to put his or her words out there and receive comments but not engage, what does that really contribute to the blogging community? Seems they're out for themselves only.

I think it's fine that people want to share their thoughts, but, those of you who don't care to respond should close comments so that your readers don't waste their time. Most of us can't just hang out reading blogs all day and would prefer to leave our comments somewhere where we won't be wasting either your time or ours. It's courtesy.

And, yes, in case any are wondering, I do read blogs that don't allow comments. At times I've quoted them and linked to them! (Those I continue to follow actually state somewhere why they don't respond to comments or why they closed comments. Their explanation is key in getting rid of the perception of arrogance.)

Conversely, I tend to avoid commenting on the really popular celebrity blogs. Amy Welborne, Jimmy Akin, Mark Shea, etc. While I appreciate what they write, the list of hundreds of comments is overwhelming and I'd rather not be part of a gaggle. Even if I think I have something to say, well...so did those 200 other commenters. Never mind. I'll just read the article and treat it as I would a newspaper, thanks. There's no point and no real interaction. And I don't care to comment just to "be seen."

So, to my blogging compadres, what is YOUR practice, and what is YOUR opinion on non-replies, who do you decide to follow and does their interaction make a difference to you?

There are probably a lot of different angles to this. I'd be interested in hearing yours. Although I may not have a comment for each in turn...please don't take offense.

Sometimes a blogger has to just sit back and listen....

;-)

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